Nothing Comes Between Dad And His Wine

, , , , | Friendly | March 12, 2020

(My family has sailed on Lake Superior since I was a baby, and every year my dad and some friends make a long trip to Isle Royale, one of the most remote National Parks in the country. But they’ve had a rough crossing.)

Friend: “Let’s have some of that wine I brought!”

(My dad agrees and digs through the storage in the RV-sized boat, looking increasingly sad.)

Dad: “Sorry, [Friend], no corkscrew.”

(They all groan, but they go watch the sun set. Dad sees a campground with two lone people sitting by their fire on shore. Dad’s face lights up with a sudden idea; he tears off toward the camp and comes crashing through the woods to a very startled couple.)


Man: “The f***, man? You scared us! Anyway, why would we carry an expensive bottle of wine on a backpacking trip? We don’t have a d*** corkscrew!”

Dad: “Sorry! I just had an idea. You must have a Swiss Army knife, right?”

Woman: *skeptical, pulls hers out* “Yeah, but… Oh.” *finds the corkscrew attachment* “I guess we do have one. But it’s you that’s got the screw loose, dude. Crashing through the woods like a yeti…”

Dad: *sheepish* “Well, I came by boat with some friends and we can’t open our wine. Sorry. Can I borrow that?”

Man: *laughing now* “You really had us there! Yes, fine. And don’t apologize! Just invite us, too; we haven’t seen other humans for almost two weeks!”

(My dad’s group and their new friends stayed up so late swapping stories that a ranger came down to the dock and threatened to fine them if they didn’t quiet down!)

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At Least There’s Water In There

, , , , | Learning | February 27, 2020

I’m attending a summer camp for high school students hosted at a university. Since few students stay on campus over the summer, we’re given rooms in an empty dorm. The bathrooms are shared, and each one has toilet and shower stalls in it. One day, I’m taking a shower. No one else is in the bathroom until my friend comes in.

“[My Name]? Is that you?”

“Yeah. I’m almost done.”

“Oh, my God, you’re in so much trouble!”

“What? Why?”

“For skipping the fire drill!”

“What fire drill?”

“Uh, the one that just happened? You know, flashy lights, loud alarm, all that? [Camp Director] is furious you didn’t show up.”

“I didn’t hear anything!”


After I dry off and dress, my friend brings me to the camp director, who is, in fact, furious. She thinks I pretended not to hear the fire alarm so I wouldn’t have to go outside in a towel, but I insist that I really couldn’t hear it. Eventually, I convince her to see for herself. Someone turns the fire alarm back on, and I go back to the bathroom with her and two counselors.

Camp Director:
“If you’re lying, I will be calling your parents immediately to discuss whether you can continue attending camp.”

“I couldn’t hear it, I swear!”

Camp Director:
“We’ll see about that.”

We reach the bathroom, go inside, and close the door. The sound of the alarm all but disappears.

Counselor #1:
“Well, you can still hear it a little…”

[Counselor #2] walks into a shower stall and turns on the water. The alarm becomes completely inaudible, and the camp director’s eyes bug out in anger that is, thankfully, not directed toward me.

Camp Director:
“Excuse me. It seems I need to go yell at someone.”

From what I heard, she did go yell at some administrator from the university over putting her students’ lives — and their own — in danger. The bathroom doors in the dorm were immediately propped open with strict instructions not to close them until the situation was addressed. The next day, the university “addressed the situation” by removing the doors entirely.

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You Can See Color But You’re Still Blind

, , , | Learning | February 8, 2020

(I’m at a summer camp doing an activity where we have to be blindfolded.)

Girl: “This is so weird because, like, I can’t see anything because of the blindfold. This might sound weird but I have this thing where I can, like, see color and…”

Everyone: “Oh, you mean synesthesia?”

Girl: “What?”

Everyone: “Yeah, you know synesthesia, where you can smell or hear color and stuff.”

Girl: “Wait, is that a thing?!”

Everyone: “Yeah, of course! Did you really not know that?!”

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Their Inventory System Is Crap  

, , , , , | Working | January 22, 2020

(We have to evacuate our summer cabin because of a forest fire. When we return, we find that the cabin is fine, but the disused outhouse has burned to cinders. When the insurance adjuster comes to evaluate the damage for our claim, I have to explain to him what happened.)

Me: “The fire burned our jakes! It’s a total loss, I’m afraid.”

Insurance Guy: “What’s a jakes?”

Me: “Our outhouse. Just don’t ask me to inventory the contents.”

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Only Rings She Will Be Making Are Pasta Rings

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2020

(The gym where I work offers summer camps for kids ages three and up with activities geared towards fun rather than improving skills, not to be confused with competitive team camps where the focus is on conditioning and improving skills. The phone rings one day and I answer.)

Me: “[Gym], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I want to sign my daughter up for a week of camp during [dates that include a holiday]. She is a level-four gymnast.”

(I try to save this woman some money as our camps are not what she will want based on experience with other parents.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to help. Just so you know, though, our camps are for ages three and up and focus more on fun, so they do activities like arts and crafts and—”

Caller: “Did I ask? What days do you have camp that week?”

(I instantly put on my overly cheerful customer service voice because if she wants to waste her money, that’s fine. I’m the one working at pickup time and I would love to hear her try to complain when her competitive gymnast gives her macaroni art.)

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am! We have camp on [dates] that week. Should I go ahead and sign you up?”

Caller: “But not [date of holiday]?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. The gym will be closed that day, but she can still come the other days.”

Caller: “Never mind.” *click*

(She remains one of the rudest people I have ever had to deal with at that job. I can’t quite capture her tone through text, but every word that came out of her mouth was with an attitude.)

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