What A Load Of Crap

, , , , , , | Working | April 16, 2020

I worked at an elementary school summer camp one summer with nine kids aged one to three attending the camp. There were two of us working that summer so we each had to watch four or five kids at all times. At the end of the summer, my boss asked if I’d come back the next summer to work at the camp again and I agreed, assuming it would be about the same as this year.

The following summer, I showed up for work and found out that this year we had two workers to watch nineteen kids all aged one to three. Needless to say, I’ve never been so exhausted or changed so many diapers in my life.

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It Was A Personal (Stuff) Joke

, , , , , | Learning | April 1, 2020

I am tasked with taking a video inventory of my entire school. This worries the other teachers, as a lot of their classroom supplies are their personal property, not the district’s. I assure them that this is just for insurance purposes, and they have nothing to worry about. The day before I’m to begin the inventory, I send this email.

Email: “I know I’ve previously stated that the video inventory will not affect anything you personally own in your classroom. However, I have received word from the central office that anything on the recording will be considered district property. Please remove all personal furniture, books, posters, supplies, etc., from your rooms by the end of the day. See me if you have any questions.”

A few minutes later a teacher, who’s probably been in the same classroom for twenty years, comes storming into my room. She’s livid.

Teacher: “Do you have any idea how much personal equipment I have in my classroom? Do you have any idea how impossible it’s going to be for me to move it all out? Do you want to go down there right now and have a look?”

Me: “Look, let’s deal with this logically. First of all, what’s today’s date?”

Teacher: “April… first.” *Pause* “You son of a b****.”

Another teacher left a pile of feathers on my desk, with a note saying the tar was coming soon.

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A Student, Hungary For Knowledge, Visits Turkey

, , , , , | Learning | March 30, 2020

I teach fourth grade. I’m trying to get my students familiar with the nations of the world.

Me: “[Student], please name a country.”

Student: “Oh, man…”

Me: “Correct.”

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Time To Socially Distance Yourself From Such Ideas

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 30, 2020

(This is with one of my before-school music groups. The students are nine to eleven years old. Panic buying has started, even though no cases have been reported in our county yet, although other areas of Florida have had it.)

Girl #1: “You know there’s not going to be any more toilet paper or hand sanitizer.”

Girl #2: “Really?”

Me: “No, not really. Let’s get back to practice.”

Girl #1: “But they’re closing every school and store. You can’t buy anything anymore and they’re even closing factories because people can’t touch things.”

Girl #2: “Ew! I don’t want their hands touching my toilet paper!”

Boy #1: “Yeah, because they have to cut each sheet individually.”

Me: “That’s not how it works and that’s not what we’re doing right now. You can research how toilet paper is made on your computers later. But they’re not closing anything near us, so stop talking, stop trying to scare others, and let’s get back to playing. Now.”

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Twinsies! Sort Of. Not Really.

, , , , | Learning | March 28, 2020

(I am a third grade teacher. I have two students who are best friends who look very different from each other. Though they are the same height, [Student #1] has long, light brown hair that she always wears down and she usually wears shorts or jeans and a T-shirt. Her best friend, [Student #2], is skinnier, has shorter, blonde hair that she usually wears in pigtails, has huge pink glasses, and usually wears a blouse, skirt, and knee-length socks. One morning, the girls show up to school very excitedly.)

Student #1: “Notice anything different?”

Me: “I… can’t say I do.” 

Student #2: “Really? Nothing else? We’re dressed like each other!”

Me: “Really…”

Student #1: “Well, okay. We aren’t dressed exactly like each other. We had a sleepover last night, and we decided to pretend to be each other, but she didn’t have any skirts or… those long leg thingies.”

Student #2: “Socks?”

Student #1: “Yeah. She didn’t have any in my size.”

Student #2: “I actually did, but the socks had holes.”

Student #1: “And then we tried to put her hair up but it didn’t want to do that. And I tried to wear my hair like her, but it was uncomfortable, so I wore a ponytail, instead.”

(I didn’t really notice it until then.)

Student #2: “And then I couldn’t give her my glasses, because then I wouldn’t be able to see anything. And she gave me her shirt.”

Me: “So, the only things that changed were that you’re wearing her shirt and changed your hair.”

Student #3: “Hey, [Student #1]… Woah! You look just like her, [Student #2]. Except for the glasses. And she would never wear a ponytail.”

Student #2: “See, Mr. [My Name]! We look exactly the same.” 

(The girls went and sat down next to each other, and for the rest of the day all of the other kids in the class kept gushing about how much [Student #2] looked like [Student #1], even though the only thing that changed was the hair and a shirt.)

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