Someone’s Been Drinking The Kool Aid

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2018

(A guy walks into our outlet store carrying a bottle of wine.)

Customer: “I want to return this bottle.”

(He takes it out of the brown bag and I see it has already been opened and some wine has been removed.)

Me: “That’s fine. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

Me: “Can I ask why you are returning it?”

Customer: “I didn’t realize it had alcohol in it.”

Grape Gripes

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2018

(I am a cashier in a liquor store.)

Me: “Hello, Welcome to [Liquor Store]. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Y’all have any grape wine?”

Me: *pause* “We sure do. Almost all wine is made from grapes. Do you know what type of wine?”

Customer: “Grape wine.”

Me: “Okay. Is it red or white?”

Customer: “Look. I’m not here to play twenty questions. I want that grape-flavored wine.”

Me: “Wine is made from fermented grapes. It’s technically all ‘grape’-flavored. Do you remember a brand name?”

Customer: “It’s the grape-flavored wine. Why is this so hard for you?!”

Me: *thinking furiously* “Grape-flavored like grape-flavored candy?”

Customer: *pause* “Yes.”

Me: *shows her to the Manischewitz Concord Grape Wine*

Customer: “Yes! This is what the Jews drink!”

Giving Them Something To Wine About

, , , , , | Working | August 20, 2018

(A day after attending a dinner party, I go into the liquor store to buy some wine that was served at the party. I did not actually drink the wine.)

Clerk: “Hi! Can I help you find anything?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m just looking.”

(As the store is empty, the clerk seems bored. He follows me.)

Clerk: “Are you looking for a specific wine?”

Me: “Yes, but there’s no way you can help.”

Clerk: “Sure I can. Try me.”

Me: “I’m trying to find the wine my daughter-in-law served last night. I was told it was really good. I didn’t drink any and I didn’t see it poured, so I don’t know what it was called or even what kind of wine.”

Clerk: “Do you know the name?”

Me: “No, and I don’t know what kind it was. I never saw it poured.”

Clerk: “Was it red or white?”

Me: “As I said, I don’t know. I’m hoping I will recognize the bottle.”

Clerk: “I don’t think I can help you. What kind of wine do you like? I can recommend something.”

Me: “No, thanks. I just want to see if I can find this one.”

(The clerk wanders off, looking annoyed. I eventually recognize the bottle and grab some.)

Clerk: “Is this what you were looking for?”

Me: “Yes. I knew I would recognize the label even if I couldn’t describe it.”

Clerk: “Well, I could have found it for you if you would have told me it was [Brand] or even that it was Malbec. If you want help, you need to have some information to start.”

Me: “But I didn’t want help. I wanted to look.”

(He finished the rest of the transaction without commentary.)

My Hope For Humanity Is Melting

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2018

Customer: “Do you have any ice?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

(I point towards our freezer of ice. The customer opens the door to the freezer and shuffles around a few bags before turning back to face me with a disappointed look on her face.)

Customer: “Do you have any ice less frozen?”

Me: “Um… No, I’m sorry. We do not.”

Do Things Different So Faro From Home

, , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2018

(My brother and I go to New York. I am 23 years old and he is 20, and we are both Portuguese citizens. We are invited by a friendly local family we met to dinner at their place, and decide to go to a liquor store to buy two bottles of Portugal’s excellent wine, so we won’t show up empty-handed. After having chosen the two bottles, we get to the register, and I place the bottles on the conveyor belt.)

Cashier: “Hello. Your total is $90.”

Me: *in Portuguese* “[Brother], the wallet is in my backpack; take it out and give the cashier a 100, please.”

(He does so, and hands the cashier the money.)

Cashier: *pointing at my brother* “I need to see his ID; he looks under 21.”

Me: “He is; he’s 20. I, however, am 23.”

Cashier: “It doesn’t matter; he gave me the money and he is under 21.” *hands the money back to him*

(I can already see my brother rolling his eyes, as we’ve never had these issues in any other country as long as one of us is legal. I turn to him.)

Me: *in Portuguese* “[Brother], it’s okay. Just give me the money and I’ll pay.”

(He hands me the money, and I try to give the cashier the money, which she doesn’t accept.)

Cashier: “He gave you the money. You are buying for him. I can’t sell to you.”

(I’m slowly getting annoyed. Instead of arguing, I just ask for a manager, hoping he’ll be willing to sell it to me. He arrives and I explain what’s going on.)

Manager: “If you hand over the money, you can buy the bottles; that’s okay. I need to see your ID, though; you also look under 21.”

(I give the manager my passport.)

Manager: “This doesn’t seem to be a state-approved ID. I cannot accept it.”

Me: “No idea what state-approved IDs are; it’s a Portuguese passport.”

Manager: “I’m afraid we can’t sell you the wine if you can’t provide an ID.”

(We both just look at them for a few seconds, then look at each other and decide it isn’t worth discussing.)

Me: “All right, just hand me back my passport. We’ll buy it somewhere else.”

(I got my passport back, and we went into the next liquor store we could find. They were happy to sell us the wine.)

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