I’m buying some whiskey as a gift from a liquor store when a dishevelled-looking man runs in and starts screaming at everyone in the store.

Crazy Man: “You’re all going to Hell! God has never made alcohol! His Creation does not make any alcohol! It’s all processed and made by fallen men who want to drag us all into Hellfire!”

Cashier: “Stan! We told you that if you did this again, we’d call the police! Get out!” 

Crazy Man: *Even louder* “Alcohol is a sin! The Bible tells us all those who drink alcohol are sinners!”

Suddenly, a voice can be heard from the back of the store, in that stereotypical Black woman sassy voice that is so New York City.

Customer From The Back: “B****, Jesus turned water into wine! Get yo crazy a** out of the store and into church!”

Thankfully, Stan complied. My friend loved his sinful gift.

While working for a government-owned liquor store (yay, monopoly!) in Sweden, I had a customer approach me.

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?” 

Customer: “Hello, I am looking for a non-alcoholic red wine containing antioxidants.”

Me: “I’m sorry, a non-alcoholic red wine containing antioxidants? I don’t think I’ve heard of that particular combination before.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t ring any bells for me, either. Are you sure this is something we currently offer?”

Customer: “Look!” 

The customer shows me her phone.

Customer: “Here is an article describing this wine and how it’s available at [Store]!”

We go through our and other stores’ inventory and check the customer’s online article while finding zero matches.

Me: “Well, ma’am, since this article is from 2015, and it’s currently 2024, I will have to assume this particular wine is no longer available for sale, and unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing I can do.”

 Customer: “But how is it possible that it’s no longer for sale if I can find articles about this wine?”

 Me: “Ma’am, the article is out of date, and that’s why the product is no longer available.”

 Customer: “But I could find the article about the product, so I should still be able to buy it… This is terrible customer service!”

Cue mental breakdown.

I work in a wine store.

Customer: “Excuse me, but is the wine that you sell already made?”

I look at my coworker, and we both draw a blank.

Coworker: “What do you mean by ‘already made’?”

Customer: “Like, is it ready to drink?”

Coworker: “Well… we’re not here selling grapes.” 

Customer: “…”

Me: “Yes, it’s ready to drink.”

Customer: “Oh, good! I’ll take one.”

Me: “One bottle. What kind of wine would you like?” 

Customer: “Oh, there’s more than one?”

I work in a wine store. A customer walks in and approaches me immediately.

Customer: “I wanted to get some wines from France; I heard they’re the best. Do you have any? It’s for a dinner party.”

Me: “Yes, right this way. Do you know if you’d like a particular grape?”

Customer: “Grape? What’s that got to do with it?” 

Me: “By grape, I mean the type of wine, like Cabernet-Sauvignon, or Merlot?” 

Customer: *Blank stare* “I just want French. I heard it was the best.”

Me: “Okay, well, they’re all here. If you’re looking to host a dinner party, I can recommend this one.”

Customer: “I can’t have that one! It’s corked!”

Me: “It’s… corked? I’m sorry, but how do you know?”

Customer: “There’s cork on the top! Why are you trying to sell me corked wine?!”

Me: “‘Corked’ doesn’t mean that it has a cork stopper used to seal the bottle. Corked means… Well, where are you getting your wine advice?”

Customer: “YouTube. They said French is best and not to get corked wine.”

Me: “Well, I can tell you a few things that your YouTube video didn’t tell you, but I can assure you that it is very unlikely this wine is ‘corked’ in the bad sense of the word, and I can explain to you how you can tell.”

Customer: “Can’t you just let me try some now, so I can tell?” 

Me: “Since most of our customers drive here, we find it best not to allow them to sample alcoholic drinks while on the premises.”

Customer: “Wait, this wine is alcoholic?” 

Me: “Sir, what exactly is this YouTube channel you’ve been watching?!”

My wife and I went to the liquor store last weekend. A woman had run into a guy’s car while parking and left to go into the store with the cars still smooshed together. The guy who had been hit was livid and waiting for the other person to come back.

When being rung up, we watched the woman and guy exchanging contact information and told the cashier what was going on.

Cashier: “The woman just rushed in and bought a 1.75-liter of vodka. I wonder if she’s drunk.”

And that’s when it hit me. Who runs into a car in a parking lot and doesn’t back off, assess the damage, leave a note, or run away? A drunk person, that’s who!