Childhood Innocence Is A Gift

, , | Right | March 21, 2018

(In the store where I work, we offer to gift-wrap the items that are purchased. Since we do this all year round, we generally have it down to a science. A customer and her little daughter buy a gift. I wrap it and do my regular swirl to gather up the ribbons in a bow.)

Little Girl: *upon seeing the bow* “Wow! Are your hands magical?”

Me: “Yep, everyone at [Store] has magic hands. They hand them out when we start working.”

Little Girl: “Oooh.”

Getting Crabby About The Meat

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working as a bartender in a large chain restaurant. I have a customer who is perusing the appetizer menu.)

Customer: “Do you guys make your seafood nachos with real crab meat?”

Me: *smiling ruefully* “No, they are actually made with imitation crab meat.”

Customer: *victoriously* “So, you can’t really call them, ‘seafood nachos,’ can you?”

Me: “Well, sir, the imitation crab meat is Alaskan Pollock, so yeah, we pretty much can.”

Customer: *hmph*

Lazy To The Letter

, , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I work at a pharmacy, general store, and post office all in the same building. Most of the time, people see the sign for the post office on the outside but don’t know if it’s in our store or somewhere next to us, and once inside, they’re not sure where it is. A really preppy older lady walks into the store with some mail in her hands and comes up to me.)

Lady: “Excuse me, but where is the post office? I saw the sign outside but don’t see a door for it out there.”

Me: “Oh, the post office is inside this building, right to the back.” *I point to the back*

Lady: “Why is it there?”

Me: “Um, because that’s the way it was built.”

Lady: “Why doesn’t it have its own place?”

Me: “It’s just the way it is, really.”

Lady: “But I don’t want to walk all the way back there, though.”

Me: “Well, I guess your letters just won’t get sent, then.”

Lady: “Fine!” *stomps out*

They Can Be Found On Aisle 69

, , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I’m working on setting up an end cap for our “Back to Business” promotion when an attractive woman in her late 20s walks up to me.)

Customer: “I’m wondering if you have any cocks?”

Me: *after taking a moment to register what I thought she said* “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I’m looking for cocks and was told you might have some here.”

(Thinking I may have slightly misheard her, I assumed she was talking about caulk.)

Me: “Normally, we don’t sell the stuff, but occasionally an online order will get returned and find its way to the fastener section. Let’s go see if there’s anything floating around there.”

(We go to that section and, of course, I don’t see anything. That’s when the customer speaks up.)

Customer: “That seems weird. Why would waw cocks be put in with goo and binder kips?”

(Sudden realization happens. She has a slight speech impediment that seems to be preventing her from saying her Ls.)

Me: “Oh! Wall clocks! They’re right this way.”

(Most awkward conversation I’ve had in quite some time. Thankfully, she left happy and didn’t seem to notice my slight discomfort from the initial question.)

Assault By Battery

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am in the middle of helping a customer find a picture light to hang above her painting.)

Me: “Were you looking to power it by batteries, plug it in, or hardwire it?”

Customer: “Definitely not batteries. I can’t have batteries. I’m allergic.”

Me: “You’re… allergic? To batteries?”

Customer: “Yes, one of them split open on me once, and I got a horrible rash from the stuff inside!”

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