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Learning How To Internet Is A Beast Of A Task

, , | Right | CREDIT: Dradonus | December 28, 2021

I currently work in a call center, and the call center contracts me with other businesses that need help. I get a call and go through the spiel I usually do.

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have an account with you guys.”

That’s fine. I set him up with one, and as I am asking probing questions about his issue today and creating a case, he says:

Caller: “Yeah, I don’t know why you guys started to need an Internet connection to use your software, but I don’t have an Internet connection, so I need you to give me a code or some magic jumbo to get the program to work for me.”

I’m confused, as I was not aware that there were people out there without an Internet connection. I explain how he needs to use the Internet for various functions of the product. He gets upset and annoyed.

Caller: “Well, I guess I will get a new computer with the Internet on it.”

I don’t catch that at first.

Caller: “Is this going to be something that always happens with the company?”

Me: “With everything moving to the cloud — aka the Internet — a lot of your programs and products are going to be using that for various features.”

He reluctantly agrees and then asks what he needs for a new computer, so I gave him minimum requirements: Windows 8.1 or newer, 2 bg of RAM1GB for the program, 5 GB for Microsoft, .net 5.4.2 or something like that, 1 mbs for Internet. The program needs admin rights, especially when printing off documents.

He sighs.

Caller: “So, not only do I have to purchase a computer with the Internet—”

I catch it that time. I blink.

Caller: “—but I also have to get this beast of a computer.”

I looked at my gaming rig next to me, which five years ago cost $800 to $1000, thinking to myself, “Yeah… a real beast.” I tried to explain to him he would need to call his Internet service provider and get the basic Internet, and he should be fine, but he probably didn’t understand that, either.

Printers Can Smell Fear

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: GT3Red | December 27, 2021

I work at a law firm. I was at work doing worky things. I’d been over to see one of the users in a test group for the latest print code that was waiting to be rolled out to everyone.

It can cause such a stink when it goes wrong that you don’t just give it to everyone for fear that now everyone can’t print. You select a few. And yes, we cherry-pick. If you can form a sentence in a bug report and can remember way, way back into the past two minutes and recall what you did, you get put in the top group. I believe at the time there were five different ways to print. Changes had been made to some part of it and it was out with some test users.

I had just been to the desk of one of these users over some issue she couldn’t work out.

By the time I’d walked back to my desk, a colleague was already on the phone to [User].

Colleague: “Yeah, yeah, he’s just walked in. Hold on.” *To me* “It’s [User].”

Ah, Jesus. What now?

Me: “Hi, [User].”

User: “Hi, [My Name], I can’t print since you’ve been over. I’ve tried everything I can think of and nothing’s working. Whatever you did must have broken it.”

Me: “What do you mean, you can’t print? What way are you trying?”

User: “The new print button and the old one.”

Me: “On the toolbar?”

User: “Yeah”

Me: “Huh. It shouldn’t have affected the old one even if it was broken. Try File and Print, through the dialog.”

User: “Yeah, that’s not working, either.”

Me: “Okay, try the plain Print button.”

User: “Mmm, nope. Nothing.”

Me: “Okay, try Ctrl and P.”

User: “Didn’t work, either.”

Me: “This is weird. Are there any errors on the printer?”

User: “[Coworker]. [Coworker]! Are there any errors on the printer?” *Pauses* “It says load paper.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that’s related. Put some paper in and I’ll wait to check that it’s okay.”

User: “Yeah, that’s worked now. Ooo. It’s printing a lot!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s gonna do that.”

It’s Not Clicking

, , , | Right | December 27, 2021

After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”

Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”

Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”

Me: “It’s pay per click.”

Client: “As in…”

Me: “We get paid per click.”

Client: “I’m not getting it.”

There Is No Holiday From Conditional Formatting

, , | Right | December 25, 2021

I sent the project manager a spreadsheet filled with edits and tracked defects.

Client: “Oh, look at all the nice red and greens. Such nice Christmas colors, very festive of you!”

Me: “Thanks, ’tis the season. But the red means there’s a problem, and the green are values that need to be filled in.”

That’s Not What “Discriminating” Means

, , | Right | December 24, 2021

We have a mobile app for our restaurant on which you get app-specific offers. I got three calls in one night from one lady because she wanted an offer that was advertised on signs on our lot but only available through the app.

Lady: “You’re discriminating against me because I don’t have a smartphone! I’m on a fixed income!”

I was supposed to magically find a way to give her the better price. The best part? The app would have given her a discount one item, no multiples. She was buying five and wanted the discount on ALL of them.