It’s The B*tching Hour

| NJ, USA | Right | July 20, 2017

(I work a Saturday overnight shift with a geeky friend. Our shift starts when the store closes at midnight, so we meet up about ten minutes before so we can catch up on geek gossip while he smokes a cigarette. We usually warn anyone coming up towards the doors that the store will be closing soon. Usually, customers understand and hurry to grab the essentials before the front end shuts down for the night, but one hipster guy just didn’t get it.)

Me: “Just to give you a heads up, the store closes in about ten minutes, so unless you just need to pick up a couple of things they’ll be shooing you out shortly.

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The store closes at midnight promptly.”

Customer: “Well, that’s some bull-s***. This place is 24 hours!

Me: I’m sorry, but the township prohibits 24-hour businesses. I know, it sounds crazy, but it’s an actual law here in [Town].”

Customer: “You’re s***ting me.”

Me: “Nah. I’ve lived here my whole life, and there has never been a 24-hour business within the township limits. Even 7-11 closes for a half an hour.”

Customer: “That’s the worst lie I’ve ever heard. You guys are a**-holes.”

Me: “No, seriously. It’s a law from when the township formed back in the 1960s that’s still on the books.”

Customer: *incoherent swearing questioning my moral fiber and parentage*

Coworker: “Aaaaaand, now you have five minutes before the store closes. If you hurry, you can still make it before the front end closes.”

Customer: “Well, f*** the both of you very much. I’ll take my business across the street.”

Coworker: “You do that.” *waits until the customer is out of earshot* “How pissed do you think he’ll be when he figures out [Other Store] closes at 11?”

She Uses The Google

, | | Right | July 20, 2017

Throwback ThursdaysTHROWBACK THURSDAY! Check out this awesome story that you may have missed! What’s a crazy design request you’ve had? Let us know in the comments!

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Well can you teach me?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

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No ID, No Idea, Part 29

| Elk City, OK, USA | Right | July 20, 2017

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t sell cigarettes without seeing your ID.”

Customer: “It’s just f****** cigarettes!”

Me: “Still doesn’t change the law…”

Customer: “I serve in the military and I can’t have any f****** cigarettes?”

Me: “Okay, may I see your CAC?” *military photo ID that has birthdate on it*

Customer: “My what? Just give me my f***ing cigarettes.”

Me: “It’s time for you to leave. Bye.”

Customer: “I’m going to have your f****** job!”

Me: “You’ll have to go online to apply.” *smile*

Related:
No ID, No Idea, Part 28
No ID, No Idea, Part 27
No ID, No Idea, Part 26

Rent Can Be Painful These Days

| Lawton, OK, USA | Right | July 20, 2017

Me: “Thank you for calling [Complex]. This is [My Name] speaking! How may I help you?”

Caller: “Well, honey, I’ve got to schedule an appointment.”

Me: “Okay, great! Are you a current tenant or are you looking for a new apartment?”

Caller: “Uh… which ever one hurts less.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Caller: “Well, it’s just time for my yearly mammogram, and they usually don’t feel too good.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is an apartment complex… I believe you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Definitely In Need Of Some Closing Time

| Pierre, SD, USA | Right | July 20, 2017

(A customer barges through our front door.)

Me: “Hi, how ca—”

Customer: “QUICK! Tell me what year it is!”

Me: “Um… 2014?”

Customer: “My machine worked!”

(He runs out the door repeating “My machine worked!”)

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