The Ballad Of Gregor Sparklebeard

, , , , | Friendly | May 30, 2020

I’m part of an online roleplaying group like Dungeons & Dragons. We’re starting a new and very small campaign to set a backstory for another campaign, consisting of me, two other players, and the Dungeon Master.

We are pirates, and I become the captain due to a dice roll. We’ve been told to introduce ourselves, and our only dwarf — usually a very prepared player — isn’t prepared.

Dwarf Player: “My name is… uh… Gregor… Erm…”

Me: “Sparklebeard.”

Other Player: “Yes.”

Dwarf Player: “No!”

DM: “I think your captain knows what her first mate’s name is.”

Dwarf Player: “When was it decided that I was the first mate?”

DM: “Just now, Sparklebeard.”

Dwarf Player: “My name isn’t Sparklebeard.”

Me: “It’s your stage name.”

Other Player: “Yup, ‘cause you’re a stripper.”

Me: “Yes. You dump glitter in your beard and strip; that’s how you got the name.”

DM: “Is there a set time where he does this?”

Me: “On the weekend.”

Other Player: “And only when drunk.”

Me: “That’s why he’s foggy on the subject.”

Dwarf Player: *Laughing* “Fine, I’ll take it. I’m a gay stripper on the weekend when drunk.”

DM: “Wait, a gay one?”

Dwarf Player: “If I’m being a pirate stripper, I’m being a fabulous one.”

Me: “We don’t judge on this ship.”

Fast forward later into the campaign. We’re victorious in a pirate battle, and thus, we start drinking. During our drinking, we’re ambushed and we’re struggling in that battle.

Dwarf Player:Wait! Am I drunk right now?!”

DM: “Roll for drunkenness. Low is drunk; high is sober. If you’re drunk, you have to roll with two dice. If you get a one, it’s three.”

The dwarf rolls and gets a four.

Dwarf Player: “Right. I dump glitter in my beard and strip to distract the enemy.” 

He rolls again and gets a seventeen and an eighteen.

DM: “Well. It works. The enemy is completely distracted by you.”

We proceeded to win the fight on the back of this roll. Later on, we also managed to sneak into a fort by using him as a stripper-gram. It was a very successful campaign.

This story was featured in our May 2020 roundup!

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Blame The French For Refusing To Pronounce All Their Letters

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 29, 2020

A friend of mine has invited me along with some other friends to play in a tabletop roleplaying game. The setting is fourteenth-century France. I speak French fluently; my friend has very limited French.

Friend: “Okay, so, the neighbourhood you guys are going to settle in is called Port du Rhin.”

He pronounces it as rhyming with “tin”.

Friend: “I chose this one because I think I can pronounce it.”

Me: “Could you spell that for me?”

Friend: “R-H-I-N.” *Pause* “What?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Friend: “I’m saying it wrong.”

Me: “Um… a little bit.”

Friend: “How should you say it?”

Me: “Rhin.”

For people who don’t speak French, the word consists of two sounds that don’t exist in English. It sounds vaguely like you coughed while saying the word “ran” and didn’t finish closing the “n”.

Friend: *Pauses* “I have chosen poorly. Moving on…”

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Free T-Shirts From Azz-eroth

, , , , | Friendly | May 18, 2020

The online game I play had a meetup recently. It cost $20, all of which was donated to charity and you got swag, one of which was a T-shirt with the game logo on the front and your game login across the back.

In the game forum, one of the players asks:

Player: “Does it have to be the login?”

Me: “Why?”

Player: “Read my login.”

It was posted by “RancidDogFart.”

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Master Chief Versus Ganondorf

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2020

Me: “What can I help you find today?”

Customer: “I am looking for the new Zelda game for my son to play on his Xbox.”

Me: “I am sorry, but that is a Nintendo-exclusive title so they have never made it for the Xbox.”

Customer: “Well, we saw it online. You probably just don’t feel like looking for it.”

Me: “That is not it at all! They really do not make the game for anything but Nintendo systems.”

Customer: “Fine, we will be taking our business elsewhere. I hope that you are happy about losing customers.”

Me: “…”

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When Rogues Go Berserk

, , , | Related | May 8, 2020

I’m playing a particularly difficult rogue-like game; it’s easily the hardest challenge I’ve ever tried to do. Oftentimes, I can’t make it past the first level, but sometimes I get lucky. This is one of those runs, and my brother is in the room with me. I find one of the best weapons in the game.

Me: “Hey! This is looking good.”

Brother: “Are you sure? I never got too much use out of that.”

Me: “Just wait and see. This weapon could carry me straight to the end.”

I immediately follow this line by getting overconfident, rushing into a horde of enemies, and dying.

Brother: *Chuckles* “Wait and see, huh? I guess I’ll have to wait three more days for that weapon to turn up again.”

Me: *Jokingly* “I never said which end. In this case, it was mine.”

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