Your Days As A Soldier Are Emergency Numbered

, , , , | Working | October 21, 2017

(I am on a military post, and tonight I am in charge of the barracks, which means checking that everyone is in their quarters by curfew. After knocking on doors, I discover that one soldier is missing. Checking the list of people signed out on leave, his name does not appear. Now, if I cannot make contact with him, I need to report him missing. Pulling up the contact sheet, I dial the number he has listed as his cell phone.)

Me: “Hello, [Soldier]?”

Woman: “No, [Soldier] isn’t here. How can I help you?”

Me: *confused* “Ah, I am trying to call him and learn of his whereabouts. May I ask why you have his cell phone?”

Woman: “This is not his cell phone; this is my phone. You’ve called my house.”

Me: “What?!”

(Checking the list again, I see the soldier has listed the same number for his cell phone and emergency contact, and the number I have just dialed belongs to his mother. I immediately backpedal, not wanting to alarm her.)

Me: “I’m sorry for disturbing you, ma’am, but [Soldier] listed this as his personal number. I need to contact him, as I have to discuss something important with him. If I may ask, do you have his personal number on you?”

Woman: “I don’t give out my son’s number to random people on the phone.”

Me: “Fair enough. Good night, ma’am.” *hangs up*

(Luckily, I found another soldier who had his real cell number. I called him and confirmed that he was on leave and had just forgotten to sign out. When I asked why he gave a false number, he brushed it off as no big deal, saying he didn’t want to be disturbed. I then hung up on him and reported the incident to his Squad Leader.)

Sure Beats A Shot In The Arm

, , , , , | Related | September 19, 2017

(My father lives in an Alzheimer’s care facility. My youngest sister, who is a nurse and his healthcare contact, gets called that he has fallen and the facility has had him transported to the nearest emergency department. When my sister arrives at the hospital, she’s told that although Dad doesn’t seem to be injured, they have taken x-rays, as he is almost completely nonverbal and the staff wants to be sure there are no injuries. Dad is an Army veteran and sustained several combat wounds during WWII. Battlefield surgery being what it was in 1945, he will go to his grave carrying a few bullet and shell fragments that are still lodged in his arms, legs and torso. My sister is sitting with Dad in the exam room when the duty physician walks in, holding the x-rays and looking puzzled.)

Doctor: “Can you tell me… has your father ever been shot?”

Sister: *matter-of-factly*  “Oh, yes. Lots of times.”

Ducks Make Most Things Better

, , , , | Working | September 15, 2017

(It’s 0700 and the base adjutant arrives to relieve me as Officer Of The Day. Fortunately nothing bad happened on my watch, but a string of petty, annoying incidents kept me busy all night. This particular officer is known for her literal-mindedness. I hand the logbook over.)

Adjutant: “Everything quiet?”

Me: “Mostly, ma’am; nothing major, just a lot of penny-ante stuff. You know, nibbled all night by ducks.”

Adjutant: *astonished* “We have ducks?”

Bugging Out Over The Job

| Twentynine Palms, CA, USA | Working | July 30, 2017

(I have lived in the desert for three years, but one day recently I found my first scorpion IN THE HOUSE! The next day my husband goes into the housing office to schedule the bug man to come spray our house. This is their conversation.)

Clerk: “So what are they going to be spraying for?”

Husband: “Everything.”

Clerk: “Everything?”

Husband: “Yes, my wife is horribly scared of bugs and she found her first scorpion yesterday.”

Clerk: *shutters* “Ugh!”

Husband: *holds up two fingers an inch apart* “It’s okay, it was only about this big. It would have felt just like a bee sting.”

Clerk: “Well, I don’t want to be stung by a bee!”

Military Intelligence

, | | Right | July 13, 2017

Throwback ThursdaysTHROWBACK THURSDAY! Check out this awesome story that you may have missed! What’s a crazy technical support experience you’ve had? Let us know in the comments!

Me: “Okay sir, can you hear me?”

Pilot: “Loud and clear. Okay, I have a problem with my radar…it won’t test and nothing is coming up in the O-F-F position.”

Me: “Well, sir, turn it to the O-N position and let me know how things work out.”

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