Me: “Hey, [IT Guy], I had to change my password to log onto my computer yesterday, and, like an idiot, I forgot what I changed it to today, and I am locked out. Can you fix it for me?”
IT Guy: “Sure.”
(Twenty minutes later…)
Me: “So… how’s it going?”
IT Guy: “Oh, yeah, I sent you an email.”
Me: “…My email is on my computer. The computer I am currently locked out of.”
(I have been experiencing Internet outages all day, and once a snow storm hits, there is nothing. I call to double check if there are any other problems in the area.)
Tech: “Thank you for calling [Service Provider]. This is [Tech]. How may I help you?”
Me: “My Internet is out, and I was wondering if there were any outages in the area.”
Tech: “I can certainly check that for you. Give me a moment…” *brief pause* “It seems there are only a handful of people who are without connection, so I don’t think it is an area issue. What is the modem doing?”
Me: “Well, it’s odd. All the lights are on as if it were working, but I definitely can’t access any websites.”
Tech: “Okay. Just a few questions for you to determine this isn’t the router. Do you have any baby monitoring devices in the house?”
Me: “No.”
Tech: “Do you have any new remote devices at all?”
Me: “No.”
Tech: “Is your home built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?”
Me: *giving my fiancé a twisted face and giggling* “No.”
Tech: “Okay, then. I’m going to ask you to unplug the router from the modem so I may check the connection on our end.” *gives me instructions* “And don’t forget to stand on one leg while holding a rubber chicken. Most people forget that.”
(We go through a few more steps, the results of which are baffling him, because his system says there’s no connection, but my equipment says otherwise.)
Tech: “I knew it… you didn’t hold the rubber chicken.” *sigh* “Nobody ever listens.”
Me: *trying not to lose it, I giggle more* “You sure there aren’t any other outages? The storm outside is pretty bad.”
(A short conversation reveals he is in Louisiana and had no idea there was a storm.)
Tech: “Even though the storm may have something to do with it, I’m not ruling out the possibility of an ancient burial ground. However, I am going to recommend we replace your modem.”
(We set up an appointment for the next day.)
Tech: “I would like to thank you for calling [Service Provider], and for being patient with both the troubleshooting and my sense of humor. Have a good night.”
(I stay on the line to wait for the automated survey to give him an excellent review. I hang up and finally let my laughter go. Both my fiancé and roommate look confused. I tell them about the conversation.)
Fiancé: “I would have liked to hear his reaction if you told him you held a rubber duck instead.”
(It is 1998, and I have one caller who can’t get his CD-ROM to read discs. The drive has already been replaced on a previous call, so I know it isn’t the hardware. I spend over an hour with the user on the phone trying different CDs, reseating cables, uninstalling and reinstalling drivers, checking the registry for bugs, and anything else I can think of. The caller is an elderly gentleman, so every step takes twice as long as usual to explain and have him complete. Finally, I am at my wit’s end.)
Me: “Okay, let’s go ahead and put the disc in one last time.”
Caller: “Okay. Wait, it goes in label-side down, right?”
(I used to work in a call center, and I know that one tactic the lower-quality employees use is to put upset customers on an extended hold until they hang up, rather than allow it to go to their supervisors. I am at the end of a call that, while I have finally managed to get my original issue resolved, has created a secondary issue that requires me to speak to a supervisor. After I tell the customer service representative on the line that I want to speak to a supervisor, he puts me on hold for five minutes.)
Customer Service Rep: “Unfortunately, all of my supervisors are busy, and I don’t know when they will get around to helping you. And seeing as I did resolve your issue today…”
Me: “I used to work in a call center, and I understand a bit about how they work. Do they track your metrics?”
Customer Service Rep: “Excuse me?”
Me: “Your metrics… Do they track how long you are on calls with customers, and how long you have them on hold?”
Customer Service Rep: “Yes, ma’am…”
Me: “Okay, so, go ahead and put me on hold until you can get me a supervisor.”
Customer Service Rep: “All of my supervisors are busy at the moment, and I don’t know when one will be available, and since I did resolve your concern…”
Me: “Don’t worry about how long the wait will inconvenience me; I have all night…”
(I was put on hold for maybe a minute before I had a supervisor.)
At that time I worked for a company which sells computer specifically designed for old people and computer noobs (with a specific user interface very simple, with big buttons and all functionnalities color coded) and did a little lvl2 tech support for them in addition to developpement.
So we get calls from people who had never touch a computer before…
Caller: hello, a messaged appeared when I tried to print something and said that I need to change the cartridge of my printer.
Me: Yes sir, your cartridge must be empty. What is the brand and model of your printer?
Caller : its [brand name]
Me: Allright, and the model? It should be just after the brand on the front or on a white paper panel on the back.
Caller: I don’t find it…
Me: that’s no problem, what color is your printer? (I open a google picture search and look for all printers to find his model)
Caller: Black
Me: Ok, is the printer rather squared or rectangular?
Caller: I don’t know…
Me: is it wider than high?
(after a good 15 minutes of this kind of question, I actually find his model)
Me: Ok, so this model is pretty simple, you just have to go buy a black [Brand] [Model] cartridge, open the little lid in front of the printer (and another 10 minutes of discussion to explain him step by step how to do it) And that’s all
Caller: That’s too much of a hassle! I will just buy a new printer it will be easier!
Me: (after loosing more than 30mn with him for nothing) You could do that sir, but it will cost you much more than just replacing the cartridge!
Caller: It’s not worth the hassle, I don’t want to loose my time! bye!
Thanks for making me loose my time sir…
