We’re All Americish Here

, , , , , , | Learning | December 19, 2017

Teacher: “Does anyone here know what country their family immigrated from?”

Student #1: “I’m from India; my parents moved from there to London, then to America.”

Student #2: “I’m from Germany!”

Teacher: “Very cool, [Student #2].”

Me: “I think I’m Scottish, German, and a little bit Indian.”

Teacher: “Wow, that’s a lot!” *smiles* “Anyone else want to share?”

Student #3: “My great-great-grandparents immigrated here from Italy, so I guess that, like, makes me, like… Italyish.”

Perfect Portrait Of A Substitute Teacher

, , , , , | Learning | December 12, 2017

(I’m in eighth grade. At our school, everyone has a free period that lasts about half an hour. During this time, you can have a study hall period or join a club. I join an art club. I walk into the room and see an older male sub sitting at the teacher’s desk. We all settle down and wait for instruction.)

Substitute Teacher: *being totally serious* “So, [Regular Teacher] is out today, in case you couldn’t tell. I am not [Regular Teacher], because she is a young, married lady. I am not any of those things.”

(My friends and I are looking at each other and trying not to laugh.)

Substitute Teacher: *still being serious* “She didn’t leave any plans, and I don’t feel like thinking, so you can have a study hall. Do homework, play computer games, nap, meditate…”

(By now, the whole class is giggling. We try to hide it to be respectful.)

Substitute Teacher: *still serious* “I don’t have roll paper thingy for you guys, so I’m going to pass around a sheet of paper. Please keep the paper in portrait form. Write your names in a list, each one parallel to the prior one. Some people may drop the paper. In this case, the top may become the bottom and the bottom may become the top. If this happens, carefully proceed to pick up the sheet of paper and continue writing your name under everyone else’s. If you drop the paper, it may also flip from portrait to landscape. If this happens, make sure you return the paper to its original position before continuing to write your name.”

Me: “We’re in eighth grade! We should know how to write our names in a list and pick up a sheet of paper by now.”

Substitute Teacher: *flustered* “Well, I didn’t have a good childhood, and I didn’t know, so there’s no need to be disrespectful, young lady.”

(He proceeded to pass around the paper and then meditated throughout the class. My friends and I were laughing so hard. That’s probably the best encounter I’ve ever had with a sub.)

When Harry Met The Class

, , , , , | Learning | December 8, 2017

(My seventh-grade biology teacher is a crazy guy who owns snakes and turtles and brings them to school. One day he tells us he has a surprise for us.)

Teacher: “In the state of Georgia, it is illegal to own venomous snakes and venomous lizards. However, in Tennessee, it is only illegal to own venomous snakes.” *goes into closet* “So, here is my Gila Monster, his name is Harry.”

(He had protective wear and only let us touch his tail, but it was so crazy to see how calm he was with this lizard… I mean Harry.)

Unfiltered Story #101503

, , | Unfiltered | December 8, 2017

(Our seventh-grade science class is learning about genetics and heredity. The teacher has us make bracelets based on what traits we have, dimples, cleft chin, widow’s peak, etc. There are three people of note in this story. Me, a short, chubby blonde, and a pair of identical twins, [Twin #1] and [Twin #2]. They are both very tall for their age, are very skinny, and have short black hair. We are looking around the room to see if there are any of our ‘twins’ around the classroom. I have just compared bracelets with [Twin #2].)

Twin #2: “Oh my god! We match! [Teacher], look, my twin!”

Me: *laughing* “Looks like I’m more of your twin than your actual twin! Look, the bracelets don’t match!”

Teacher: *also laughing* “Well, looks like you have a new twin, [Twin #2]!”

Me: “Ready and willing to fill the position!”

(At the end of the school day, we said “Bye twin!” to each other. I guess I have a twin now.)

Self-Inflicted Stereotyping

, , , , | Learning | December 5, 2017

Student #1: “Are you being racist to yourself?”

Teacher: *confused look* “Did you just say he’s racist?

Student #1: “No, I said he’s racist to himself.”

Teacher: “How?”

Student #2: *the student being talked about* “I said all my cousins look like me because we’re Asian.”

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