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I Wanna Be The Very Best, Like [Employee #1] Never Was

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: DugFinn | September 27, 2021

My brother and I have been crazy into Pokémon since it came out. We basically grew up with it. When I was fifteen and he was thirteen, [Toy Store Chain] used to host official sponsored Pokémon League events each Saturday morning from 9:00 am to noon, and we always went. My brother and I even started showing up early to help the organizer — a designated [Toy Store] employee — in setting up. It was easy: go into the back employee-only room, grab tables, chairs, pens, promo cards to pass out, badges to award, and new badge books for the newcomers.

[Employee #1] didn’t know s*** about Pokémon, but my brother and I were super used to the League from when we attended at card shops, so we let him know what was what when he didn’t know what to do. He quickly just pushed more and more of the tasks onto me, and I was happy to take on the duties. Pretty soon, my brother and I were kind of running the event, and [Employee #1] would disappear for most of the three hours. No one seemed to notice or care though, since I was doing a great job and all the kids were having a great time. Also, I was d*** near unbeatable, and in the world of card games, that makes you the boss. That’s just how it works.

At one point, my brother and I noticed that [Employee #1] hadn’t shown up in about three weeks —not that we really cared. We just went into the back room by ourselves, carried the tables and chairs out, passed out the promo cards to each attendee, stamped their badge books, presided over matches, gave awards, etc. Then, at noon, we cleaned up, took the tables and chairs back, neatly stacked everything, and hung around until our mom came to pick us up.

So, on the third week after noticing that [Employee #1] hadn’t shown up, another employee found my brother and me as we were putting stuff away.

Employee #2: “Are you the ones that have been running the Pokémon thing for the last few weeks?”

Brother & Me: “Yes.”

The employee got an, “Oh, s***,” look on his face, like he wasn’t sure what to do now. He stood there thinking for a bit.

Employee #2: “How old are you?”

Me: “Fifteen.”

Employee #2: “Okay, don’t go anywhere.”

He left and came back and got basic information from me, like my name, address, etc. Bless my naive little heart, I answered everything. Then, we left.

The next Saturday was business as usual. The following Saturday, [Employee #2] showed up after we got done putting away all the stuff and handed me an envelope. Inside was a paycheck for like $130. It was back-pay for all the hours I had “worked.” It turned out that [Employee #2] was the manager and he’d been getting so many compliments from the parents about their “employee that ran the Pokémon League” that he’d been trying to find that employee for weeks, but all his employees kept saying, “It’s not me.”

Apparently, it was a complete mystery to everyone how the tables and chairs were being put out and being put back and who was actually running the event. Remember, my brother and I were just another pair of kids in a crowd of over twenty-five people aged six to thirty. As far as the [Toy Store] staff was concerned, it was a ghost running the events.

And that’s how I accidentally got my first job. I never found out what happened to [Employee #1], but I never saw him again. To this day — I’m thirty-eight now — I still have it in my resume that my first job was as a Pokémon Master. The strange thing is that not a SINGLE employer has ever questioned it.

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Being A Racist Isn’t Recommended In The Game World As Well As This One

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2021

I work for a popular online game, and I get the next ticket in the queue. To my frustration, the player’s complaint is simply, “[Other Player] is being a [racial slur] to me.”

I pull up the account history, and this is not the first such complaint, and indeed my player has had several warnings against saying such a thing in-game. He also has had the misfortune of my getting this ticket, since my girlfriend is of said race. I check with my supervisor, and they say that a private petition to us is not grounds for further account penalty.

Me: “Hello, [Player], this is [My Name]. I understand you’re having an issue with another player?”

Player: “Yeah, he’s being a [racial slur] to me.”

Me: “I’ll thank you for not using that word again during this conversation.”

At this point, I pull up his chat logs. While his petition isn’t itself grounds for penalty, if I see that the player is continuing to harass this other player in-game, or if he and his friends are deliberately wasting my time, he opens himself up to further penalty. Nothing yet.

Player: “Oh, where I’m from, that just means an ignorant person.”

Me: “Unless you’ve just moved to Los Angeles from sixteenth-century Spain, no, it doesn’t.”

Chat logs show he’s talking to his friends, saying he’s just ticked me off and is now worried their joke’s gone way too far.

Me: “You’re right. It was not funny in the first place, as we told you on [previous dates].”

Player: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I was confirming your suspicions you’d just mentioned to your friends. Whatever joke you think you’re telling, I recommend you stop and never continue.”

Chat logs show the player and his friends actively panicking. They’re wondering if I’m going to search their chat history further.

Me: “Not at this time, but if anyone reports you or your friends for this, I’ve marked each of your accounts with links to this conversation.”

Player: “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Me: “Thank you.”

I didn’t get to wield the banhammer as I’d hoped, but it felt good.

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Get With The Program, Friendo!

