Whether You Choose East or West It’s All Going South

, , , | Friendly | August 16, 2017

(I have never played Dungeons & Dragons before, but my friend decides to start a new campaign and I ask to join because I want to get into it. All of our discussion takes place over online chat because there are seven of us scattered across North America, plus our DM who lives in Norway. I’ve never met any of these people or heard their voices before I joined the campaign group. These are the highlights of our first session.)


Friend #1: “What’s everyone up to?”

Me: “I’m eating spaghetti and I got marinara sauce on my t*tties.”

Friend #2: “How…?”

Me: “I’m eating shirtless so I don’t get marinara on my shirt, OBVIOUSLY.”


Friend #1: “[Friend #6] said she’ll be at work late so we can start without her.”

DM: “Oh, god. That means I have to get started. I’m not prepared.”


DM: “The tax collectors came from the east.”

Friend #2: “So if we want to follow them, we head west.”

Friend #3: “Wait… what?”

Me: “The opposite of east is west.”

Me and Friend #2: *at once* “Never Eat Soggy Waffles.”

Friend #4: *who is in Canada* “…what do they teach you people in America?”


Me: “Be right back, my roommate has company over so I have to put a shirt on.”

Friend #1: “Marinara t*ts.”


Friend #2: “Can I roll a perception check and try to peek in the window and see if I find anything suspicious?”

DM: “Sure.” *rolls dice* “You got a 10. You can look, but there are people around who might find it suspicious.”

Me: “[Friend #3] and I distract the villagers with our awesome dance moves!”

DM: “Okay…” *rolls* “You got 12. Your performance draws a few strange looks and is distracting enough that no one notices [Friend #2].”

Me: “Sweet! Do we get any tips for our sick moves?”

DM: “No.”

Me: “Aww.”


DM: “Your party sets up camp by the road. It starts to get dark.”

Friend #2: “Should we build a campfire?”

DM: “You could, but keep in mind you’re a band of wanted criminals and the smoke could draw the authorities.”

Me: “Guys, I’m a fire genasi. My hair is literally smokeless fire.”

Friend #3: “So it’s settled. We’ll just huddle around [My Name] all night.”


DM: “A pair of guards comes up the road. You need to hide quickly.”

(The rest of our party hides somewhat successfully, but I roll a one on stealth so my character decides to hide behind Friend #2 and stand very still. Note that Friend #2’s character is a lawful good monk.)

DM: “The guard asks what you’re doing.”

Friend #2: “What, me? I’m not doing anything.”

DM: “So what’s wrong with your friend there?”

Friend #2: “I was, uh… traveling to the monastery when I found this ungodly heathen–”

Me: “It’s true; I’m very ungodly.”

Friend #2: “I was bringing her with me so I could show her the light of the gods.”

DM: “I see. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that farm that burned down yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, because I’m a fire elemental, I’m automatically the subject of an arson case? This is racial profiling!”

DM: “The guard gets off his horse and attempts to arrest you.”


(I roll a one, AGAIN, so when my character tries to attack the guard she ends up hitting herself with her own morning star. Thankfully, the rest of the party gets some fairly good rolls and we manage to kill the guard.)

Friend #2: “WE JUST KILLED A MAN!”

Friend #3: “It was in self-defense.”

Friend #2: “I’m lawful good! I’m a monk! It’s our first session and we just KILLED someone!”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Can I take his eyes as trophies?”

DM: “Sure.”

Friend #4: “If [My Name] gets to take his eyeballs then I’m taking his teeth!”

DM: “Okay.”

Friend #1: “Well, as long as we’re taking body parts… who’s going for his d**k?”

(We all ended up fighting for it, but Friend #2 was victorious.)

Not In Receipt Of Understanding

, , , , , | Right | August 11, 2017

(I am returning an item at customer service, and this exchange happens in front of me. A father is trying to return a video game and his two young boys are with him.)

Customer: “I’d just like to return this game.”

Cashier: “Okay.” *scans the game and receipt* “That comes to 39.99.”

Customer: “Actually, I think it should be 59.99. That’s what I paid for it.”

Cashier: “Well, your receipt says 39.99. And the system brought it up as 39.99.”

Customer: “I understand that, but I’m telling you I paid 59.99 for it because it was the most popular game at the time.”

