Making Wi-Fries With That Potato

, , , , | Working | November 16, 2017

(My friend has been planning to quit for a while, and decides to go out in style.)

Friend: “[Company IT Department], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi there. My router has been having issues and my Wi-Fi isn’t working.”

(After discussing this for a few minutes, my friend figures out that it’s a simple problem; however, after trying to fix it, the customer is being difficult, so he decides to have some fun.)

Friend: “Okay, I think I know how to fix the problem, but you have to follow what I say to the letter. First, I need you to get a knife and a potato.”

Customer: “Umm, okay.” *leaves for a minute* “Okay, got it.”

Friend: “Now cut the potato in half.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Friend: “And rub each half on either side of the router.”

(To my friend’s disbelief, the customer actually did that for several minutes; however, management was listening in and my friend was soon fired, all according to plan.)

Best To Just Keep It All Closed Down

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)


, , | Right | November 9, 2017

Me: “Technical support, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if my Internet router could be broken.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I was wondering if it was possible that my router had started leaking.”

Me: “Leaking? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, someone told me that when the routers get old, they could start leaking gigabytes, and that it was really unhealthy for us.”

Me: “No, ma’am. That is not possible.”

Customer: “But someone told me that it could happen when the router gets old.”

Me: “No, ma’am, your router is fine. You don’t have to worry about your router leaking gigabytes.”

Customer: “Well, all right. Thank you.”

Forgot To Reset Gravity, Too

, , , | Right | November 6, 2017

(This occurs while walking through some troubleshooting steps with an older, friendly customer that uses a tablet.)

Me: “Let’s try a reset! I would like you to press the sleep/wake button and the home button at the same time, and hold these until you see the [Brand] logo.”

Customer: “Okay!”

(I hear loud metal-on-floor and glass-cracking noises after 15 seconds.)

Me: “How did the reset go, sir?”

Customer: “Well. I’ve let go of the buttons like you told me, but now I’ve broken my [Tablet].”

Me: “…”

Mac Attack!

, , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work at the help desk for a computer manufacturer. I am assisting people with their purchases after the Christmas rush. Some people have legitimate problems; others are computer-illiterate and simply need some guidance. One person in particular simply shouldn’t own a computer. I am in the middle of my shift when I answer a call from an irate man.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company] tech support. My name is [My Name]. May I have your customer or serial number please?”

Caller: “I want you to send me a new laptop. This one doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, sir. I would be happy to assist you with your computer. I just need your customer or serial number please.”

(After a bit of back and forth, he finally allows me to guide him to the serial number on his computer and reads it to me.)

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Name]. I have your account brought up and I see you recently purchased a [Laptop Model]. What is the problem you are experiencing with it?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to install [Program], so I want you to send me a new laptop.”

Me: “Sir, I understand your frustration. I need to do a little troubleshooting to identify the problem before issuing a replacement. May I have the name of the program you are trying to install again, please?”

Caller: “It’s [Program].”

(I quickly do some research to identify if there is some compatibility issue with our computer or his version of Windows to discover that there is — the program is only written for Mac. It will never, ever work on his machine.)

Me: “Sir, that program is for Mac only. Windows cannot run it.”

Caller: “I want a new laptop. This one is broken. It won’t install [Program] and it should. I want a new one.”

Me: “Sir, it is much like putting a DVD into a VCR. While they are both made to play movies, the VCR will never be able to read a DVD. It’s different technology.”

Caller: “[Name] at my company told me I could and he knows computers.”

Me: “Sir, if you purchased a car and tried to put a motorcycle wheel on it, because someone told you that you could, would you return the car to the dealership and demand a new one because it didn’t work?”

Caller: *screams at me so loud I have to pull my headset down* “Yes, I would!”

Me: “Okay, sir, there is nothing wrong with the laptop that I can identify. It is functioning exactly as designed. If you want me to troubleshoot other issues, I am happy to do so. However, I cannot issue a replacement at this time. What I can do, if you wish, is issue you a return box with prepaid shipping, and you will receive a full refund as soon as the laptop and all of its components are received by our warehouse, as per your 30-day money back guarantee.”

Caller: “You—” *long string of expletives* “You are going to send me a new computer or I demand a refund!”

Me: “Sir, I was offering you a refund.”

Caller: “Go f*** yourself!”

Me: “Again, thank you for calling [Company] and have a great day.”

(I hung up the phone and sent him the return box while he was still ranting. I looked back at the notes after mine later that day and discovered he had tried six more times with different techs to get a new computer, and all of them told him the same thing. He eventually ended up accepting the return, thank goodness!)

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