Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 11, 2019

(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

Appallingly Unaware

, , , , , | Romantic | January 8, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 3, 2019

(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

An Emotional Victory

, , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2018

(I am at a chess tournament. My friend is the defending champion and has made it to the finals. After a hard-fought match, he is checkmated by his opponent.)

Opponent: “CHECKMATE! I beat the champion!”

Friend: “Well-played! Congratulations!”

Opponent: “In your face, loser! In! Your! Face!

Friend: “Um, dude, not cool.”

Opponent: “What’s the matter? Poor baby gonna cry? Waaaa! Waaaa!”

Tournament Official: “No, he’s not, but if you don’t stop, you won’t like the results.”

Opponent: *ignoring the official* “WAAAAA! WAAAAA! Loser, loser, you’re a worthless loser!”

Tournament Official: “[Opponent], for your poor display of sportsmanship, you have been disqualified from the tournament!”

Opponent: “WHAT?! That’s not fair! I’m the champion!”

Friend: “If you really were a champion, you’d know that a true champion doesn’t humiliate their opponent.”


(The official called over security, and the rowdy player was escorted out of the building. As they were dragging him out, he was screaming and threatening to sue. He was banned from the tournament for life. Incredibly, the moron made good on his threat of a lawsuit, but unsurprisingly, given the large number of witnesses who testified against him, he lost and is now banned from every chess tournament in the state, as a result. As for my friend, who remained calm throughout the whole ordeal, he was declared this year’s champion by default. However, he refused the title, saying that it would be better to not have a champion this year than to have one that didn’t earn it.)

Been Taking Too Many Mushrooms From The Mushroom Kingdom

, , , , | Right | December 18, 2018

(I work in a retro gaming store. We sell both modern consoles and retro consoles. I am working in the retro department when a middle-aged female customer comes up to the desk. We don’t complete purchases, just advise and assist customers.)

Customer: “I am looking for a Zelda or Mario game for the PlayStation 2.”

Me: “Ma’am, those characters are property of Nintendo; the PlayStation 2 is made by Sony a competitor.”

Customer: “Yes, but I used to play Zelda and Mario as a child. You wouldn’t know anything about old consoles; you are too young.”

(I am a 20-plus-year-old guy who, thanks to a short height and a clean shave, looks like I’m 16. I grew up with the NES and SNES and other consoles due to my mother playing them, and they still work.)

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you I still own almost every console that is for sale here and play them regularly. Now, would you like me to look for games that are Mario or Zelda-like for the PlayStation?”

Customer: *huffs* “Well, if you don’t have them as you ‘acclaim’ I’ll have to look for them myself.”

(She walks to the Xbox Classic section of the store.)

Me: “[Coworker], could… could you explain to her that the PlayStation 2 games are here… I’m gonna take my five now.”

Page 1/1712345...Last