Sinfully Delicious, Part 6

, , , , | Friendly | April 21, 2018

(My significant other and I are at a friend’s house for a meal. We are eating dessert.)

Me: “Oh, I think I might be a sinner and go get a second piece.”

Friend: “Getting a second helping is a sin?”

Me: “I guess so.”

Friend: *jumping up and heading for the dessert table* “Let it never be said that I missed out on a sin.”

Related:
Sinfully Delicious, Part 5
Sinfully Delicious, Part 4
Sinfully Delicious, Part 3

Sugar And Spice And All Things Not Nice

, , , , | Friendly | April 18, 2018

(My friend is venting to me about her annoying roommates. This conversation takes place over online chat.)

Friend: “They’re so awful. I got really fed up the other day and I did something bad.”

Me: “Oh, God, [Friend], what did you do?”

Friend: “Nothing that they could sue me over or directly attribute to me.”

Me: “[Friend]…”

Friend: “I just put sugar in their beds.”

Me: “[Friend]!”

Friend: “And salt in their conditioner.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “And chili powder in their laundry detergent.”

Me: “[FRIEND]!”

Friend: “They stole my pads and expensive hot chocolate!”

Me: “Oh, okay. That’s justifiable.”

A Venomous Sibling Relationship

, , , , , , | Related | April 18, 2018

(A friend gets a call from his brother. After talking a little:)

Friend: “Oh, did you know that Mom got bit by a rattlesnake?”

Brother: “No, I didn’t! Is she all right?”

Friend: “Yeah, they kept her in the hospital overnight, but it was a dry bite, and she’s okay.”

(Dry bites are when the snake doesn’t inject any venom. They are surprisingly common, as the snake doesn’t want to waste the venom. [Brother] thinks about it a minute and then calls their sister.)

Brother: “Hey, sis, did you know Mom got bit by a rattlesnake?”

Sister: *screams* “NO, I DIDN’T! Is the snake okay?”

Not Quite Climbing That Intelligence Ladder

, , , , | Learning | April 18, 2018

(We are an all-girls school with a uniform that includes optional black tights. As part of the policy, if you wear black tights, they must NOT have ladders or holes. My best friend is known for not having much common sense. She and I have just returned from a PE lesson, both very tired and out of breath, and are getting changed back into uniform, when I notice that she has a ladder in her tights.)

Me: “[Friend]! There’s a ladder in your tights; you might get coded.”

Friend: “I’m sure no one will notice. It’s fine.”

Me: “No, we have [Strict Teacher, notorious for random uniform checks] next period. Just go without. You have shorts to wear under your skirt, right?”

Friend: “Yeah, but it’s fine. Watch this.”

(She begins to turn her tights the other way out, so that the label is on the outside, and puts them on again.)

Me: “Wha… What are you doing?”

Friend: “See? I turn them inside out, and the ladder will be on the insi… Oh.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “I’ll go without.”

That’s How The Generational Cookie Crumbles

, , , , | Friendly | April 15, 2018

(My dad and his friend often meet up for a week-long convention near our town. They are in their 50s and 60s — as are 90% of the club members — and have been attending this particular convention for almost 30 years. It’s worth noting that most of these people have watched me grow up. This year, I visit the hotel, and inevitably, I sit through the, “How old are you, now? I remember when you were knee-high to a grasshopper! We’re getting older, huh?” conversation, yet again. But honestly, this one is my favorite:)

Dad’s Friend: *digging through his cooler* “Well, Miss [My Name], I guess we’re just getting old now. Here you are, all grown up and having a baby of your own. Years ago, your dad and I would be sitting down with a rum and coke at about this time. Now I’m sitting down with cookies and milk!”

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