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Someone’s Being (Bed) Framed!

, , , , | Related | June 15, 2021

My aunt tends to go through cars like you wouldn’t believe and has just ruined her thirtieth car. Yes, thirty cars. My grandmother, her mother, offers to give her my late grandfather’s car since my grandmother no longer needs two cars. But that isn’t good enough for my aunt. She has her eye on an over-priced seven-year-old SUV with a ridiculous amount of miles, and because of her financial situation, she needs someone to co-sign to get a loan for the car.

My grandmother, who lost her husband not even two years ago, has no interest in co-signing for a “new” car that will probably die before it is paid off. So, at Sunday dinner one week, my aunt asks my father, her younger brother, if he will co-sign for her car loan.

Father: “No way in heck. If I co-signed for a car for anyone it would be for my sixteen-year-old daughter, not you. Take Dad’s old car.”

This triggers a major fight between my father and his sister, which ends in my aunt screaming:

Aunt: “If you won’t co-sign for my car loan, I’ll call child protective services because [My Name] is sleeping on a mattress on the floor.”

My bed frame broke not even a week ago so I am sleeping on a box spring and mattress on the floor until we can get me a new bed frame. None of us think anything about the threat, since my aunt has a habit of making empty threats when she doesn’t get her way.

A few days later, I get called down to the guidance office in the middle of a chemistry test for an “urgent matter.” When I get to the office, I am led into a small room with the school’s social worker and another woman.

Woman: “Hello, [My Name]. I have a few questions about your living arrangements.”

She asks me questions like, “What’s your home life like?” “How do your parents treat you?” “Are you happy at home?” and, “Do you have your own room?” It isn’t until she asks one more question that I start to mentally piece things together.

Woman: “How do you sleep at night?”

Me: “What is this about?”

Woman: *Hesitating* “We received an anonymous tip that your father is forcing you to sleep on the floor. We want to know what that’s about.”

And that’s when everything clicks and I am livid.

Me: “I’m not being forced to sleep on the floor. My bed frame broke about a week ago, so I’m currently sleeping on a box-spring and mattress until my new bed gets delivered. I’ll bet you any amount of money my aunt was the person who made that anonymous tip because my father refused to co-sign for her to get a new car.”

The woman from CPS looks stunned.

Woman: *To the school social worker* “Do you have any way of reaching her father to confirm this?”

Unfortunately, I have no idea what is said during that conversation since I am sent out of the room during the call, but it’s safe to assume my father confirms what I said. Once they get off the phone with my father, the woman and the social worker come out.

Woman: “I’m very sorry about this, [My Name].”

Me: “I understand. You were just doing your job.”

And I went back to class.

When confronted about it, my aunt admitted to making the call to CPS and my grandmother was FURIOUS. She made sure my aunt didn’t end up getting the SUV she wanted and she was forced to take my late grandfather’s 1998 Chevy Cavalier. Unfortunately, my aunt didn’t get in any legal trouble for the false CPS report due to it being an anonymous tip, but my father gave her a harsh warning about what would happen to her if she pulled another stunt like that again.

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Try Not To Read Too Much Into This

, , , , , | Working | June 15, 2021

I order a book online to be picked up at a bookstore in town. As I do it well after they close, I expect to pick it up the next day. Instead, I receive this text.

Text: “We’re sorry! Your [Bookstore] buy online, pickup at store order has been cancelled; see your email for details.”

I check my emails throughout the day but never receive anything. I resign myself to ordering through a major online realtor… until the day after. My phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Uh, yes. Who am I speaking with?”

Caller: “I’m [Caller] from [Bookstore]. I saw that your order for [Book] by [Author] has been cancelled. I guess the person pulling orders couldn’t find it and you won’t be charged for it. Well, I checked today and I found it, so all you have to do is submit a new order and come pick it up. It’s at the help desk ready for you.”

Fairly entertained by the whole situation, I submitted a new order and went to the store when it was ready. I ended up speaking to the person I had spoken with on the phone, who said they’d checked this morning and found the book exactly where it was supposed to be, and that they had no idea what had happened the day previous.

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Park And No Recreation

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2021

I cash a woman out at the drive-thru. The order is something that can take a couple of extra minutes to prepare, so sometimes we ask people to park if they order it. However, we happen to have a fresh one ready that has just finished cooking, so I do not tell her to park.

Me: “Here are your drinks. I’ll be right back in a moment with your food.”

I turn away and walk over to the bagging station to get her order ready. Again, the food is already cooked, so I’m only waiting about thirty seconds for the kitchen to put it together. I happen to glance back over at the window and see that she’s gone, and my next car is at the window.

We’re located on one end of a plaza, and the parking lot stretches for a good 250 feet from one end to the other. It’s also packed. I can’t leave the store since we’re busy, but I do try to spot her from our front window as best I can. Not seeing her, and thinking she drove off, I tell the kitchen to cancel the order. People have done this before, so I think nothing of it. We finish off the remaining orders.

Ten minutes later, the customer comes stomping in.

Customer: “Why didn’t you bring me my food? I’ve been waiting out there for ten minutes and you said it would only be a moment!”

Me: “Ma’am, I had your order ready. When I turned back to bring it to you at the window, you were gone. I looked but didn’t see you in the parking lot, so we cancelled the order.”

