Your Skeletons Don’t Need To Be In The Closet

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2017

(My boyfriend is notorious for not noticing things in our living space. I have to put things right in front of him for him to notice, and even then it’s 50/50 chance he’ll react. I just put up a small picture of a character from a comic. A few minutes later he walks past it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, I see you’ve put up a picture of [Character].”

Me: “Yes, I did. I’m surprised you noticed it this quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Why, has it been there long?”

Me: “No, I put it up like five minutes ago. But usually you never notice these things.”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “The hedgehog figure I put in the window sill in our previous apartment? It took you weeks to notice it, and it wasn’t even that small or hidden away.”

Boyfriend: “That was just because I never looked at the window sill! Like, right now you could hide a dead body by the living room window and I wouldn’t notice because I never look that way!”

Me: “…Okay.”

They’re Gunning For The Best Remembrance Day Ever

, , , , , | Learning | October 22, 2017

My high school is in a small northern city in Ontario. It’s a low-population area where gun violence is virtually unheard of.

Late one morning the school went into lock-down, after we’d had the yearly drill. It was a real lock-down! Everybody was excited and tense, wondering what caused it, and it lasted about half an hour. I didn’t find out the reason until the next day.

Somebody had called the school, saying they saw a person on school grounds walking towards the building with a rifle. The caller was a parent who spotted this would-be shooter, while dropping off their kid to the school late. They then left their kid in the building as they drove away to make the phone call.

The actual culprit? A drama student, with fake prop rifles.

He had two of them, and he was indeed carrying them into the school. They were for the upcoming Remembrance Day play, and were made of wood.

The Bachelor Party Should Have Been The Warning

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2017

(We have a group of rooms booked for a bachelor party. We get a noise complaint about them at 3:00 am. I call down to get them to quiet down and give them their official warning.)

Me: “You guys need to quiet down; I’m getting noise complaints about your room, and if I get another one, I will kick you guys out.”

Guest: “What? You’re kicking us out? But we have 12 rooms!”

Me: “Right now I’m warning you, not kicking you out. If I get another complaint I will kick you out, though. We have another 40 rooms besides you guys. Being with a group of 12 doesn’t mean you get to disturb everyone else.”

Guest: “But where will we go?”

Me: “Not my problem.”

Guest: “But you didn’t even give us a warning; you’re just going to kick us out with no warning?”

Me: “This is your warning; I’m not kicking you out right now, but I will if I get another complaint about you.”

Guest: “I can’t believe you’re just going to kick us out with no warning!” *click*

The Employees Are In A Vegetative State

, , , , , , | Working | October 19, 2017

(I decide to stop by the sandwich shop on campus for lunch today. I’m a really picky eater, and I hate lettuce and tomato.)

Me: “Can I get the chicken bacon ranch sandwich? And no lettuce or tomato?”

Cashier: “Sure thing.”

(She puts in my order and both the screen and my receipt say, “Hold lettuce, hold tomato.” I pay and go wait for my food. But when I get the sandwich, there’s a problem.)

Me: “Um, excuse me? This has lettuce on it, and I asked for no lettuce.”

Worker: “Oh, sorry about that! I’ll remake it for you.”

(After a few minutes he makes eye-contact with me and gestures for me to come over.)

Worker: “While I was making it, I accidentally put ranch on it. Is that okay?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, it’s a chicken bacon ranch sandwich.”

(He finishes the sandwich and walks away. This time, not only is there lettuce on it, but also tomato. I go to the cashier this time, more than a little frustrated.)

Me: *after explaining what happened and showing her my receipt* “Can you please have someone else make it? I just want the sandwich, no veggies.”

(This time, a different worker made my sandwich and checked that I want no veggies. She made my sandwich in seconds, correctly this time. The sandwich wasn’t even very good.)

Sew Cheap!

, , , , , , | Working | October 19, 2017

(I am a shift leader at a craft and fabric store. Towards the end of my shift, the assistant store manager arrives to take over for the rest of the day, and joins me at the registers. I am cashing out a customer and making small talk before I give the ASM my report for the shift.)

Customer: “I was so surprised to see these [Sewing Machine]s on display! None of your other stores have anything like them.”

Me: “Well, we are a pretty large chain, so different locations will often have very different merchandise. Do you have your membership card with you today?”

(I scan through all of the customer’s fabric and notions before I scan the sewing machine sitting in her cart. My ASM has been watching my screen the whole time, looking worried, and as soon as I scan the sewing machine, she swears under her breath and bolts for the back of the store like someone lit her hair on fire.)

Customer: *confused and slightly offended* “Well, that was rude.”

Me: *equally confused, since the ASM is usually extremely cool-headed* “Yeah, I’m not sure what that was.”

(I turn to look at the screen and realize the problem: the sewing machine rang up at $0.01.)

Me: “Well, lucky you. That machine is only ringing up at a penny. Your total is [amount less than $20].”

Customer: “What?! Can I go buy the rest of the display?”

Me: “I’m afraid not; I think that’s why my manager just ran off like that. But since this one is already through the system, you’re welcome to take it.”

Customer: *no longer offended, and actually quite cheerful, she pays and takes her receipt* “Any wonder. Well, have a nice day!”

(Since there were no other customers to cash out, I hurried to the back to help my ASM pull the sewing machines off the floor. There were over a dozen of that model. It turns out that our general manager hadn’t read an email memo earlier in the week, which said to remove that line of sewing machines from display, as they had been discontinued and were slated to be returned to the manufacturer. They were meant to go out with the shipment truck’s return trip the day this occurred, but no one had informed me. Somehow, the GM saw the email title with the model number, and thought it was a memo to put them on display. They’d been sitting on the floor all week as a result. When the system deleted the merchandise from our database earlier in the day, it converted the price of the machines to one penny. Fortunately, after checking with other staff, we’d only sold two of the machines since the price change. The first time, either the cashier and customer hadn’t noticed the discrepancy, or hadn’t cared to report it to me.)

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