Don’t Say The Line If You Can’t Do The Time

, , , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2017

Me: *answering a call from an unfamiliar number* “Hello?”

Caller: *adolescent male voice* “…I’m gonna cut off your balls and shove them down your throat.” *click*

Me: “Hmm. Okay.” *calls the police, provides the number, fills out a report*

(Several days go by:)

Friend: “I heard that you called the police on my little brother?”

Me: “Oh! Is THAT who that was? Are you aware of what he said?”

Friend: “He admitted it wasn’t good, but he didn’t say what. You scared the living crap out of him; he thought he was going to jail.”

Me: “Good.”

Waffling On About All Kinds Of Things

, , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(I’m in an online chat room with a friend of mine. I’m Belgian, he’s Irish, and he’s just invited a new, British friend to the group to play an online game or two together.)

British Friend: “Where are you from?”

Me: “Belgium.”

British Friend: “I know next to nothing about your country. Not even a stereotype. Anything you guys are known for?”

Me: “We’re known for chocolate, beer, waffles, pedophiles, and french fries.”

(There’s a pause after this, and after about 20 seconds he replies.)

British Friend: “Oh, I love waffles!”

(We quickly became good friends after that.)

Adding Some Extra Spice To The Meal

, , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(In order to use our pepper mill, you need to pull the outer part down.)

Friend: *fiddling with the mill, not getting it to open*

Me: “You need to pull it.”

Friend: *pulls at the middle*

Mom: “Just like a foreskin.”

Cannot Accommodate Your Personality

, , , , , | Friendly | September 14, 2017

(A friend posts on social media about needing accommodation while she attends a seminar. I know the post is aimed at me, as I am the only person she knows that lives in the area, five hours from her home. I feel obligated to “invite” her, but also hopeful that we can rekindle our friendship that has started to drift apart. I soon notice small things that make it obvious that it’s not the case for her. She expects me to pay for her meals, when usually we go dutch, or the person visiting pays for the other’s meal. Conversations are short and curt. She demands that the television be turned off when she goes to bed at 8:30, because any sound disturbs her. My husband decides to try starting a conversation with her.)

Husband: “It’s nice to see you. I know [My Name] is happy to spend time with you after so long. It’s good that you are able to stay here”.

Friend: “Well, where else was I going to get free accommodation?”

(My husband just did a double-take, wondering if she was joking. He then gave me a look before leaving the room, when he realised she wasn’t. When she was leaving, she informed me that, seeing as I had invited her this time, it meant that it was an open invitation to come whenever she had another seminar in our area. Thankfully, she soon gave up on the course she had spent thousands of dollars on, so I no longer had to worry. I also cut down our communications on social media.)

Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

Page 1/612345...Last
Next »