Whether You Choose East or West It’s All Going South

, , , | Friendly | August 16, 2017

(I have never played Dungeons & Dragons before, but my friend decides to start a new campaign and I ask to join because I want to get into it. All of our discussion takes place over online chat because there are seven of us scattered across North America, plus our DM who lives in Norway. I’ve never met any of these people or heard their voices before I joined the campaign group. These are the highlights of our first session.)

(4:30pm:)

Friend #1: “What’s everyone up to?”

Me: “I’m eating spaghetti and I got marinara sauce on my t*tties.”

Friend #2: “How…?”

Me: “I’m eating shirtless so I don’t get marinara on my shirt, OBVIOUSLY.”

(5:00:)

Friend #1: “[Friend #6] said she’ll be at work late so we can start without her.”

DM: “Oh, god. That means I have to get started. I’m not prepared.”

(5:10:)

DM: “The tax collectors came from the east.”

Friend #2: “So if we want to follow them, we head west.”

Friend #3: “Wait… what?”

Me: “The opposite of east is west.”

Me and Friend #2: *at once* “Never Eat Soggy Waffles.”

Friend #4: *who is in Canada* “…what do they teach you people in America?”

(5:30:)

Me: “Be right back, my roommate has company over so I have to put a shirt on.”

Friend #1: “Marinara t*ts.”

(5:45:)

Friend #2: “Can I roll a perception check and try to peek in the window and see if I find anything suspicious?”

DM: “Sure.” *rolls dice* “You got a 10. You can look, but there are people around who might find it suspicious.”

Me: “[Friend #3] and I distract the villagers with our awesome dance moves!”

DM: “Okay…” *rolls* “You got 12. Your performance draws a few strange looks and is distracting enough that no one notices [Friend #2].”

Me: “Sweet! Do we get any tips for our sick moves?”

DM: “No.”

Me: “Aww.”

(6:15:)

DM: “Your party sets up camp by the road. It starts to get dark.”

Friend #2: “Should we build a campfire?”

DM: “You could, but keep in mind you’re a band of wanted criminals and the smoke could draw the authorities.”

Me: “Guys, I’m a fire genasi. My hair is literally smokeless fire.”

Friend #3: “So it’s settled. We’ll just huddle around [My Name] all night.”

(6:30:)

DM: “A pair of guards comes up the road. You need to hide quickly.”

(The rest of our party hides somewhat successfully, but I roll a one on stealth so my character decides to hide behind Friend #2 and stand very still. Note that Friend #2’s character is a lawful good monk.)

DM: “The guard asks what you’re doing.”

Friend #2: “What, me? I’m not doing anything.”

DM: “So what’s wrong with your friend there?”

Friend #2: “I was, uh… traveling to the monastery when I found this ungodly heathen–”

Me: “It’s true; I’m very ungodly.”

Friend #2: “I was bringing her with me so I could show her the light of the gods.”

DM: “I see. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that farm that burned down yesterday?”

Me: “Oh, because I’m a fire elemental, I’m automatically the subject of an arson case? This is racial profiling!”

DM: “The guard gets off his horse and attempts to arrest you.”

Me: “IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!”

(I roll a one, AGAIN, so when my character tries to attack the guard she ends up hitting herself with her own morning star. Thankfully, the rest of the party gets some fairly good rolls and we manage to kill the guard.)

Friend #2: “WE JUST KILLED A MAN!”

Friend #3: “It was in self-defense.”

Friend #2: “I’m lawful good! I’m a monk! It’s our first session and we just KILLED someone!”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Can I take his eyes as trophies?”

DM: “Sure.”

Friend #4: “If [My Name] gets to take his eyeballs then I’m taking his teeth!”

DM: “Okay.”

Friend #1: “Well, as long as we’re taking body parts… who’s going for his d**k?”

(We all ended up fighting for it, but Friend #2 was victorious.)

The Cult Of The Living Skull

, , , | Learning | August 9, 2017

(My friend works as an anthropologist at a university.)

Friend: “Funny story; I was glancing through our skull models and apparently we have the cast of Charles Manson’s skull in our collection? I just thought that was an odd choice.”

(Friend thinks for a moment…)

Friend: “Or wait, maybe it’s Charles Mason. That would make more sense.”

Me: “Charles Manson isn’t dead, so I hope not.”

Friend: “That’s why I was confused. Must have been the English astronomer, then.”

Jokes That Bring Out The Cry-Babies

, , , | Friendly | August 1, 2017

(I cook a lot. I also have a fairly dark sense of humor. This conversation happens on Facebook messenger.)

Me: “When talking to a friend about her baby and she tells me how much he weighs now. That’s twice the size of the pork butt I bought this morning!””

Friend: “Haha!”

Me: “Seriously, her kid is now 14 lbs, and the pork I bought was 7.5.”

Me: “I’m gonna have to cut it in half or thirds because the d*** thing won’t fit in my crock pot!”

Me: “The pork butt, not the baby.”

Friend: “Goodness!”

A Genius/Insane Lesson Plan

, | USA | Learning | July 3, 2017

(I’m on a voice chat with a few friends, one of who is still in high school. It is near the end of the school year and the one friend is in class with his headphones in, whispering into the mic to us.)

Friend: “So, Mr. [Teacher], what are we going to do today?”

Teacher: “The same thing we do every day, Pinky. We’re going to try to take over the world!”

Will Wait For The Movie

, , , , | Right | June 28, 2017

(This is an e-mail conversation:)

Customer: “I would like to know if [Title] has subtitles.”

(The title in question only appears in book form on our list.)

Coworker: “We cannot find the requested DVD; could you please let us know the article number?”

(The customer sends number of the book.)

Coworker: “Thank you for your e-mail, but this is information about a book.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know it’s a book; I still would like to know if it has subtitles.”

(It wasn’t even a children’s book or a book to learn a language. I had to explain that books in general don’t have subtitles.)

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