I do writing commissions as a side job. The following is taken from a chat log after someone pings me for a commission slot:
Client: “Hey, so you do stories, right? How much do you charge?”
Me: “As my TOS states, the usual rate is [price] for every thousand words, though if you’re after something shorter, like a poem, we can negotiate a reduced price. I don’t charge extra if I go a bit over the agreed-on word limit.”
Client: “No, I’m after a story. Take a look.”
I get sent a document containing a multi-paragraph outline.
Me: “I see. Wow, this is quite an in-depth premise.”
Client: “Yeah, it’s something very personal and dear to me. I’ve been trying and trying to find someone to do it. Not many people want adult stuff like this.”
Me: “Well, I’m honored you deem me up to the task. And no worries that it’s adult-oriented, I’ve been asked to do way weirder stuff. What kind of budget or word total did you have in mind?”
Client: “What you just said. [Price] for a thousand words.”
I can see we’re going to have a problem. The story outline by itself totals around 1,265 words, features a cast of ten different characters, and ten very long, detailed scenes, each of which involves the entire cast. The last scene also involves a time skip, showing what the cast is getting up to several decades later in life, along with several paragraphs detailing what happened to each of them in the intervening years.
Me: “Um, I do apologize, but that’s really not going to be enough for this sort of epic yarn. You’re going to want a lot more for this.”
Client: “What do you mean? You said [Price] for a thousand words!”
Me: “Let me show you something.”
I sent over one of my sample stories.
Me: “That’s what just over a thousand words look like.”
Client: “What? That’s nothing! That’s all I get for [price]?!”
Me: “I mean, I COULD technically squeeze your story down to a thousand words, but it would involve reducing the scenes to about two to three sentences each, eliminating all the dialogue, and giving each character maybe five or so words for their descriptions. That MIGHT leave me just enough to quickly summarize this time skip you have at the end. If you can give me a second, I might be able to come up with an alternative.”
Client: “This is insane! I don’t have a lot of money! I thought you could do this! It’s extremely dear to my heart, so it has to be done right!
Me: “And I assure you I can do it right, but this is a very long, detailed premise. I mean, you’re basically asking me to write a novel. I’d estimate it’d need about 85,000 words to properly capture everything mentioned. I accept that it’ll get pretty pricey, so here’s what I recommend: I’ll do a breakdown of how many words I think each scene will require and what that will cost. Instead of paying for the whole thing at once, you can pay for each scene as you’re able to. It’ll take longer, but it’ll be far more affordable.”
Client: “I said I don’t have a lot of money! Fine, send me the breakdown.”
I do so and hear nothing more for an hour or so.
Client: “So the first scene would only be [basically a slight increase from my base rate]?”
Me: “Yep. If I can dedicate around two thousand or so words to that one part alone, I can really do something beautiful with it. And again, I don’t charge extra if I end up going a bit over.”
Client: “Okay, let me see if I can afford that.”
The chat log goes silent for the rest of the day. The next morning, I woke up to the following:
Client: “So I’ve thought it over and, frankly, I’m disappointed. This is an incredibly important and personal story to me, and you’re not only trying to bleed me of every penny my parents give me but also make me wait forever to see it done! I thought you’d be different from the other people who’ve laughed and turned me down, but no, you’re even worse! Thanks for wasting my f****** time, dip-s***!”
Me: “Then I’m sorry we couldn’t reach an agreement on this. If I may ask one thing: that bit about your parents giving you money… and also the fact that this very personal story of yours can basically be summarized as a guy, who I notice shares your screen name, living with a group of high school girls… how old are you?”
The chat program quickly notifies me that the not-to-be commissioner has blocked me.
Kind of a pity, really. The story wasn’t all that bad, despite what my summary of it might imply. Each girl got a full backstory and character arc, and the male character had some interesting flaws that played into his development. Would’ve been a cool project to work on, but I do expect to get paid appropriately for such work!
