Best. Tech Support Call. Ever.

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Boobel | August 4, 2021

I work for an online gambling firm. Rather than having loads of varying departments, we try to resolve as much as possible with one agent to create a better customer experience to save transferring customers.

On my first day, I am listening in on someone taking the calls. A technical call comes in.

An elderly lady is calling up because her screen is flashing lots of different colours and is making a lot of noise, so she had to turn the sound off. The agent asks what she has been doing, and she starts navigating around the account details as the lady is detailing what she sees on her screen. She describes what sounds like a broken monitor, but it’s only just happened.

It sounds like the lady puts the phone down on a surface for a moment as we can hear her, muffled, in the background. This is when the agent I’m listening in on starts to go white. She taps my hand, and on the screen, she has highlighted the balance of the customer’s account.

It’s £297,000.

Immediately, the agent throws her hand in the air to alert everyone of a big win. People start crowding around the desk. I feel SO pumped.

The lady comes back onto the phone.

Lady: “Sorry, I went to get my glasses.”

Agent: *Very calmly* “I think I have found the problem, but I need you to turn your sound on.”

The sound is duly turned on, the agent hits the speakerphone button on her terminal, and we all hear the sound of party poppers and general celebration sounds. The flashing screen and the sounds were the notification that she had won a progressive jackpot. The agent asks her to sit down.

Agent: *Still calm* “You’ve won £297,000. I have never been so happy to confirm that there is no technical issue.”

The lady is quiet for several seconds before shouting:

Lady: “’Albert, quickly come here! ALBERT, ALBEEEERT!”

A senior agent took the call and arranged to get the funds sent out.

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And I Thought That Strapless Top I Wore Last Week Was Awkward

, , , , , , | Working | August 3, 2021

More than half of the attorneys I work for in my office are Jewish. We’re currently all working from home, and all our meetings with each other and clients are virtual.

At today’s meeting, our boss passes on a virtual meeting tip that someone who can’t attend today has shared: “Do not have a book with a Nazi symbol visible in the background, even if it’s just a book about the Third Reich.”

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Stupidity In Full Bloom

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2021

I work for a gardening company that has multiple companies under it. I work in a chat for all the companies and usually just answer typical gardener questions.

Visitor: “Hi, I have a question about one of your items.”

Me: “Absolutely! How may I assist you today?”

Visitor: “I see here on this iris, it says it comes packaged as ten per package. So how many will I get in each package?”

I have to read the question a few times to be sure I understand. 

Me: “For every 1 (one) package of that iris, you will receive 10 (ten) of the irises.”

Visitor: “But how many exactly?”

Me: “You will receive exactly ten irises.”

Visitor: “I don’t think you understand. If I want one order, how many irises will I receive?”

Me: “If you order one order, you will get ten. If you order two orders, you will get twenty. Multiply each other by ten, and that’s the number of Irises you will receive.”

Visitor: “That doesn’t work if you multiply it by zero.”

Me: “I am very sorry for the confusion, but it does work; if you order zero orders you will receive zero irises.”

Visitor: “I didn’t come here to do math, I came to garden, and you are no help!”

They then disconnected the chat. I still don’t know what I could have said to help.

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Scooting Your Way To Internet Drama

, , , , , | Legal | July 14, 2021

Despite being illegal to use on paths in many parts of the country, electric scooters are really popular, especially with children. They are a bit of a hazard. Kids being kids have limited control, the brakes aren’t great, and they can go pretty quickly and are mostly made from un-padded steel.

I recently found out how dangerous they can be, as a child hit me at full speed, breaking several bones in my foot. The kid was unhurt but ran off when he saw me on the ground, leaving his precious scooter behind.

The police didn’t have the power to help me, and the school didn’t seem to want to help, so I took to social media with a picture of the scooter.

Me: “Are you a parent of a child that goes to [School]? Has your child come home missing this scooter? Then please let me know, as I have several broken bones and would love how you intend to apologise.”

