The best of our most recent stories!

The English Are Everywhere!

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 1, 2021

I am in a lift — ahem, elevator — with an English colleague. His parents are from Hong Kong and speak no English, but he grew up in a town on the Sussex coast so his accent is pure home counties; think Hugh Grant but without the London twang. The third person in the lift is a stranger.

Me: “Where should we go for dinner tonight?”

Colleague: “Maybe that hamburger place on Washington Square [Colleague #2] suggested?”

Stranger: *Pointing* “You shouldn’t have that accent!”

She immediately clapped her hand over her mouth and looked embarrassed, apologising. He laughed it off because he got it. Asian accent, sure. Asian with an American accent, sure. Asian with a British accent, shocking!

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Steal Or Swim

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

My mom and I own a small clothing store. We sell high-end branded swimsuits. Two ladies want to see and try on the swimwear. They try on everything and do not buy anything.

Customer #1: “I didn’t see anything that I like here.”

I notice the neck strings of one of our swimsuits still tied around her neck under her clothes.

Me: “Do you mind giving me back all of the suits so that I can put them back on the racks?”

She does bring back all of them; I count both tops and bottoms before they leave.

Customer #2: “I think that we’ll go to [Big Box Store] and buy one.”

Me: *Thinking* “And you just tried to steal a $75 swimsuit from us?”

I told my mom about what they tried to do and she said that they were not welcome back.

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Who Knew You Could Mess Up Instant Ramen?

, , , , | Related | March 1, 2021

My eight-year-old nephew has just learned to make the “add water and microwave” ramen bowls. His eleven-year-old brother figures, if his little brother can do it, how hard can it be? After popping one in the microwave, he falls back on one of his favorite Sibling Activities, gloating.

Older Nephew: “Look, I know how to cook ramen better than you!”

[Younger Nephew] looks around his brother at the microwave and says, completely deadpan:

Younger Nephew: “Your ramen is on fire.”

We quickly put the fire out to find that [Older Nephew] had neglected to actually read the instructions and hadn’t added water. It took three days for the smell of smoke to go away and we had to buy a new microwave.

At thirteen now, his cooking skills haven’t improved much, but at least he learned not to gloat about them. We also learned to keep a closer eye on him in the kitchen.

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In These Complaints For The Long Haul

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

My bank branch is closing. However, there’s another one a few miles away, as well as several others in a thirty-minute radius, so it’s not like we’re leaving customers high and dry. However, since this location is in a small town, we get an earful. Here are some snippets of conversations I’ve had.

Customer #1: “What am I supposed to do now? You guys are closing!”

Me: “Well, there’s a branch on [Street], under ten minutes away.”

Customer #1: “I’m not driving over there.”

Me: “No problem. [City] has several branches, as well. Would you like the addresses?”

Customer #1: “You expect me to go all the way over there?! Do you know how long that drive is?!”

Me: “It’s twenty minutes, depending on traffic.”

Customer #1: “Well, don’t you just know everything.”

Or this one:

Customer #2: “What happens if I ever can’t get to that other branch?”

Me: “You are more than welcome to mail deposits in.”

Customer #2: “That doesn’t seem very secure.”

Me: “Have you set up online banking or our app? We offer free mobile deposits. You take a picture of your check and—”

Customer #2: “Nope. Don’t want it.”

Me: “Do you have a debit card? It’s free, and you can get cashback at stores or the ATM. I can order one for you.”

Customer #2: “No. I let my husband handle the cards.”

Me: “You can also call in, and we can do transfers and balance inquiries over the phone. That’s also free.”

Customer #2: “But what if someone hacks my phone? I don’t like any of this. What else can I do?”

Me: *Pauses* “Close your account?”

Customer #2: “Oh, no. I like you guys too much to do that. But I don’t understand how I’m supposed to do my banking when you close.”

Me: *Eye twitches* 

Or, my personal favorite, after three weeks’ worth of complaints:

Customer #3: *In the middle of a rant* “…and you people closing this branch is not providing good customer service!”

Me: “[Customer], as we’ve told you before, you know that this wasn’t our decision.”

Customer #3: *Loud sigh* “FINE. I’ll go to that other branch. But I can’t believe you are making me do my banking all the way over there.”

Me: “It’s less than ten minutes down the road.” 

Customer #3: “That’s quite a drive, young lady.”

Me: “Aren’t you a long-haul trucker?”

[Customer #3] glared at me, snatched his receipt off the counter, and stormed out the door. However, there were no further complaints from him!

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An Inflated Complaint

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

I work at a pet store chain. I’m at the bottom rung of the corporate ladder, meaning I stock shelves and ring up customers. I have zero say in how the store is run, where things go, or how things are priced. Yet, somehow…

Customer: “Did the dog food increase in price?”

Me: “I’m not sure. It’s possible that it did; we update our tags each month.”

Customer: “Last time it was $1.79 a can, now it’s $2.29!”

Me: *Internally* “So, you know the price increased.” *Externally* “My apologies. Did you want me to take them off?”

Customer: *Ignoring me* “That’s too much. I can’t believe the price went up!”

Me: “Again, my apologies for that. I have no say in the prices—”

Customer: “Well, you have a mouth, don’t you? Tell your supervisors that they’re too much!”

I’m internally a bit frustrated but not about to show it.

Me: “My supervisors also do not control the prices, unfortunately. It all comes from corporate. We have to put the prices up as corporate tells us.”

Customer: “Well, next time, I might go elsewhere!”

Me: *Smiling* “You are more than welcome to! I would never ask someone to shop here if they aren’t satisfied with our prices.”

She harrumphed and left after paying. Funny thing is, I would’ve offered to price match one of our competitors, who I know charges around $1.89 per can of that brand, if she’d been less rude about it.

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