Didn’t You Learn To Use Your Words In Kindergarten?

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 20, 2021

My boyfriend and I are at a friend’s house when we witness this interaction. My friend’s boyfriend grabs her bra strap and pulls it. In response, she turns around and squeezes his balls. Then, my friend’s boyfriend honks her boob, so she pulls his leg hair.

My boyfriend and I are initially speechless!

Boyfriend: “If I ever do anything you don’t like, just tell me and I’ll stop.”

Be A Jerk In Moderation

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 20, 2021

This takes place in a relatively popular Minecraft server for my area, where everyone is challenged to build the biggest, best build they can. I personally love modern-looking mansions, so I decide to build a huge one, and since I’m gay, I put a rainbow beacon set on the roof. It is huge, and it takes me weeks of logging on during every spare moment I have to finish just the outside. I start on the inside, but I have to log off for the night.

When I log back in the next morning, I can’t see the rainbow beacons. There are hundreds of other modern mansions that are just as big and spectacular as mine, so it will take me at least thirty minutes to look, but I have to be somewhere in thirty-five minutes. I decide to take the fast route and just chat [Moderator #1] to see what happened. I am also acquainted with [Moderator #1] in real life, so I have an idea of what happened.

Me: “Hey, [Moderator #1], do you know what happened to my rainbow beacons that were on top of my mansion? I can’t find it otherwise, because it looks so similar to everyone else’s.”

Moderator #1: “Oh, those? Yeah, the person that lives in your mansion now took them off.”

Me: “In my mansion?! I didn’t give anyone permission to be in my mansion!”

Moderator #1: “Oh, well, you gave me permission to sell one of your other mansions, so I figured you wouldn’t care if I sold this one.”

Me: “I only gave you permission to sell that mansion because it was small and crappy! This one I’m not even done with yet, and it’s the hardest build I’ve ever made!”

Moderator #1: “Whatever. It’s not my problem that you didn’t clarify it was just the one mansion. If you want to complain further, here’s the gamertag of the person that lives in your mansion now. [Moderator #2].”

[Moderator #1] then logs off, leaving me to talk to [Moderator #2] alone.

Me: *Fuming* “Hey, [Moderator #2], I need to talk to you.”

[Moderator #2] reads all the chats.

Moderator #2: “Yeah, [My Gamertag], I kind of figured that out. I’m so sorry and I had no idea he didn’t have permission from you to sell the mansion. I also thought I got scammed since the inside wasn’t even finished.”

I’m relieved that [Moderator #2] isn’t an a**hole like [Moderator #1].

Me: “Yeah, the reason it wasn’t finished is that I didn’t know he was going to sell it. I’ll get him to give you a refund.”

Moderator #2: “He’d better give me a refund! I spent four emeralds and three wither skeleton skulls on this house!”

Me: “Oh, also can you put the rainbow beacons back up? I have to leave now, but that’s the only way I’ll be able to see it when I log back in.”

Moderator #2: “No problem. Also, after he gives me my refund, [Moderator #1] is getting banned!”

[Moderator #1] did end up paying back [Moderator #2] in full, he gave me an apology, and then he got banned for selling property without permission from the owner. I finally finished my house, and I also never saw [Moderator #1] in person or on Minecraft again.

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You Think They’d Accept Mastercard?

, , , , , | Friendly | January 14, 2021

My friend is getting ready to move to New Zealand for work — literally the other side of the world — and has sold or given away all of his possessions, including his bed. He is one of the loveliest people I have ever met but not the most organised.

I visit him the morning he is due to get on the plane so I can say goodbye.

Me: “Are you ready to go? How are you feeling?”

Friend: “A bit daft.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “It turns out you need a visa to move to New Zealand.”

It took him another month to be able to get out there. Fortunately, his work was okay with this and the job was still waiting for him!

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Anything Can Happen On A Landline!

, , , , , | Related | January 11, 2021

My grandmother just turned ninety but lives alone and is in excellent health. After my grandfather died a few years ago, she joined an exercise group of other widows at the local senior center and they all got to be good friends and had excursions together. (This was before the health crisis.)

My brother and my two-year-old nephew stop by for a visit. [Nephew] finds Grandma’s phone — an actual corded landline — and manages to hit redial, calling her best friend. He babbles at her for a bit and then hangs the phone up and comes back into the other room where the adults are.

We find this out because the best friend calls Grandma back ten minutes later.

Best Friend: “[Grandma]! Are you okay?!”

Somewhere over the course of “conversation,” she became convinced that either she or my grandma was having a stroke because the words just didn’t make sense! It took a few minutes for my brother to put two and two (and two-year-old) together and figure out what had happened. Grandma now has a funny story about her precocious grandchild, and my nephew will be able to tell his grandkids someday that yes, one time he DID use a phone plugged into a wall.

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Friends Don’t Pick Friends’ Locks

, , , | Friendly | January 8, 2021

My husband’s friend is getting divorced.

Friend: “Can you hold a few boxes of my things while I sort through this?”

Husband: “No problem. We have room in the attic for a few boxes.”

What comes over, however, is a dozen boxes of books, rechargeable batteries for power tools, and heavy winter clothes. We haul this stuff up to the attic and it sits there. And sits. And sits. For over a year.

Then, one day, this friend texts my husband.

Friend: “Hey, I’m coming over to get my stuff.”

Husband: “Unfortunately, we’re not home right now, but we can help you when we get home this evening.”

He doesn’t reply. When we get home, we are surprised to see that our front door isn’t latched shut. I go into panic mode, thinking we’ve been robbed. We check the house and everything is fine until we get to the attic door. It’s one of those pull-down doors with a string hanging from the ceiling. It is still open. We go up and find that all of my husband’s friend’s boxes are gone. My husband calls his friend.

Husband: “What happened?!”

Apparently, he couldn’t wait a few hours to get his stuff, so he brought some of his friends — strangers to us — to our house, picked the lock, and allowed them into our home to retrieve his things. He saw nothing wrong with what he did, because he told us he wanted his things and we weren’t helping him. He is no longer a friend and now we have a new lock and security system.

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