It’s Going To Take A Winding Route(r) To Get There

, , , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(A customer has just asked me to answer some questions. In Australia, it is still the norm to have data-limited plans for home Internet, although many ISPs sell higher-tier unlimited plans.)

Customer: “So, will this ADSL modem and router give me unlimited Internet?”

Me: “Yes, if you pay your ISP for such a service; the router is not what stops you from getting unlimited data.”

Customer: “So, the router will give me unlimited Internet?”

The Key To A Failed Relationship

, , , , | Romantic | October 15, 2018

(I’m standing in the front of our store, cleaning tables and cabinetry, when I hear some shouting. Across the parking lot, in front of the local corner store, a young guy and girl — probably both about twenty years old — are arguing. Not really caring and wanting to finish up, I ignore them and continue working. About two hours later I happen to look out the front door again and see a guy shirtless on the roof of the corner store. Thinking he’s doing some stupid dare with his friends who are all standing in the parking lot looking at him, I call the store.)

Store Clerk: “Hello.”

Me: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that there is some half-naked guy walking around on your roof.”

Store Clerk: “Yeah, he’s up there looking for his keys. He and his girlfriend had a fight earlier out front, and he got angry and threw his own keys on the roof somewhere.”

Me: “Oh, wow. Well, I hope he finds them, I guess. Sorry for wasting your time.”

(He came down after a couple of hours and hadn’t found his keys. His car got towed the next day. It’s now been over six months, and a set of keys are still on that roof somewhere.)

Bra-ce Yourself For A Weird Conversation

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2018

(I work hiring out animals for children to ride. On slow days I spend a lot of time reading, often sitting on said animals, as I don’t have another chair. An older woman approaches me while I am reading.)

Customer: *in a slightly accented voice* “What a good idea!”

Me: “Yeah, the kids love it.”

Customer: “Smart idea, good thinking.” *says something I don’t understand*

Me: *smiles and curses my poor hearing* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “I can’t get a good bra.” *gestures at nearby clothes store*

Me: *smile now frozen* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “I can’t reach behind me because my hand is broken, and they never have ones that button in front.”

Me: *too dumbfounded to figure out way to end this* “That’s too bad.”

Customer: “I can make them do up in front — sew them back together and put buttons in — but they’re never in white. Always with spots. Can’t have spots, not on stage.”

Me: *cursing my life and politeness* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “Wish they would employ me here.” *gestures at my desk* “Back home they do not; they say, ‘You belong on stage, not working.’ Wonder what would happen if I got on the table and started singing?”

Me: *thinking* “Nothing great.”

Customer: “But I can never find a good bra. No good ones here.”

This Kind Of Stupid Shouldn’t Be Legal

, , , , , , | Legal | October 12, 2018

(I am lawyer who works at a legal office. I open some mail addressed to me. A letter says that a lady has sued one of my clients without going to court and is ordering him to pay $100,000 or she will leak confidential information. I call my client and inform him of this, and he tells me not to worry about the bluff and to just bin it. In about two weeks I get a phone call from my client in a panic.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. How are you today?:

Client: “Not f****** good!”

Me: “What is the problem, sir?”

Client: “You know that weird lady?”

Me: “Yes, what did she do?”

Client: “Well, she posted all this stuff all over my Facebook wall that was not true. I am now getting terrible messages saying stuff that I am not. I am losing customers from my online shops and everything!”

Me: “Okay, do not delete the messages. Copy every message and send them to me for evidence. Just get off that account while I work on this for you.”

Client: “So, you want these message sent to you?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(The client sends the messages. We decide to sue for defamation since she has said stuff that is not true and he has now suffered financial loss because of it. Fast-forward about six months. We are about to have our hearing in court when I drop by the office on Saturday to collect some files. I walk in and see the lady that is in the court case ruffling through my files.)

Me: “Hey, [Lady], get out of there! You are not permitted to be here, and this is trespassing.”

Lady: “Oh, f*** off, you little b****. I am taking this evidence so you won’t be able to do anything to me anymore!”

Me: “Listen, we have security cameras rolling 24/7 here. In fact, your face has been on camera the entire time.”

Lady: “I don’t care! They don’t know it is me—”

Me: “It records audio, as well, and you just admitted to a crime.”

Lady: “But—” *sprints to the front door that is locked*

Me: “That door is locked.”

(I call the police while she is struggling with the door.)

Lady: “Let me out!”

Me: “Police have been called; please remain here.”

(The police arrive soon after the call and handcuff her.)

Me: “I would like to press charges on her, please; she has broken a lot of laws!”

Lady: “Oh, go f*** yourself!”

Me: “I will. Have a nice time!”

(I got a call on Monday… Guess who wanted me as their lawyer?)

The Pharmacy Version Of “I’m Looking For A Book That’s Red”

, , , , | Healthy Right | October 10, 2018

Customer: “I need to get a repeat on my medication. I’ve ran out of the script so can you give me an owning? I’ve been here many times.”

Me: “Sure, that shouldn’t be a problem. Can you give me your name and the name of the medication you want owning?”

Customer: “My name is [Customer] and I don’t know what the medication is called.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you know what the medication is for?”

Customer; “No. Just look up the medication I’m on.”

Me: “You’re on a few different medications.”

Customer: “It’s a little white tablet.”

Me: “All but one of the five medications you are on are white. Box or bottle?”

Customer: “No idea. Just give me an owing.”

Me: “Sir, sorry, but without know what the medication is for or what it is called, I cannot give you an owing. But would you know what it is if I showed you the packages it comes in?.”

(I quickly grab a few bottles and boxes of medications that the customer is on, hoping it jogs his memory.)

Customer: “Nope. I don’t know which one it is. Just give me an owing. It’s a little white pill! You’re suppose to know what I want!”

Me: “Sir, as I said, a few of your medications you are on are small white pills., I’m sorry but I want to make sure I am giving you the right medication. Are you sure you don’t know what the medication is called or what it is used for?”

Customer: “You’re no help. You’re suppose to know what I want!”  *leaves the store*

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