Has Everything Except Everything You Need

, , , | Related | July 20, 2017

(I’m at my mom’s house for a weekend family picnic. The conversation has died down so I’m on my phone on the app for a major maker of yarns, ordering yarn for a crochet project that I am working on. The type of yarn that I want is hard to find even at craft stores so I have to buy it online. A family friend is there and she is obsessed with a certain major big box retailer.)

Family Friend: “What are you doing?” *as she looks over my shoulder*

Me: “Buying yarn so I can make dish scrubbies.”

Family Friend: “Why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

(First of all, this type of yarn is a special type of yarn used to make dish scrubbies and is hard to find even at the two major chain craft stores in my area. Second of all, the yarn section at the local Walmart is very tiny and only has basic yarns.)

Me: “They only have it online.”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything! If they don’t have it at Walmart, you don’t need it! Why don’t you try making them from Supersaver yarn?”

Me: “No, I want the scrubbie yarn!”

Family Friend: “But why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

Me: “They don’t have it.”

Family Friend: *repeating what she just said VERY slowly* “But. Why. Don’t. You. Buy. It. At. Walmart?”

Me: “How many times do I have to tell you, they don’t have it?! No one in the area has it so I have to buy it online!”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything!”

(My mom then broke in and asked this friend to go help her in the kitchen because she could see how stressed that I was getting and that the conversation wasn’t getting anywhere. This family friend thinks that Walmart is the greatest store in the world and that people are stupid to shop elsewhere.)

Driven By ‘Quiet’ Words

, , , , , , | Related | July 14, 2017

(My boyfriend asks me to play golf with him and his friend. The friend is driving us and seeing as I live in the suburb between them the logical thing is for the friend to pick me up on the way to my boyfriend’s house. I am almost ready as he arrives so invite him into the house and quickly introduce him to my dad who tells me he needs to have a quiet word to me in the kitchen.)

Dad: “So why are you going out with him? What about [Boyfriend]?”

Me: “We aren’t going out. He’s picking me up on his way to [Boyfriend]’s place.”

Dad: “It’s not right. He should have picked [Boyfriend] up first and come back to get you. You should tell him to do that.”

Me: “He’s doing us a favour. I am not going to tell him to drive 15 minutes there and 15 minutes back and then drive back past [Boyfriend]’s place to get to [Golf Club].”

Dad: “It’s still not right. You need to think about [Boyfriend] before you get in the car with this guy.”

Me: “Well, I’m going.”


Friend: *to Boyfriend* “I have to say that [My Name]’s father must like you; you should have heard him having a ‘quiet’ word to her in the kitchen.”

Can’t Erase The Evidence

, , , , , | Friendly | June 26, 2017

(I have a guy friend who sits next to me in one of my classes. He jokingly steals pencils and erasers off my desk when I’m focused on something else. He does it so often that I’ve begun to reflexively grab his arm before he takes something.)

Friend: *reaches out*

Me: *grabs arm* “What’d you steal this time?”

Friend: *pulls his arm out of my grasp, takes my hand, and kisses it* “Your heart, milady.”

Me: “Nice try. Now give me back that eraser. I know it’s under your desk.”

Friend: “F***!”

(He’s still one of my best friends.)

Age Is But An Unfriendly Number

, , , , | Related | June 6, 2017

(I’m on the till. A woman who I went to primary school with twenty years earlier comes up with her daughter, aged about 8 or 9.)

School Friend: “Oh, hi, [My Name]! How are you?”

Me: “Hello, [School Friend]! I’m doing okay, thank you.”

(Her daughter is staring at my name badge.)

Daughter: “Hey, you’re not [My Name].”

School Friend: “No, he’s not Uncle [My Name]; he’s another [My Name] that I went to school with.”

Daughter: “Oh.”

School Friend: “It’s like how you’re in the same class as [Male Name #1] and [Male Name #2]. [My Name] and I were in the same class when we were your age.”

Me: “It was 20-odd years ago.”

Daughter: *pause* “Why aren’t you friends any more?”

(Both School Friend and I are taken slightly aback by this.)

School Friend: “Well, we, um…”

Me: “After primary school your mum went to the girls’ school and I went to the boys’ school.”

Daughter: *genuinely puzzled* “But you’re old!”

(We tried explaining again, but she was having a bit of trouble grasping that her mum was once her age and going to school with boys!)

Deathly Silent

, , , | Learning | May 30, 2017

(As I live about an hour and a half away from my school, I travel there and back by the school’s bus service. Travelling with me are three girls below my year and five girls in my year. Since we spend so much time together on the bus and our school bans us from using or bringing smartphones, we all talk to each other. Today, I’m not really feeling like talking so I just read a book while my friend talks to me whilst drinking water. Suddenly, she starts choking.)

Friend: *dramatically, in the middle of her coughs* “I’m dying.”

Me: *without looking up from my book* “Can you die a little quieter, please? I’m trying to read.”

(My friend suddenly stops coughing.)

Friend: *indignantly* “Excuse me, [My Name], I can die as loudly as I want!”

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