Learning How To Talk Crap

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 22, 2019

(My friend and I are traveling together through Mexico. We are sitting in an outdoor cafe on a square in a beautiful Mexican city when I am approached by a young woman. She engages me in conversation. I am nervous. She does not speak English, and I only speak basic high school Spanish, so the conversation is going slowly.)

Woman: “¿Cómo te llamas?”

Me: “¿Me llamo [My Name], y tú?”

Woman: “Gabriela… ¿Y cuantos años tienes?”

Me: “Tengo 23 anos.”

(She leaves quickly. My friend starts laughing.)

Me: “What did I say?”

Friend: “You told her you have 23 a**holes.”

Someone Needs Sensitivity Training

, , , , , | Friendly | April 16, 2019

This was told to me by a friend. This friend of mine lost his grandmother earlier this week, and five months ago lost his mother.

Two days after his grandmother died, his regional manager, who was visiting his branch, said this to his face: “Aren’t you happy? Now you have fewer family members who can die.” Later, she justified herself saying she was just kidding. Strangely enough, my friend didn’t find it funny and answered in quite colorful language.

Poke-man-splaining Is So Sexy

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2019

(For a brief time during college, my friend group hangs out with a guy who fancies himself God’s gift to women and whose favored way of flirting is to find out what a woman likes and style himself as knowing far more about it than she does. I am the first in our friend group he tries this trick on. At the time, I am casually getting into the competitive side of the Pokemon games, which involves raising a team of six monsters to fight against other people’s teams of six monsters.)

Guy: “Let me show you my Pokemon team. It is perfectly crafted to counter all threats that can be thrown against it. I spent hours analyzing the top players to create it.”

Me: “Sure. I’m just running with some of my favorites and a strategy I like. They aren’t top-tier or anything; I just do this for fun.”

Guy: “Well, once the battle is over I’ll explain to you how to actually win.”

(The battle commences in all its Nintendo DS tension and glory. I wipe the floor with him.)

Guy: “You did not use proper Pokemon for real competition and your strategy was weak. I only created my team to win real competitive battles. Change your team and we’ll fight again.

Me: “They beat you well enough, but sure. This team is a group of spares I raised up that don’t fit with the strategy of my main bunch.”

(My victory this time is more hard fought, but just as decisive.)

Guy: “You aren’t using these Pokemon like a proper competitive player would, so I can’t predict your actions to counter them. Change your team and we’ll fight again.”

Me: “Okay… I do have half of an experimental gimmick team I could fill out with some reserves.”

Guy: “Use that.”

(Finally, after insisting I use the team of monsters that consists of my half-finished joke strategy and a few others that don’t fit with the strategy, he gets his victory.)  

Guy: “Now, let me tell you what you did wrong and explain how to do it right!”

(I did not listen to him, and it was not long before our friend group stopped hanging out with him. Part of me does wish I could meet him one more time for a rematch, since my half-complete, jokey gimmick team is now a fully functional and competitively viable powerhouse that, despite its ridiculousness, would absolutely destroy him.)

That Explains Why The Enterprise Sets Were So Wooden

, , , , , | Friendly | April 12, 2019

(This story was told to me by a friend who has been away with a group of our mutual friends. They are drinking and playing games — currently Trivial Pursuits, a quiz game where you ask and answer trivia questions — when this happens.)

Friend #1: “What was the first craft into space?”

Friend #2: *after sitting for a few seconds and pondering the answer, in all seriousness* “Carpentry.”

We Know Them Inside And Out

, , , , | Friendly | April 10, 2019

(My older parents have friends, a married couple, who are very nice and friendly, but who both have a tendency to overshare on the medical front. They will happily discuss every ache, condition, medication, and doctor’s appointment they have, especially when explaining why they don’t feel well enough to hang out. One day…)

Dad: *scrolling through our landline answering machine on speaker*

Friend: “Hi, [Dad] and [Mom], I just called for a chat and to hear how everything’s going. I’m back from my colonoscopy appointment—”

Me: “W-What?!”

Friend: “—and everything is okay, but boy, am I tired! I think I need a nap now. Anyway, we’ll talk another time. Bye-bye for now.”

Dad: *looks at my face and laughs*

Me: “Did we really need to know that?!”

(No matter how my dad tries to defend it, I maintain that the answer is no. No, we did not.)

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