A Sickening Amount Of Competition

, , | Friendly | August 20, 2017

(I know someone who seems to think that any illnesses are like a competition. She’s rung me and I’ve croakingly answered the phone.)

Friend: “Oh, my God, [My Name], what is wrong with your voice?”

Me: “I’ve been sick all weekend.”

Friend: “Oh, no. Does it help that I’ve got a bad back today?”

(WTF? Does it help? No, I’m not in some sort of competition. She does this all the time.)

Should Think Before You Ink

, , , | Romantic | August 18, 2017

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)

Customer: “[My Name]… Is that really your name or just a name tag?”

Me: “It’s my real name.”

Customer: “Want to see something funny, [My Name]?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The customer proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo just above quite a sensitive region that says “Property of [My Name]”!)

Me: “Oh, wow!”

Customer: “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Me: “Ex-girlfriend?”

Customer: “Got it in one.”

Me: “That’s why I’ve vowed never to get a partner’s name tattooed.”

Customer: “I have ten girl’s names on me. Oh, wait, nine. I got one covered up.”

Me: “Well, we all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Yeah… Some of us nine or ten times more than others.”

(I love that he had such a great sense of humour about it!)

Your Professor Is Not Professor. X

, , , | Learning | August 16, 2017

(During every lecture, our professor gives us a two question quiz on paper, which you hand in at the end. You would think after successfully completing thirteen years of school, students would know to put their name on anything they are handing in, but alas, they apparently have not learned. At the end of lecture:)

Professor: “Make sure you put your name on it! I do hold it up to the light and try to feel your psychic signature, but if that doesn’t work… it goes straight in the bin.”

That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome

, , , , , , | Hopeless | August 15, 2017

(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best, and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

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Knows Zip About The Situation

, , , | Learning | August 15, 2017

(I’m the only IT person for a high school with over 200 computers. As such, I can’t routinely check all computer rooms, and there is a habit of peripherals (mostly mice) going missing. When I can, I zip-tie cables together to help reduce this. A few students from one class spill over into an adjacent computer room. There are about 7 students and there are 28 computers in this room.)

Me: *to the teacher* “Oh, is this spill over because there aren’t enough computers in there?”

Teacher: “Yeah, and a few don’t have a mouse.”

Me: “That’s why I’m in here zip-tying stuff down so hopefully that stops happening.”

(The student sits at one computer, which is next to one I’d just done and begins pulling at the zip-tied mouse on the adjacent computer. The units are tiny, so it also causes the unit to start lifting while he fiddles. It should also be noted there is absolutely no one else sitting in that row.)

Teacher: *exchanging a curious and worried look with me* “[Student]… what are you doing?”

Student: “Well, there’s no mouse on this computer. And this one here is zip-tied down.”

Me: *looking at the large bundle of zip ties in my hand* “Yes… Yes, it is. You could just move to one of the other computers… like, the two on either side of you that have mice and no one sitting at them… Or one of the others on that whole other side of the room that also has no one else sitting at them…”

Student: *silence as he considers this briefly and then shuffles over to the one next to him*

(To make matters worse, the student had been right near us when we were discussing why cables were getting zip-tied and we were speaking rather audibly.)

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