(I work in tech support for an ISP.)

Customer: “Is the Internet down? I’m at [Location].”

Me: “I do not show any outage in that area. Are you currently connected to the Wi-Fi?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that? I can’t enter my PIN to log in.”

Me: “You are not able to log into your computer?”

Customer: “Yes, the Internet is not working, so when I type nothing happens.”

Me: “If you are unable to log into your computer, then I would recommend that you contact your computer manufacturer.”

Customer: “Are you sure you can’t give me some computer know-how and fix it for me?”

Me: “We supply Internet; we do not work on personal computers. You need to contact the manufacturer of the computer for assistance.”

Customer: “And what, talk to a bunch of [expletive] Indians? No, thanks!” *click*

(I run a bit of a computer support business as my side hustle. My customer has just purchased a new multi-functional printer and is confused about how scanning works.)

Me: “This is how you scan. You can put the paper on the feeder here or on the glass here.”

Customer: “But will it scan double-sided on the glass?”

Me: “No, as the laser only faces the glass and it does not matter if you’re scanning because—”

Customer: “So, you are telling me if I put my face on the glass it won’t scan my entire face?”

Me: *facepalm* “I think what you need is a camera.”

Female Coworker: “[My Name], my G-spot is missing.”

Me: “What?”

Female Coworker: “My G-spot, on the computer.”

(I walk over to her desk.)

Female Coworker: “It’s usually right there.”

Me: “What are you trying to find again?”

Female Coworker: “Oh, my God, my G-suite.”

(I show her how to bookmark it.)

Me: “Sorry, I can’t help you find that other thing.”

A little pre-amble, I was working for a cable/internet/phone service provider at the time, when a customer with one of our newer cable TV systems called

Customer: “My TV hasn’t been working for the last 2 months, it’s just been giving me this message about not being allowed”

Me: “Ok, lets take a quick look at that.” *I checked that the equipment was responding to me, and sent a quick refresh through to it* “It seems everything looks good from our end, so I’ve refreshed your equipment, can I get you to check if it’s working now?”

Customer: “Yes, it seems to be working now, but I want a credit for the time it wasn’t working!”

Note: The commands I did took maybe 30 seconds to perform, and we were maybe 3 minutes into the call at this point.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to provide a credit for this for you, as we were able to get it working right away”

Customer: “Yes, you did, but I want credit for the 2 months my cable wan’t working”

Me: “I can see how it would have been frustrating to have it not work for so long, but we have no way to identify and correct such issues unless they are reported to be happening. As you didn’t report it previously, and have not had to wait for a resolution since reporting it, I am unable to credit you.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, why should I have to let you know this isn’t working right away? I demand a credit now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but policy states we can only credit downtime from when an issue was reported to when it was resolved in the cases where it requires a technician to visit.”

Customer: “I demand to speak to your supervisor”

Me: “Ok, just wait a moment and I will get someone for you” *I then proceeded to get a supervisor to take the call, sadly I didn’t get to hear the conversation from there, but when I checked back later, I still saw no credits.*

Truly can be amazing how some people think those in tech support are Omnipotent, just because we can remotely refresh and reset equipment…

(It is back in the early 2000s. I’m working on my thesis — which I have thankfully backed up on three different devices — when my laptop screen goes black. There’s nothing but a big, black screen of digitized death. I try the customary restarting the computer and no luck. Praying for any help, I call the brand’s IT department. After sitting on hold for a rather long time, the IT guy picks up and we go through the usual spiel. I keep explaining over and over again that there is nothing — absolutely nothing — I can see on the screen as it is black. He then asks me to try some software fixes. After giving me the instruction on how to navigate to the command dialogue box:)

Me: “Okay, so, the computer screen is about [dimensions]; where do you think the box would be?”

IT: *repeats instructions*

Me: “You don’t get this. My screen is completely blacked out. I can’t see anything.”

IT: *giving up on this* “Let’s try remote connecting.”

(I know where this is going, but I can’t seem to get this through his head.)

IT: *provides instruction on remote connecting* “Now you just have to click to accept.”

Me: “Okay, so, where would that be on the screen? Middle, top, two inches down from the right-hand side?”

(I end up clicking random spaces. Somehow, by sheer luck and this guy’s determination, after three failed remote connections I manage to click the box that allows him to remotely connect.)

IT: “Oh, wow! The screen is completely black.”

Me: *head to desk* “I know. I’ve been trying to tell you this.”

IT: “You’ll have to send it to us for repair or replacement.”

(I really wish we could have started there.)