During the height of COVID, everyone had to work from home. So, as the somewhat IT-guy, it was my privilege to facilitate everyone’s home office. Whenever someone was experiencing issues with anything tech-related, they called me.

If we ever had any incidents, management required everyone to call me so I could log and explain their downtime. A bit bureaucratic, but whatever.

One day, I got a call from a coworker whom I know pretty well and also known to be relatively tech-savvy. His wife was expecting soon, and she was already on leave, but still insisted on not sitting around. The call went a bit like this:

Coworker: *Loud vacuum noises in the background.* “Hi mate, my computer isn’t working right now.”

Me: “What’s going on? Does the screen light up? Are the lights on the computer blinking or on?”

Coworker: “No, they’re not on. As a matter of fact, nothing is really working. You see, my wife wanted to vacuum my home office and unplugged the PC.”

Me: “Ah… Can you plug it back in?”

Coworker: “Well, my pregnant wife said this is the only working socket, so no, I will not be able to plug it back in until she is done.”

At this point, I started to catch on that this was a hostage situation, and his wife was listening in on the call. I also realised he was calling just to log his downtime, not to actually report a problem.

Me: “Ah, I see now. How long do you think this ‘unscheduled maintenance’ might take?”

Coworker: “About fifteen more minutes.”

Me: “Very well.”

I marked his downtime as unexpected and incidental, and that was that. When your pregnant wife says it’s the only working socket, it’s best not to argue.

I worked at a hotel as a manager. One guest calls the desk mere minutes after checking.

Guest: “Why does the TV have three remotes?!”

Me: “One remote is for the TV, one is for the DIRECTV streaming box, and… is the third remote white?”

Guest: “Yes.”

Me: “That’s for the AC.”

Guest: “…” *Click.*

Within ten minutes, he’s back at the checkout desk with all his luggage.

Guest: “I want to leave, and I want a refund.”

Me: “Oh… for a refund, I would need to ask the reason why.”

Guest: “All these devices… all these remotes… I just can’t handle the stress of that…”

I give him his refund, as if he can’t handle the stress of a remote control, I don’t need him breaking down in the lobby from the lack of a refund.

He then sits in the lobby, and orders an Uber on his smartphone while playing a video game on his Switch at the same time…

An older customer is staring at the highlights in my hair.

Customer: “What’s all that gay rubbish in your hair?!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

The customer’s grandson gasps.

Customer’s Grandson: “Grandad! You can’t just say that!”

Customer: “I can! He put all that pink b*llocks in his hair. He wants attention, and I’m giving it to him!”

Me: “It’s leftover from when I was cosplaying at ComiCon, if you must know, sir.”

Customer: “What the f*** is a ComiCon?”

Customer’s Grandson: “Grandad! I told you, it’s that convention where fans of sci-fi and fantasy meet up. They have it down in London sometimes.”

Customer: “Well, that explains it. All that gay fairy stuff that you kids see on the internet and social media and all that rubbish! No wonder this country’s going to s***!”

Me: “Sir, did you want to buy something, or did you walk into the shop simply to question the sexual orientation of my hair?”

Customer’s Grandson: “Sorry about him.”

Customer: “I will not be apologised for! The government is going to ban social media for all the kids, soon! I saw it on the news! Under sixteen ban! Then this country can start producing real men again!”

Customer’s Grandson: “…your social media feed convinced you that the COVID vaccine made your blood magnetic and that barcode scanners cause autism, so maybe they should ban it for over sixty-fives as well.”

The customer glared at his grandson, and then at me. I lift up my barcode scanner and aim it at him.

Me: “Boo.”

He gives me the finger and leaves the shop. The poor grandson walks out after him. I honestly think he came into the shop just to have a go at me, as he didn’t seem interested in anything we sold.

Years ago, I worked in tech support. The caller was having issues navigating Windows 95, a new release at the time.

Me: “Okay, go ahead and right click.”

Caller: “Okay… you mean with the mouse thing? I don’t get why they made that so small.”

I’m supportive. Computers are still new to a lot of people, and you never know if a caller has a disability.

Me: “Yeah, I know, sometimes it can be hard, try just using the tip of your finger so you hit the correct one.”

Caller: “My gosh! You want me to bend down there and use my fingers?!”

Me: *Completely and utterly confused.* “Uh, well, I don’t…”

Caller: “Why would they make something for your feet so small!?”

Me: “Feet?!”

Turns out, it was this guy’s first computer, and he thought the mouse was a foot pedal, like a piano. After I explained it’s proper usage:

Me: “How long have you been using… your foot?”

Caller: “About a month. No wonder I couldn’t get anything done. I kept thinking it shouldn’t be this hard. Well, this is much easier now! I don’t think I need you anymore. Thanks!” *Click.*

Back when I worked in computer repair in 2010, I was sent out to take care of an issue with a PC at a local, small bookshop. When I got there, I managed to determine that the issue they were facing was simply a VGA cable that had been pinched by a metal file cabinet being pushed against the side of the desk. After moving the offending cabinet, I started working on replacing it with an HDMI cable when this conversation happened.

Owner: “My boy?”

Me: “Sir?”

Owner: “Is there a way you can adjust the mount so I can see the corkboard there?”

There is indeed a corkboard mounted to the wall behind the dual monitors.

Me: “I can lower the mount a little, but would you be opposed to…” *I moved the monitors apart from one another.*

Owner: “OH! No, no, you can’t do that, I have to drag things back and forth.”

Me: “You will still be able to do that.”

Owner: “No, won’t they fall out?”

Me: “They… won’t they what fall out of what?”

Owner: “The files and the pictures, won’t they fall out if there’s a gap?”

Me: “No, sir. The desktop, the computer, it’s not a physical… uh… plane of existence, it’s uhh… It’s digital. So, think of a rectangle.”

Owner: “Yes?”

Me: “Okay, so that rectangle is the space of these two screens.”

Owner: “Yes?”

Me: “That rectangle remains intact whether or not you move the monitors apart, it’s… the 3D movement doesn’t influence the 2D space. Does that make sense? So, even if these monitors were on opposite sides of the room, as long as they are plugged into the computer, your rectangle is still the same.”

Owner: *Smiling.* “Good job.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Owner: “I know how a monitor works, son, but [My Boss] asked me to run that by you to evaluate your customer service skills.”

Me: “Incredible.”

Owner: “Yeah, well, he wanted to make sure you were up to snuff. This is your first service call, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Owner: “You are going to be dealing with a lot of elderly customers, some even older than me. You’re going to have to keep your head no matter what kind of questions they ask.”

Me: “Understandable.”

Owner: “Good man.”

He wandered off, and I finished my work. He was right. I didn’t go on service calls very often, but I did deal with some… colorful… let’s just say insults get more interesting with age.