From Jersey Shore To Shore

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

Me: “Hello, [overseas US Military Hotel]; how can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Oh, you speak English.”

Me: “Yes, this is an American military hotel you are calling.”

Caller: “Wow, your English is really good!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.”

Caller: “You don’t even have an accent!”

Me: “…”

A Lack Of Military Intelligence, Part 2

, , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

(My parents, my sister, and I are together. I am male.)

Mom: “Do you have military discount?”

Employee: “Yes, but either your husband or son needs to show a military ID.”

(My sister puts her ID on counter. The employee glances at it but doesn’t pick it up.)

Employee: “Military, not school or something else.”

Sister: “It is military.”

Employee: “You’re in the military?”

Sister: “Yes.”

Employee: “But you’re a woman!”

Sister: “Yes.”

Employee: “How are you military?”

Sister: “Because I was accepted.”

(The employee finally picked up the ID and stared at it before accepting it.)

A Lack Of Military Intelligence

Laptop Flop Meets Military Intelligence

, , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

(I am in the army, where I am working as the only computer and networking tech. This means supporting over two hundred end-users all alone. A brand-new lieutenant walks into my office on a particularly busy day.)

Lieutenant: “I need a brand-new laptop, now!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Lieutenant: “I said I need a brand-new laptop. Time now!”

Me: “Okay, sir. What exactly is going on with the one you were issued?”

(I just issued them a laptop that morning.)

Lieutenant: “The one you gave me is too old. It doesn’t even connect to the Internet, and I need a new one to work.”

(Cue the feeling that they’re doing something stupid.)

Me: “Well, sir, give me a few minutes, as I am working on the Commander’s laptop and it is my current priority.”


(Deep breath.)

Me: “All right, sir. Before I can, I need to properly diagnose your system at your workstation. If you’ll show me your desk…”

(After a short walk down the hall to another office where several officers and NCOs are working, the lieutenant shows me his laptop and I immediately find the problem. At this unit, all Wi-Fi is disabled, so the only way to connect to the Internet is via a hard line. In this case, the line is not connected to his laptop. Holding up the disconnected cable, I turn to the lieutenant.)

Me: “Sir, you need to plug this in for the Internet to work… as I explained this morning when I issued this laptop to you.”

(I dropped the cable on his desk and walked out back to my office. I could hear the other officers and NCOs laughing all the down the hall.)

I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2018

(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

Not Applying Any Military Intelligence

, , , , | Healthy | February 9, 2018

(My military career has me outdoors most of the time, usually in very hot and sunny places. Several years later, I develop a rough patch on my face and am referred to a specialist who listens to my history and diagnoses a precancerous lesion. He recommends that it be removed right away, during this visit, and I agree. He leaves the exam room, and I overhear him giving instructions to the nurse.)

Nurse: “So, what kind of local do you want for her?”

Doctor: “We can do this without it.”

Nurse: “Without anesthetic? Are you sure?”

Doctor: “She was a Marine. She can take it.”

(Gee, thanks, Doc!)

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