Customer: “But you told me to park! Why didn’t you look for me?”

Me: “I didn’t ask you to park. I said I’d be right back. I did look for you, but because we were busy, I couldn’t leave to walk around the parking lot to find you. I can give you your order right now, though, if you don’t mind waiting a moment for us to get it back together.”

She agreed to take her food now, still complaining about how everyone always makes her park and how I should have gone on an expedition to find her. 

I handed over her order, and since the rush had died down, I watched her leave just to see exactly where she’d parked. She was at the opposite end of the lot; I had to walk out our front door and past three other stores to see her.

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Lifestyles Of The Cheap And The Hungry

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 15, 2021

Back in the depths of time, when I was in high school, one of my friends was notoriously cheap. He had money but loathed spending it on anything except his hobbies. I was driving back to town after taking the group to a convention when we decided to pull over at a chain restaurant for lunch. The waiter handed us the menus and asked us what we wanted to drink.

Me: “Iced tea, please.”

Friend #2: “Coke.”

Friend #3: “Coffee.”

Friend #1: “I’ll just have water.”

The rest of us rolled our eyes at that but looked through the menus and decided what we wanted to eat. [Friend #1] spent a lot of time checking the menu for the cheapest item and was still at it when the waiter returned.

Waiter: “Have we decided what we’re having?”

Friend #2: “I’ll have a cheeseburger and onion rings.”

Friend #3: “Could I get [restaurant specialty meal]?”

Me: “I’d like a cheeseburger and fries.”

[Friend #1] was silent.

Waiter: “Sir? Are you ready to order?”

Friend #1: “I’d like the a la mode.”

Everyone at the table sat there in shock. The waiter rallied quickly.

Waiter: “You said you wanted a la mode?”

Friend #1: “That’s all I want.”

Waiter: “Uh… most people have that with pie.”

Friend #1: “Nope. I’ll just have the a la mode.

He handed the waiter his menu.

Waiter: “O… kay. One a la mode it is.”

The waiter headed for the kitchen to put in our order and we all rounded on [Friend #1].

All Of Us: “What the h*** is wrong with you? Who the h*** orders a la mode by itself? It’s supposed to be served on a slice of pie!”

Friend #1: “It’s the cheapest thing on the menu.”

Our food was quickly brought out to us, and [Friend #1] got a very small scoop of vanilla ice cream served on an otherwise empty saucer. We mocked him mercilessly throughout the meal and during the drive back to town. 

Me: A la mode may have been the cheapest item on the menu, but it wasn’t the cheapest thing in that restaurant.”

Friend #1: *Looking interested* “What was the cheapest thing at the restaurant?”

All Of Us: “YOU!”

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You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof? Part 2

, , , , , | Healthy | June 15, 2021

My aunt is home alone while my uncle is at work. She decides to mow the lawn, gets distracted, and gets into an accident. She suffers multiple broken bones and a minor concussion but is able to crawl into the house, reach the telephone, and dial 911 to request an ambulance. She gets wheeled into the emergency room and the doctor enters.

Doctor: “Hello, [Aunt], can you tell me what happened?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.”

Doctor: “Umm… I’m sorry, what was that?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn, and I fell off the roof onto the driveway.”

Doctor: “How… Okay. What roof were you on?”

Aunt: “The house.”

Doctor: “Hmm. And what were you doing on the roof?”

Aunt: “Mowing the lawn.”

Doctor: “Okay, [Aunt]. I think we’ll start prepping for surgery now.”

My uncle makes it to the hospital while my aunt is in surgery, and the doctor comes out to update him.

Doctor: “[Aunt] is doing well. She has suffered a broken back, multiple broken ribs, a cracked pelvis, and a few broken bones in her legs. She also has a concussion. Fortunately, none of her internal organs seem to be damaged, and her spinal cord has not been damaged. She may have a permanent limp or similar mobility challenges, but I believe she will otherwise make a full recovery with enough time.”

Uncle: “Thank you.”

Doctor: “I do have to ask one thing, though. I’m not sure exactly what happened that caused these injuries. [Aunt] tried to explain, but I think she was confused because of the concussion. Do you have any idea what might have happened?”

Uncle: “What did she say?”

Doctor: “She said she… Well, she said she fell off the roof while mowing the lawn.”

Uncle: *To himself* “Oh, so that’s why the lawn mower was in the driveway.”

Doctor: “Umm, [Uncle]?”

Uncle: “Well, she’s not wrong. We built our house into the side of a hill. We dug out the front of the hill and built a frame to keep the hill from collapsing. Then we built a house within the frame. The top and the other sides of the hill weren’t touched except for clearing some trees, so there’s still grass growing over the hill. We use a riding lawn mower to mow the lawn, which includes the hill that we dug out. [Aunt] must have been mowing the hill — which is basically our roof — and got distracted or something broke on the lawn mower, and she drove off the edge of the hill. I’ll bring in a picture of our house tomorrow to give you a better idea.”

The next day, my uncle did bring in a picture of the house, and the doctor was finally able to understand what my aunt meant when she said she was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.

And now for the happy ending: my aunt did make a full recovery, with only a slight limp today. However, she has been banned from mowing the lawn ever since!

You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?

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