I work for a tech company named after a fruit. I get a call from an older-sounding gentleman.

Caller: “Hello, I have purchased one of your expensive phones.”

Me: “Were you having an issue with it, sir?”

Caller: “I was talking to your colleagues in one of your stores, and I was asking why they cost so much. He told me all about the quality of materials and the power of the components, and some things I didn’t really understand.”

Me: “Our phones are made with the best—”

Caller: “—yes, yes, he told me all that. I also asked if there was anything else your company offered that goes into the cost of the product. He told me you have an excellent customer service team who answers the phone quickly and can get my issue resolved quickly, so I thought I would call you.”

Me: “Well, thank you for calling! What issue can I help you resolve, hopefully quickly?”

Caller: “I don’t have any issues, but if the cost of high-quality customer service is built into the cost of your products, then I need to get my money’s worth and call you.”

Me: “So, you’re not currently experiencing any issues with your product?”

Caller: “None, they’re working great. I just wanted to call you to get my money’s worth.”

Me: “Sir, we really only exist to help customers who have issues with their products. If you’re not experiencing any then there’s nothing really I can do for you.”

Caller: “I’m not expecting you to do anything, I just want to use up what I’m owed. So, how long do I stay on the line before I’ve used up what I spent on my new phone?”

I switched the direction of the conversation to teaching him how to use some useful shortcuts on his new iPhone so that SOMETHING could come of it, but seriously, dude.

There’s a woman who just started working with us and couldn’t get logged in.

Me: “You have your password? You have your [2fa App] running on your phone?” *The proprietary two-factor-authentication software.*

New Hire: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, put in your username and password, then put in the code on [2fa App].”

New Hire: “I didn’t get it typed in fast enough; it changed.”

Me: “That’s okay, just delete it and wait until just after it cycles, then type the next one in.”

New Hire: “I still can’t get it in fast enough.”

So, I watch her. She follows my directions, and I figure out what her issue is.

Thirty seconds isn’t long enough for her to type in the six-digit code from [2fa App].

I’m at a total loss here… and I don’t have any suggestions for this problem. I tell her I can’t help her, and I explain the issue to the floor supervisor.

Me: “Boss, I’m not trying to be ageist here, but… she can’t seem to type in the six-digit code off [2fa App] fast enough to get logged in.”

Floor Supervisor: “Oh, that happens all the time. Just tell her to wait until just after it clicks over. A new code is generated every thirty seconds.”

Me: “Yeah, she can’t seem to type fast enough from it resetting.”

Floor Supervisor: “It’s six digits long.”

Me: “Yeah, and she can’t make it through all six digits fast enough.”

Floor Supervisor: “So… why are you telling me?”

Me: “Because… It’s not my problem anymore now that I’ve told you?”

While assisting the help desk at work, replacing a computer monitor, the end user asked me:

User: “You’ll be able to transfer all of my desktop shortcuts over to the new one, right?”

Me: “Well, it’s only the monitor I’m changing, so no need to worry about that.”

User: “But you will transfer them… right?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. It’ll be fine.”

When I plugged the new one in, and he saw all of his icons and documents exactly where he left them (there were a lot), he let out a sigh of relief.

User: “Wow! You put them back so fast! How did you know I kept them in that order? You must be so smart!”

Me: “I have my moments…”

Related:
Monitoring The Situation, Part 6
Monitoring The Situation, Part 5
Monitoring The Situation, Part 4
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation, Part 3
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation, Part 2
Not Properly Monitoring The Situation

Caller: “Hi, I just bought the iPad with WiFi.”

Me: “Do you mean WiFi and cellular?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “And what issue are you having with it, ma’am?”

Caller: “Well… where’s the WiFi?”

Me: “You mean you’re having trouble connecting to your WiFi?”

Caller: “I don’t have WiFi! I bought the iPad with WiFi because it’s the name! ‘With WiFi’!”

Me: “Ma’am, all iPads can connect to WiFi, but it doesn’t come with the WiFi. It just means that it can connect to WiFi.”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! Why do you call it iPad with WiFi then?!”

Me: “We don’t. We call it iPad with cellular, if you get a model that can connect to cellular networks, but all iPad models can connect to WiFi.”

Caller: “So how do I connect to WiFi!?”

Me: “You need to buy it from an internet service provider.”

Caller: “F***! I got this iPad so I wouldn’t have to get internet!”

Years ago, I became manager of tech support for a small startup with a half dozen techs. I’d worked in support for a dozen years by then, and I always told them that my job was to advocate for both them and the company equally and that by doing both, we’d get the best results.

My boss was the owner of the company. He got excited about things quickly but had the retention of a fruit fly. When he came up with ideas, stopping him was difficult, and more than once it became detrimental to the success of the company.

At one point in time, he managed to wander into a Best Buy when the Microsoft Surfaces had first been released. He was smitten with them and, after a few days, decided that everyone in the office should be using them.

So began the rollout meeting where I first heard his intention of replacing my tech’s desktops with three monitors and laptops with a single Surface Pro. I politely tried to steer him away from this idea, for at least tech support by suggesting maybe a pilot program, a usability study, or anything really would be a better idea.

Undeterred, he kept things moving along, talking about licensing and timelines for adoption. Whenever I was asked anything, my hesitation was noticeable and soon became an issue.

Boss: “What’s your problem? Everyone else is on board with this. Why aren’t you?”

Me: *Calmly.* “My techs required a significant amount of screen real estate to do things like work in SQL, do remote connections, and interface with upper support tiers.”

Boss: “So if I take away their computers and make them use Surface Pros, what are they going to do?”

At this point in time, it would have been more comical if his past whims hadn’t been detrimental to the company and us. But it wasn’t. He was dead serious.

Me: “Are you familiar with the term ‘mutiny,’ sir?”

English wasn’t his first language, but I think he finally understood what the results would be if he went through with this. I made a calm statement about what happens when you take away the tools that techs need to get their jobs done.

I was asked to leave the meeting, and I returned to my cubicle. Within a few days, the Surface Pros started to show up around the office. Everyone was enamored with the new shiny objects they’d been issued, while my techs never for a second considered that those would have been their fate had it not been for my advocacy.

Over time, the Surface Pros eventually all died in one way or another: broken screens, overheating, etc. If anyone knows anything about these, they were essentially unrepairable. The head of sales told his staff to keep important files on a USB stick in case theirs died, and when they needed a replacement, they could just get what they wanted at Best Buy as long as it wasn’t another Surface Pro.