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Thanks For Being Stupid, Scammers!

, , , , , , , | Legal | October 28, 2021

I’m walking in the city when a woman stops me. Through broken English, she explains she is new to the country and lost. She doesn’t want money but does ask if I can walk her to the bus station. She seems quite helpless and nice, so I start to walk with her, but before I know it, I’m surrounded and feel very vulnerable. 

Me: “The bus station is just down there.”

I pick up speed.

Woman: “Wait, walk with me some more.”

Me: “Nope.”

The others start to pick up speed, too. Clearly, this is a setup for pickpocketing or worse. I run toward a shop and dart inside. They call the police and, to my surprise, the group waits outside.

The police arrive and they speak to the group before coming inside.

Police: “I’m told that you took something from that woman and ran off.”

Me: “Is that what they told you? No, they started to follow me. I think it was a pickpocket scam.”

Police: “They allege you took money and jewellery.”

Me: “I doubt they gave you any description. Keep things vague, huh?”

Police: “I’m just telling you the information they gave me. Do you have any cash or jewellery on you?”

Me: “No, I don’t carry cash on me. And the only jewellery I have is my wedding ring, but look: it’s inscribed.”

I take off my ring and show it to him. He hands it back to me and tells me to stay inside. He speaks to the crowd, and when backup arrives, they arrest all of them that don’t run off. I head back outside.

Me: “So…”

Police: “We have everything we need.”

Me: “Do I need to give a statement or anything?”

Police: “Please do when you next have a chance to, but it’s unlikely we will be able to bring any charges against them on that front.”

Me: “But you’re arresting them anyway?”

Police: “Oh, yes. They gave fake names; however, the fake names were already wanted. Luckily, one of the officers recognised them and we believe them to be wanted on a number of other charges.”

Me: “Not the brightest criminals.”

Police: “And yet far from the worst. Stay safe.”

This Person Doesn’t Deserve Beer Delivery

, , | Right | November 6, 2021

I am making a beer delivery. I knock on the door and hear a man inside say, “Come in!” I walk in and see a man sitting there naked.

Me: “That is not cool, man. What if I’d been a female?”

Guy: “If you were a cute girl, I’d have offered you a beer.”

I made sure dispatch knew not to send girls there.

Sounds Like Everyone Needs A Vacation

, , , , , , , , | Working | November 1, 2021

It’s three days before I go on a nine-day vacation, including a four-day trip to Disneyland for my birthday and my youngest sibling’s graduation. Since my mom told me about this early, I asked for the time off back at the start of June when we changed our time clock system. It is now the last week of July.

The department manager is in the head office working on the next week’s schedule to be issued today. The department phone rings and is answered by [Coworker #1].

Coworker #1: “Hey, [Department Manager] is on the phone asking for you.”

Coworker #2: *Joking* “Oh, sorry, you can’t go on vacation.”

I laugh and walk over and pick up the phone.

Me: “Yes?”

Department Manager: “Hey, next week, [Other Store] needs a closer—”

Me: “Next week when I’m on vacation?”

Department Manager: “You’re on what? I don’t have you on vacation.”

Me: *Pauses* “I asked for it like two months ago.”

Department Manager: “I don’t have it in writing.”

Me: “Well, no, because I put it into the new system.”

Department Manager: “You needed to put it in writing.”

Me: “You guys decided that two weeks after I asked and [Store Assistant Manager] assured me it was in the system and I didn’t have to submit it again.”

Department Manager: “I make your schedule, not him. I knew nothing about this.”

Me: *Thinking* “Okay, pretty sure everyone else does.” *Out loud* “Well, we have an issue then, because I can’t cancel, and I asked well in advance and was told by the second highest manager in the store that it was done.”

After a little more back and forth, he agrees to put it in because the system screwed me. I walk back up to the front of the department and point to [Coworker #2].

Me: “It’s not funny when you’re right.”

Coworker #2: “WHAT?!

Me: “He had no idea I was going on vacation.”

Literally Every Coworker Who Heard Me: “HE WHAT?! HOW?!”

This is still infinitely better than my former store and manager, and when I talked to him later, my manager agreed that Disneyland from Monday to Thursday was a non-negotiable trip.

Those Sure Are Some Hot Decorating Skills

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 3, 2021

I’m sitting at home watching TV when I hear sirens approaching, and it sounds like they’ve stopped quite close to my house. Curious, I head outside and see fire engines stopped at the house two doors down. My next-door neighbor has also headed outside to look.

Me: “What happened?”

Neighbor: “Oh, the people in that house, they’re idiots! Do you know what they put in the backyard? A Gilligan hut!”

Me: “Gilligan hut?”

Neighbor: “A straw-roofed hut, like on Gilligan’s Island! And do you know what else they put in the backyard?”

Me: “What?”

Neighbor: “A fire pit! How did they think that was gonna go?”

The fire brigade’s presence certainly provided enough of a clue as to how it went.

Surprise! I Pick Door Number Three!

, , , , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2021

A few years ago, I had a rental car reservation in Los Angeles. After I filled out the paperwork, the agent asked:

Agent #1: “Do you want the full insurance or just the basic?”

Communication is more than simply words; body language, tone of voice, and context actually give more information than the literal meaning. It was obvious he was presenting me a binary choice. I wasn’t having it.

Me: “I’ll take the ‘No Insurance’.”

I got the car without further upselling.

As it happened, I was in Boston a few weeks later, this time renting a car from a different company. When I got to the counter, the agent asked the same question, word-for-word, with the same implication that I HAD to take one or the other. Funny how the con magically migrated across the continent AND between companies.

This time, I was prepared.

Me: “Would you like me to complain to corporate or just your manager?”

The agent got a deer in the headlights look and stammered:

Agent #2: “I was just telling you that you have those options.”

Me: “I’m sure. Let me speak to your manager.”

The manager came out but brushed me off when I asked if this was a sales technique he condoned. I wrote to the corporate office but never got a reply. I can’t wait until I have to rent a car again.