The best of our most recent stories!

She’s On The Top Stair Of Entitlement

, , , | Right | May 15, 2021

Customer: “Can you help me load my groceries?”

Me: “Sure.”

I go out and help her load the groceries into her car. Then, I turn with the cart to take it back to the store.

Customer: “Where are you going?!”

I stop and quickly check the cart to see if I am accidentally taking away a bag I missed or something, but the cart is empty.

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I need help unloading my groceries.”

Me: *Completely confused* “You want me to unload your groceries?”

Customer: “Yes. I need help carrying them up the stairs.”

Me: “What stairs?”

Customer: *Actually rolling her eyes* “To my apartment.”

I pause as it finally dawns on me what she is asking.

Me: “I… am not going to ride to your apartment to unload your groceries.”

Customer: “What?! Why not?!”

Me: “Because I don’t know you!”

I should have said something like, “Because that’s crazy talk,” or, “Because that’s not my job,” but apparently, “I don’t know you,” was enough to jog her brain and get her to realize that she’d been trying to ask a complete stranger to get in her car and drive with her to her house. She immediately jumped into her car and quickly pulled out.

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Making A Lot Of Noise To Stop A Lot Of Noise

, , , , , , , | Right | May 14, 2021

I stop at the local sporting goods store to get bait. I can hear a commotion before I even go into the store; someone is screaming, threatening, etc.

I get my bait and go to stand in line to check out; I am fourth in line. First in line is this woman who’s literally screaming.

Customer #1: “I’ll sue!”

Customer #1: “I demand…”

Customer #1: “I want…”

Customer #1: “You’d better….”

The poor two employees are trying to calm her down. [Customer #2] in line, a small fellow, turns to us with an index finger up in the “give me a moment” posture, steps out of line, and goes back into the aisles. He returns with an air horn can.

He then blasts the screaming woman with the air horn. She turns to scream at him, and he blasts her again. Every time she opens her mouth, he gives another blast until she storms out of the store, still screaming.

[Customer #2] walks up to the counter, put his purchases down, and hands the air-horn to the checker:

Customer #2: “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything. I just wanted to try this out to make sure it worked; just add it to the rest of my stuff.”

The two employees look at each other.

Employee: “Since it has been used, it is now damaged goods, and we can’t sell it to you. You can keep it, no charge.”

The tension which has built up within the store dissipates and turns to laughter.

Customer # 2: “What was that all about?”

Employee: “We have no idea. She came in like that and we never did understand what the problem was. We sincerely thank you for all of your purchases.”

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You Can Remember Some Of The Papal Some Of The Time

, , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2021

My aunt one day meets the local priest somewhere in their very small hometown, where everybody knows everyone. After exchanging the usual greetings, the priest asks her:

Priest: “So, how is your husband doing?”

Aunt: “You tell me; you buried him last year!”

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Only Has Half The Facts

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2021

I work in a café that is also a bakery. Every now and then, we change our menu; something may not sell well, so we discontinue it and give our customers something else that’s brand-new. Of course, we’re all kept up to date about what we sell and don’t sell anymore, but some of our customers like to think they know way better than we do and it can be frighteningly easy to call someone’s bluff.

Customer: “Can I get a half-salad?”

We stopped selling half-salads more than two years ago. All of our salads are one size only.

Coworker: “I’m sorry, we only do full salads now.”

Customer: *Condescendingly* “How long have you worked at this job? You must be new at this.”

Coworker: “Actually, I’ve been here more than two years.”

Customer: “No, you must be new. I’ve been a loyal customer for more than two years and you always have half-salads. I bought a half-salad just last week.”

This went back and forth for a good while, and the rest of us had to roll our eyes and pity our poor coworker. Either this lady honestly confused us with another store, or she was trying to scam us.

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Your First Dance Will Be Your Last

, , , , , | Romantic | May 14, 2021

I was asked to be the best man at a friend’s wedding a good twelve or so years ago. He was an ex-serviceman and she was his childhood sweetheart.

I’d been friends with the groom for upwards of twenty years and known the bride for close to ten. They’d been together the better part of a decade and they always got on, so no one was surprised when they announced their wedding, and everyone expected things to go off without a hitch.

Roll forward a couple of months. The groom showed up at my place unannounced.

Groom: “[Bride] and I just had a huge argument!”

The guy was upset, but a couple of drinks later, he laid out what had happened. He’d been happy to go along with the bride’s plans with one exception: he didn’t want to do the first dance. Why, you ask? He’d been discharged from the service due to losing a lower leg to an IED in the Middle East. He wasn’t exactly fire on the dance floor to start with, and he was as graceful as a hippo now. He also hates doing things that draw attention to his disability, which is understandable. He was going along with a lot of other things that he definitely didn’t really want to do and this was his line in the sand.

He stayed the night at my place, and the day after, we went back to his place as a duo and, with me as mediator, we managed to work it out after a lengthy back and forth with a fair amount of shouting and tears. His bride finally agreed to no dance for his sake and things moved on.

Months later, the big day arrived and it went off great. The weather was flawless, everything came together great, we got through the ceremony, the meals, and the speeches, and it was on to the reception.

It was 7:50 pm and the cake cutting was down for 8:00 pm, so I was gathering outliers back to the main room for that when I heard the DJ get on the mic.

DJ: *Loudly* “Okay, everybody, it’s time for the newlyweds’ first dance!”

I hurried into the room to find the bride centre stage on the dance floor, staring down the groom, who was just the most enraged I’d ever seen him.

Bride: “Come here, [Groom]. It’s dance time!”

He walked over to her, pulled his wedding ring off, and threw it in her face. Then, he walked out, making the “cut it off” gesture to the DJ. He left everyone in shocked silence, and a few seconds later, I got my jaw up off the floor and followed him as the bride went into a meltdown where she stood.

I found the groom stalking through the car park outside and had to physically grip him to get him to calm down. I’d got him at least calm enough to be lucid again when the bride’s mother stomped round the corner and began screaming at the groom, which prompted him to go off again.

Me: “Hey! [Bride] promised him she wouldn’t do this and embarrass him, and yet here we are!”

This shouting match went on for quite some time, until, eventually:

Groom: “[My Name], get me out of here.”

I got a taxi down and we bailed out back to my house so he could cool off.

Early afternoon the day after, the bride knocked on my door.

Bride: “I know [Groom] is in there!”

Groom: “F*** OFF!”

She tried to push past me and I blocked her.

Me: “Just to remind you, this is my house.”

She settled for screaming round me at him. He eventually got fed up and came and stood behind me and spelled it out in the kind of voice you can only manage when you’re restraining unbearable rage.

Groom: “You lied to me, put me on the spot, and shattered my trust in you. How can I continue after that? If you’re willing to lie about something like that, how can I trust you to do anything?”

She tried to counter him but ran out of steam as he kept going, and he ended by saying that he wanted the marriage annulled. She burst into tears and left.

The marriage was annulled not long after. Unsurprisingly, they don’t keep in touch. The groom remarried three years ago with the same request, this time respectfully held by his new wife. The bride moved out of the area shortly after the marriage collapsed and I’ve heard no news of her since.

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