Sewing Your True Colors

, , , , , | Friendly | November 17, 2017

My friend wants to make her children Pokémon for Halloween, but she can only find one Halloween costume, so her son doesn’t have one. Since I sew my son’s costumes every year, I volunteer my time to make her son’s, as well. I find out what Pokémon she wants her son to be and start planning out the execution. I give her the task of getting the materials, with very specific instructions and dimensions needed, and tell her where to go for them.

A week later, my child has a rough night, resulting in me sleeping from 8:00 am to noon. I wake up to a single text message, sent at 9:30, asking to come with her to get the fabric at noon. Since it’s already noon, I quickly text her back, apologizing for the delay. She doesn’t respond immediately, so I check my Facebook. On her timeline she has posted, “Seriously reconsidering [Son]’s Halloween costume!” This irks me as, so far, I have been very communicative with her.

My friend says nothing more other than, “Are you still willing to make [Son]’s Halloween costume?” After a moment of consideration, I tell her no. If she is going to get snippy and passive-aggressive about not responding for two and a half hours, I dread to think how she would act through the actual sewing process.

The Punning Dead

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2017

(I am chatting with some friends about the TV show “The Walking Dead.”)

Friend: “I gave up watching after season two.”

Me: “Season two was the worst season, but it got so much better after that.”

Friend: “I just got bored; nothing was happening!”

Me: “But it’s so well written, and the characters are really fleshed out.”

Friend: “Until they’re not.”

Me: “Literally.”

Force-Fed Some Common Sense

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 14, 2017

(During a break between classes, my friends and I are standing in the hallway talking. One of my friends has a plate of food from her culinary class in one hand and a drink in the other.)

Friend #1: “How am I supposed to eat this with my hands full?”

Me: “Here, let me give you a hand.”

(I reach over and grab the fork off her plate and start spearing pieces of food and holding it up to her mouth to eat. This proceeds until the plate is empty as we all keep talking.)

Friend #2: *after staring at us with a weird look* “Why did you feed her? Wouldn’t have been easier to hold the plate for her or hold the drink while she took bites?”

([Friend #1] and I freeze and then stare at each other in disbelief, as that thought hadn’t crossed either of our minds.)

Me: *as everyone is laughing now* “Why didn’t any of you say anything earlier?! You just let me feed her for the last five minutes!”

Friend #2: “Honestly, I didn’t think either of you were that stupid, so I assumed there had to be a reasonable explanation for why you did it that way.”

Me: “Yeah, well, you got that wrong.”

Are You Friend Or Old Enemy?

, , , , | Friendly | November 13, 2017

(I am talking with my friends about bands when the conversation shifts to Nirvana.)

Friend #1: “I actively avoid listening to Nirvana.”

Friend #2: “WHAT?!”

Me: “The ghost of Kurt Cobain will haunt you tonight.”

Friend #1: “Let him! See if I care!”

Me: “So, you’re just going to be like, ‘Spirit of Kurt, come as you are.’”

Pie Down Do Your Last Digit

, , , , , , , | Related | November 12, 2017

Son: “Hey, Mom! You’re never going to believe what [Best Friend] just told me!”

Me: “Do I really want to hear this?”

Son: “Probably not, but I’m telling you, anyway. You know that one scene in ‘American Pie?'”

Me: “You mean the pie?”

Son: “Yep. Well, last night [Best Friend] got home right after his mom left for work, and she’d made him a pie…”

Me: “I do not want to hear any more!”

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