I answer customer feedback emails. Here is one of my silliest:
“To Whom It May Concern,
My phone has [Game App] installed on it. As I am sure you are aware, your company has chosen to advertise with [Game App Company]. Your ad decided to impact my loading time, causing me to lose my game. I guarantee you, I will never purchase a single one of your products. Ever. Either choose lighter ads or better companies to advertise with.
Thank you for your time,
[Fake Name]”
(My husband and I are out at a local bar we frequent, and I’m talking video games with the bartender, with whom I get along well. A popular video game series I love has just released a new installment. Another patron is clearly listening in but hasn’t tried to join the conversation.)
Bartender: “So, did you get [Game]? I know you were looking forward to it.”
Me: “I did! I tried it first from one of those rental kiosks, and I liked it enough that I turned around and bought it right after.”
Bartender: “Ah, cool. I saw it come out, and the reviews were kind of iffy, and I was worried, like, ‘Oh, no, that’s [My Name]’s game.’”
Me: “Yeah, I mean, I can see where a lot of the criticisms come from, and honestly, they’re probably valid, but I still really like it despite them.”
(We chat a bit more while the other guy at the bar looks more and more agitated until…)
Guy: “Look. All I’m going to say is that you’re wrong, and [Game] is objectively bad.”
Me: “Oh, uh, well, to each their own.”
(He sounds really heated, like he wants to argue, and I’m not interested in engaging with someone who’s automatically hostile, so I turn back to my husband and friend, but…)
Guy: “No, that’s a cop-out.”
Other Random Guy: “Dude, she likes it; you don’t. She ain’t trying to argue. It’s all good.”
Guy: “No, that’s a cop-out!”
(My husband and the bartender are starting to look visibly annoyed. I just want a quiet evening, so I try to defuse the situation.)
Me: *smiling* “Well, luckily, nobody is going to come to your house, tie you to a chair, and force you to play it.”
Guy: *angrily* “Get over yourself!”
Husband: “Hey, man, lower your voice. Relax.”
Guy: “You relax!” *jabbing a finger at me* “That’s a cop-out, and you’re letting her get away with it!”
Bartender: *calmly, smiling* “I’m going to comp your drink there, buddy. You’re closed out.”
Guy: “I don’t want–”
Bartender: *still smiling calmly* “You’re closed out. You can go. You should go.”
(My friend is a pretty big guy, and this dude finally seemed to realize he wasn’t wanted and stormed out. I still can’t believe how angry he was over nothing, and he didn’t seem drunk or high. From then on, “It’s a cop-out” became a running gag there, and I got used to the bartender sighing ruefully and saying, “That’s SUCH a cop-out… I don’t know why I keep letting you get away with it,” from time to time when I ordered something.)
(While managers usually schedule our breaks, there’s some flexibility. My coworker comes on the radio to ask about it.)
Coworker: “Hey, [Manager], when’s my break?”
Manager: “It’s at [time].”
Coworker: “Can I take it earlier?”
Manager: “Uh, I guess so. What’s up?”
Coworker: “There’s an event going on in Pokémon Go…”
Manager: *sighs* “All right, go take your break…”
Related:
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 41
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 40
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 39
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 38
(At the toy store where I work, we have a giant Jenga game — about three feet tall — set up for customers to play with. This is an outdoor game, designed to be played on grass. We have it set up on a hard plastic table over a tile floor in an area with excellent acoustics; when it collapses, the noise is cataclysmic. We also have a door chime which is high-pitched and kind of annoying. One day, I’m checking out a customer when the door chime goes off several times in rapid succession.)
Customer: “Gah, that noise is so annoying!”
Me: *sigh* “Tell me about it.”
Customer: “Yeah, I guess it must be worse for you, right? Does it follow you home? Like, does that noise haunt you at night?”
(As if on cue, the Jenga tower collapses with a migraine-inducing cacophony. The customer ducks as if he’s being shot at and then looks up at me with wide, frightened eyes.)
Me: “No, that’s the noise that follows me home at night.”
(He gave a shaky laugh and left, giving the display table a wide berth. We had to put up with the noise for another month before management agreed to display something quieter.)
(I’ve recently started a casual, semi-survival server for my friends and me on a popular block-based game. On this day, I’m alone on the server collecting supplies underground, a fairly decent ways away from our base, when one of my friends logs on. All of this takes place through the in-game chat function.)
Friend: “Hey! Don’t be alarmed, but I am going to do some house construction.”
Me: “That’s fine. What are you gonna do?”
Friend: “I’m going to replace walls and stuff to be more open and modern, and expand some things to make a living room and kitchen. :-)”
Me: “Ooh, I can’t wait to see it.”
(There’s radio silence in the chat for about 20 minutes when…)
Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”
(About five minutes later…)
Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”
(Five minutes later…)
Chat: “[Friend] burned to death.”
Me: “What on earth are you doing?!”
Friend: “You’ll see! :-)”
(She was digging out the area under our base and creating a natural-looking lava pool that was to then be covered in glass. She’s so lucky I decided to turn “keep inventory” on.)
