I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2018

(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

Not Applying Any Military Intelligence

, , , , | Healthy | February 9, 2018

(My military career has me outdoors most of the time, usually in very hot and sunny places. Several years later, I develop a rough patch on my face and am referred to a specialist who listens to my history and diagnoses a precancerous lesion. He recommends that it be removed right away, during this visit, and I agree. He leaves the exam room, and I overhear him giving instructions to the nurse.)

Nurse: “So, what kind of local do you want for her?”

Doctor: “We can do this without it.”

Nurse: “Without anesthetic? Are you sure?”

Doctor: “She was a Marine. She can take it.”

(Gee, thanks, Doc!)

Married To The Wrong Assumption

, , , , , | Friendly | January 19, 2018

(My brother is a high-ranking officer and is a very racially-mixed white man. His wife is a dark-skinned Filipino woman. When they go fancy military parties, other white military wives think my sister-in-law is a waitress, even when she’s wearing a fancy dress. The following interaction happens a lot.)

Woman: *goes up to my sister-in-law* “Excuse me, but what you’re doing is very inappropriate.”

Sister-In-Law: *confused* “What is?”

Woman: “You shouldn’t be flirting with the officers here. It’s unprofessional, and you shouldn’t risk a man’s career by getting pregnant.”

Sister-In-Law: “I am American, and he’s my husband.”

Woman: “I’m going to talk with your manager.”

(Later on the woman and her husband came up to my brother, introducing themselves. The woman stayed quiet after my brother introduced my sister-in-law as his wife.)

Pushing The Punishment

, , , | Working | January 12, 2018

While both of my parents were in the Army for many years, my mother has the more interesting stories. One story was from when she was an active-duty sergeant on base.

Two of her privates come to PE late, “strolling in,” as my mom puts it. As their sergeant, she tells them that as punishment, every time they see her, they have to do push ups.

At first, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but soon enough, they are given PX duties. My mom comes in to shop, and the privates stop and do push ups. She comes to the register to check out, and the privates stop and do push-ups. My mom goes around the store and comes up behind them. They stop and do push-ups.

They beg my mom to stop and promise to not be late to PE again.

Can’t Credit Them With Any Military Intelligence

, , , , , | Friendly | December 30, 2017

(Our home number is really close to a number that Fort Leonard Wood has. About once or twice a month we get a call for them. I am 16 or 17 when I get this call at 7:00 am.)

Me: *mostly asleep* “Hello.”

Caller: “Yes, this is [Military Rank] [Caller]. I’m at the St. Louis airport. When is someone going to pick me up?”

Me: *silence*

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “I’m sorry; you’ve gotten the wrong number.”

Caller: “Isn’t this [phone number]?”

Me: “Yes, but I’m a teenager in [Hometown], Missouri. I have nothing to do with Fort Leonard Wood.”

Caller: “Where the heck is [Hometown]?”

Me: “A small town in the middle of Missouri.”

Caller: “So, you don’t know who is going to pick me up?”

(My parents and I gave many people a geography lesson.)

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