I got a lot of comments, many from people who thought I was in the wrong, that I had somehow stolen this kid’s property — he left it behind and the police wouldn’t take it — that I was being dramatic — I couldn’t walk properly for months — and generally that I should get over it.

Eventually, I got a direct message from someone that could be the kid’s mother.

Kid’s Mother: “I think you have my son’s scooter. When can I collect it?”

Me: “I need to make sure it’s his. Why don’t you bring him down and he can apologise when he collects it?”

Kid’s Mother: “I’m not doing anything. Give me the scooter.”

Me: “Sorry, I need to be sure that it’s his. I will hand it in to the police if no one collects it this week.”

This led to several increasingly threatening and aggressive messages. I copied them down and handed them to the police. Now, with evidence, they could do something: they paid her a visit and warned her that if she contacted me again, it could mean jail time!

As for the scooter, I handed it in as “lost,” but no one collected it and it legally came back to me. It turned out to be worth a bit of money. I sold it and took the family on a short holiday once I finally healed.

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Let’s Shelve This Conversation… And Leave It There Forever

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Alternate_chaos5150 | July 14, 2021

I do woodworking and sell some of my work online. I got this message.

Buyer: “Hey, I saw that shelf on your [Business] page. I am into that rustic style. Is that for sale?”

Me: “No, sorry, that was built for me, but I am always willing to make something if someone is interested.”

Buyer: “That would be awesome! How long would it take?”

Me: “Not sure. I am scheduled to do overtime for a bit, so it will be hard to get to, but it only took a weekend to do that one.”

Buyer: “No rush, just curious. So, about a price?”

Me: “Material prices are high right now, so we’re looking at about $380 for just the wood if you want it built exactly the same as the one I have. Mine is like four feet tall and six feet long.”

Buyer: “Really? $380?”

Me: “I just price wood from [Home Improvement Store #1] or [Home Improvement Store #2]. The $380 doesn’t include stain, nails, screws, etc. The things needed for assembly would be extra.”

Buyer: “Really, extra on top of the $380? Don’t you already have that stuff for assembly?”

Me: “I do but I can’t just give it away. That stuff costs me money. There would also be a cost for me assembling the shelf.”

Buyer: “You’re trying to rip me off.”

Me: “No, I am not. You contacted me about a shelf.”

Buyer: “So how much?”

Me: “$380 for wood, about 25% more for assembly materials, plus a fee to assemble it.”

Buyer: “Okay, so what does all that add up to?”

Me: “I’m going to guess $650ish.”

Buyer: “No way. I can get someone else to do it cheaper.”

Me: “Okay, well, get someone else to do it cheaper.”

Buyer: “Why so much?”

Me: “I already explained why. I will also only deliver as far as [Town #1] before it will start to cost more.”

Buyer: “I’m in [Town #2].”

Me: “I know that but I’m not burning up a bunch of gas to deliver this.”

Buyer: “I see people advertising stuff on [Website] all the time cheaper than this.”

Me: “Maybe they don’t get their materials the same place I do. I don’t know how people price their stuff. But again, you contacted me. If you don’t want to do business, that’s cool with me.”

Buyer: “I think you’re a ripoff.”

Me: “That’s your opinion. Have a good day.”

Buyer: “That’s it? You’re done?”

Me: “I’m done. I’m out. I do this as a hobby and make a little money from it. I don’t want a hassle from it.”

Buyer: “It’s just that the cost is too high.”

Me: “It’s cool. Find someone else to build it. Even send them pics of mine if you like.”

Buyer: “How much for the waving flag?”

Me: “$100.”

Buyer: “For just a flag?”

Me: “There is a lot of work that goes into those, and again, the price of wood isn’t cheap.”

Buyer: “Whatever. $400.”

Me: “$400?”

Buyer: “The shelf. I’ll give you $400.”

Me: “I can do a smaller, cheaper version, but not $400. That would be basically doing it for cost or possibly even losing money.”

Buyer: “It’s a gift, though.”

Me: “I’m not in a gift-giving mood.”

Buyer: “You’re an a**.”

Me: “Have a good day.”

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