Cashier: “But I can only give you what the system and the receipt tell me to give you.”

Customer: “I understand that. But, I paid 59.99 for that game. I can even take you to the back and show you it’s on sale for 59.99.”

Cashier: “While that may be, the receipt shows that you paid 39.99 for it when you bought it.”

Customer: “I know what the receipt shows, but that’s not what I paid for it. I paid 59.99 for it, because it was the most popular game at the time.”

(The cashier calls a manager. When she arrives, the cashier explains the situation.)

Manager: “Sir, we can only refund you the amount that you paid, which is shown on the receipt.”

Customer: “I understand that, but I bought two games that day, one was 39.99 and one was 59.99. Now I know this one I’m trying to return was 59.99.”

Manager: “That’s not what it comes up as.”

Customer: “Look, I can show you in the back. It’s on sale for 59.99. I’m not trying to give you a hard time here, but I can’t afford to be out $20.”

(I think, then why did you spend $100 on 2 video games in the first place, when there is a used game store right next door?)

Manager: “Sir, I can only give you the price that the receipt shows you paid, which is 39.99.”

Customer: “I understand that, but I know, 100 percent, that I paid 59.99 for it. Look, I’m not trying to scam you for money; I just want to return the game. I can show you in the back that it’s on sale for 59.99.”

(The manager gives up and reluctantly follows the customer to the back. I step up next.)

Me: “Clearly, he DOESN’T understand what you were saying.”

Cashier: *laughs*

It’s All Just A Game To Them

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2017

(I work at a popular electronics retailer. We offer extended warranties that cover manufacturer defects and basic accidents. I am the only cashier on a busy Saturday and there is a constant steady line. An elderly woman comes up with printer ink and her own tablet.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “I am well. I’m paying for this, but I have a question for you.”

Me: “Certainly.”

(I try to ring out her item to keep the transaction moving, but she sets it out of my reach.)

Customer: “Okay, so I bought this tablet and I got the warranty, and they told me you guys will help me with any problem under the warranty.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, can you help me with this?”

(She sets the tablet on the counter and a game I don’t recognize is open.)

Customer: “Can you tell me how to get past this level? I asked your tablet people and they were too busy and didn’t know. You guys said you’d help me with ANY problem.”

Mining That Game For All Its Worth

, , , , | General | August 9, 2017

(I am currently working in the children’s section of a large clothing store. A woman and her young son come up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me; where are your Minecraft belts?”

(We sell a lot of Minecraft clothes for kids, but most of them are shirts and jackets. I’ve never seen a Minecraft-themed belt in any other store, let alone ours.)

Me: “Pardon me — a Minecraft BELT, you said?”

Customer: “Yes. We saw them in here just a few days ago!”

(I’m sceptical of this claim, but I decide to try to do my best with her.)

Me: “I don’t believe I’ve seen any belts like that down here recently; if we had any, they’d be over in our boy’s belt section. I can take you over there to check, if you’d like.”

Customer: “Yes. I KNOW we saw them!”

(I lead the woman over to where we keep the belts for boys. Immediately I can see that we have nothing Minecraft-themed over here.)

Customer: “Ah, see! THERE they are.”

(She immediately grabs an ordinary belt that has a camouflage pattern on it, which just so happens to use square patterns; what’s known as a “digital camouflage.”)

Customer: “See? I knew you had them!”

(I was speechless… Apparently, anything square-shaped or pixelated is “Minecraft” these days!)

Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Rekindle Friendship

, , , | Friendly | August 7, 2017

(I’m chatting with my best mate and his girlfriend. His girlfriend notes that she hasn’t seen me for a while and we’re working out what happened over the past few months to stop us from meeting up. Note that my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks previously.)

Me: “I think we were gonna do the couples board games night, but…”

Mate: “I was busy for, like, the whole month. I thought you’d think we were trying to avoid you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. And then I got busy.”

Mate: “And we went on holiday.”

Me: “And then [Ex-Girlfriend] and I started having problems and I thought, probably best not to throw the board games night into the mix in case it got awkward.”

Mate: “What? You mean you didn’t think, ‘I know what will fix my dying relationship – a nice game of Monopoly’? I mean, nobody’s ever argued over that.”

Me: “Yeah, shocking, that. What was I thinking…”

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