The best of our most recent stories!

This Is Not Smoothie Sailing

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

We have new smoothies in two flavors. This is my first day back, so I haven’t tried both.

Customer: “Have you tried the new smoothies?”

Me: “I’ve tried the chocolate one, but the veggie one should be good, too!”

Customer: “I’m having trouble deciding, but I’m going to have one of those.”

Me: “Okay!”

Customer: “The chocolate one is fine.”

I ring him up and make and serve his smoothie. When we get to the counter, however, there is an issue.

Customer: “Is this mine?”

Me: “Yessir!”

Customer: “Oh, you must have misunderstood me! I wanted the veggie one!”

I remade it because of our satisfaction guarantee; all the while his child was throwing our checkers pieces everywhere while he did nothing.

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Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 7

, , , , | Right | March 1, 2021

The company I work for has recently decided to go completely bagless. It can be a little inconvenient, but for the most part, no one’s really cared all that much. Today while I’m working the till, a customer walks up with two six-packs of beer.

Me: “Would you like a cardboard flat to carry it out in?”

Customer: “No, just a bag is fine.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. We don’t have bags anymore.”

Customer: “Seriously?! So, if I come in and buy three bottles of wine, am I just supposed to put them in my pockets?!”

Me: “We have flats and boxes, and we sell reusable wine totes for $1.”

Customer: “Then I guess I’d better find somewhere else to shop.” *Storms out*

Me: “…okay?”

Related:
Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 6
Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 5
Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 4
Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 3
Has Some Serious Bag Baggage, Part 2

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An Unexpected Transition

, , , , , | Related | February 26, 2021

My grandpa is a very tall, straight-back, and straight-laced veteran with a no-nonsense attitude who diligently attends church every Sunday. He occasionally mentions his aunt and her friend; when Grandpa isn’t around, Granny clarifies that they’re lesbians in a long-term committed relationship and that Grandpa just isn’t comfortable talking about them like that.

Now, he is in his late eighties and has somehow gotten sterner. My mum, older sister, and I have gone over to see my grandparents. My older sister is dating a trans man. We are all having a chat in the living room and the subject of her boyfriend comes up. I can’t quite remember how it gets to this point, but it does.

Mum: “Oh, he’s a transman.”

Grandpa: “A what? What’s that?”

There’s a bit of an awkward pause and my sister glares daggers at my mum.

Sister: “He’s a transgender man. It means he was born a female, realised he was born into the wrong body, and is transitioning into man. He’s on hormone therapy and will soon have one of his surgeries, and I’ll be there to help him through it.”

Granny: “Oh… She’s—”

Grandpa: *Sharply* “He.”

Granny: “No, [Grandpa], she was born—”

Grandpa: “I heard. But he is a he. He is [Sister]’s boyfriend. He is a trans man. He is having hormones to be a man. He is thus a man and the appropriate pronoun is he.” *To my sister* “Unless he prefers different pronouns?”

Sister: “N-no, his pronouns are he/him.”

Grandpa: “There we go. He. Not she.”

Granny: “She’s clearly confused!”

Grandpa:No! He is not. I imagine he was much less confused when he was growing up not feeling like he belonged in his own body! You’re confused; he’s not! I hate that word! They called my aunt ‘confused’ and they set fire to her home and threw bricks through her windows because they were ‘confused’ by who she loved! They were happy, consenting adults. That’s all that mattered! This man is happy as a man, and it’s nobody else’s place to tell him he’s wrong or confused! It doesn’t affect anyone else!”

My grandpa died of cancer a few years back, but his tirade is a very fond memory I have of him as it allowed me to see a side I hadn’t known was there. My granny did improve her knowledge and opinions on transgender issues, though.

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No, All These People Are Just Holograms

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

I’m working in the dining room at a restaurant at around five o’clock. A lady comes up to me.

Customer: “Excuse me. Are you open right now?”

I look to my left where a bunch of customers are eating. I look to my right where there is a huge line of customers. I look at all of the customers who are walking around us.

Customer: “…”

Me: “Yes.”

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How To Start A Pillow Fight In Six Words Or Less

, , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2021

My family is taking a redeye flight across the country. The plane has a two-five-two seating configuration and I am sitting on the side with our older daughter while my wife sits directly behind us with our younger girl.

When I sit down, I look around for pillows and can’t find any, so I call a flight attendant.

Me: “Are there any more pillows available?”

Attendant: “I’m sorry, sir, but they are all given out.”

At this point, my spouse leans forward with her pillow and offers it.

Attendant: “This lady said you can have this one.”

Me: *Without hesitation* “That’s no lady; that’s my wife.”

Attendant: *To my spouse* “He’s been waiting forever to use that, hasn’t he?”

It took me several years to live that one down.

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