Sarcasm Is Not His Calling

, , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2020

(We’ve just finished a long day of rehearsal and the coordinator is giving us some final reminders for the next day.)

Coordinator: “Make sure you remember to bring… Wait, is that a phone I hear?”

(Sure enough, we can hear a phone ringing and vibrating. An actor raises his hand, slightly embarrassed.)

Actor: “Um, yes, sorry, it’s mine. Should I hang up?”

(The coordinator thinks he’s joking and laughs.)

Coordinator: *sarcastically* “Oh, no, don’t worry. Answer it; we’ll wait for you.”

Actor: “Oh, all right!” *answers his phone and starts talking*

(The coordinator is left with a wild look on her face and some crew members start chuckling. The actor, however, keeps talking on the phone, completely oblivious. When we realize this, the laughter stops.)

Actor: “Yeah, I know… Uh… Hey, I think I’ll call you later; everyone’s staring at me.”

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A Cashless Karmic Transaction

, , , , , | Friendly | June 22, 2018

(It is December, and holiday gift shopping is in full swing. I’m minding my own business, paying with cash in a store.)

Customer: *behind me, scoffs* “Who uses cash anymore these days? Get with the times.”

(I ignore her and continue on my way to another store nearby. I’m in line to pay when the cashier announces that the electronic payment system is down. Later I learn this isn’t just the store’s problem, but stores across the entire country are having issues. They’re currently serving all customers who can pay with cash first while working on a solution for those who can’t. Coincidentally, the same customer is in the line in front of me. As I pass her to go pay, I can’t resist.)

Me: “Who pays cash these days? People who aren’t screwed right now.”

(The look on her face was absolutely worth it.)

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Cancelling Their Plans

, , , , , , , , , | Right | June 18, 2018

(I work in a hotel. As in so many stories I read, we often get guests who call up wanting a reservation, and demanding special treatment when we’re fully booked up. We have a way of dealing with this:)

Me: “The only way I can give you a room is if we cancel someone else’s reservation.”

Caller: “Well, do that, then!”

Me: “Do you think that’s a fair and reasonable thing for us to do?”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “So, just to be clear, you won’t have a problem when five minutes later I cancel your reservation and give the room to someone else?”

Caller: “What? F*** no! You can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? You just said it’s okay to do it.”

(The call usually ends about there. Sometimes there’s a follow-up:)

Caller: “You’ve got to give me special treatment; I’m a Platinum Rewards customer!”

Me: “Okay, well, I promise I’ll only cancel your reservation in five minutes time and give it to another Platinum Rewards customer, not to just anyone.”

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Teaching Manners To Adults Means Something Went Wrong

, , , , , | Friendly | June 15, 2018

(I’m standing in the queue at a popular supermarket chain. It’s busy, and I’ve got my four-year-old daughter with me in her pushchair. She’s clutching a pack of kids drinks I’m about to buy her, and she asks me if she can have one, to which I reply, “Wait until we’ve paid for them,” which she accepts and goes back to sitting there quietly. Her pushchair is a special-needs one, so it takes up more room than the average pushchair, and as we are backing up against one of the shelves and there are a fair few people behind me, I leave a small gap in front of me so people can get through. Then, a woman comes and stands in the gap in front of me, and the following exchange happens:)

Me: “Excuse me, the queue is back here.”

Customer: *ignores me*

Me: “Hey, I’m talking to you, woman in the green t-shirt who is pretending she can’t hear me.”

Customer: *turning round* “Oh, I’ve only got one thing and I’ve got to get back to work. Let me go in front of you.” *I only have two things myself*

Me: “Here’s the thing. I’ve just been telling my daughter that she needs to be patient until she can have her drink because we haven’t paid for them yet, and she’s been sitting here quietly waiting. If I let you go in front of me, what kind of message does that send her?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not moving. What are you going to do about it?”

Me: *loudly* “Well, there’s nothing I can do, if you are okay with having worse manners than a four-year-old.”

(At this point everyone in the queue was staring at her and giving her dirty looks. She looked embarrassed and slumped off to the back of the queue, muttering to herself.)

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Their Biggest Handicap Is Themself

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 13, 2018

(My genetic disability makes any form of physical activity, even just walking, difficult. Most days I can get around in short bursts of energy and willpower, but I do have a handicap parking pass for “bad days” or “flare-ups.” When I go to pick up a prescription at my local pharmacy, I take the farthest handicap spot, still trying to be considerate of others while recognizing my limitations. My mother comes along because I was just released from the hospital a few hours ago. A woman sees me get out of my car and shouts:)

Woman: “Hey! You ain’t handicapped! Hey! B****, you ain’t handicapped!”

Me: *to my mother* “Just walk.”

(The woman approaches us directly before we reach the crosswalk. She looks us both over and crosses her arms.)

Woman: “You don’t look handicapped.”

Mom: “Well, you don’t look like a dumb c***, but I guess we’re both wrong.”

(The woman stands there, dumbfounded, before stalking ahead of us into the store. I’ve never heard my mother say so much as, “d***,” so I am probably more shocked than the other woman.)

Me: “Mom! What?! What just happened?!”

Mom: “Nobody has the right to talk to you like that.”

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