(I work in IT for a large county health department. Recently we began web-based training for all employees on cyber security. A supervisor is using the agency training lab to have our school nurses take the training. I’m there to help the nurses navigate to the training.)

Supervisor: “Now that they are all online, I’m sure I can handle this, though I’m still a little fuzzy on talking about ‘fisting’ emails.”

Me: *pausing a minute* “Do you mean ‘phishing’?”

Supervisor: “Fisting, fishing, whatever…”

(I’m now a bit afraid of what other information this supervisor gave.)

(A recent Firefox update has caused an error message to appear when users try to install our software. There is a complicated fix that we can walk our customers through over the phone in order to get it installed. Many of them, including this particular gentleman, are not entirely comfortable on computers.)

Customer: *after we get the software working* “Can I tell you something? I would rather set myself on fire than do this tech thing again.”

Me: “Actually, I completely understand. I have been repeating this workaround to people literally all day.”

Customer: “Really? Wow.”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “You’ve been really pleasant, but I think you should take my advice and find another job.”

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?

Caller: “I need some assistance with my Internet connection; it’s not working.”

Me: “I can assist you with that. Let me grab some details about your account and take a look.”

(I proceed to gather account information and notice that the caller is in her late 80s. After testing the connection, I notice that our systems are showing that nothing is connected to the data socket in the premises.)

Me: “Okay, I think I may have identified the issue. Do you know where the data socket is in your home?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s under my dining table.”

Me: “No problem. I just need you to check the cable connection, as it may have come loose or have been knocked out of the socket.”

Caller: “Give me a minute, love; I’ve got to get under the table.”

(I hear the caller put the phone down and there are a few grunts as she climbs under the table. She picks up the phone again.)

Caller: “You know, I’ve only known you for five minutes, and I’m already down on my knees.”

(I start giggling, but do not attempt to mute my microphone.)

Caller: “I don’t just do this for any man, you know.”

Me: *uncontrollable laughter*

(The caller finds that her cable was unplugged from the socket accidentally. After reconnecting it, her service begins working normally.)

Caller: “Thanks so much for that, and I’m sorry for being inappropriate.”

Me: “Don’t apologize; you have made my day. I am glad your service is working.”

(I’m an engineer for one of the biggest ISPs in the UK. I have a home visit next in my daily planner for a customer having trouble with their TV service. The notes claim it has been escalated as advanced, so I have a two-hour slot allocated for the visit. I turn up at the customer’s door and she just stands there looking at me for a while.)

Me: “Excuse me, just to confirm you are Mrs. [Customer]? I’m the telecom engineer you have booked to come and investigate a fault you reported with your television service.”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Um, so, is your partner still at the van or something?”

Me: “No, just me.”

Customer: “I thought you said you were a technical engineer, a nerd! Where are your glasses, crazy hair, spotty face, and fat?!”

(I am about to laugh, thinking she is joking, but she just stands there, deadly serious, waiting for an answer.)

Me: “I can assure you, I’m an engineer. Here’s my ID card. It should match the name on the text message you were sent, and as you can see, I have been fixing faults like yours since 2011. Would you like to show me where your set top box and router is located?”

Customer: *still not convinced* “I suppose. But I still can’t believe they sent out someone just like me. I know my stuff, but simply can’t get it to work at all. That’s why I called for help. For a geek!”

(She continues to suggest that she probably knows more than I do, and that I am just a kid who knows nothing. I start by checking that everything is wired up correctly ,while the customer is literally breathing down my neck, looking closely at what I am doing. I ask her a few more questions, and her answers seem normal — with exception to all the insults she also slides in.)

Me: “Well, so far, so good. It looks like you have everything wired correctly, and your broadband is functioning properly. Let’s see if I can get any life out of your set top box.”

Customer: “Look, you’re just wasting my ti– How the hell did you do that?”

Me: “There’s a red power switch on the back of the box. You hadn’t pressed it.”

Customer: *physically dragging me backwards by my shoulder to guide me out of her house* “Here’s £10. Change your report so I don’t sound stupid in your files!”

Me: “I’m afraid there is a charge of £65 if there is no fault found, or the problem relates to user error. There’s no need to pay me, but it will be added to your next bill. Would you like me to come back inside and make sure it’s set up properly and works fine?”

Customer: “F*** it. F*** you! I’m complaining right now! How dare you insult my intelligence!” *slams door*

(In our shipping stations, we have four workstations logged in the whole day to accomplish various tasks. Up until this point, they all used a generic “Shipping” login; however, we’ve just been told that new compliance rules have been set up and we can no longer log in multiple times with a single account. Compliance with WHAT, exactly, is never listed. I draw the short straw to call up IT to get some more answers, and get bumped around until I talk to the System Admin.)

Me: “I understand we’re not going to be allowed to log in to all four systems at once starting Monday.”

System Admin: “Correct.”

Me: “I’m guessing that we’ll get separate logins, then?”

System Admin: “Nope.”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘nope,?”

System Admin: “We don’t have time to set all that up.”

Me: “Are you kidding me? I know for a fact it takes about 15 seconds to set up an account; you just hit, ‘duplicate,’ and enter a new name. It doesn’t even need to be complicated; we’ve got, ‘Tickets,’ ‘Scan Check,’ ‘Labels,’ and, ‘Shipping.’ Heck, we already have, ‘Shipping,’ so that’s only three.”

System Admin: “No, sorry. We just can’t do it.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight. Because you don’t want to spend literally a minute setting up these accounts, we now have to individually log into a computer to process and print the tickets, log out of that and into a second one to scan the items to make sure they’re correct, log out of that and into a third one if we need any manual or extra labels printed, then log out of that one and into a fourth one, just to finalize the orders? Every hour? And then repeat the process if there’s ever a mistake?”

System Admin: *smugly* “Well, I guess you’ll just have to not make many mistakes, will you? Now, I’ve got some actual work to get to, if you don’t have anything else. The only way I could do this would be to get a direct order from [Head of IT].”

(With that, he hung up on me. I turned to the shipping manager, who was working just over my shoulder, and relayed that last bit of info. Since he just happened to have an Operations meeting that week with the heads of every “backroom” department — including IT as well as the VP of Operations — you’re dang right we had our four unique workstation logins before Monday!)