That Return Is A Pipe Dream

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(I am the assistant manager at a head shop in a non-legal state, so everything we sell is “for tobacco use only.” For obvious reasons, we do not accept ANY returns. We have signs all over our store that state this. A customer came in and insists on trying to return a used water-pipe.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but due to the nature of our products we can’t accept any returns.”

Customer: “That’s not fair! I didn’t know that before I bought this. You should have told me!”

Me: “Sir, we do have signs displaying our policy, and it’s printed in the receipt as well. I’m sorry we can’t help you, but taking back items like this could endanger our business. Is the product defective? We might be able to offer a discount on a different item.”

Customer: “No, but I found a better deal at [Different Head Shop] and I want that one instead. You have to take it back!”

(I get the manager, we go back and forth like this for a minute. Then, what is honestly the craziest thing I’ve ever seen at my job happens.)

Customer: “This is against the law; this is against my rights! I’m going to call the cops on you!”

Manager: *in a total state of disbelief, because the water-pipe had clearly been used for something that is illegal in our state* “Sir, I’m sorry you’re so upset, but we really can’t return this. If you feel the need to call the police, I can’t stop you.”

(The customer proceeded to actually call the police, who arrived in about 20 minutes. We saw him outside talking to the cop, gesturing with the water pipe that was used for illegal purposes. He didn’t end up in trouble but I believe the water pipe was confiscated.)

Things That Go Thump In The Night

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(Around 11 pm, the start of my overnight shift at our hotel, a middle aged woman walking a dog approaches the front desk.)

Woman: “Can you call me a cab to go to Jack-Jacks?”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that name. Is it in town?”

Woman: “Oh, yes, my daughter is there. Drinking, dancing, like young people like to do.”

(Since there was only one bar open in town, I gave her that name and she agreed it was the place. The name was not at all close to “Jack-Jacks.”)

Me: “You don’t need a cab; it’s only two blocks away.”

(Off she goes, dog in tow. At about 1:30 am, I hear a loud thumping sound from upstairs. As I am about to go up to investigate, I get a call from room 301 complaining about the thumping sound and yelling in the room below. I go up to room 201 and hear the thumping and two women yelling at each other in some kind of Asian language. I knock on the door and a dog comes to the door to bark, but no one answers the door. I knock several more times:)

Me: “This is the front desk clerk. Please open this door!”

(I can still hear thumping and yelling and barking, but no one answers. I go downstairs to call the room, but the call repeatedly goes to voicemail. I try knocking again and still hear yelling, thumping, barking, but no one comes to the door.  I go downstairs and get a call from 301:)

Guest: “That’s it! I’m calling the police!”

Me: “I’ve tried calling and knocking on the door and I’ve gotten no response, so I am calling the police.”

(A few minutes later, a couple of police officers are there. One of the officers knocks on the door.)

Officer: “This is the police.”

(There is still no response. I go downstairs to get a master key, when I can hear by the increased volume of the barking that the door has been opened. I go up to the room and find the officers in the room and a young woman sobbing and holding the dog I’d seen earlier in the evening.)

Officer: “She says her mother is stuck in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

(Unfortunately, the pocket doors on our bathrooms do stick on occasion, but why the young woman hadn’t come to me with the problem is a mystery for the ages. However, I do think the solution has something to do with too much alcohol consumption. We are able to open the bathroom door and the mother, the same woman I had seen earlier, comes out, furious.)

Woman: *yelling* “I come all the way from Thailand to see my daughter, and she locks me in bathroom. Call me a cab; I’m taking a plane back to Thailand.”

(I don’t think she’d thought that plan all the way through — again, perhaps alcohol was involved. Eventually, I convinced her it was not her daughter’s fault the door stuck. I was glad they were already scheduled for check out in the morning.)

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

, , , , , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(I work in a restaurant where you can have unlimited free salad with every main course. You can also purchase just salad on its own. This occurs one afternoon after a man comes to the bar, orders one starter, and helps himself to no less than six bowls of salad. When it’s clear he’s not going to order a main, I go over to him.)

Me: “Hello there, would you like to order your main course now?”

Customer: *looks angrily at me* “No, I don’t want a main.”

Me: “I’m afraid our unlimited salad bar is only free with every main course, so you will have to order a main or pay for the salad.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this; I’m not paying for salad. It says it’s free.”

Me: “Well, it is free with every main meal, so you need to order a main course. Let me get you a menu.”

(I walk off to get him a menu and to let the manager know what’s happening. He’s pretty blunt when talking to me but always supports us. He sees the guy on the camera and loiters by my till as the guy is pretty big and rather aggressive in his tone. When I go back to him, he is still there and standing near the till.)

Me: “Have you decided on your main?”

Customer: *mumbling complaints* “I can’t believe this; this is ridiculous, having to pay for free salad.”

Me: “It’s only free with a main. You can pay just for the salad, which is obviously cheaper.”

Customer: *pays for the salad reluctantly* “I can’t believe this. It’s disgusting! What sort of a place makes you pay for salad?!”

Me: “A restaurant!”

(He stormed out and my boss, who was watching the entire exchange, snorted and disappeared into the office where I later found him crying with laughter. He tried to tell me off but failed miserably.)

Rightly Color Blinded By Your Illiteracy

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I work at a membership store with an alarming number of people who seem to come in simply to cause a problem and then not purchase anything. I have learned what things to be oddly specific about.)

Me: “All right, please sign your name, sir. When you are finished, just tap the green button that says ‘OK’ on the bottom left corner with the pen.”

Customer: “What if I’m color-blind?”

Me: “…the button that says “OK” on the bottom left corner with the pen.”

Customer: “What if I can’t read?” *his tone starts getting angry*

Me: “Tap the button on the bottom left corner with the pen.”

Customer: “What if I don’t know my left from my right?”

Me: *having given up* “Then that is quite something, sir.”

Customer: “Whatever!” *still mad, he taps the button… with his finger*

Me: “Sir, I said with the pen…”

(He ended up being so angry about the whole thing that he left without his order, his membership card, and his wallet. I took his personal belongings to the front desk and then had to close my line to go return everything.)

They’re On A Roll

, , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I work at a store where there is a single men’s and a single women’s restroom. I’m waiting outside of the women’s as there’s someone using it. After a minute or two, she comes out, red in the face.)

Customer: “You!” *pointing at me* “There’s no toilet paper in there!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am; I’ll change it out immediately.”

(I walk into the restroom and she follows me. The toilet paper container holds four rolls, one of which is empty. I turn to the woman.)

Me: “Ma’am, there are three more rolls in here. All you have to do is turn the dial.” *I demonstrate and a fresh roll comes down*

Customer: *snippy tone* “Well, I shouldn’t have to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I would’ve done it if I noticed sooner.”

Customer: *clicks tongue* “You should’ve done it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *sighs* “I said, you should’ve done it for me! You’re the employee!”

Me: “…so you’re saying I should’ve come in there, while you were using the restroom, to change the toilet paper?”

Customer: “No! I… ugh never mind! So incompetent!” *storms off*

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