Talking Loudly Speaks Volumes

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 10, 2018

(I am with my wife, who is disabled and uses a mobility scooter, doing our weekly shopping. A rather well-to-do middle aged woman is blocking the aisle, and talking on her phone.)

Wife: “Excuse me?” *a little louder* “Excuse me?”

(Still, she just stands there.)

Me: *quite loud, but not shouting* “Hey, can we just get passed please?”

(Still, she just stands there on her phone, oblivious to us. All of a sudden, an older gentleman in an army uniform appears behind us.)

Army Man: “May I?”

(We nod and let him past.)

Army Man: *loud enough to wake the dead* “GET OUT THE BLOODY WAY!”

Woman: *startled and nearly drops her phone* “Well, I never! No need to shout!”

Army Man: *no drop in volume* “THIS COUPLE ASKED YOU THREE TIMES TO MOVE, AND YOU WERE MORE CONCERNED WITH YOUR CALL. I DIDN’T SPEND FIFTY YEARS IN THE ARMY DEFENDING THIS COUNTRY FOR YOU TO ACT LIKE A JACKA**! SO, NEXT TIME, SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Woman: “Rude!” *walks away*

Army Man: *normally, to us* “There we go, guys!”


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Might Be Hiding A BB Gun

, , , , , , | Working | August 1, 2018

(I am in the military. I am temporarily assigned to another unit, which requires me to report to another base. As I am the only person from my unit going there, no transportation is provided, and since I don’t have a car, I am traveling by bus, with all my usual equipment. I get off the first bus outside of Jerusalem’s central bus station and head inside to catch the next one I need. This being Jerusalem, the security is tight. The following ensues at the entrance:)

Security Guard: *to me* “Sir, I need to inspect your bag.”

(I show him my military ID, which is usually enough to avoid the hassle. Not this time.)

Security Guard: “Sir, I still need to inspect your bag.”

(I look down at myself, then at my sports bag.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight… I’m in full military uniform, which you can see. I’m carrying an assault rifle on a sling, openly, which you can see. There are a couple of ammo mags hanging on my belt, which you can see. My full combat vest, a helmet, and several more mags are wrapped around the outside of my bag, which you can also clearly see. And with all this in plain view, you are suspicious of what I may have inside my bag?”

(Yes, he still made me open the bag.)

Don’t Want To Be Pistoriused

, , , | Romantic | June 29, 2018

(After weather-related delays and some layovers, very late at night, I have the chance to make it home earlier than predicted, but too late to call. This flight will get me to my doorstep at 2:30 or so in the morning, unexpectedly for my retired military husband with mild PTSD. We’re out in the country, and the dogs bark when they hear the truck. I manage to drop a bag on the porch, and I’m not quiet going into the house, but my husband doesn’t stir. I set down my bags, and take a look in the bedroom. He’s solidly asleep. I consider joining him, then think… PTSD. Loaded 45 handgun on the bedside table. He doesn’t expect me until afternoon. Instead, I bunk down in the guest room. When I hear his alarm go off at 5:30 am, I text him:)

Me: “I’m HOME!”

(He goes to the front door, passing by the guest room on the way. I text:)

Me: “In here.”

Husband: “Why did you sleep in the guest room?”

Me: “I didn’t want you to accidentally shoot me!”

Husband: *considering* “Probably not a bad decision.”

From Jersey Shore To Shore

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2018

Me: “Hello, [overseas US Military Hotel]; how can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Oh, you speak English.”

Me: “Yes, this is an American military hotel you are calling.”

Caller: “Wow, your English is really good!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.”

Caller: “You don’t even have an accent!”

Me: “…”

A Lack Of Military Intelligence, Part 2

, , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

(My parents, my sister, and I are together. I am male.)

Mom: “Do you have military discount?”

Employee: “Yes, but either your husband or son needs to show a military ID.”

(My sister puts her ID on counter. The employee glances at it but doesn’t pick it up.)

Employee: “Military, not school or something else.”

Sister: “It is military.”

Employee: “You’re in the military?”

Sister: “Yes.”

Employee: “But you’re a woman!”

Sister: “Yes.”

Employee: “How are you military?”

Sister: “Because I was accepted.”

(The employee finally picked up the ID and stared at it before accepting it.)

Related:
A Lack Of Military Intelligence

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