The best of our most recent stories!

Primer Yourself For Lots Of Questions

, , , , , | Right | May 20, 2021

I am redoing some makeup displays when an old woman approaches me.

Customer: “Excuse me, but I need your help.”

I cringe because I dealt with this lady last week and she was a nightmare.

Customer: “I’m looking for a concealer, but I want it to be cheap.”

I take her over to the cheapest brand our store carries that has a pretty good selection for a variety of products.

Customer: “I want coverage to help cover up dark spots. I don’t want anything matte—” *pronounced as “mate”* “—and I don’t want anything too heavy.”

I show her a concealer that’s $6.

Customer: “I also want a powder that covers everything but doesn’t have a color because I hate wearing makeup. I hate anything too heavy. I don’t like loose powders and I don’t like pressed powders.”

I’m literally at a loss for what to do because she wants it all as cheap as possible and wants a powder that isn’t a powder and doesn’t want any liquid product at all. I show her all the options we have for forty minutes but she isn’t listening to anything I say and keeps getting distracted by random products.

Customer: “What’s a primer? Will that make me glowy and not ‘mate’?”

Me: “It’s meant to go under your makeup, and yes, it can make you more glowy as each primer does a different thing. It won’t really cover anything up, though, because like I said, it’s meant to go under makeup and just make it last longer and provide a smoother canvas.”

Customer: “What’s the difference between that and highlighter? Can I use highlighter to set my face?”

Me: “Highlighter is meant more to accentuate the high points of your face. They are glowy, yes, but most of the powders that we have are more shimmery and have glitter in them. They also have a tint so it could give your face a champagne or pink cast.”

We continue to look at every brand and I keep having to remind her that translucent powders do not have coverage and just help set makeup down. It’s getting to the last ten minutes of my shift and I still have a huge mess to clean up from rearranging the displays and I feel bad since I’m off the next three days and I don’t want to leave it for my coworker.

Since she continues to only listen to what she wants to and pretty much ignores any actual help such as even explaining products and brands we don’t carry which might suit her better at other stores, I grab a loose highlighting powder that is relatively flesh-toned and hand it to her as I’m just emotionally done at this point.

Me: “This is a loose highlighting powder that you can use with a powder brush to put on your face so you will be glowy, but since you’re using a fluffier brush to more evenly distribute the powder it shouldn’t be as blinding. It’s also the cheapest brand we have.”

Customer: “Perfect! Thank you so much.”

I hightailed it to my stock room to put away my stuff before she could stop me with other questions and then I quickly clocked out.

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They Don’t Have A Leg To Stand On

, , , | Legal | May 21, 2021

I get a scam call. I decide to have some fun messing with them.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “I am calling about your car’s extended warranty that is about to expire.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a car because I don’t have legs.”

Scammer: *Long pause* “Oh, I’m… um… sorry.” *Click*

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An Unrefined System

, , , , | Working | May 5, 2021

I’m an analytical chemist in the petroleum industry. I’m attached to a refining pilot plant where we test products related to refining. The data I produce supports various other groups. My lab is staffed by me — senior chemist — and a temp/contractor lab tech.

Due to the health crisis, an edict came from high up in the corporate pantheon that we weren’t allowed to carry over any vacation time this year; I’m usually allowed to carry over five days. I guess they were worried about people banking up too much time and leaving various groups critically understaffed when too many people took vacation time at once — never mind that vacation time has to be approved. This being America with lax labor protections, this is all perfectly legal.

My boss emailed me.

Boss: “You have five and a half days left of vacation time, and I’ve been told to tell you to use it or lose it.”

I looked at our holiday schedule and figured out that strategic use of vacation and holiday time meant I could take two consecutive weeks off. I told my boss this.

Boss: “Well, if they didn’t want you to use it all at once, they shouldn’t force you to use it all at once.”

She approved my plan.

So, the lab will be critically understaffed for two weeks — what they were trying to avoid — because I am doing what I was told. Not sure what the other departments are going to do but it won’t be anything that requires data from the pilot plant.

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But ConspiracyNut69 On An Online Forum Said It’s Fake!

, , , , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

My dad got his bachelor’s in industrial engineering from Cornell — on a full academic scholarship no less! — and his master’s in public health from Harvard, both in the 1970s. He has spent the last forty-four years of his life with his job being his biggest passion other than my mother, my sister, and me.

A year into the health crisis, and fully vaccinated, he goes to the grocery store for the first time in a year. Another customer walks in behind him, not properly masked.

Store Employee: “Sir, please pull your mask up.”

Other Customer: “Oh, that doesn’t matter.”

Store Manager: “Actually, sir, it’s our rules that you have to wear your mask properly.”

Other Customer: “I have my right to my beliefs!” *Blah blah* “First amendment!” *Blah blah* “You have no right to make me!”

My dad steps in.

Dad: “Actually, sir, you really should wear it as a matter of public health; it protects you but also everyone else. We need to protect both ourselves and each other with this going around.”

The customer whips around to face my dad and snarls.

Other Customer: “Oh, yeah?! Where’d you get your degree in public health?!”

Dad: “Harvard.”

The other customer stomps out of the store while the manager laughs. Dad approaches the manager.

Dad: “Sorry for losing you a customer.”

Store Manager: “Were you serious or just trolling a troll?”

Dad: “No, I really have a master’s in public health!”

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This Teacher Is A Breath Of Fresh Air

, , , , , , | Learning | May 17, 2021

When I was in secondary school, we had a young science teacher who was very popular but also sometimes a bit absent-minded. One day, he was teaching about chlorine and, of course, making chlorine gas in the fume cupboard. Having produced enough to make it look suitably impressive, he turned to the class, who was watching in rapt attention.

Teacher: “Now, this is a gas that was used as a weapon in the First World War. It must therefore be treated with great care. Most importantly, you must never do… this!”

He put his head inside the fume cupboard and inhaled deeply. Yes, he gassed himself. He staggered back, coughing and spluttering, and spent the rest of the day — thankfully a nice sunny summer’s day — sitting outside in the school grounds, breathing clean air.

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