I call tech support because I have no Internet. After we finish basic troubleshooting, this conversation happens.

Tech Support: “It looks like we are going to have to send a tech out for this issue. This will incur a charge of $70 which will be reflected on your next bill. I’m going to send you a text with a link to approve this charge.”

Me: “All right, I got the text.”

Tech Support: “Excellent. Please approve the charge and I’ll set up an appointment.”

Me: “Okay. It’s going to take a minute.”

Tech Support: “That’s fine. Please approve the charge.”

Me: “Working on it; it’s just that all I have is mobile data and the site is taking time to load.”

Tech Support: “Okay, I understand. I just can’t make the appointment until you approve the charge.”

Me: “I don’t have Internet. My phone is being slow. I am approving the charge right now; it’s just going to take a minute.”

Tech Support: “I understand. We can find another way to approve it.”

The website loads and I am able to hit the “approve” button.

Tech Support: “Oh, I see it’s been approved. Let’s get your appointment set up.”

Apparently, the word “patience” was not in the man’s vocabulary.

Caller: Hi I need to update software on my computer.
Me: Okay, you probably need to get a reimage. Are you on campus?
Caller: No
Me: …Are you in town?
Caller: I’m a remote learning student.
Me: Oookkaay… Well sometimes we do mail ins. You’re not a grad student, right?
Caller: I’m a grad student.
Me: Oh, uh, well… We don’t do software support for grad students.
Caller: I need this to do my homework.
Me: Hasn’t the professor given you software download information?
Caller: No.
Me: Okay, so what exactly is the problem?
Caller: I need the new OS to run this software.
Me: You should just be able to do that through normal Mac updates?
Caller: I can’t.
Me: … Okay… Um… Go to this site. “Apple dot com slash mac os…” You following me?
Caller: Yes.
Me: “slash how dash to dash upgrade.” Enter. You there?
Caller: …What was the address?
Me: *I repeat it and try not to sigh in frustration*
Caller: *long pause* It’s not working.
Me: Well what version of Mac are you on?
Caller: 10.5
Me: Ten… point… five??
(The rest of the world is on 10.11)
Me: Well… You’re gonna have to BUY snow leopard first.
Caller: How do I do that.
Me: Okay. Go to google. Type in Mac. OS. Snow. Leopard. Have you done that
Caller: *long pause* Yes
Me: Do you see the first one that is at apple.com?
Caller: *long pause* Yes.
Me: It’s that one. Do you need anything else?
Caller: Can I get software from you guys?
Me: No, we don’t support grad student computers.
Caller: I thought you sold Windows Office suite.
Me: …. That’s Student Business Services.
Finally he lets me hang up. Two of my coworkers, who came in twenty minutes ago to replace me after my shift ended, both look over to me at the same time.
Coworker 1: You were stuck on that call this whole time?
Me: Yep.
Coworker 2: He didn’t even have snow leopard???
Me: Yep.

Some days I worry about the course of our society.

I call a company for tech support on their product, as I’ve been having issues that I just can’t solve myself.

After the customary wait, and after sorting through a million phone choices designed to weed out those too inept or not stubborn enough to get a live person, I finally get someone to talk to.

Information is exchanged: name, date, rank, and serial number, status of the first born child, third moon of Jupiter’s equinox date. You know, the standard “tech support opening questions.”

Finally, what feels like a half-hour after starting the call, the tech support worker finally asks, “What is the problem?” and I explain it. Basically, I’m asking how to reboot a device.

The tech support on the other end pauses for a minute, hmms, and haas. Finally, I get this beauty of a comment.

“I’m sorry, you can’t do that. Nope, no way to do it. It’s impossible. Would you like me to look it up for you to find out if it can be done?”

No. No, I don’t want you to look it up. I called you, spent all this time trying to talk to you… No, I don’t want you to look it up. I’ll just sit here and talk to you for the charm of your personality, Mr. Tech Support Guy.

