Words To Get You Shot

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2018

(I work as a holistic/massage therapist in a chiropractor’s office. We primarily handle patients who are recovering from injuries. I love the work, but I have developed a serious case of carpal tunnel and had to switch careers until it is healed. My husband and I decide to take a concealed carry class together, since we both like to go out to the range to shoot, etc. One of my former patients just happens to be in the class. Note: I’m in my mid-20s but still get mistaken for 18 or 19, and this man is in his mid-50s. At the beginning of class:)

Former Patient: “Hey! I thought that was you! How are you, [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m great! My hand is doing much better, and I’ve been looking forward to this class.”

Former Patient: “Me, too! Well, enjoy the class.”

(The first day of the class is all in a “school” setting; we’re all seated at tables in uncomfortable metal chairs for several hours. When it’s time for a break:)

Former Patient: *to me, LOUDLY, from across the room* “Man! My back is killing me! I wish I could lay down on this table and let you do me right here!”

(The entire class stares.)

Me: *speechless and mortified*

My Husband: *laughing… not helpful*

(As soon as the man walks out of the room I turn to the rest of the class.)

Me: “I just want everyone to know that I used to be his holistic therapist at a chiropractor’s office. That’s it.”

(You can see the sigh of relief that sweeps through the rest of the students, and they all go on their breaks.)

My Husband: “So, you think they all thought you were a teenage hooker trying to get her gun license?”

Let Me Educate You On Politeness

, , , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(While the company I work for is country-wide, customer service is mostly province-based, so as customer service agents, we normally don’t deal with calls from or about a province outside our own. A guy from one of our suppliers calls the English-speaking line, but speaks to me in French.)

Caller: “Hi, could you transfer me to the service line closest to Mississauga?”

(That’s in Ontario. Unfamiliar with that particular city, or where it is exactly, I try to deduce which center would be closest.)

Me: “Is that near Ottawa?”

(He speaks French and reached the Quebec line, so I think he might be based near the capital, which is very bilingual and close to the provincial border.)

Caller: *laughs* “That’s kind of right next to Toronto! My brother used to be minister for the education; guess he did his job wrong!”

Me: *silent and unimpressed, looking for the right number to transfer him*

Caller: *after a moment not awkward enough for how rude he just was* “Well, it’s a beautiful place.”

Me: “I’m sure it is. Let me put you on hold to transfer you.”

(I’m guessing he didn’t realize he had gotten a line in another province, but it was still incredibly rude. I got a call from a different guy from the same supplier right after, and he was super pleasant.)


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Helping His Girl AND The Environment

, , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(A male customer is wandering alone through my work. He appears to be a “tough guy” — he has long hair and obviously works out. He wanders around for a few minutes before stopping my coworker.)

Customer: “I’m looking for these for my wife. She says they have to be the same brand.”

(He reveals a piece of a tampon box without looking embarrassed or anxious.)

Coworker: “Sure, we have those. Let me show you.”

(She gets him the tampons and rings him up. He pays, grabs the box, and then WALKS OUT OF THE STORE with in it plain sight.)

Me: “Did that just happen?”

Coworker: “He said he didn’t need a bag.”

Me: “Wow.”

Some Customers Can’t Help It

, , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(I am a cashier in a large supermarket. One day I am putting up housewares when a couple comes up to me:)

Customer: “Do you work over here?” *points to housewares*

Me: *jokingly* “No, I’m just a cashier; we don’t know much.” *seriously* “But if I can’t help, I will find someone who can. What can I help you with?”

Customer: *laughs at my joke* “Well, I need to know if you have any [weird thing].”

Me: “I don’t believe we have any of them, but I will go ask [Coworker]; she will know for sure.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay.” *she walks away* “She didn’t even try to help us!”

Has Minimum Understanding

, , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(Two customers have been shopping together and sharing a basket, but they’re purchasing their items separately.)

Me: “Okay, this is going to be $3.49.”

([Customer #1] goes to hand me her credit card.)

Me: “Oh, I’m afraid we have a $5.00 card minimum.”

([Customer #1] looks at [Customer #2] with a deer-in-the-headlights face.)

Customer #2: *to [Customer #1]* “Oh, it’s fine; she’ll put your card through, anyway.”

(I start to shake my head and open my mouth to say no, I won’t waive the minimum, but [Customer #1] adds a piece of candy to her order.)

Customer #1: “What am I at now?”

Me: “$4.25. You could grab a $.99 drink, or another pack of gum?”

Customer #2: “Wait, you’re going to make her get to exactly $5.00?”

Me: “Well, we can make an exception starting at $4.95, but yes, it’s a $5.00 minimum.”

([Customer #1] adds another pack of gum and is able to pay with her card. Meanwhile [Customer #2] is staring at me with the most confused, grumpy look on his face.)

Customer #2: “Here, I have cash!”

Me: “Awesome, your total is $3.00.”

Customer #2: “So, you really wouldn’t just put that on my card?”

Me: “No, we have a $5.00 card minimum.”

(Amazingly, the cashier isn’t allowed to change the rules of the store! He honestly couldn’t comprehend that a card minimum means you need to spend that much to use your card.)

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