Customer: “What’s Final Destination: Bloodlines?”

Me: “It’s a horror movie. It’s the sixth in the series, but you don’t have to have seen any of the others to understand what’s going on.”

Customer: “Wait, so they have a film series called Final Destination, and this is the sixth one? Doesn’t sound very final.”

The customer laughs like he just made the best joke ever. I don’t know what to say, but the customer’s friend comes to the rescue.

Customer’s Friend: “Aren’t you currently playing a game called Final Fantasy 16?!”

The customer stopped smiling and got tickets to the eighth ‘Mission: Impossible’ movie.

I’m getting a few things at the local convenience store. The guy at the register is in his early twenties and is wearing a cute Pokémon t-shirt.

One of the regular grumpy customers walks up to him. I’ve never seen this guy happy in all the years I’ve lived in this neighborhood.

Customer: “Aren’t you a little old to be wearing that shirt?”

Register Guy: “It fits, and I like it.”

Customer: “Don’t you think it’s time you started to act your age?”

Register Guy: “I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.”

The customer just blinks and pays in silence. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen his ranting cut short.

I’m working at my hardware store in the mid-2000s. A customer comes running up to me, looking frantic.

Customer: “Help! I can’t find my son!”

We have a protocol for this (code yellow) where everyone drops what they’re doing and joins the search.

 After five minutes and every department radioing in, we still haven’t found the boy.

Customer: “Oh no! He’s been kidnapped, hasn’t he!”

Manager: “Ma’am, can I confirm, he’s five years old?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Manager: “Forgive me for asking, but does he like Pokémon?”

Customer: “Well, of course! What little boy doesn’t these days?”

Manager: “Everyone here will keep looking, but can you follow me real quick? I have a hunch.”

Confused but complying, the mother follows the manager outside and points to the giant Toys R Us next door. They have a huge Pokémon display near the entrance. Admiring it is a little boy.”

Customer: “Oh my god! That’s him!”

She sprints the forty or so feet to the store’s entrance, grabs her boy, and starts the usual dance between relief and scolding that parents experience in such moments.

Manager: *To me.* “That god d*** display. That’s the second time that’s happened this week.”

We assigned a door greeter to the store for the remainder of the time that huge display was up next door. They were officially door greeters, but in reality, they were there to stop any children from leaving the store by themselves.

Back when Pokémon Go was really in swing, I made friends with another player whose job brought him to the mall most days. One day, he comes into my store, and I excitedly challenge him to a Pokémon battle.

My coworker knows nothing about Pokémon OR my mall friend. So, what SHE sees is me leaping to my feet and yelling at a uniformed police officer:

Me: “FIGHT ME!”

Related:
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 45
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 44
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 43
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 42
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 41

Our math teacher is ill, so we have an assistant covering. He hands out a worksheet pre-prepared by the teacher:

Assistant: “Wait, this can’t be right.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Assistant: “This worksheet. It’s all video games.”

Me: “That sounds about right for [Teacher].”

He hands out the worksheet, containing the following words from the teacher:

Teacher’s Note: “You’ll be calculating the optimal way to defeat this monster, using the real spell data provided. Show all work.”

I glance down.

Monster: Hellspawn Brute
Max HP: 10,000
Armor: 150
Resistance: Flat Damage −20%
Resistance: Shadow Damage −40%
Special: Regenerates 2% HP if not killed within 5 turns

My Spells:
Soul Rend: Deals 50% of CURRENT HP, Shadow damage
Arc Burst: Deals 1,200 Flat Damage, Physical, reduced by armor and resistances

I start writing.

Me: *Thinking.* “Okay. Soul Rend takes 50% of whatever’s left… but doesn’t kill. Armor and resistances will reduce Arc Burst from 1,200 to about 840. So: Soul Rend once, then Arc Burst three times.”

After class, the assistant calls me over.

Assistant: “Your answer is incorrect. The fastest solution is to cast Soul Rend twice. Fifty percent and fifty percent. Two moves.”

Me: “Uh… no. It doesn’t kill.”

Assistant: “It halves the health both times. So 100%.”

Me: “…That’s not how percentages work.”

He stares at me.

Me: “If the Brute has 10,000 HP, Soul Rend takes it to 5,000. Then the second cast takes 50% of that. So, 2,500 left. Then 1,250. Then 625. It never hits zero.”

Assistant: “But the worksheet says 50% both times.”

I turn the sheet around and point.

Me: “It says current HP. It scales down. Also, Soul Rend does Shadow damage, which this monster resists by 40%, so it’s actually even less effective. And Arc Burst is Physical, so the armor reduces it. So mathematically, you must mix the spells. Did [Teacher] leave you an answer sheet, or…”

Assistant: “…whatever happened to simple math? This is why I like teaching P.E.! Just gather up your worksheets. I’ll give them to [Teacher] tomorrow!”

The next morning, we all got an email from the assistant on the school’s internal messaging system.

Assistant: “Thanks to several higher-level gamers in [class], and talking to [Math Teacher], I now understand that a 50% spell does not kill a monster outright. I also did not expect the answer to ‘When will I ever use this?’ in a math class to be ‘When playing video games!'”

It was awfully nice of the assistant to admit he was wrong, and even nicer to talk to [Math Teacher] to get an explanation from the source.

I love video games, but I do worry that in the final exam we’ll have to take down an endgame boss…