Lifestyles Of The Cheap And The Hungry

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 15, 2021

Back in the depths of time, when I was in high school, one of my friends was notoriously cheap. He had money but loathed spending it on anything except his hobbies. I was driving back to town after taking the group to a convention when we decided to pull over at a chain restaurant for lunch. The waiter handed us the menus and asked us what we wanted to drink.

Me: “Iced tea, please.”

Friend #2: “Coke.”

Friend #3: “Coffee.”

Friend #1: “I’ll just have water.”

The rest of us rolled our eyes at that but looked through the menus and decided what we wanted to eat. [Friend #1] spent a lot of time checking the menu for the cheapest item and was still at it when the waiter returned.

Waiter: “Have we decided what we’re having?”

Friend #2: “I’ll have a cheeseburger and onion rings.”

Friend #3: “Could I get [restaurant specialty meal]?”

Me: “I’d like a cheeseburger and fries.”

[Friend #1] was silent.

Waiter: “Sir? Are you ready to order?”

Friend #1: “I’d like the a la mode.”

Everyone at the table sat there in shock. The waiter rallied quickly.

Waiter: “You said you wanted a la mode?”

Friend #1: “That’s all I want.”

Waiter: “Uh… most people have that with pie.”

Friend #1: “Nope. I’ll just have the a la mode.

He handed the waiter his menu.

Waiter: “O… kay. One a la mode it is.”

The waiter headed for the kitchen to put in our order and we all rounded on [Friend #1].

All Of Us: “What the h*** is wrong with you? Who the h*** orders a la mode by itself? It’s supposed to be served on a slice of pie!”

Friend #1: “It’s the cheapest thing on the menu.”

Our food was quickly brought out to us, and [Friend #1] got a very small scoop of vanilla ice cream served on an otherwise empty saucer. We mocked him mercilessly throughout the meal and during the drive back to town. 

Me: A la mode may have been the cheapest item on the menu, but it wasn’t the cheapest thing in that restaurant.”

Friend #1: *Looking interested* “What was the cheapest thing at the restaurant?”

All Of Us: “YOU!”

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Snakes Are Un-bear-able!

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2021

I am a born and raised city girl from California. I am chatting on Facebook with a friend in Australia about how she found two poisonous snakes in her garden mating and called someone to get them out. She knows that I have a hardcore snake phobia but also that I am DYING to go to Australia.

Me: “Please tell me they put the snakes in a bag, threw the bag into a river, and threw the river into the sun.”

Friend: “Oh, they are just part of the natural environment, like your cougars, bears, or rattlers.”

Me: “My dear lady, I am from a city where cougars are forty-year-old women with twenty-six-year-old boyfriends, bears are large hairy homosexuals, and rattlers are crappy cars driven by teenagers. I do not do ‘outside’!”

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It’s A Smaller World Than You Think

, , , , , | Friendly | May 27, 2021

I’m on holiday from the UK to America and I end up staying with friends of a friend. They are a lovely couple, not exactly the travelled type. They are regularly shocked when I mention that we also have certain brands or TV channels, and they couldn’t comprehend how big or old some of England is.

Me: “I was going to get some things to make us all dinner tonight.”

Friend: “Oh, I can’t wait to taste some European food.”

Me: “Err, sure, you could call it that. Is there a store nearby? Anything on a bus route?”

Friend: “Oh, don’t worry about that; I will take you. Hey, there’s an English woman who works there! Maybe you know her?”

Me: “I doubt that; there are fifty million of us.”

Friend: “Really? Well, she is about your age, so you might know her.”

She drives me to the store later that day. We’re walking around when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and a worker is standing there.

Worker: “Sorry, but is your name [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Worker: “I thought it was you. It’s [Worker]. We went to school together!”

[Worker] joined us for drinks that weekend. It was great to see her again, but I think I’ve ruined my host’s idea of the UK!

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With Friends Like These Being Late May Have Been On Purpose

, , , | Right | May 20, 2021

I’m a server at a restaurant in a larger city. A lot of streets in our city are under construction, and all of the detours can make it somewhat difficult for customers to figure out how to get into our parking lot.

One day, a group of adults gets seated in my area. I bring them their menus.

Customer: “We’re waiting on one more person to join us; he’s driving himself and didn’t know where to go with all of the construction.”

I bring the group their drinks and take their orders.

Me: “Would you like me to wait for your friend and take his order when he arrives so he can have hot food?”

Customer: “No, we’ll just give you his order now so he can just sit down and eat instead of having to wait for his food to be cooked.”

Twenty minutes later, the man still hasn’t arrived.

Me: “Would you like me to take his food back to the kitchen to be remade since it’s probably getting cold by now?”

Customer: “He’s really close, and he’s not picky, so he’ll eat it anyway.”

Ten minutes after THAT, the man finally arrives and joins the group at the table… only to take one bite of his food, and ask:

Late Customer: *Very politely* “Can I please have my meal remade? It’s getting cold.”

I brought him his fresh food, and the other people tried to convince him to eat as fast as possible so they could get on with whatever they were doing that day. After he took a few bites, the group got fed up waiting, and walked out… without paying for anything.

I felt so sorry for him that I offered to get him a free dessert because they had been so rude to him. He declined and just said that he was used to that kind of behavior from them. He took the time to properly enjoy his meal, was perfectly friendly and polite the entire time, and left a good tip even after they stuck him with the entire bill.

I don’t know who any of the people were, or how this man knew them, but they certainly don’t deserve someone like him in their lives.

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Take A Little Taste Of Humanity

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 20, 2021

I’m visiting my friend in London; we’re both women who prefer to wear smart-looking clothes over casual. I’m a low-income earner whilst she earns much higher, but we are both working class. We’re walking down a street when we are approached by two men a bit older and a lot taller than us who appear to be homeless.

One man is looking somewhat hopeful whilst the other looks wary; both look very desperate. My friend immediately tenses and looks uncomfortable. The men stop.

Hopeful Man: “We don’t mean any harm or anything. We don’t want money. Just… can you spare anything? Please? A chocolate bar or… crisps… or even like… deodorant or something so we don’t immediately get shooed out for smelling when we do have some cash to buy stuff?”

Wary Man: *Almost inaudibly* “Come one, [Hopeful Man]. Look at them; they’re not gonna care.”

My friend is pulling at me to leave but I take my handbag off my shoulder.

Me: “I don’t carry cash, and I know it’s not much, but I’ve got some drinks and some chocolate?”

I offer the men two bottles of drink and two chocolate bars that I have in my bag. They take them.

Hopeful Man: “Thank you! Thank you so much!

Wary Man: “Yeah… Yeah, thanks!”

They leave. I feel good. My friend, however…

Friend: “Why did you do that? They were probably druggies!”

Me: “I… What?”

Friend: “THEY WERE DRUGGIES!”

Me: “One, you don’t know that. Two, even if they were, that doesn’t mean that they should starve. And three, it’s £1.50 worth of drinks and chocolates — hardly breaking the bank.”

Friend: “Still!”

Me: “No. It was my food; I can do with it what I want.”

We still chat, just not nearly as much as we did before.

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