Sometimes, Something Beautiful Happens…

, , , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2020

I’m heading to join my friends at their usual area in the cafeteria when one of them leaps from his seat and runs up to me.

Friend: *Excited* “[My Name]! Have you heard I just had sex?!”

Me: *Stunned* “Congratulations?”

The Lonely Island had released a song titled “I Just Had Sex,” and that was how I found out about it.

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Best To Just Soldier On

, , , , , | Right | September 23, 2020

I’m in the Canadian military, and I’m doing some grocery shopping after the workday at a local grocery store. A customer approaches me with their grocery list in hand.

Customer: “Excuse me. Could you help me find a few things?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t really help you. I’m not sure where most of the stuff in here is; I just go up and down each aisle until I find what I’m looking for.”

Customer: “Oh, but aren’t soldiers supposed to help anyone in need?”

Me: *Laughing* “I guess you’re right. All right, let me see your list.”

We ended up shopping together for the remainder of our time in the store and are now pretty good friends.

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Crossing The Cultural Divide… Kind Of

, , , , | Romantic | September 22, 2020

One of my best friends lives in Germany and is in university. She’s describing a relationship between a classmate of hers and a foreign student from the USA.

Friend: “He doesn’t speak German and she doesn’t speak English, but they’re both taking Spanish, so that’s how they communicate!”

Me: “Aw! That’s cute.”

Friend: “But I actually wasn’t sure about something. She likes him, and she thinks he likes her, too, because he’s always super nice to her! But I wanted to ask you what you thought, because I think the way he’s behaving might just be a Southern US thing?”

Me: “Only so much I can tell without meeting the guy, but shoot.”

Friend: “Well, he always holds the door for her, and he walks her to her dorm when it’s late, and…” *Describes a proper Southern Gentleman*

Me: “Ah, yeah. I think this is just a cultural disconnect. Your friend can go for it, but I think he’s just being polite.”

Friend: “I was afraid of that. I’ll let her know.”

The classmate did end up asking the guy out, and he, very politely, let her down. Turns out he was being nice to her because that’s how he was raised and that’s how he treats everybody. Thankfully, because of the forewarning, she wasn’t entirely heartbroken and bounced back quickly.

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Being A Real Boob

, , , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2020

I have a friend who’s a little bit… off. She means well, but she sometimes goes in strange directions.

Friend: “It’s weird that they call it coconut milk. I mean, at least with almond milk or oat milk, they were deliberately trying to make something like milk, but coconuts just have the stuff inside them already.”

Me: “Right, but it is similar to milk.”

Friend: “Yes, but people from some cultures wouldn’t know that, not before they made contact with Europeans.”

Me: “Wouldn’t know what?”

Friend: “What milk is.”

Me: *Confused pause* “Why wouldn’t they know that?”

Friend: “Well, they didn’t have cows.”

Me: “Okay, but even if they had no domestic animals at all, they’d still know what milk is.”

Friend: “How could they possibly know that?”

Me: “[Friend]. Humans make milk.”

Friend: “Not without animals! Where would they get it from?”

Me: “From their boobs?”

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Remember What Happens When You Assume

, , , , , | Friendly | September 20, 2020

A guy I went to college with becomes a local cop. We stay friends for years after graduation, getting together now and then for dinner and drinks.

When the riots begin over racist cops, he stops coming out, opting to either come to my house or invite me to his. Every time we get together, he tells me about how people are spitting on him, screaming at him, and calling him names, despite him never having done anything to merit their behavior. As time went on, he is less and less available. I figure he is working more or being more cautious.

Finally, one day, I call to set up our next dinner and a recording says the number isn’t accepting calls. I go to his social media and ask when he wants to get together.

Me: “Dinner this week?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Everything all right? I tried to call you.”

Friend: “We need to talk.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Friend: “You need to grow up.”

He also sends a screenshot of my page. It shows a post that says, “If a few bad cops do not represent all cops, a few bad black men do not represent all black men.”

Me: “I think we have a misunderstanding. That post is telling people not to make assumptions.”

He read the message and blocked me. I guess he didn’t want to talk after all.

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