Me: “Would you like any toppings?”

Customer: “Gummy bears.”

Me: “We don’t carry those.”

Customer: “Yes, you do!”

Me: “No, we don’t, ma’am. We do have—”

Customer: “—Go to the back and get me some! Stop being a lazy b****!”

Okay, she wants to call me a b****, then I can be a b****.

Me: “Oh, yeah, you’re totally right. I’m withholding all the gummy bears from you personally. We have them in the back, and I’m just lying.”

Customer: “You think you can get away with talking to customers like that?”

Me: “I’ve been here twelve years and have remained the most reliable worker here in all that time, so yes, I think I do.”

Customer: “…well, you USED to have gummy bears.”

Me: “I’ve never seen them.”

Customer: “Well, maybe you had them before you worked here.”

Me: “You heard me say twelve years, right?”

Customer: “Well… maybe they’re just out of stock on the days you’re working!”

The customer was sooo adamant about being right, I almost wanted to see how many more increasingly outrageous mental hoops she would jump through, but sadly, I had a line, so I had to let her die right there on her little hill…

I work at a Five Guys, an American burger chain known for frying the French fries in peanut oil, and having sacks of both potatoes and peanuts around the store.

Customer: *To my manager.* “Are your French fries made from real potatoes?”

My manager looks at the 50 Lb sacks of potatoes that the customer is standing next to, and the large sign on the wall stating the name and location of the farm where today’s potatoes have been sourced from. He then turns back to the customer.

Manager: “No, ma’am. Our French fries are actually made from French people. Who do you think those five guys were?”

Customer: “Ugh! You could have just said yes!”

Manager: “And you could have just used common sense.”

The customer walked out. That manager quit a few months later; he couldn’t deal with stupid customers. He said he saw better problem-solving skills at home from his newborn baby.

I see a coworker in the office. It’s been a few months since we spoke properly.

Coworker: “How’ve you been?”

Me: “Good! A bit jet-lagged as I just got back from the big conference.”

Coworker: “The one in China? You went to that?”

Me: “Yeah, it was great!”

Coworker: “Did you visit the Chinatown?”

Me: “Ha ha, very funny.”

Coworker: “They must have some amazing Chinatowns there.”

I realize she is being serious.

Me: “Yeah, it was huge! Like, the whole country!”

Coworker: “Woooow.”

I’m a woman working in the outdoor department.

Customer: “Where are the sprinklers?”

Me: “What kind?”

Customer: *Sarcastic.* “The kind that sprays water, but I wouldn’t expect a pretty thing like you to know all that.”

Me: “I meant the kind that goes underground or the kind that attaches to a hose, but I wouldn’t expect a pretty thing like you to know all that.”

Customer: *Turning red.* “Oh… the hose kind.”

It’s New Year’s Day, and I have some time to do a grocery run, but I want to make sure the store is open today. I call the customer service line, expecting to get some automated message explaining the holiday opening hours, but instead I get a tense:

Customer Service Rep: “What?!”

Me: “Uh… hello? Is this [Grocery Store]?”

Customer Service Rep: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh, good! I just wanted to check if you were open today, and—”

Customer Service Rep: “—If we weren’t open, I wouldn’t be answering the phone, would I?”

Me: “I guess not? What hours is the store open today?”

Customer Service Rep: “We close at five. Thanks for reminding me how long I have to be here.”

Me: “…thank… you?”

Customer Service Rep: *Sarcasm.* “Noooo, thank you for shopping today! People like you are the reason we’re open! God!” *Click.*

Look, I know it sucks to work on a holiday, but that’s why I called ahead to check. I would have been perfectly fine with the store being closed today.