Worse Things Have Happened To Younglings… 

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 27, 2020

(My father’s friend is hosting a Christmas dinner at their place. As the adults start drinking in the dining room, most of the kids all run up to the TV, but I decide to accompany our host’s younger son, who is around nine. He takes me to his room and wants to play.)

Son: “Let’s fight!”

(He takes out a drawer filled with toy weapons.)

Me: “Sure, but I’ll just use this.”

(I pull out my younger brother’s toy lightsaber.)

Son: “Okay, but you’re gonna lose.”

(He equips a Nerf gun and his own toy lightsaber. We stand at opposite sides of the room.)

Son: “Go!”

(He then fires his Nerf gun at me, but I block the bullet with my lightsaber, stride forward, and knock both of his weapons aside with the lightsaber before tapping him lightly on the neck)

Me: “You’ve been decapitated.”

Son: “What? How did you do that?

Me: “The people in my fencing class can stab faster than a Nerf bullet.”

Son: “Cool! You’re a Jedi!”

Me: *deepens voice* “May the Force be with you, youngling.”

(I was telling the truth; my fencing classmates are fast. But I was actually watching the barrel of his gun and angling my lightsaber to be directly in front of it. Don’t tell him that, though. I have the reputation of a Jedi to maintain.)

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Armoring Up For The Ultimate Prank

, , , , , | Friendly | March 24, 2020

(I’m sitting with one of my friends during dinner. The conversation rolls around to her sister, with whom my friend is in the middle of a — several years long by now — prank war.)

Friend: “So, I need ideas on how to pay back that little b****. Got anything?”

Me: “You mentioned that your house had a suit of armour, right?”

Friend: “Yeah, that piece of junk my dad found in a thrift store.”

Me: “How about you put on that suit of armour, wait until your sister wakes up in the morning, and then jumpscare her.”

Friend: *homicidal joker grin on face* “Ooh, I like the sound of that. Problem: I’m not sure it’s even wearable. And it’s covered with dust and cobwebs.”

Me: “Can you try to get your father to put it on? Say that you’re curious if it can actually be worn and talk him around into wearing it. That way you can both confirm if it can be worn and how to put it on.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s a good idea. Two birds with one stone.”

Me: “Better, I imagine that your father would not want to wear something that is filled with spiders, so he’ll probably clean it first, which means that you won’t have to wear a dusty old suit.”

Friend: *excitedly* “And I can video him doing it. If he gets stuck inside it’ll be a big hit on [Video Site]! Five birds with one stone. Man, you’re a genius.”

Me: “I prefer ‘devious mastermind,’ but anyway, that still leaves the million-dollar question: will your father wear the suit of armour?”

Friend: “Yeah, I can convince him to do that. He’s quite the nut job. Once, my uncle and I managed to convince him into dancing naked on the abandoned railway bridge near our farm.”

Me: *OMGWTF face* “What?”

Friend: “Yeah, a rain dance to piss off the sky. We videoed it. Getting him to put a suit of armour on will be easy. Oh, I can’t wait for the weekend. This is going to be so fun!”

Me: “Show me the video of your dad in the armour at some point. And good luck with the prank.”

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The Kindness Chronicles

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2020

I’m sixteen. This year, I found out that my mom was cheating on my dad and they were going to get divorced. I didn’t know what to do.

A lady at my church starting doing “Car Chronicles” with me, where we meet once a week and get food and sit in her car in a parking lot. She lets me pour out my heart about everything and she gives me awesome advice.

Ever since the virus started, we haven’t been able to have “Car Chronicles” because of “social distancing,” and I have been devastated because I always look forward to being able to work through what’s going on in my family. 

Today, she texted to tell me that we are going to start FaceTiming and taking walks to talk in place of our weekly “Car Chronicles.” Her courage and willingness to continue meeting with me despite the circumstances we are all facing brighten my day.

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Wash That Virtue Signaling Right Out Of Your Hair

, , , , , , | Learning | March 20, 2020

(My friend at school is black and I am white. I’ve recently befriended a new girl, who is also white. We’re all three hanging out at lunch, talking about a hair appointment.)

Me: “So, what shampoo do you use? I mean, I’ve never really thought about it, but because you’re black–”

New Girl: *interrupting* “Oh, my God! Don’t say that! She’s African-American, aren’t you, [Friend]?”

Friend: “Uh… I’m not African or American; I’m a Caribbean British person. And yeah, I’m black…”

(The new girl went off in a huff and didn’t talk to us for a few days. I mean, I know appropriate language differs country to country, but she had the same accent as us, so she’s definitely British, too!)

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Just Pining For The Fjords

, , , , , | Friendly | March 9, 2020

(I’m staying in a hotel with a friend as part of our annual trip to Edinburgh. I’ve been known to talk in my sleep but I rarely remember doing so, and it’s only thanks to my friend telling me that I know about it at all. This night has been a little rough — as nights often are in unfamiliar locations — with a number of false awakenings. But, beyond that, I do feel somewhat well-rested. I’m getting up to use the toilet when my friend asks me something.)

Friend: “Do you remember shouting in your sleep last night?”

Me: “I vaguely recall trying to vocalise after hearing you talk, but otherwise, no.”

Friend: “You were shouting Monty Python quotes in your sleep.”

Me: “Wow. That says a lot about me, doesn’t it?”

(Thank Brian of Nazareth I didn’t disturb anyone else!)

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