My friend can sometimes be a bit of a know-it-all, but to be fair, he knows quite a bit. He has an occasional bad habit of overhearing other conversations that contain incorrect information, and butting in to correct them. 

We’ve spoken to him about reining it in and minding his own business.

We’re at a booth in a restaurant, and we overhear a couple of guys having this conversation one booth over:

Guy #1: “Hey, what’s that movie where Nicolas Cage gets his face taken off?”

Guy #2: “He takes his face off? Oh, I’m not sure.”

Guy #1: “Well, it’s got some other guy who takes his face off, too.”

Guy #2: “They both get their faces off? Hmm, I think it sounds familiar, but I can’t remember.”

My friend stares at me, pleadingly.

Me: “Yeah, go on. Put them out of their misery… and ours.”

Everyone in both booths was happy for him to tell them about John Woo’s action masterpiece, ‘Face/Off’.

CORRECTION: A misspelling has been corrected.

A friend of mine bakes muffins to sell at school for two bucks a pop. I’m with another friend.

Me: “Oh, [Friend], there’s my friend I was telling you about. The one who sells the muffins! Go get one!”

My friend runs up to him, excited, picks out a muffin, and then decides to pay entirely in five-cent coins.

Muffin Friend: “F*** that bull-s***!”

Muffin guy slaps them out of my friend’s hand, shoves a muffin in his mouth, and raises his hand as if to slap:

Muffin Friend: “Get the f*** out of here with your f****** nickels!”

My friend, removing the muffin from his mouth, runs back over to me.

Friend: “Your muffin man is violent.”

Me: “Have you met the muffin man?”

Friend: “The muffin man?”

Me: “Who lives on Fury Lane?”

When she was six, my daughter went to a school right behind our apartment. We walked over with a little girl from our building and her mom every morning. That morning, the girls decided they were going to have a foot race. My daughter ended up winning the race, and her friend, who was very clearly annoyed, says:

Daughter’s Friend: “Oh well, first is the worst and second is the best anyway.”

My daughter looked at her with a very confused look on her face and said:

Daughter: “So? I’m still first.”

I’m meeting a friend for lunch. The waiter comes up to the table, and she looks him up and down and just shakes her head.

Friend: “No… no, go get someone else. l’m not putting up with you for the next hour.”

The waiter looks mortified but walks away.

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “He looks dorky. I want someone who looks better.”

Me: “How embarrassing.”

Friend: *Laughing.* “I know, right?”

Me: “I mean, for you. Imagine being that customer? Everyone in this place will hate you every time you come in, now.”

Friend: “Oh, come on—”

Me: “—Well, this catch-up has been illuminating. Bye forever.”

I get up and leave, apologizing to the waiter on the way out for the behavior of my now ex-friend.

I recently reconnected with a friend from college, and we started hanging out together pretty often. I’ve already been to her home a few times now, met her husband, and their golden retriever, Daisy. Now she’s coming over to my house for the first time and will meet my Staffordshire terrier, Moo.

We’re sitting on the couch, having a snack and chatting, when Moo comes into the room and does her patented, dramatic flop onto her back. Classic bid for attention. I laugh and reach out to pet her, when my friend stops me.

Friend: “Oh my god! What’s wrong with her?!”

Me: *I look over my dog but don’t see anything unusual.* “What are you talking about?”

Friend: “Look!” *Points at Moo’s lower half.* “What’s wrong with her… her private parts!”

Me: “[Friend], there’s nothing wrong with them.”

Friend: “But they’re just… OUT! Are they supposed to look like that?!”

Me: *Finally realizing what she means and trying not to laugh.* “You’ve never seen Daisy’s, because she’s so fluffy, right?”

Friend: “No…”

Me: “Okay, well, this is perfectly normal, and I’m sure hers look very similar under all the fur.”

Friend: *Long pause.* “I had no idea.”

I’d assumed most people knew many dog breeds don’t have much hair on their stomachs, some are nearly bald. But apparently that’s not the case!