The best of our most recent stories!

The Masks Don’t Muffle These Idiots Enough

, , , , | Right | August 2, 2021

I’m a medical professional. I’ve been dealing with people who think the health crisis is a hoax or not serious, etc. I walk into a coffee shop and distance myself on the little circles they have that are six feet away from each other. There are just a few people in the store and it’s pretty big so, overall, I feel safe.

I’m minding my business when this woman walks in. I don’t notice her until I hear a barista say:

Barista: “Excuse me. You need a mask to be inside the store.”

I turn to witness a look of horror on this woman’s face, as if she didn’t see the countless signs stating you need a mask, and or she didn’t realize there was a health crisis.

Woman: “All I want is a coffee.”

Barista: “I’ll be happy to make you one when you put a mask on.”

Woman: “But—”

Me: “Nope.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “Nope. These workers don’t get paid enough to make coffee and babysit children.”

Woman: “Excu—”

Me: “Nope.”

Woman: “I—”

Me: “Out.”

She goes to speak again.

Me: “Nope, out.”

It feels like I am talking to a misbehaving puppy, and she looks just as sad. She turns to the only line of defense she has left.

Woman: “I’ll get you fired!”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Woman: “I’ll find your boss!”

Me: “I am my boss.”

She short-circuited, made a weird, grunting, angry sound, and left.

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Really Making Your Peers Look Good

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2021

In between college semesters, I work at a photo center in a popular chain drug store. I generally work the evening shift, from late afternoon until about one in the morning. Keep in mind, we are not a one-hour photo development station. Usually, due to the sheer amount of orders we receive on a day-to-day basis, we never guarantee photos until the next day. We even have signs stating this policy behind and on the counter. As always, customers never read these.

A couple of young men — missionaries from a local church I attend — placed an order this afternoon. It is now 9:30 in the evening, and the two men come walking in. Having served a two-year religious mission myself, I am well aware of the strict set of rules that young missionaries are required to follow. One of those rules is that they must be back to their apartment by 9:30.

Customer: “I need my pictures. I placed my order earlier.”

His tone is rude and demanding, which is very unbecoming for a person in his position.

Me: *Trying to sound polite* “Yes. I remember you coming in earlier to place your order. Unfortunately, as the sign says, we don’t guarantee same-day printing.”

Customer: *Getting angry* “But I was here earlier. I placed my photo order first.”

I’m not sure what he means by “first.” I assume it’s his way of trying to force me into printing his order.

Me: “I’m sorry, but there were many other customer orders in front of yours and it will not be ready until tomorrow.”

Customer: *Even angrier* “No, no. I placed my order first! I was here earlier today.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Customer: “Go print my photos now! I was here earlier today! I put my order in first!

Me: *Getting tired of his tone of voice* “Aren’t you guys supposed to be back at your apartment by now?”

Customer: “It’s our P-Day.”

This is another term for their “day off”.

Me: “I’m pretty sure, according to the rules handbook, that P-Day technically ends at six, after which, you’re supposed to be out teaching. Not to mention, you’re supposed to be in your apartment by 9:30 at the latest no matter what the day is.”

Customer: *Waving a dismissive hand at me* “What do you know? Get me my pictures.”

Me: “Actually, I just returned from my own mission service a year ago, so I know the rules very well. Also, if you would like, I could discuss this incident and your rude attitude with the bishop of our congregation, who also happens to be my father.”

The customer turned pale as a ghost and his companion pulled on his arm for them to leave. They never came back into my photo center again.

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And I Thought That Strapless Top I Wore Last Week Was Awkward

, , , , , , | Working | August 3, 2021

More than half of the attorneys I work for in my office are Jewish. We’re currently all working from home, and all our meetings with each other and clients are virtual.

At today’s meeting, our boss passes on a virtual meeting tip that someone who can’t attend today has shared: “Do not have a book with a Nazi symbol visible in the background, even if it’s just a book about the Third Reich.”

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Remaining Cool As A Cucumber

, , | Right | August 2, 2021

I am eighteen, working my first retail job. Two fraternity brothers are buying a cucumber, condoms, and KY-Jelly; the old college “make the clerk blush” game.

Fraternity Bro: “Would you like to be the third in our group?”

Me: *While pointing at the cucumber.* “Looks like you two already have your third.”

I’m the last of five kids who all worked at a bar and they were always telling me stories on how to handle people.

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One Day Customers Will Be Able To Do Shapes

, , | Right | August 3, 2021

A customer comes up to the counter with two perfumes she wants to have gift-wrapped separately. No problem.

The first round bottle I put in a pre-made gift bag. The second square box I gift wrap in paper.

I hand them to the customer who looks at them and asks:

Customer: “Do you remember which gift is which?”

I mentally slammed my head on the desk and politely explained it to her. And yes, a little part of me died.

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