I work in a café that is also a bakery. Every now and then, we change our menu; something may not sell well, so we discontinue it and give our customers something else that’s brand-new. Of course, we’re all kept up to date about what we sell and don’t sell anymore, but some of our customers like to think they know way better than we do and it can be frighteningly easy to call someone’s bluff.

Customer: “Can I get a half-salad?”

We stopped selling half-salads more than two years ago. All of our salads are one size only.

Coworker: “I’m sorry, we only do full salads now.”

Customer: *Condescendingly* “How long have you worked at this job? You must be new at this.”

Coworker: “Actually, I’ve been here more than two years.”

Customer: “No, you must be new. I’ve been a loyal customer for more than two years and you always have half-salads. I bought a half-salad just last week.”

This went back and forth for a good while, and the rest of us had to roll our eyes and pity our poor coworker. Either this lady honestly confused us with another store, or she was trying to scam us.

My aunt one day meets the local priest somewhere in their very small hometown, where everybody knows everyone. After exchanging the usual greetings, the priest asks her:

Priest: “So, how is your husband doing?”

Aunt: “You tell me; you buried him last year!”

I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1] comes out of the back.

Tech #1: “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1: “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1: “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1: “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1: “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1] disappears again. [Tech #2] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2: “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1: “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1: “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

I work at a customer service desk for a supercenter. We have a small lost and found for things people turn in, mostly phones left in the bathrooms because, apparently, people do that a lot.

A woman approaches the desk and snaps her fingers to get my attention. I’m already annoyed, but I maintain my professionalism.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, you find a phone?”

Me: “I haven’t but I can go look in lost and found. What does your phone look like?”

Customer: “A phone. A smartphone?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we get a lot of phones turned in. What kind of case did you have on it?”

Customer: *Annoyed* “It’s a smartphone!”

Me: “Was it an iPhone, a Samsung, something else?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “We have quite a few phones, but they’re locked up in the office.”

Customer: “I’ll know it if I see it. Just show me what you have.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. If you can tell me what it looks like, I—”

She leans over the desk to get in my face.

Customer: “You think I’m gonna steal someone’s phone? F*** you! I want your manager!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’ll call.”

When she stands up, I notice something and sigh.

Me: “Is it an iPhone with a purple sparkly case?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

Me: “Like the one sticking out of your top?”

The woman looked down and saw that her phone was tucked in her chest. She pushed it down further and stormed off.

In the nineties, I rented a room from an old lady of almost 100 years old, in exchange for doing her shopping and helping her with other small things. One day, she couldn’t pick up the phone herself for a moment, so I did. It was a telemarketer.

Me: “Residence of [Landlady].”

Telemarketer: “Can I interest your landlady in [Newspaper]?”

Me: “She’s not interested.”

Telemarketer: “I didn’t hear you ask her.”

Me: “I didn’t need to ask her; I know she doesn’t want a subscription.”

Telemarketer: “But I didn’t hear you asking her.”

Me: “She doesn’t want it.”

Telemarketer: “You didn’t ask her.”

Me: “I know she doesn’t want it.”

Telemarketer: “But you didn’t ask her. It’s a very good newspaper with interesting articles—”

Me: “She isn’t interested.”

Telemarketer: “You haven’t asked her. This is such a good newspaper; she’ll enjoy—”

Me: “She isn’t interested.”

Telemarketer: “You haven’t asked her. Why wouldn’t she be interested?”

Me: “She’s blind!”

Telemarketer: “Ehhh, no, then she wouldn’t be interested.”

They hung up.