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Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 3

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2022

A customer comes in with their laptop, complaining that the Internet is slow. We open it up to try to troubleshoot.

Me: “Well, sir, I think I see your problem.”

Customer: “What is it?”

Me: “You currently have 302 tabs open on your Internet browser.”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “Well, that’s… a lot. I’m surprised your browser hasn’t crashed, to be perfectly honest. I would recommend using the ‘favorites’ feature and closing most of these down.”

Customer: “No! Then they’ll change the site! I always leave a website and when I come back they change it. I like them just as they are.”

Me: “Well, websites change, sir. They update them to remain current.”

Customer: “Idiots! I don’t use the Internet to stay current!”

Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 2
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet

This Couple Gets Dirty… In The Bad Way

, , , , | Romantic | June 4, 2022

My friend dropped her phone in the toilet. Knowing her husband was handy, she asked him to see if he could fix her phone… except she didn’t want to admit what had happened, knowing he’d get mad. He opened up the phone.

Friend’s Husband: “Why are the internals wet?”

Friend: “My water bottle may have leaked on it.”

Not until he’d spent the whole day messing with the phone, likely touching stuff around the house, his face, etc., did she admit the truth. Let’s just say he wasn’t too happy with her.

Honey… Cables Don’t Have Feelings

, , , , | Right Working | June 4, 2022

As I was doing a daily check of our client’s networks, the connection broke completely.

One of our biggest clients called immediately because every minute without a working connection is a heavy financial loss for them. We were in red alert mode. It’s not often that everything breaks at once.

While we were looking everywhere, we had to focus on the server room because that was the likely culprit.

A server with 500+ plugged-in cables looks like spaghetti. You have to plan and manage it carefully or you make a huge mess and create all sorts of new problems.

I started to investigate the server when I noticed an ethernet cable that looked out of place. I followed it from one port to… the port right next to it. This had created an endless loop for the server because the server was feeding back into itself. I pulled the cable out and BAM! Everything worked again.

Me: “Who did this?”

An employee whose job isn’t IT spoke up guiltily.

Employee: “M-me?”

We asked him why he thought plugging a loose cable into a massive server was a good idea.

Employee: “I saw this cable lying there, and no one was using it. I saw two free ports and put it in them so it wouldn’t feel useless.”

After a massive facepalm from everyone else at the company, we banned him from the server room.

Minimizing The Screen Leads To Maximum Aggravation

, , , , | Right | June 3, 2022

I work in the children’s department of the local library, specializing in presenting storytimes for our youngest patrons. However, occasionally, tech questions get thrown my way. I am rather tech-savvy and can at least navigate all the digital services the library offers.

One morning, a “gentleman” walks in to print concert tickets from his phone — which is a service we offer. Things go well at first. The tickets are on his phone’s hard drive, and he knows exactly where to pull them up from — so many patrons never know where things are stored.

I then tell him to close or minimize his download folder and open up his Internet browser. He looks at me like I’ve sprouted three heads.

Patron: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Just minimize your folder by pressing that square. Or close it out by pressing the X.”

Patron: “Ugh! I just want to print my tickets! You do it!”

He tries to shove his phone into my hands. I take two steps backward.

Me: “I’m sorry. We’re not allowed to touch other people’s devices because of the liability and for health reasons.”

Patron: “And that’s more bulls***!”

He tries pushing his phone on me again.

Me: “I can’t touch your device. All you need to do is close the current display.”

Patron: “Like this?”

He swipes, and the My Downloads folder vanishes so I can see his home screen.

Me: “Yes, that’s perfect. Now click on Google Chrome to open it.”

Patron: “I don’t see why you can’t just do this.”

Me: “Tap underneath the word ‘Google’ and type in [URL to the library’s website].”

This will allow us to access our website’s embedded printing app, so that his phone will then communicate with our printers.

Patron: *Scoffs* “And I suppose you’re not going to do this for me, either!”

After he enters the URL, Chrome displays a “Failed to Connect” error message.

Me: “It looks like you’re not connected to the Internet. Minimize Chrome so we can connect to our Wi-Fi.”

Patron: “I don’t know what any of that means! I don’t know how to do any of that s***! I just want to print my tickets!”

He again tries shoving his phone at me.

Me: “You just need to minimize the screen like you did before. Then we’ll connect you to the Wi-Fi.”

Patron: “This is bulls***! You’re bulls***! I’m done with this!”

Me: “It’s not really my fault you don’t know how to use your phone.”

He storms to the front desk and starts complaining loud enough about me that I can hear him clear in the children’s department. He lies, saying I was calling him “an idiot” and treating him like a child.

I walk up to the front desk since clearly, this involves me.

Me: “Sir, would you like to talk to me about this?”

Patron: “Get away from me! Get out of my face! I’m done with you and your bulls***!”

I am still six feet away.

Manager: “I’ll find someone else to help you. There should be someone upstairs. This way.”

Patron: “You’d better find someone! All I want is to print my d*** tickets!”

Me: “If you just minimize your screen, we can have you connected to the Internet and your tickets printed up in thirty seconds.”

Patron: *Does the “talk to the hand” motion* “Get out of my face; I’m done with you!”

Manager: *Trying to get the patron to leave the area* “There might be someone upstairs. Follow me.”

The patron refused to move and started fiddling with his phone. He actually managed to minimize Chrome with no sweat whatsoever! It took the manager urging him three more times before he followed her.

I later learned that the only person on duty upstairs was our eldest reference librarian. She admits herself to not being tech-savvy and doesn’t even own a smartphone.

About ten minutes later, the man charged downstairs, threw the door open wide, and stalked down the street. Considering he never went near the printers, I doubt he ever got his concert tickets printed.

I Can Decorate A MySpace Page; Does That Make Me A Programmer?

, , , , | Right | June 3, 2022

I recently started to help a local company modernise their staff HR material. As part of the project, we decided to make employee training resources digital rather than physical. The client wanted them to be an online flipbook with embedded video, tutorial animations, and all the bells and whistles.

To do this, we needed a licence for the flipbook software that would allow us to distribute the online book and embed the content. My client had the idea that we were working with some simple animation software that would enable us to make promotional videos. We weren’t sure where she got this idea (or why she held on to it, even though we corrected her every day for two weeks). This recent exchange may have helped me to figure it out, though.

Client: “So, when will we be able to launch this project?”

Me: “Well, as I mentioned before, we can’t launch it until we get the licence. We can’t export from this free version.”

Client: “I don’t understand. Why can’t we do this? Are we waiting for the animation? Is that why?”

Me: “No, the software doesn’t make ‘animations.’ It puts our materials into a flipbook format, and we need the license to export the file to the format we need. Any animations you want on top of turning pages will have to be added after.”

Client: “But when we get that, we are ready to go? It will do the animation for us?”

Me: “No, it won’t add any animation for us. Production of any animations you want to include hasn’t started as the only instruction you’ve given us is that there should be one. There’s been no discussion of what the animation needs to include or what it’s of, and even when that is sorted out, it could take days or weeks to produce.”

Client: “Animation must not be your strong suit. My daughter took a picture of me, uploaded it to a site, and did an animation of me dancing in a few minutes. It was incredible.”

I guess uploading a photo to [eCard Site] makes you a professional animator.