She Is Your True Call Of Duty

, , , , | Romantic | October 21, 2018

(My fiancé, while loving and caring, is not big on verbal declarations of love and affection. He is playing an FPS game and just lost a timed mission with a margin of two seconds.)

Fiancé: “I hate my life!”

Me: “But I’m in your life!”

Fiancé: “I hate my life a little bit less now!”

His Brain Is Offline

, , , , , | Right | October 19, 2018

(I work in a video game store that also rents consoles by the hour. However, for some reason, since I opened, there has been no Internet connection. As such, our Xbox One is completely unplayable and some games in our Xbox 360 consoles that require an account to log in are also inaccessible until it’s solved with the company. A regular customer comes to the front desk.)

Customer: “Hey, can I get one hour of Black Ops 3?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we have no Internet and the games on the One aren’t playable.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… then give me an hour of GTA V in the 360.”

Me: “Sure thing.” *I start to get the controller*

Customer: “Can you put it online, please?”

Me: “Um… we don’t have any Internet. Sorry.”

Customer: “Oh, right. Then just get me Gears of War instead.”

(I do as he says and then go to attend some customers at the register. Soon I notice he’s flagging me down.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “The game isn’t letting me log into Xbox Live.”

Me: “…”

(Luckily, this time he really understood the concept of not having Internet.)

Boss Baby

, , , , , | Related | October 18, 2018

(Being a gamer with a one-year-old is tough, since he wants to touch everything, and it’s really important to play with him. It helps that he’s absolutely hilarious and a joy to play with. I don’t get to play nearly as much as I want to, though. My wife and I have a running joke when I beat something which has been difficult; we say he gave me “Baby Power” to get through it. I’ll often tell him, “Okay! I need the Baby Power! Give it to Daddy!” On this particular day, I’m playing a new game on my Switch, and he has decided he wants to sit on my lap while I play. I’m having a rather difficult time beating a boss.)

Me: *looking down at him as he’s drinking his bottle* “We’re going to need all the Baby Power on this one!”

(My son looks back at the screen and points at it. I’m getting closer and closer to beating it, and he throws down his bottle. He SCREAMS, raising his arms, and SCREAMS again, clapping.)

Me: “YEAH! YEAH! BABY POWER! COME ON, BABY!”

(He screams even louder and blows spit bubbles. I beat the boss, slap the controller to the side, pick up my son, and start dancing with him.)

Me: “YEAAAH, BABY POWER! YAY!”

(My son is laughing and shouting. I keep dancing with him and then yelling at the screen. When we stop, he picks up his bottle, climbs back on my lap, and looks back up at me while drinking.)

Me: “Now… let’s do that seven more times!”

(He looked back at the screen, back at me, and back at the screen, and let out the biggest sigh I had ever heard. I laughed so hard I had to save the game, turn it off, and rough house with him, instead.)

No Foreigners Are Allowed In Fictional Fantasy Worlds!

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 3, 2018

I’m playing a phone game where you can create a “guild.” Aside from the group chat, there really isn’t much interaction. You each set up a team of your own warriors to fight the boss, and you “collaborate” by each being able to attack the boss twice over 24 hours. The boss doesn’t heal, but it also doesn’t give out a reward until it is dead. Everyone who fights gets a reward, but whoever does the most damage to the boss gets the highest one.

In most of these guilds, the members don’t even speak the same language. The game doesn’t have servers by country. The guilds show up and dissolve without much reason. People get kicked from them if they’re inactive, if they’re doing too much damage and the leader’s jealous, or if the guild is full and the leader’s friends want a slot. It’s not a very social or coherent thing.

I’ve joined the latest guild, and I actually speak the leader’s language — English! As per usual, the group chat is empty except a reminder to fight the boss and upgrade your team. We get some Spanish-only speakers, who I can understand but the leader can’t.

About a week later, the leader quits and gives the guild to one of the Spanish speakers. The new guild description says this:

“I quit because there are too many foreigners here!”

The Spanish speaker leaves that up, and says (translated):

“Hi, everyone! I was appointed guild leader. Let’s all have fun!”

I’m still not sure if I should tell them.

Ninten-dad Entertainment System

, , , , , , | Related | October 2, 2018

(This is when the Nintendo Entertainment System first comes out. My parents not only feel I am responsible enough with school that I deserve a TV in my room, but they also get me a NES that comes with “Super Mario Brothers” and “Duck Hunt.” I play only when my homework is done and turn it off at nine pm on school nights because I don’t want it taken away. Dad comes in and starts playing and sometimes will be in my room at midnight or later, cursing as he gets killed by a Koopa yet again. Without fail, every school night, it is the same thing:)

Me: *trying to sleep* “Daddy! Go to bed! I have school tomorrow!”

Dad: *cursing up a blue streak as he “dies” yet again* “In a minute!”

(Finally, I complain to Mom, telling her how I’m not getting any sleep because of Dad always playing video games. Mom calls Dad and me for a family meeting.)

Mom: “From now on, no video games after ten pm on school nights!” *after a couple seconds* “And that goes for you, too, [My Name].”

(And that’s the story of how my dad was the first one in our family to be put on video game restriction.)

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