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I Have Half A Mind To Call You A Rude Name

, , , | Right | December 5, 2022

I’m working at an indie pizza place. A couple comes to the counter and orders a half-meat-lovers, half-vegetarian pizza. That may sound odd, but it is actually a common order at the shop; the veggie pizza just tastes that good.

The order is made up and sent out to the table. Moments later, the girlfriend is at the counter ranting at us.

Girlfriend: “The meat juices are running onto the vegetarian side of the pizza! You should have known this wasn’t acceptable!”

Eventually, she storms off, and her tired-looking boyfriend comes up to get a takeaway box for the pizza.

Me: “Sorry again. If we’d known the two sides weren’t allowed to touch, we would have suggested two small pizzas instead of a half-and-half.”

Boyfriend: *Sighs* “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

He goes to get his girlfriend and leave.

The next customer comes up and says, loud enough for the whole shop to hear:

Customer: “A large pizza, please, half meat-lovers, half vegetarian. And we don’t care if the two halves touch.”

If You Can’t Convince ‘Em, Confuse ‘Em!

, , , , , | Working | December 4, 2022

While I’m staying with my uncle and his family for a few days, the house phone rings and he asks me to answer it because I’m closest.

Telemarketer: “Hello, can I please speak to Mr. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “You said that — which one? The son or the father?”

Telemarketer: “I don’t have time for this. The adult Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name]! The owner of this address.”

Me: “Yeah, but they’re married; they’re both Mr. [Last Name].”

Telemarketer: “Just give me the homeowner!”

Me: “Oh, in that case, no one; we’re renting.”

Telemarketer: *Click*

Cousin: “Wait, Dad didn’t take Pop’s last name.”

Me: “Huh, you’re right. I guess Uncle Glenn is the only Mr. [Last Name] here after all.”

One Click Too Many

, , , , , | Right | December 2, 2022

I have worked in computer repair for most of my working life. One day, back in about 2008 or 2009, I answered a phone call from a customer whose Internet was not working. I was trying to get her to reset the Internet settings in her browser. I’ve walked several customers through this process already, and it usually only takes a minute.

Me: “Can you open Internet Explorer?”

Customer: “Okay, I have done that, but it just says Page Not Found.”

Me: “That’s okay; we’ll try to solve that. If you look near the top right of your screen, you should see a small icon that looks like a cog or a gear. It will probably be just a bit below the red X.”

Customer: “Yes, I can see it.”

Me: “Can you click on it?”

Customer: “Okay, I’ve done that.”

Me: “There should be a menu that pops down, and it should have ‘Internet Options’ at the bottom.”

Customer: “Yes, I can see that.”

Me: “Can you click on ‘Internet Options’?”

Customer: “No, sorry, I can’t do that.”

Me: “Um, oh… Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It’s too hard. Sorry, I really don’t know much about computers.”

Me: “Don’t worry too much. I’ll tell you exactly what to click on. This will only take a few more seconds. I just need you to click on ‘Internet Options’.”

Customer: “Sorry, I can’t do it. It’s too hard.” *Click*

What I find hilarious is that she had already clicked on a few buttons as I was walking her through it. I really don’t see why it suddenly got so much harder.

Proximity Is Often Inversely Correlated With Lateness

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 2, 2022

I overheard this in a group project workshop.

Student #1: “Ah, sorry we’re late! Traffic, you know?”

Student #2: “YOU LIVE ON CAMPUS!”

Autocorrect May Need To Talk To Human Resources

, , , , , , , , , , | Working | December 1, 2022

A former (and lovely) boss of mine was called Joanna, but everyone referred to her as Jo.

During lockdown, we were all working from home and would communicate mostly via email or online messaging.

She’d often send us information, to which I would reply, “Thanks, Jo,” but the stupid autocorrect on my phone changed the J to H, so I once replied to my boss, “Thanks, Ho!”


Autocorrect Picks The Weirdest Words
Autocorrect Has Daddy Issues
Autocorrect Rears Its Ugly Head Again
Autocorrect Causing Friction Once Again
Autocorrect Is Cat-atonic