, , , , , | Friendly | August 12, 2021

A friend of mine came up with this really cool business idea which he wants to share with me, so he comes over to tell me about it. I must confess, I am a bit reserved as I recently had an acquaintance pitch a pyramid scheme to me. 

Friend: “I have invented this game. It is really fun and everyone I’ve played it with has loved it, so I thought we could make it into an app! You’re a programmer, so you could program it, and I’ll take care of the marketing.”

He describes the game. It is something I’ve seen a lot of before, just with a few tweaks.

Me: “Well, I have a job, so it would take quite some time to design an app from scratch.”

Friend: “Well, I have the whole idea, so I’ve done most of the work already. You’d only need to program it.”

I realised he does not know anything about the time it can take to program something in order to make it user-friendly and efficient. But I want to try and not just shoot him down immediately as he’s a friend of mine.

Me: “What about graphics? Are you going to make it?”

Friend: “We’ll hire someone to make the pictures, and then you put them into the program.”

Me: “And you know about marketing?”

Friend: “Yeah, I know this guy who told me about it. He made his own company. Basically, you work extra for a year and then you start making money.”

Me: “And what do you expect we would earn from it?”

Friend: “Well, at first we wouldn’t earn much, but then we’d take some percentage each. I’ll take most, of course, since it is my idea. You could get like fifteen percent.”

Me: “So, you’ll pay the expenses, then? Do I get a salary?”

Friend: “We shouldn’t expect to get any income for a while, and I think it is fair to share the expenses since I don’t have any money.”

Me: “So I won’t get paid, I’ll do most of the work, and then get a lot less of the earnings?”

Friend: “No, I’ve already done most of the work; I have the idea.”

Me: “All right, do you want food? I was thinking of spaghetti bolognese with some basil on top.”

Friend: “Yeah, that’d be nice!”

Me: “Good, can you make it? I need a few extra portions for lunch boxes.”

Friend: “Really? We’re in your house. Shouldn’t you be making the food?”

Me: “You could help out; I already did most of the work, coming up with the idea! I’ll let you have a portion.”

Unfortunately, my friend did not take it very well. We’re fine now, though.

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Best. Tech Support Call. Ever.

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Boobel | August 4, 2021

I work for an online gambling firm. Rather than having loads of varying departments, we try to resolve as much as possible with one agent to create a better customer experience to save transferring customers.

On my first day, I am listening in on someone taking the calls. A technical call comes in.

An elderly lady is calling up because her screen is flashing lots of different colours and is making a lot of noise, so she had to turn the sound off. The agent asks what she has been doing, and she starts navigating around the account details as the lady is detailing what she sees on her screen. She describes what sounds like a broken monitor, but it’s only just happened.

It sounds like the lady puts the phone down on a surface for a moment as we can hear her, muffled, in the background. This is when the agent I’m listening in on starts to go white. She taps my hand, and on the screen, she has highlighted the balance of the customer’s account.

It’s £297,000.

Immediately, the agent throws her hand in the air to alert everyone of a big win. People start crowding around the desk. I feel SO pumped.

The lady comes back onto the phone.

Lady: “Sorry, I went to get my glasses.”

Agent: *Very calmly* “I think I have found the problem, but I need you to turn your sound on.”

The sound is duly turned on, the agent hits the speakerphone button on her terminal, and we all hear the sound of party poppers and general celebration sounds. The flashing screen and the sounds were the notification that she had won a progressive jackpot. The agent asks her to sit down.

Agent: *Still calm* “You’ve won £297,000. I have never been so happy to confirm that there is no technical issue.”

The lady is quiet for several seconds before shouting:

Lady: “’Albert, quickly come here! ALBERT, ALBEEEERT!”

A senior agent took the call and arranged to get the funds sent out.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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As A Mustang Fan, I’m Confused By This Choice

, , , , | Legal | July 26, 2021

I work in an escape room. A grandfather and granddaughter come in and do two rooms. About seven minutes into the room:

Grandfather: “Hey, I can’t see; I don’t have my glasses on me. Can you get them from the car?”

Granddaughter: “Sure.”

She goes downstairs to get the glasses and can’t find them, so she drives home to get them. It’s been some time and the grandfather comes up to me.

Grandfather: “Do you know where my granddaughter went?”

I tell him that she drove home to get the glasses, and he starts panicking because he gave her the keys to the car and has no way of getting home.

Me: “She took off in a Mitsubishi.”

Grandfather: “I don’t drive a Mitsubishi; I drive a Mustang.”

We went downstairs and saw the Mustang parked in the street. This girl STOLE A CAR FROM A BUSINESS BELOW WHERE I WORK. She came back, and the owner of the car came outside, freaking out. She took the car because the man’s keys were in the car. This girl is apparently bipolar and must’ve been manic and just went for a joyride in the car to get her grandfather’s glasses. The cops came and talked to everyone except me, and the man didn’t press charges because nothing was missing nor was the car damaged.

The granddaughter and grandfather drove away and I was left here dying from laughter because this was the best thing that I’d ever seen working at an escape room!

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