Not Quite Jumping To Conclusions

, , , , , , | | Learning | July 31, 2019

(I’m in my late 20s. I have worked with kids for many years. I’ve just gotten in an elevator when I’m followed by a group of girls, no older than 13. There is a sign in the elevator warning people not to jump.)

Girl #1: “Okay, everyone. On three…”

(They get set, and I realize that they’re going to jump once the elevator starts moving.)

Me: *in my best teacher voice* “HEY!”

(They all stare at me.)

Me: “What does that sign say?”

Girl #1: “Jumping in the elevator will cause… entrapment.” 

Girl #2: “What’s entrapment?”

Me: “It means that we will be trapped if y’all start jumping.”

(Blank stares.)

Me: “We’ll be stuck, and the fire department will have to rescue us.”

Girl #2: “Ohhhhh.”

Me: “I don’t want to be stuck in an elevator today. Do y’all?”

Girls #1-4: *quietly* “No, ma’am.”

(My floor dinged, so I got off. As I was walking away, I heard one of the girls say in surprise, “How did she even KNOW?”)

This House Party Is Heating Up!

, , , , , , | | Related | July 16, 2019

There was a party at my house when I was seven. My mom and dad were busy, but I was hungry. Not wanting to bother them, I decided to make my own microwave ramen noodles.

I knew that my mom didn’t add the pack of veggies, so I left them out. In the directions, adding the veggies and adding water were in the same step. My seven-year-old brain thought, “You only need the water for the vegetables,” so I didn’t add any water. 

I put it in the microwave and waited for it to be done. All of a sudden, the microwave was on fire and smoke was filling the kitchen. 

The fire department ending up coming and in the end, we had to get a new microwave, oven, and kitchen cabinets.

News Flash: Lasers Get Hot

, , , , , | | Right | July 2, 2019

(Sitting next to a coworker, I hear him take this call.)

Coworker: “It’s doing what? Okay, turn it off and unplug it. No, you need to turn it off. Yes, turn it off. No, turn it off now. Yes, right now. No, you really need to turn it off right now.”

(I get a call and miss the rest, but I ask him about it afterward.)

Coworker: “His laser printer had six-inch flames coming out of the output slot. He didn’t want to turn it off because it was still printing. And once he’d turned it off and the fire was out, he wanted to know if he could turn it back on and use it.”

An Alarming Lack Of Safety Concern

, , , , , | | Right | July 1, 2019

(I work as a night porter in a hotel and resort. Over New Year, we have the fire alarm go off dead on midnight during the gala event. We deactivate the alarm and investigate the cause of it, discovering that some genius — valued customer — has set off some kind of sparkler or other smoke-producing device indoors on the bottom of the hotel corridor, and that is what set the alarm off. We open some doors to air it out and report it as a false alarm. I get a phone call some three minutes later from one of the guest rooms.)

Guest: “What on earth are you people thinking?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Guest: “Setting off fire alarms for New Year! Don’t you know people are sleeping?!”

Me: “I am sorry, but there was a genuine smoke alarm as a result of someone setting off a device at midnight. There is no fire but the alarm was a real one.”

Guest: “I don’t believe you! Stupid people care more about parties than their guests!” *hangs up*

(The following morning, around nine, there is another fire alarm, this time because of a malfunctioning hair drier. The phone rings. Guess who?)

Guest: “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! AGAIN! YOU DID IT AGAIN!”

Me: *face already in palm* “Ma’am, I am so sorry, but this was another genuine alarm.”

Guest: “I AM COMING DOWN THERE, AND I DEMAND A FULL REFUND FOR THIS INCREDIBLE RUDENESS!” *hangs up*

(She came down to the desk and proceeded to shout at us for roughly ten minutes, not allowing me to tell her that I needed to get a manager for her to receive her refund. Honestly. Some people. I know two alarms in one night is extremely annoying, and if I were a guest, I would be slightly upset about it, but not “shout at the staff who were not responsible for ten minutes” upset. But I guess we, as a hotel, should stop being so inconsiderate and turn off the loud, incredibly rude beepy things that are in place to save lives and protect people.)

Increasing Rungs Of Anger

, , , , | | Related | June 8, 2019

(I’m at the takeaway when my wife calls.)

Wife: *clearly distressed* “Home, now.”

Me: “But honey…”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

(I return home as soon as possible without breaking too many speed limits or causing accidents. The house is not on fire. Everything looks normal. I enter cautiously and find my wife on the sofa, still in distress, and my two-year-old playing on the rug with the dog without a care in the world. I have to add that earlier I made some minor repairs to the roof and left the ladder out.)

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *carefully, still not finding an urgency* “Sure, honey, after dinner.”

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *slightly irritated* “Yes, but after dinner…”

Wife: “Now!”

Me: “But dinner will get cold…”

(As she threw me a murderous look, I went outside and took away the ladder. When I reentered, she was calmed down enough to explain what happened. She was in the kitchen when she heard what she thought was the cat on the roof but it sounded a bit heavy, so she decided to check. Somehow, our toddler, who has the run of the house and the garden — which is normally childproof — made it up the ladder and up the roof. I admit I needed a bit of a sit-down after that, as well. And in the three years since, I’ve never forgotten to take the ladder back down again when I was done working. Our daughter is still the adventurous and exploring type.)

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