I’m driving home from my night shift when my friend’s girlfriend asks if I can pick them up from a bar.

Me: “I guess? You didn’t drive there?”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “[Friend] drove, but he lost his car keys.”

Fair enough. I go a couple of blocks out of my way and text them I’m outside. I see them walk outside, with my friend looking a little wobbly.

Me: “You okay, bud?”

Friend: *Pointing at me.* “Don’t shoot your chickens before you can see the whites of their eggs.”

Me: “How… how much have you drunk tonight?”

Friend: “Yes.”

The next morning, my friend’s girlfriend said she hid his car keys on purpose when he started not only mixing idioms into malaphors but mixing malaphors into double malaphors. She figured that was a level of drunk brain that should be nowhere near a wheel.

It is the day of the April 8, 2024, solar eclipse in the USA. I’m watching it with a friend.

Friend: “So, what’s blocking the sun?”

Me: “…the moon, [Friend]. It’s the moon that’s blocking the sun.”

Friend: “Why are you saying it like that?”

Me: “Well what else would it be? The frickin’ Death Star?”

Friend: “Maybe like an asteroid or something. I dunno, I didn’t study astro-taut-eronomy or whatever.”

Me: “It’s the moon. It’s always the moon, [Friend]. Every time there’s an eclipse, it’s the moon.”

Friend: “How do they always know when it’s gonna happen?”

Me: “Because they always know where the Moon, Sun, and Earth are gonna be way out into the future, so they know when they line up for eclipses.”

Friend: “What if they just… decide not to?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend: “Well, what if one day the Sun and Moon decide to swap positions? What if the sun gets in front of the moon one day?”

Me: “…”

Friend: “Don’t look at me like that! I said that I didn’t study astro-whatever!”

Me: “Yes that is becoming increasingly obvious.”

To my friend’s credit, he is an amazing electrician and very intelligent; he just skipped that particular science semester at school. It was also fun explaining to him that Saturn’s rings didn’t spin around the planet like a hula hoop.

Related:
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 8
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 7
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 6
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 5
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 4

I’m showing my schoolfriend around my garden after school one day.

Me: “These are some olive trees. My grandad planted them when he was a boy, apparently, so now they’re pretty big.”

Friend: “That’s so cool!”

Me: “In fact, some are ready. Want to try one?”

Friend: “Yeah!”

I hand him a particularly good one. He takes a bite and spits it out, looking disgusted.

That was the day I found out he’d only ever eaten pitted olives stuffed with pimento, and assumed that’s how olives came off the tree…

Related:

As Olive And Breathe… 

Friend: “When’s your birthday?”

Me: “February 28th.”

Friend: “Oh, the last day of the month?”

Me: “Well, 75% of the time.”

Friend: “Huh?”

Me: “Not on leap years.”

Friend: “What’s a leap year?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Friend: “Seriously! What’s a leap year?”

Me: “Every four years, February has twenty-nine days instead of twenty-eight.”

Friend: “Why? That’s so stupid.”

Me: “It’s to regulate the timing of the year, as the Earth doesn’t rotate around the sun in exactly one year, so every four years they have to reset it with an extra day.”

Friend: “Wait, the Earth goes around the Sun?”

Me: “Okay, you’re trolling me now.”

Friend: “I am not! I thought the Earth went around the moon!”

Me: “Okay, what do we have planned today, because I feel like we’re going to be here a while…”

I like to make puppets as a hobby, and I’m discussing my latest project with a friend on the phone.

Me: “So, the next puppet I’m planning is going to be a jackalope.”

Friend: “A what? What the h*** is a jackalope?”

He proceeds to look it up.

Friend: “What the…? Who comes up with this s***?”

Me: “A taxidermist with a sense of humor?”