Well, Stone The Crows In Your Sleep!

, , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2018

My sister has gone to a sleep-away summer camp for a number of years. One of the girls turns out to talk in her sleep, but it is mainly quiet mumbling, so no one is too bothered.

There are a number of crows that love to be near the camp, an easy source for food and entertainment. They will start cawing at dawn, every day, without fail. No one can get much sleep with them partying with the sunrise.

After five days of this, my sister and her bunkmates watch as the sleep-talker grabs the pile of shoes that are at the front door, stomps to the porch, and hurls each and every shoe at the crows. She promptly goes back to bed, and the crows disappear.

After finding all of the flung footwear, my sister asks the sleep-talker what happened. It is then that she learns that the sleep-talker has no memory of the incident, and is also now a sleep-walker. At least the crows didn’t reappear for the next few days.

Yabba Dabba Don’t Go There

, , , , , | Friendly | October 13, 2018

(I am at a house party. One of our mutual friends has two small children, who are seemingly only entertained by TV. We decide on “The Flintstones Movie.” Their father walks into the living room, sees the TV, and watches for a few minutes. I am already with the kids.)

Me: “I forgot about this movie!”

Friend: “When did Land Before Time do live action movies?”

There Is A Special Kind Of Hell Reserved For Those Who RSVP “Maybe”

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 11, 2018

(My fiancé and I are getting ready for our wedding, which is only a few weeks away.)

Me: “Huh, we never got an RSVP back from [Friend #1] or [Friend #2].”

Fiancé: “Let’s call them. The caterer needs to have the final numbers today.”

(I call [Friend #1], and he calls [Friend #2]. The conversations are almost identical, with one important difference:)

Me/Fiancé: “Hi, [Friend]! Just calling to see if you’re coming to my wedding on [date]? We haven’t gotten an RSVP from you.”

Friend #1: “Oh, I’ve been so busy. But if you haven’t heard from me, you can assume that I’m coming.”

Friend #2: “Oops! I keep forgetting to mail it. But if you haven’t heard from me, you can assume that I’m not coming.”


We Can All Be Darks On The Patio!

, , , , , | Friendly | September 30, 2018

(I am at camp. Everyone has turned in for the night. I’m up a little late trying to finish a journal entry while my friend and tentmate is lying in the cot next to me.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Friend: “Can you eat the car inside the duck?”

Me: “What?!”

Friend: “A cat is purple in my socks.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Friend: “Of course, you can be a dark in the patio.”

(It’s at this point that I remembered that he has a tendency to talk in his sleep.)

Gender Stereotypes Do Not Compute

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 29, 2018

(This happens in the late 80s. I have just bought a house and am having a housewarming party. My friend shows up with her new husband, a guy I’ve never met. I give them a quick tour, including my study.)

Friend’s Husband: *spotting my computer, which is one of the original IBM PCs with two floppy drives* “Is that your husband’s computer?”

Me: “No, it’s mine.”

Friend: *rolling her eyes* “Don’t mind him. He doesn’t think women are intelligent enough to use computers, that’s all.”

Me: *thinking* “How charming.”

(I get busy with host-related stuff. I happen to see my friend and her husband racing out the door as though their a**es were on fire. They don’t even say goodbye.)

Me: “Huh, that’s weird.”

(I didn’t think anything of it until the following day. I went to turn on my computer, and to my horror, it made a terrible grinding noise. I turned it off and investigated. SOMEONE – and I think we all know who – had shoved a floppy disk in backwards. Luckily, there was no permanent damage.)

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