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The Very Model Of A Modern Major Idiot

, , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2021

Back in the days before the Internet, I used to hang around at a modelling club. People building scale models would meet, bring their builds, share tools, give and receive feedback, and the like. People who take the hobby TOO seriously can be very particular about the exact shade and hue of camouflage, resorting to complex quasi-alchemical mixtures for obtaining the “right” colour.

During one of those meets, I heard this exchange.

Modeller #1: “What a nice build. Is it in a desert scheme?”

Modeller #2: *Taken aback* “Of course it’s not; it’s in the green and brown scheme, as you can see.”

Modeller #1: “Eh, I can’t really see that. I’m colourblind.”

Modeller #2: “You’re pulling my leg.”

Modeller #1: “Why would I?”

Modeller #2: “But… But… But… It’s impossible. How can you be sure you’re not painting your tanks fuchsia?”

Modeller #1: “Well, I have this thing to help me.”

[Modeller #2] leans forward as if to be the only one receiving a secret

Modeller #2: “You do, eh? What is it, eh?”

Modeller #1: “I read the number on the bloody pot, you dolt!

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Wisdom Is Knowing You Don’t Know Everything

, , , , | Friendly | September 14, 2021

[Friend] is super competitive; he’s not happy unless he’s winning — and preferably someone else is losing. It’s a bit annoying at times, especially when all he talks about is how much he’s won or how great he is. He never seems to remember all the times he’s lost, though.

I’ve joined his team for a pub quiz. I’m not much for general knowledge, but I know a lot about random facts.

The next question is read out.

Quiz Master: “In the Bible, who cut Samson’s hair?”

Friend: “Yes! I got it. It’s Delilah.”

Me: “It’s not. I know this one. It’s definitely not that.”

Friend: “It is; it’s famous. I’m writing it down.”

Me: “It was one of the servants, I’m telling you.”

Friend: “I’ve written it now.”

Much of the quiz is like this; he overrules everyone else. While he does get quite a few right, if he listened to us we would do a lot better.

At the very end, we come fourth and miss out on a prize.

Friend: “I can only get so many of these right on my own. You guys need to step your game up!”

We had the next quiz without him, and we came third!

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Being A Grandma Is About More Than Blood

, , , , | Related | CREDIT: nerothic | September 13, 2021

I had a friend in high school and it all went well until we were both twenty-five years old. We were the best of friends, but due to several circumstances, we stopped being friends. This friend had and still has a grandmother. She’s ninety-three years old, needs a walker, and smokes a pack a day, but she has a heart of gold. We used to visit her often.

Around the time I was twenty-eight, [Grandma] and I met by chance, and she invited me for a drink. From then on, I visited regularly, about once a month or every other month. I came to her birthday, she came to mine, and I visited around Christmas. I sent her flowers about three times a year and brought them every time I visited. She saw me as an unofficial granddaughter and said so herself. My biological grandparents were sweethearts, but one got dementia when I was in my early teens and my other one lived in another country, who I saw once a year.

[Friend] initially didn’t know about our visits, but two years after I started to visit [Grandma] regularly, she found out. She never said a word to either [Grandma] or me about it.

Now, the health crisis has changed our lives. [Grandma] and I talk on the phone and videocall. I went by her apartment last week to do a socially distanced visit so she could meet my new daughter. Everything went well. [Grandma] was proud. She told me how happy she was to have me as an unofficial granddaughter, and to have her unofficial great-grandchild from time to time. I told her I loved her and that I loved having her as a grandmother.

[Friend] called me yesterday evening. I was exhausted — I have a newborn — and the moment I picked up the phone, she started berating me.

Friend: “You greedy, money-hungry b****!”

She called me a couple of things more.

Me: “What the h***?”

I was so tired that I didn’t even know what to say. I eventually managed to ask what her problem was.

Friend: “My grandma has a copy of her will in her home; she left it out and I saw it. You’re to receive something from [Grandma] as her granddaughter!”

Yep, I am in her will, and she calls me her granddaughter in the will.

Me: “I don’t care what you think. [Grandma] can do with her things whatever she wants. I don’t care what she does.”

Friend: “What pisses me off is that you’re called a granddaughter when you’re not. You’re not entitled to anything! You need to stop calling [Grandma] your grandmother, because she’s not!”

Me: “It is up to [Grandma] to do what she likes. She calls me a granddaughter because, to her, I am just that. I call her my grandmother because that’s how she feels to me.”

