A Very Direct Message

, , , | Romantic | February 7, 2019

(A man I don’t know sends me a direct message on Facebook:)

Man: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: “I’m all right. Do I know you?”

Man: “No, but you could.”

Me: “Do we have mutual friends?”

Man: “Don’t think so.”

Me: “Did you see me at work or something?”

Man: “Wish I did!”

Me: “How did you come across my profile?”

Man: “Just looking for cuties. So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’m actually pretty boring.”

Man: A beauty like you? No way.”

Me: “Yeah. Pretty boring.”

Man: “You got a picture?”

Me: “Don’t you know what I look like?”

Man: “I’d like to know more.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Man: “I’ll trade you.”

Me: “No.”

Man: “I’m not ashamed.”

Me: “I’m not available.”

Man: “Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I don’t involve myself with d***wads.”

Man: “Well, I don’t involve myself with ugly f****** c***s like you.”

Me: “Then I guess we’re done here.”

Man: “Your p**** probably stinks.”

Me: “I guess you’ll never know.”

Man: “You’d be lucky to swallow my c*m.”

Me: “Your mother should have swallowed you.”

Man: “F*** YOU!”

Me: “Apparently, you’re not. Have a nice life!”

(I blocked him immediately.)

Reply All-ways Ends Up Like This

, , , | Working | January 23, 2019

(A project manager sends an email to all contractors who are scheduled to work on a project to upgrade computers for a large bank. Of course, even computer professionals will use “reply all.”)

Contractor #1: “Will do, thank you.”

Contractor #2: “Please remove me from emails. Thank you.”

Contractor #3: “Same here; please remove me, as well. Thanks.”

Contractor #4: “Please remove me from the emails.”

Contractor #5: “No need to ‘Reply To All’ for this request! Rookies!”

Contractor #2: “We reply all to make sure everyone got it… so don’t start the name-calling or feel any type of way, [Contractor #5]. Thank you all.”

Contractor #5: “Screw off, [Contractor #2]. I don’t even work for [Bank].”

Contractor #6: “PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM THIS LISTING.”

Contractor #2: “I couldn’t care less! You decided to say something back, and if that is the best you can say back… then why ‘reply all,’ f*** boy?”

Contractor #7: “Thank you for the reminder; however, I will not be able to do the training because I am in the middle of a project in another state.”

Project Manager: “For those of you who have requested to be removed: I will do so as I receive the requests. The other comments need to stop, please.”

Contractor #8: “Please remove me. Thank you.”

Contractor #9: “Remove me, as well.”

Contractor #10: “People, Please just reply to the original sender, not all.”

(The project manager sent her next email using blind carbon copy.)

Save The Sex Education For Later

, , , , , | Learning | December 20, 2018

I work for an overseas company as an English teacher. Everything is done through a virtual classroom. One day, I am teaching a student with the parents in the background. Besides the slides we are working off of, there are two videos: one of me, one of him.

In the student’s background, I see the parents on the couch, talking. Nothing unusual. As the student works on a particularly difficult puzzle, I see the mother sit on top of the father and bend over. All of a sudden, they start doing some very heavy making out, complete with hip humping.

Not wanting the student to see, and not wanting to see anything myself, I loudly tell the student “GOOD JOB! THAT WAS WELL DONE!” Instantly, the parents look over, suddenly remembering they aren’t alone. The mother sits on the opposite end of the couch, and they both pull out their phones like nothing happened. I finish the lesson with the student, who is none the wiser… I hope!

Unfiltered Story #133404

, , | Unfiltered | December 18, 2018

me: Good morning (company’s name)
customer: Where are your stores?
me: Actually we do not have any stores, our company is based online and over the phone. This means that anything you order from us is delivered directly to you.
customer: (frustrated voice)Okay…but where are your stores?
me: Like I said. We have no  store locations. Everything is online.
customer: (Even more frustrated voice) Why are you not answering my question, where is your store.
me: Like I said we do not have any physical store locations. We are all online.
Customer: (yelling at this point) You dumb B****, it’s a simple question. Just tell me where the store is.
Me: There are no stores.
Customer: Well why didn’t you just say that earlier. (hangs up)

Around 1 in 5 calls is like this. If they stay on the line I transfer them over to the appropriate department of products they are looking at. The people who get my transfer calls sit behind me. The first line I always hear my coworkers say after getting one of these calls is “No, we do not have any store locations, we are only online”. Because the customer still doesn’t understand the concept of online.

Unfiltered Story #127629

, , | Unfiltered | November 25, 2018

(The customer called to buy a specific lead required to connect her laptop to a loudspeaker she had purchased from us previously. The story begins after a painful 5 minutes of me struggling to help her find the item in question on our site – something I know most of our customers could do with no assistance)

Customer: “OK I’m going to the checkout now… Wait! It’s telling me there’s a £6 delivery charge? I’m not paying that, I already bought the speaker from you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that charge is there because it costs us money to send stuff out to you. If you had bought everything at the same time there would be just one delivery charge.”

Customer: “Well I didn’t do that because the website made it look like it came with that lead.”

(I checked the page and went back after the call and double checked, there was nothing on the page to indicate the lead was included)

Me: “Sorry but I think you might be confused, the website doesn’t say that. If it’s a problem there’s two day delivery which is £3.”

Customer: “No, no, no! I need this lead TOMMOROW!”

Me: “Well then next day delivery is £6.”

Customer: “This isn’t acceptable. If you don’t give me free delivery then I’ll send the speaker back for a refund.”

(Under UK law anything bought online can be returned within a certain period, even if it’s been used and they don’t have the original packaging. Returned electric goods can be very hard to sell and cost the business a lot of money. In the end I stood down and gave her free delivery. She stands as a infuriating example of a customer that makes a mistake, can’t take the blame for it then makes you suffer for it.)

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