(It is now half an hour after closing, and my last table has finished their meals. While I’d like nothing more than to drop the check and go home, my professional server instincts force me to continue the proper steps of service.)

Me: “Would you like to see our dessert selections this evening?”

Customer: “I would. Do you have carrot cake?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We do not.”

(I whisk away and return with the dessert tray and menus, rattling off the cheesecakes, crème brulee, lava and chocolate cakes, etc., and their descriptions.)

Customer: “Do you have an apple crisp of some sort?”

Me: *having not spoke of anything remotely apple* “No… Just the desserts on the tray.”

Customer: “Okay. Just a crème brulee, then!”

(The general manager is talking to one of the supervisors in the middle of the kitchen. I don’t hear the entire conversation, but it sounds like it is about the supervisor’s shift the previous day.)

General Manager: “…and you didn’t do [list of duties] yesterday. [Very Pregnant Coworker] had to lift a bunch of heavy syrup cases to hook them up to the machine!”

Supervisor: “Uh, [General Manager]… I didn’t work yesterday. You did.”

General Manager: “Oh.”

(I work at a dog grooming shop that also sells cute, cheap outfits for dogs, as well as super fancy, expensive outfits for dogs. This woman walks in and looks around for about a minute, seeming very confused. I put the dog I was grooming away to see if I can be of any assistance.)

Me: “Hello, is there anything I can help you find?”

Woman: “Yes. Do you have any tuxedos?”

Me: “Yes, we do, actually! We have the well-made, but more expensive ones here.” *I hold up a small dog tuxedo* “And we also have the simple tee-shirt, tuxedo-patterned outfit.” *I put the other tuxedo away and hold the cheaper one up*

Woman: “Do you have anything bigger?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the carrier we go through doesn’t have any tuxedos for large dogs.”

Woman: “No, I mean big ones.”

Me: “Um… You mean for a human?”

Woman: “Helloooooo!”

Me: *long pause* “We’re a dog grooming shop.”

(I pointed at the dogs in kennels in the other room, behind the glass window. She looked very baffled for a moment, and then became flustered as she quickly left the store. There used to be a tuxedo store a few doors down, so that might be why she was confused. But the store was filled with dog mannequins wearing outfits.)

(I am waiting for a large sushi party tray at a sushi takeout place, when I overhear the following exchange between a customer and the cashier.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up my order; my wife called earlier today. It’s under [Customer’s Wife].”

Cashier: *looks through papers* “I’m sorry, I can’t find anything under that name. The Wi-Fi was down earlier. Maybe it got lost somehow?”

Customer: “But my wife said she spoke to you earlier!” *takes out cell phone and dials a number* “Here, talk to her yourself.” *hands the phone to the cashier*

Cashier: *on phone* “Hello?” *pause* “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember any call.” *pause* “Are you sure?” *pause* “I’m sorry. Thank you.” *hangs up and hands phone back to man* “We have another location in [Other City]; maybe she called there by mistake?”

(The cashier is still trying to be polite and nice, even though she’s getting visibly flustered at how annoyed the customer is looking.)

Customer: “Well, can you take my order now?”

Cashier: “Sure, we can make it now, if you don’t mind waiting. What would you like?”

Customer: “Okay. I’d like three large cheese.”

Cashier: *clearly confused as to what cheese sushi he could possibly be referring to* “Cheese?”

Customer: “Yes. Three large cheese pizzas and one medium pepperoni.”

(The cashier, the one other customer, and I all look at the man in shock.)

Cashier: “Pizza?! But this is a sushi place! We don’t make pizza!”

Customer: “But you just said you’d make it!” *getting more annoyed by the second*

Cashier: “But this a sushi store! We don’t have the ovens for pizza!”

Customer: “Why didn’t you say so earlier?!” *storms out the door*

Me: *looking around at the obvious sushi takeout place* “Why didn’t you realize that earlier?!”

(I just had jaw surgery, so I am in the hospital for a few days with a swollen face, and my jaw is wired shut. I really can’t speak. I wake up in the middle of the night. My sister is sleeping in the guest chair, but I can feel the pain easing in on my face, so I decide to hail the nurse using a button on the side of the bed. Instead of the nurse coming to see what I need, she proceeds to use the speaker attachment. You can probably see where this is going.)

Nurse: “Hello, honey, what do you need?”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “What do you need?”

Me: *internal screaming*

(They did eventually come.)