Client: “My Internet doesn’t work!”

Me: “Can you tell me what you see on the computer screen?”

Client: “It’s black!”

Me: “Is your computer turned on?”

Client: “Of course it is! The green light is on!”

Me: “Can you try restarting the computer?”

Client: “I can’t; the tower is in the shop!”

Me: “…”

Me: “So, the green light is on your monitor?”

Client: “Yeah! My computer!”

English is not my first language; this happened in Portuguese and I translated.

I am on the IT team, and my director asked me to write an email for bankers about an activity they have to do via Teams.

Director: “Hi, can you write the email in  IPS?”

Me: “Yes, of course!”

But I had no idea what the h*** “IPS” was, so I went to my manager.

Me: “What is IPS?”

My manager laughed and then explained.

Manager: “IPS — ‘Idiot-Proof Style’.” “APB — ‘à prova de burros’.”

I’ve been in the IT field for years. I’m at a new job; I’ve only been there about a week and I’m getting introduced to the “problem” people. You know the kind — they see fresh blood and they have to call with every d*** request or complaint they’ve EVER had in their entire existence? THEM.

I get a call from an overly irate woman complaining that her printer isn’t working.

Woman: “I’ve done everything to fix it and it still won’t work. I’m going to miss my deadline and it’s IT’s fault! I’m going to tell my boss that the reason I can’t get my work done is that IT isn’t helping me when I need help!”

Blah, blah, blah.

It should be noted that we have an entire network of printers she can print to — like thirty printers. If her printer doesn’t work, she could just flip over to another printer ten feet away and print. But NO. Instead, she’ll throw a massive hissy fit over the printer directly next to her.

I walk around and find these two women (sharing a pod) steaming angry — arms folded and all. The one is already gesticulating, pointing, jabbing fingers, slamming printer doors, and overall b****ing up a storm about the d*** printer not working.

And as I stand there, I notice that the entire cubicle area is WITHOUT POWER. They are in the F****** Dark.

Lamps. Off. PCs. Off. Phones. Off. Printer. OFF.

Now I’m wondering if I’m being hazed. I mean, I am the new girl. I’m looking around to see if people are watching me and soon they’re going to laugh and good times will ensue. No. These two whackjobs are dead serious, but it is only the one who is freaking out and complaining.

Me: *Calmly* “Did you notice how dark it is in here?”

Woman: “What does that have to do with me not being able to print?!”

Me: “You are sitting in the f****** dark because there is no power!”

They were both running heaters under their desks and flipped the circuit for their quadrant of the floor. And somehow, when this happened, they managed to NOT notice the lights going out, the phones going dead, or the PCs shutting down. No. Instead, they noticed that the printer stopped printing and called to scream about that.

I left and told them to call facilities. I’m pretty sure they heard my laughter from down the hall.

This took place in the 1990s when a T1 (1.5 Mbps data connection) would run you over $500 a month, and only the phone company and a few very large, data-centric companies would even dream of having a T3 (43 Mbps).

I was working for one of those telephone companies in the central office where we provisioned and trouble-shot those very lucrative services. There were four people in my department, making it one of the larger such offices in the state.

One day, [Tech #1] was on vacation, [Tech #2] was out of the office for some other reason, and [Tech #3] called in sick. I was alone for eight hours with the workload of four technicians. Well, as a good employee, I prioritized and got all the trouble tickets done and all of the most urgent new services installed. Everything due that day was done. But in the process, I missed my two fifteen-minute breaks and worked through lunch.

My supervisor came down at the end of the day to congratulate me on my good work, and he watched me fill out my timesheet for nine hours. He started to get a little panicky.

Supervisor: “I can’t approve overtime. I’ll get in trouble.”

Me: “I just spent nine hours doing the work of four people. That’s thirty-two hours’ worth of work.”

Supervisor: “But it wasn’t approved.”

Me: “What can we do, then? I worked it; I need to get paid.”

Supervisor: “You could leave an hour early on Friday.”

Me: “Okay.”

Come Friday, I decided to take full advantage and only take a half-hour lunch so I could leave at 3:30 instead of 4:00. Well, guess what? [Tech #1] and [Tech #3] had not returned, so it was just two of us. [Tech #2] disappeared at 1:30 or so. I found out later she was interviewing for a management position.

At 3:00, I got paged for a ticket on one of those very expensive T3s that was “down hard.” I was to join a conference bridge to assist in troubleshooting. I joined the call. Then, at 3:25:

Me: “Sorry, I have to drop off. I’m not approved for any overtime. The night shift person will be here in a half hour to help.”

I dropped off, knowing the night person on duty had never worked on a T3 before.

I hadn’t even reached my car when the pager started blowing up.

Pager: “Overtime is approved; please stay on.”

But I had already clocked out, so I just smiled and got into my car. I drove home and took my wife out for a long overdue date night.

I have worked in computer repair for most of my working life. One day, back in about 2008 or 2009, I answered a phone call from a customer whose Internet was not working. I was trying to get her to reset the Internet settings in her browser. I’ve walked several customers through this process already, and it usually only takes a minute.

Me: “Can you open Internet Explorer?”

Customer: “Okay, I have done that, but it just says Page Not Found.”

Me: “That’s okay; we’ll try to solve that. If you look near the top right of your screen, you should see a small icon that looks like a cog or a gear. It will probably be just a bit below the red X.”

Customer: “Yes, I can see it.”

Me: “Can you click on it?”

Customer: “Okay, I’ve done that.”

Me: “There should be a menu that pops down, and it should have ‘Internet Options’ at the bottom.”

Customer: “Yes, I can see that.”

Me: “Can you click on ‘Internet Options’?”

Customer: “No, sorry, I can’t do that.”

Me: “Um, oh… Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It’s too hard. Sorry, I really don’t know much about computers.”

Me: “Don’t worry too much. I’ll tell you exactly what to click on. This will only take a few more seconds. I just need you to click on ‘Internet Options’.”

Customer: “Sorry, I can’t do it. It’s too hard.” *Click*

What I find hilarious is that she had already clicked on a few buttons as I was walking her through it. I really don’t see why it suddenly got so much harder.