Valentine’s Crime

, , , , , | Learning | March 2, 2018

(I am seven years old in second grade. I start having stomach pains. In February, after being checked out, my doctor decides I might be lactose intolerant and tells my mom to have me stop drinking milk for a month to see if that helps my problems. My mom lets the school and teacher know that I am not to have milk. Our class makes Valentine’s Day mailboxes, and on Valentine’s Day, we all bring in cards and treats to give to our classmates. After everyone is done my teacher makes me give her my mailbox, which she then goes through and takes out all of the chocolate.)

Me: “Ms. [Teacher], what are you doing?”

Teacher: “Your mom said you can’t have milk, and these are milk chocolate, so you can’t have them.”

(She then sent me back to my desk and ate my chocolate while I cried.)

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Do As I Say Or There Will Be Blood

, , , , | Learning | December 1, 2017

(I am what you call an “early bloomer”. I start menstruating at ten years old, right before starting fifth grade. I am the only girl in my class with her period for most of the year, and it is also the first year I have ever had a male teacher. My mom even makes a point of sending a note to school, letting him and the front office know I’ve already started menstruating, and that I have permission to get Tylenol from the nurse if needed, etc. The teacher is a nice guy, but new to teaching, and I think he tries to be more strict than necessary to set a precedent. It’s important to note that I am also one of those kids who has zero embarrassment talking about any subject.)

Me: *approaching his desk during a worksheet period* “Mr. [Teacher]? May I go to the bathroom?”

Teacher: “[My Name], you’ve been to the bathroom three times already today. I don’t appreciate you trying to skip out on class time. You can wait until we take our break, an hour from now.”

Me: “Mr. [Teacher], I really need to go. I’ll be very fast!”

Teacher: “No. This isn’t funny. Now, sit down and wait.”

Me: “But, I…”

Teacher: “There is no reason you should need to go a fourth time since this morning.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “There is a reason!”

Teacher: “All right, what reason could you possibly have?”

Me: “I’m on my period! It’s bad this time, and my pad has already filled up with blood! I’m sitting in blood!”

Teacher: *half the class stares while he turns a few shades of red, before handing me the hall pass* “Go to the bathroom, [My Name].”

Me: “Thank you.”

(That happened multiple times throughout the year. He just couldn’t seem to remember that this was going to happen every month. Eventually, I had to start letting the nurse [who my mom was friends with] know on the days my period had started, just to have some backup that I was telling the truth.)

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Toodles And Parenthood And Whatever

, , , , | Learning | September 11, 2017

(One of our teachers is leaving to have a baby. The other teachers arrange a surprise going-away video. All of the students from across the classes get together in groups of three to four in front of the camera to say goodbye. It’s my turn, along with two classmates.)

Me: “Bye!”

Classmate #1: “Have fun with the baby!”

Classmate #2: “…”

(I realize [Classmate #2] is distracted, watching a nearby dog, so I prod her in the ribs to get her to say something.)

Classmate #2: *still distracted* “Right, yeah… toodles.”

Me: *after recording is finished* “…Toodles?!”

(Since we were primary students, there was a rule against re-recordings. Most of the comments made our teacher smile. Some of them made her tear up. Ours were the only ones that made her snort with laughter.)

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Today Is Opposites Day!

| Learning | July 28, 2017

(My husband is basically a teacher’s aide at an elementary school. He mostly helps out with math and literacy intervention in small group settings. He usually works with fourth and fifth graders.)

Husband: “What do you think ‘efficiency’ means?”

Student: “The government?”

Husband: *starts laughing*

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Technically Correct

| Learning | July 27, 2017

(It’s just before President’s Day, and our kindergarten class is answering questions about Washington and Lincoln.)

Kindergarten Teacher: “Where was George Washington born?”

Student: “I know, I know!”

Kindergarten Teacher: “Go ahead.”

Student: “He was born in Vagina!”

Kindergarten Teacher: *nearly chokes from trying to contain her laughter*

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