I’ve just picked up a tech support ticket.

Ticket From A Manager: “I need a new laptop ASAP. The screen has gone fuzzy and isn’t as sharp as colleagues’ with newer equipment.”

I contacted this manager via instant messaging:

Me: “Hi, I’m from IT. Are you able to elaborate on the issues you’re having with your laptop?”

Manager: “All the other managers have silver ones and mine is an old grey one.”

Me: “The silver ones are the last generation; they were replaced with the grey ones, like the one you have.”

Manager: “Can’t you just swap mine for a nice silver one?”

Sigh…

Note for future equipment refreshes: laptops must be shiny, otherwise we’ll never convince users that they’re better than the ones they already have.

I’m on a call, with the caller complaining that his computer no longer boots up. In checking his specs, I note that it is one of the notorious riser board units.

The correct solution would be to send a technician on-site and have them remove and reinstall the board, and thus get the computer running again. The cheap customer service solution we are given instead is to walk the user through the process of opening the ridiculously complicated case, identifying the riser board, using a screwdriver to remove it, and then re-inserting it, putting everything back together, and hoping it now works.

Often, it was a rinse-repeat sort of thing where the second or third time is the charm. These calls take a ridiculous amount of time and tend to make users uncomfortable as they are being called on to basically perform heart surgery on their computer.

Never wanting to assume the hardest solution first, I start with basic things like checking if the computer is plugged into the wall, and having the user unplug the power cord from the back of the computer and from the wall, and reconnect it to make sure it isn’t loose anywhere.

We also check the power and connection to the monitor to make sure nothing is hinky there. And so, we step through all the basic troubleshooting, and it is now time to tackle the dreaded riser board issue. 

With more than the normal level of difficulty, we get the case open. I am now describing the internals of the computer to him to help identify the motherboard and riser board, and the user says:

User: “Hang on, I don’t want to drip wax into the computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say ‘wax’?”

User: “Yeah. I’m using a candle to light the inside of the case.”

Me: “Why are you using a candle?”

User: “Because the power is out.”

Me: *Face-palm smack.* “Did it not occur to you that you would need power to use the computer?”

User: “Sure. But it has a battery in it.”

And indeed, it does. A WATCH BATTERY. A battery just strong enough to help the computer not forget the date and time when turned off and unplugged. And even so, these normally need to be replaced about once a year, or the computer forgets what day it is.

I explain this to the user, but he doesn’t want any part of it. He wants the computer to work during a power outage on a small watch battery.

I apologize that I can’t help him with that, and then help him put the case back together again, after which he asks to talk to my supervisor. This was easy to accomplish.

My supervisor and about three other people had been listening in on the call after it started to go long, and well before we determined the source of his trouble was a power outage. They are still listening and generally having a good laugh at the user’s expense.

The supervisor comes and listens to the user’s complaint, which isn’t about me – he likes me – but all about the computer not working when the power is out. It was voted call of the week.

I work on a mobile app used by retail employees of large chains. We release app updates about once a month, with various fixes and/or features. Sometimes, if a fix is critical enough, we wait two to three days after the new version is released, then ban the old version from being used.

I wasn’t the tech support employee this time, but I got this from one of my colleagues.

Customer: “I can’t log in to the app, and I’m getting a weird error message!”

Tech Support: “What does it say?”

Customer: “It says, ‘This version of the app is too old, you must update to the newest version.'”

Tech Support: “Did you have a problem with upgrading to the newest version? Was there an error?”

Customer: “Huh? Why would I have to do that? How should I know that’s what I need to do?”

Tech Support: *Desperately trying not to throw the phone across the room.* “Would you like me to walk you through updating the app?”

I work in tech support for a large corporate office that has a lot of overpaid managers who know nothing about technology. A high-priority ticket pops up on my screen. They’re all high-priority, because that’s how senior managers see themselves. This one has come from one of the many directors:

Subject Line: “URGENT: My computer is broken!”

I sigh and remote into his machine. Sure enough, he’s clicked on a phishing email from something called “MicroSofte Security Alert Team.” Classic. It’s getting pop-ups and warnings of viruses and whatnot.

I call him directly.

Me: “Hey, [Director], I see your computer’s having issues.”

Director: “No s***, Sherlock! I need it fixed right now or—”

Me: “I’ve just locked your account.”

Director: “…You what?!”

Me: “You clicked a fake security link. That’s a breach. I need to make sure you didn’t just let a virus into the company network.”

He’s already raising his voice.

Director: “I’m a department head. You can’t just shut down my computer without authorization!”

Me: “Actually, I can. It’s called preventing a company-wide ransomware attack. You’re welcome.”

He hangs up on me. Twenty minutes later, I get a Teams message from HR. They’re calling an “urgent meeting.” As in right now. The director’s already there, practically vibrating with indignation.

Director: “This IT guy shut down my access and accused me of a security breach!”

Me: “Not accused. Confirmed. You clicked a phishing link that could’ve compromised the company.”

HR: “Let’s keep this professional.”

Me: “I am being professional. That’s why I didn’t let the malware finish downloading.”

The director glares.

Director: “You overstepped. I’m a director. I make operational decisions.”

Me: “And I make cybersecurity ones. You clicked something that said ‘Microsofte’ with an extra e. That’s not operational. That’s educational.”

HR: “[Director], IT has authority over security protocol.”

The HR person then turns to me.

HR: “Uh… what is the protocol?”

Me: “He’ll need to take the cyber-awareness course before his account is reinstated.”

Director: “You’ve got to be kidding me! I don’t have time for that nonsense!”

Me: “Next time, think about that before you click a fake link.”

He storms out, saying he’s going to take this up with the company president. Another hour goes by, and another “urgent meeting”, this time in the president’s office.

The company president is sitting there looking half-amused, half-tired. The Director is sitting opposite him, looking like a sulking teenager.

President: “So, [Director] tells me you locked him out of his system without clearance?”

Me: “He clicked a phishing link from a known scam domain. I followed standard incident response. I didn’t need clearance.”

President: “Director, did you click the link?”

Director: “It looked official!”

President: “But did you click it?”

Director: “I… yes.”

The president leans back and rubs his temple.

President: “So, he prevented a breach that you caused?”

The director is sullen and silent.

President: “Alright, here’s how this works. You’ll complete the cybersecurity course. That takes a day. IT will run diagnostics on your workstation, and until they say you’re clean, you’re not logging in. Understood?”

Director: “This is ridiculous.”

President: “No, what’s ridiculous is that our Operations Director doesn’t recognize a phishing scam.”

The Director mumbles and leaves. The President turns to me.

President: “Good work. Next time, if anyone else in upper management clicks something stupid, just shut it down and send me an email. I’ll handle the fallout.”

Me: “Gladly. In fact, I already have that template drafted.”

President: “You IT people scare me.”

Me: “Good. That means it’s working.”

I work as tech support. A caller calls in with a common issue with a computer that had a somewhat complicated fix, but was basically guaranteed to fix the issue.

After I explained the steps:

Caller: “I’m not doing that, that won’t do anything. Can you get me someone who knows what they’re doing?”

Me: “I promise this will fix it. Just try these steps with me, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll be happy to transfer you.”

The caller does the steps with me.

Caller: “It’s still—” *Very distinctive start-up sound.* “—not turning on.”

Me: “I think I heard it. Is there anything on the screen?”

Caller: “Well, maybe it’s doing something.”

This is followed by the distinctive login sound.

Me: “Yes, sounds like it’s working, is there anything else I can—”

Caller: *Click.*