An older lady comes into the store during the golden age of fax machines.

Customer: “I hear you can do faxing for customers?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we can do that for you. How many pages are you looking to fax?”

Customer: “Pages? What are you talking about? I want to send these cookies to my daughter!”

She places a tin on the counter.

Me: “Uh… I think you’d be better off using a post office for that.”

Customer: “Oh, do they have a fax machine, too?”

After an hour on the phone with someone trying to help them access their credit card’s account online, I have to send them a password reset. They’re a little older, so I use simple language when helping them navigate windows and pop-ups.

Me: “You can leave the credit card page open by clicking the long flat line button next to the red X in the top right corner. That should put that screen down, and go check your email with the webpage still at the bottom of the page.”

The phone goes quiet for a moment, and I hear some shuffling.

Caller: “Okay! I’ve put it down, but now I can’t see my email.”

Me: “Well, what do you see?”

Caller: “Uh, my wall?”

He had laid the monitor FLAT on the desk.

I worked at a sales call center for an electronics store back when every laptop had optical drives.

Caller: “I’m looking to see what you have in comparison for notebooks against a competitor’s notebook.”

Me: “I can certainly help you with that. Do you know the make or model of the notebook you wish to compare against?”

Caller: “I know it’s a DK6740.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that particular model. Is it okay if I place you on hold while I look into it?”

She says yes, and after a few minutes of Googling, I’m turning up zero results. I bring her off hold and ask where she saw it, who makes it, etc., and then go back to Googling. I find a potential search result match, but when I click the link, it turns out to just be a DVD player.

Me: “Ma’am, can I ask what you’re looking to use your notebook for? The only result I found is for a DVD player.”

Caller: “Is it black?”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “That’s the one!”

Me: “Oh, okay, so you’d like a notebook that you’ll mainly be using to play movies on?”

Caller: “Exactly!”

I go over what she’d like to use the notebook for and customize a midrange system to suit her needs, along with a few accessories. Then, I tell her a price of around $450, to which she laughs at me.

Caller: “That’s a little pricey.”

Me: “Well, you mentioned that you wanted to be able to do [functions], which you can do with the laptop, but you won’t be able to even access the Internet on the DVD player.”

Caller: “But here’s the thing. I don’t want to do all that. I just want to play DVDs.”

Me: “Well, I hate to lose a customer, but a DVD player might be your better option, then.”

Caller: *Becoming irate* “What?! Why the f*** can’t you price-match it?!”

Me: “You’re asking me to match the price of a laptop to a DVD player. How would that be different than walking down to the Chevrolet dealership and asking them to price-match against a bag of grapes?”

Caller: “Those are two separate situations, a**hole! All I’m going to use the notebook for is movies!”

Me: “Then I would recommend that you just buy a DVD player.”

Caller: “But I want a notebook!”

Me: “I’m not sure you do. If we proceed with this call, then I am selling you a notebook for a notebook’s price, which is $450. Shall we proceed?”

Caller: “…I’m not sure I like you.”

Me: “I don’t think you’re sure of anything. Have a nice day, ma’am!”

When you work in a sales call center, they’ll let you end a call if you know it’s not going to end in a sale. Call volume and sales over caller satisfaction can be exhausting, but it does mean you don’t have to put up with exhausting customers!

The Human Resources lady bursts into our office instead of logging a ticket.

HR Lady: “My computer is broken! It’s an emergency! I can’t do my job until you fix it!”

Since she is prone to causing a fuss, I decide to humor her and go to her desk.

Me: “What problem are you having?”

HR Lady: “Can’t you see?! The scroll bar on my inbox is gone! It’s gone!“

She is dramatically pointing at her email inbox.

Me: “Well, obviously. You’ve only got three items in there.”

HR Lady: “Well, fix it!”

Me: “There’s nothing to fix. The scroll bar will reappear when you get more emails.”

HR Lady: “No! You need to fix it now!”

Me: “Tell you what. Log the ticket officially, and I’ll fix it within the hour.”

She does so, and when I receive it I log the problem (without making her sound stupid, but anyone reading it will know that she is), and I especially log my creative solution.

Me: “I emailed the user ten times. Scroll bar magically reappeared.”

Caller: “I need you to send out a technician.”

Me: “Okay, tell me about what issue you’re having, and I’ll help you troubleshoot.”

Caller: “No, I don’t want you to troubleshoot. I want you to send me out a technician.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I need to try to diagnose the problem before I can send out a technician.”

Caller: *Sighs* “Fine. I’m installing your [latest software].”

Me: “And what issue did you have with the installation?”

Caller: “I haven’t installed it yet!”

Me: “Oh. So, what did you need the technician for?”

Caller: “In case something goes wrong! I don’t want to have to wait!” 

He did not get his technician.