My manager has worked in his liquor store for so long that he has quick and succinct take-downs for anyone who doesn’t show ID. This guy is trying to buy some beer from him.

Manager: “ID, please.”

Customer: “You don’t need to see my ID! I’m obviously old enough!”

Manager: “An ID would make it very obvious.”

Customer: “I’m bald!”

Manager: “Razors exist.”

Customer: “Look at my tattoo! I served in the military!”

Manager: “You can join the military at seventeen.”

Customer: *Shows photo of family from wallet.* “Look, I have kids!”

Manager: “My mom had me at sixteen. Anyway, your total is [Total].”

Customer: “You’re selling me the beer?”

Manager: “Your ID was above your family photo in the wallet. I’ve been here long enough that I can speed read an ID.” 

The customer looks back at his wallet, his eyes go wide, and he mutters a few curse words. He buys his beer anyway.

I don’t know why people who actually have their IDs on them are like this…

We close at midnight, since we’re not allowed to sell anything alcoholic after this time. It’s 12:05 AM, and I’m in the back doing some administrative tasks, when the young guy working the front comes in, looking scared.

Me: “All locked up?”

Young Guy: “Yeah, but…” *Shows me some cash.* “Some guy came in to get some beer just now.”

Me: “Do not tell me you allowed a cash sale after midnight.”

Young Guy: “I didn’t! I told him we couldn’t sell anything and that it’s the law! He just opened the fridge, grabbed a six-pack, threw the cash at me, and ran out the door.”

Me: “…oh.”

Young Guy: “Does… does that count as theft?”

Me: “…I don’t know.”

I told him not to worry and that we got everything on camera. I told the boss, who told me he’d take care of it. The guy had overpaid by almost $10, so I told the young guy to count it as a tip.

We now lock everything at 11:55 PM, and only open if we can guarantee a complete sale before midnight.

Customer: “What gives? The booze is all locked up!”

Me: “We’re not allowed to sell liquor after 9 PM. Beer and wine are available until midnight.”

Customer: “But we just need the vodka!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell those until tomorrow.”

Customer: *Flashes some cash.* “C’mon. There must be something you can do for us.”

The two customers wink so badly it might as well be a cartoon.

Me: “I think I could help you out.”

They smile as I gesture for them to lean in close. They look confused when I start writing something down.

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “The mailing address to write to the local congressman to ask for legislation to be passed so drunken a**holes can get drunker.”

They did not take the address. I have it memorized now.

A woman brings up two bottles of wine to the counter and proceeds to say:

Customer: “Oh, man, I’m wasted. I’m pretty drunk.”

That’s not what you want to say to anyone serving alcohol.

Me: “Ma’am, then I am unable to sell these to you, as it’s against the law.”

Customer: “It’s fine, I’m not driving.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter, you’ve just admitted yourself that you’re drunk.”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll have my friend buy it then.”

She tries to slide the wine to the lady she’s with, but I pull them out of reach.

Me: “Sorry, that’s not how this works. I can’t sell to either of you.”

Customer: “Okay.”

She looks at the person behind her in line.

Customer: “He’ll buy it then.” 

The guy behind her looked surprised. It was obvious to us all that he was not with them. At this point, I’m frustrated, and I have the final say at my store, so I say:

Me: “I’m not selling to you. Either you can leave, or I’ll remove you.”

Customer: “Ugh! You would have sold these to me if I hadn’t said anything at the beginning!”

Me: “I’m going to call that a cry for help. Go home.”

I’m stacking beer. There are four stacks of beer beside me, each six feet high. A customer walks up to me:

Customer: “Do you sell beer?”

Me: “Nope. This beer is just to show what it would look like if we did sell beer, but we actually do not.”

Customer: “Ah, bummer.” *Leaves.*

Boss: *Walking over.* “You know, I was about to walk over here and give you a grilling for talking to a customer like that, but then he replied, and I figured either he’s trolling you, or he’s genuinely that stupid, and I no longer blame you for saying what you said. Maaaaaybe don’t do it again, though.”