How To Run An Idiot Survey

, | Dallas, TX, USA | Right | May 25, 2017

(I work at one of the largest real estate and property management firms in the world as a help desk analyst. Now and then IT security will send out a fake phishing email to test users and to educate them on phishing messages. These usually have some enticing message with a link that leads to a video that educates the users on phishing, including why they should NOT have clicked on the link. This morning, they apparently felt like we weren’t getting enough calls and sent out one of their messages. This one said that management wanted to have the employees take a survey to make sure they are meeting the needs of the employees (that should have been the first clue). After taking the survey the employee might get a gift card (yay, another clue!). Throughout the morning the calls were all very straightforward, and then this call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service desk. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I received an email about an employee survey, but when I clicked the link it just gave me a video. There was no survey! Can you help?”

Me: “The email that you received was a test and educational message that was sent out from INFOSEC. The video just goes over the dangers of clicking links in emails from unknown senders, especially those that promise things like gift cards.”  *thinking she is afraid there might be a virus or something* “There is no danger to your computer and we don’t need to run any virus scan. Everything is okay.”

Caller: “I watched the video, but it never gave me the survey! I think there is something wrong with the survey.”

Me: “Ma’am, the video is all there is. It’s just to educate you about phishing. It even explained in the video why the email you received should have been deleted.”

Caller: “So you mean there is no employee survey?”

Me: “No… There is no survey. Just the video telling you that you did bad by clicking on the link. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “No, but I still want the survey.”

Me: “Thank you for calling.”

(Some people simply cannot be helped.)

Let’s Just Inter-NOT!

| MI, USA | Working | May 10, 2017

Employee: “Good afternoon. My name is [Employee]; how can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, hello, I believe there is a problem with my broadband. I can connect to the Internet just fine but once a few of us get on a game at the same time we start lagging very badly.”

Employee: “So there is a problem with your Internet?”

Me: “No the Internet works just fine; it’s the broadband.”

Employee: “So… what’s wrong with your Internet?”

Me: “No. It’s not the Internet. Let me say it another way. Let’s say you have a garden hose and water is coming out. Well, I have three people trying to use that water at the same time. I want to find out if there is a way to increase it to a fire hose. A lot more water coming through the line at once.” *to myself* “Maybe it’s my router… Their crappy black box is probably the problem.”

Employee: “So… your Internet has a problem?”

Me: “You know what… I think I figured out my problem… thanks.” *click*

Me: *to my friend* “Hey, guess what? I had to explain to an Internet provider help desk employee how broadband works…”

The Grandchildren Login At Different Priorities

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Right | May 5, 2017

(I work full-time at home with a well-known global company, troubleshooting my customer’s technical issues across several device platforms. I recently became trained into another department, and encounter a customer with login issues. As we are screen sharing:)

Me: “I’m just confirming that you want to have your login password separate to your online account password?”

Customer: “Yes, I am concerned someone in the family might get access as I have grandchildren and this is a brand new computer!”

Me: “Not a problem! Are you aware of what the password for your other account is?”

Customer: “Yes, but I really don’t want to associate my computer login with that account. Some other advisors helped me set this up yesterday; I sometimes have issues when the computer goes to sleep.”

Me: “I think I know where to go. Could you please follow my pointer up to the system preferences option? And then click users and groups. We can change your password here.”

(I sensed a bit of nervousness from the customer in case she couldn’t login.)

Customer: “Are you positive I will be able to login after this?”

Me: “That’s why I’m here to make sure you do! Okay, if you click the change password option, it will prompt you to enter your existing online one and a new password for your computer. It can be anything of your choosing.”

(Queue customer entering her password clue as “number one grandchild.”)

Me: “I hope your other grandkids don’t see this or they might be jealous!”

(The customer broke down in a superb fit of laughter that took a good five minutes to recover from! And all I said was to not let the grandkids see. I won her over and solved both her issues.)

Internet Is Down And They Are Out

| Mexicali, Mexico | Right | May 3, 2017

(My job consists of going to people’s houses and performing repairs on their Internet service. Sometimes customers defy belief. I am on one of my visits. After knocking on the door for several minutes a very young boy, about six or seven years old, pokes his head out.)

Kid: “Hi?”

Me: “Hi, I am with [Internet provider]. Did your mom ask for help?”

Kid: ” Let me see…”

(The kid goes in the back. I can clearly hear the following conversation, as the voice of an older woman is rather loud.)

Older Woman: “Tell him we are not here.”

(The boy pokes his head out.)

Boy: “We are not here.”

(I am trying not to laugh.)

Me: “Well, do you know when your mom is getting back?”

(The kid turns back and asks the older lady who is obviously not there.)

Boy: “When are they getting back?”

Older Woman: “I don’t know.”

Boy: “She doesn’t know.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, I will wait for a bit.”

(The kid’s mom and the owner of the house arrived about 15 minutes later. The older woman, apparently the grandmother, sat there shamelessly the whole time, and not once did she address the situation.)

Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

, | Bellevue, WA, USA | Working | May 2, 2017

(I’m the resident network admin at our office. Far too often the following seems to happen whenever someone needs access to one of our databases: I get an email saying Employee needs access to Database. Before I even have a chance to read the details, an IM pops up on my screen:)

Employee: “Hey, did you see my request?”

Me: “Yes, it just popped up.”

Employee: “Oh, okay. Well, I need access to [Database].”

Me: “Yes, I’m reading that now.”

Employee: “Okay, thanks. I’m coming over.”

(Seconds later the employee physically walks to my desk.)

Employee: “So, you got my email right?”

Me: “I just said I did.”

Employee: “Have you done it yet?”

Me: “Um… It’s barely been two minutes since you sent the request. Give me a chance to read through it then I’ll get it in the system and send you confirmation.”

Employee: “Oh, okay.”

(They walk back to their desk, then almost immediately ping me on IM again.)

Employee: “Is it done yet?”

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