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Your Request Makes Not A Gar-Lick Of Sense!

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2022

I answer the phone at my butcher shop. It’s a customer who was in about an hour ago. 

Customer: “Hi. I was there before and I bought a piece of garlic, but it didn’t make it into the bag.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. We can either refund it or, if it’s convenient for you to come back, we can just replace it.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want either of those things. I’m cooking right now, and I don’t have it.”

Me: *Unsure where this is going* “Well, like I said, we can replace it or refund it—”

Customer: “I would prefer if one of your employees drove it over to me right now. I’m right in town.”

I blink as I try to process this, looking around at my already extremely short-staffed store and my coworkers running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to keep on top of everything.  

Me: “Right… Well, as I said, we can refund it or replace it. None of our employees are going to be able to deliver it to your home.”

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

Not as ridiculous as your request that we hand-deliver $1 garlic to your house, lady!

Planning A Holiday Is No Holiday With These Folks

, , , , , | Working | January 26, 2022

The holiday company we used goes out of business. We’ve paid a lot of money for a really special holiday for an anniversary, so we’re obviously devastated. Luckily, at the last minute, the company is bought out, and we are promised an equivalent holiday or our money back.

Immediately upon talking to anyone at the company, they want us to book another holiday, and they give us all sorts of options, many just obviously not a fair alternative.

Eventually, they offer us what seems like a good deal: a week on an all-inclusive beach holiday at a high-specification resort, just like what we booked. But a week before we are due to leave, I have to call them urgently. 

Me: “We’ve just had our rooms confirmed for [holiday reference] and there seems to be a mistake.”

Representative: “Okay, I can see your booking now and it appears to be correct. What was it that you were expecting?”

Me: “This was a replacement for an existing holiday. We had a suite booked then, but now it’s just a standard room.”

Representative: “Okay. Well, I can see that this holiday package offers several activities, where your old booking doesn’t. This is a value of £500 and a much better deal.”

Me: “We don’t want an activity package; we want the nice room.”

Representative: “Well, I’m not sure I can unselect the activities. They are part of the booking.”

Me: “I appreciate that, but that’s not what we were told. We were told it would be like for like.”

We went around in circles. They kept going on about activities, how great they were, and how much they were worth. We kept trying to get them to understand that we wouldn’t use them and therefore, they were worthless. We just wanted what we paid for.

I was about to cancel the whole thing when they did offer a partial refund. It’s not what we wanted, but I reluctantly took it.

The kicker? When we got there, half of the activities were cancelled, and the hotel had a few suites available for upgrades. I actually paid less than the refund we got.

Why some companies are so backward in going forward, I will never understand.

Warning: Take The Advice Of Writers With Caution

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 26, 2022

I’m an aspiring writer. And I have writer’s block. It’s been bugging me for quite a while now, and nothing I do seems to work. I go to a writer friend of mine and ask for advice.

Me: “How do you deal with writer’s block? I mean, you never seem to have it. What’s your secret?”

Friend: “Okay, I’ll show you. Get out your computer and open up your manuscript while I get the stuff.”

He walks out of the room and I do so. He comes back in a few minutes and slams a bottle of wine down onto the table. He pours me a glass.

Friend: “Drink this, and then start writing. Any time you get stuck, take another sip.”

Me: “Seriously? Your magic cure for writer’s block is to get drunk?

Friend: *Shrugs* “It works.”

I give him a deadpan look.

Friend: “Right, remember Julia, the main character of my novel?”

Me: “Yeah, the evil empress.”

Friend: “I wrote most of her backstory while utterly hammered.”

Me: “But Julia’s your best character! The most well-written!”


I wordlessly downed the entire glass of wine immediately. My friend silently nodded and refilled the wineglass.

I don’t remember much of what happened next, but I woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover and a significant expansion to my manuscript, which, after editing, I found to be a workable plot.

I haven’t yet had to revisit the bottle, as my muse has somewhat returned, but still, maybe my friend really was onto something.

Irish You Would Just Pay And Leave

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2022

Many years ago, this little old man in a full cassock and collar came up to my register with a purchase. I engage in the usual pleasantries, and he answered in the thickest brogue I had ever heard. Cute as heck. I rang him up and told him his total. He looked at the receipt and his face changed.

Customer: *Angrily* “Why have I been charged sales tax?”

Me: “Oh, do you have a resale card? If you’ll give it to me, I can take the tax off.”

He gave me an exasperated look.

Customer: “Priests don’t pay sales tax!”

He was no longer cute.

Me: “Maybe not in Ireland, but in America, we have the separation of church and state. Everyone pays sales tax.”

He huffed, paid, and doddered out.

I Wish Jew Could Understand

, , , | Working | January 26, 2022

My partner works for a mobile video game company. He drives a van to parties and is a game host. I am Jewish and he is not. He’s working a party Saturday night. His boss calls him in the afternoon. His boss is speaking so loudly I can hear him through the phone not on speaker.

Boss: “So, the party is a bat mitzvah. You can’t call the host until you get there because of, uhhhh… It’s, ummm… Yeah, so don’t call until you’re there for… Yeah, because they don’t, umm…”

Me: *Whispering* “It’s Shabbos.”

Partner: *To his boss* “It’s Shabbos. My partner is Jewish.”

Boss: “Oh, okay, good. So you know how it goes.”

He finishes the conversation and hangs up.

Partner: “So, what do I have to do?”

Me: “Just don’t call before sunset.”