After going back and forth for a while, I simply hung up.

I called [Grandma] and told her what had happened.

Grandma: “I had a feeling this would happen.”

Me: “How?”

Grandma: “[Friend] called me right before she called you and basically told me the same thing. I tried to call and warn you, but she was already on the phone with you.”

We talked with her son, who apparently already knew I’m in the will along with her sentiment. He expects there will be a storm when [Grandma] passes — hopefully not for a long time — but that will be our concern and not hers.

I told [Grandma] and her son that I don’t want to stir up trouble.

Grandma: “What I’m leaving you is something that suits you, and it’s my right and my wish to leave it for you when I pass. [Friend] can b**** and moan all she likes; it’s not hers to demand what happens with it.”

I don’t know what it is, although I have my suspicions. I hope not to find out for quite some time.

[Friend] has not called back yet. I hope it stays that way.

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A Different Kind Of Thrill Ride

, , , , , | Friendly | September 3, 2021

Some friends and I are planning to go to a local amusement park. The original plan is for it to be my boyfriend, my roommate, her boyfriend, [Friend #1], [Friend #2], and me. Shortly before we plan to go, [Friend #1] backs out; there’s a possibility she might be pregnant, and if she is, she shouldn’t be going on amusement park rides. [Roommate] and I become concerned that [Friend #2] will feel like a fifth wheel along with two couples, so we discuss together making sure we take turns so she isn’t always riding alone. I let my boyfriend know that he shouldn’t expect me to ride with him every time, and the reason why.

Boyfriend: “Oh, I thought [Friend #1] was coming, too.”

Me: “She was, but she and her husband are trying to get pregnant—”

Boyfriend: “And the only time they can try is on [day we’re going]?”

I then explained to him that it was more about her not knowing if she was pregnant yet and rides warning that pregnant women shouldn’t ride them. But I’m still ribbing him that his immediate thought was that our friend would tell us, “Sorry, I can’t come; I have to have sex with my husband that day!”

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How To Get Yourself Permanently Uninvited

, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2021

Every few weeks, [Friend #1], [Friend #2], [Friend #3], and I plan little outings to catch up. This week is my turn to plan. [Friend 1#] tells me that [Friend #4] wants to go. I agree, even though I barely know him, because it brings the cost down and he seems like a nice guy. Before booking and paying, I send out a mass text.

Me: “Hi, all! The total for our adventure is $1,000. With all five of us, it’s $200 each. Is that okay with everyone or should we look for something smaller?”

The first three friends agree that it’s okay. [Friend #4] doesn’t respond. I wait for a full day before contacting him directly.

Me: “Are you good for $200 for [event]?”

Friend #4: “K.”

Me: “Okay, I’m gonna book it. You can pay me there.”

Friend #4: “I said OK.”

The day of the event comes and we all gather at my house. My first three friends have cash in hand, but [Friend #4] shows up empty-handed. I pull him aside. 

Me: *Quietly* “Hey, do you have your money?”

Friend #4: “No.”

Me: “I told you it’s $200 to go out today.”

Friend #4: “I don’t have that kind of money.”

Me: *Frustrated* “So why did you tell me you were good? I asked—”

Friend #4: “You said I could go.”

Me: “If you pay.”

Friend #4: “You didn’t say that. You invited me out and now you expect me to pay?”

Me: *Sigh* “If we cover you, can you pay us back?”

Friend #4: “You already paid for everything, right? It’s not a lot more if you—”

Me: “No. You pay or you don’t go.”

Friend #4: “I drove all the way here and you aren’t going to let me go?”

I shrug.

Friend #4: “F*** you!”

I’m one of those people who laugh when they get mad, like now.

Me: “Get the f*** out of here.”

Friend #4: “You know what? I heard you were a c***, but I gave you the benefit. Now I see he was right. You’re f****** white-a** trash. F*** you!”

I tell our friends what happened. [Friend #1] shakes his head. 

Friend #1: “I’m sorry, [My Name]. He has money; he just doesn’t like to spend it. He pulled the same s*** at dinner the other night.”

Me: “Well… thanks for being so flexible. But if any of you ask if [Friend #4] can come with us again, my answer is no.”

My friends all pitched in to help cover [Friend #4]’s absence. He tried to wedge his way into another event a few weeks later, but I shut him down without hesitation.

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