A quick transfer to someone higher up the chain and my problem is fixed, in less time than it took for tier one to ask me if “I wanted him to look up my issue.”

I work for a large electronics store, generally helping people with placing or looking up their web orders. One night, just as I’m finishing my training, a guy calls in, clearly high and super giggly.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; how may I help you?”

High Guy: “Do you sell telescopes?”

Me: “Umm, I can look for you… Yes, we do!”

High Guy: “What kind? What is the brand name?”

Me: “[Brand] only, but we have about a dozen different ones!”

High Guy: “How much are they?”

I run through a few prices.

High Guy: “So, how far into space can they see? Like, can I see the stars up close?”

Me: “I’m not too sure. You might want to talk to talk to our electronics department to find that out.”

High Guy: “So, like, can I see into my neighbour’s apartment? She’s hot.”

Me: “I wouldn’t advise that, no.”

High Guy: “I’m in California; would you ship here?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no, as you’ve reached [Company]’s Canadian branch. I can transfer you to the USA line if you like, though!”

High Guy: “You are so awesome. Transfer me. I want a telescope!”

I really hope that whoever got him on the US line was as amused as I was.

I’m currently having issues with my Internet; everything we have access to has already been reset, cables checked, all the first-run tech solutions. It’s time to do the most dreaded task known to man: call tech support.

After a forty-five-minute hold, I finally get through to talk to someone. It doesn’t help that his accent is so thick it’s actually impressive; I’m only including it because it may partially explain the problems we have. I explain my problem.

Tech #1: “Okay, is your phone and television also having problems?”

Me: “No, my TV’s fine and I’m talking to you on my phone.”

Tech #1: “Not your cell phone, sir, your home phone.”

Me: *Pause* “I’m talking to you on my home phone, not my cell phone.”

Tech #1: “Okay, well, I will need to be resetting your FIOS box. Are you knowing to do that?”

Me: “Technically, but it’s in a storage closet and it would take forever to get to. Also, that will kick us from this call.”

Tech #1: “No, sir, resetting your FIOS box will not disconnect your cell phone.”

Me: “I already told you. I’m not on my cell phone; I’m on my landline. I only have a landline because my apartment has terrible cell service and I can’t make calls on it while inside.”

Tech #1: “Okay, sir, I am understanding, but I am needing to reset your FIOS box, which I can do remotely without affecting your cell phone. Can you please stay on the line with me while I do this?”

Me: “No, because the landline goes through the FIOS box, and I will get disconnected.”

Tech #1: “I assure you again, sir, y—”

And that is when his signal to reset the box goes through, and — shocker — it disconnects the call. Two minutes later, my phone’s back up and I call back, this time waiting nearly an hour. The new tech has a different, much lighter accent.

Tech #2: “I see you already have an open ticket; are you calling about the same problem?”

Me: “Yes, I am, and the last tech I talked with reset my FIOS box disconnecting my call and now I had to wait another hour to talk to someone.”

Tech #2: “I am very sorry for that, sir. I can see in our system there is actually a network outage in your area; crews are already working on it.”

Me: “That makes sense. Thank you for letting me know… Please tell me this isn’t a two-hours-old issue that the last guy just never looked up?”

Tech #2: “I’m sorry, sir, my system does not show exactly when it started, but… Oh, dear.”

Me: “Well, that doesn’t sound good!”

Tech #2: “No, I am sorry. I just looked up the record and your last technician is still in training; he should not have taken a call on his own yet.”

Me: *Pause* “Gooood, and let me guess you probably shouldn’t be telling me that, either?”

Tech #2: *Pause* “IsthereanythingelseIcanhelpyouwithtodaysir?”

I burst out laughing; I needed that after the last two hours of annoyance. I also did take the survey you always get via email for once, saying that [Tech #2] was great, but [Tech #1] needed to be trained how to actually listen to and comprehend the customers.