How Tired Is Your Soul?

, , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(A customer of about college age comes in to the store. We’re going to close the store in ten minutes and it’s dark out.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I have the souls of the innocent, please?”

Me: *confused* “Er… could you repeat that, sir?”

Customer: *slightly irritated* “Can I have the souls of the d***ed, please?”

Me: “Sir, we’re a fast food place, and we don’t dabble in black magic of any kind.”

Customer: “What?”

(I then notice the dark bags under his eyes and realise he’s either high, tired, or both.)

Me: “You asked for the souls of the innocent?”

Customer: “S***. Sorry, I haven’t slept properly since Monday… seven years ago.”

Me: *laughs* “Well, it’s okay. What can I actually get you?”

(The rest of the order went without a hitch, but he was very embarrassed and apologised the entire time he was in the store.)

A Sixth Sense That It’s The Sixth Month

, , , , , , | General | June 21, 2018

(I have a bad cold and need a medical certificate for work. I go to the walk-in clinic in my area, and the receptionist asks for my public health care card. I pass it to her.)

Receptionist: “Do you have a current one?”

Me: “Isn’t that current?”

Receptionist: “It’s expired; I can’t accept it.”

Me: “What? I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

Receptionist: *she flips it around to show me, and taps on the expiry date*

Me: “Um, that’s not expired.”

Receptionist: *she taps it again*

Me: “That says 07-18.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “It’s June.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “June is the sixth month.”

Receptionist: “Wait.” *she checks something on her computer* “SO IT IS! Okay, the wait is currently half an hour; take a seat and we will call you when you’re up!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Receptionist: “And keep an eye out in the mail for your new card!”

Me: “I will!”

Unfiltered Story #115174

, | Unfiltered | June 21, 2018

[An older, completely Caucasian man walks up to be served.]

Me: Hello! What can I get for you today?

Old man: Can I get a quarter of roast chicken?

Me: Leg or a wing?

Customer: Wing.

Me: Would you like some rice or another side-dish with that? *I gesture to the fried rice, baked potato and pasta options, etc.*

Customer: Oh, yes! Rice! I love my rice! That’s why I’ve got these slanty eyes! *stretches out the corners of his eyes in an offensive fashion*

Me: …

Unfiltered Story #115170

, , | Unfiltered | June 21, 2018

(My 16-year-old sister – a goth with a somewhat twisted sense of humour – is applying for her first job. As a result, our mother – who had recently had surgery on her ankle – convinced me to drive them to the bank so that she could get an account in her name (up until this point, she had just used a debit card connected to one of our father’s accounts). At this point, all that is left to do is for my sister to choose what colour she would like her debit card to be – blue, black or pink. It is also worth noting that my sister (for some reason) was wearing a pink singlet with a band’s album cover on it that day.)
Employee: So… all we have to do now is select what colour you’d like the card to be. We can do pink, if you’d like.
(A look of something between dread and disgust flashes across my sister’s face.)
Sister: …No thanks. What other colours are there?
Employee: Um… there’s blue or black.
Sister: I’ll have the card be black then. Just like my soul.
(Cue everyone within earshot cracking up laughing)

Acting Like The First Three Letters From “Assume”

, , , , , | Friendly | June 20, 2018

(I’m walking my dog in the park, when I get hit in the back of my head. I turn around.)

Woman: “NEVER ASSUME, YOU BI— Oh, wrong person.”

(She then trots away like nothing happened. I am standing there in shock of the spontaneous attack.)

Me: “Did she just assume I was someone else, and then yell at me for assuming?”

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