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Tapping Into Their Private Matters

, , , , , | Right | February 8, 2023

This interaction is mostly through email (and paraphrased).

Client: “I want to talk to someone.”

Me: “Of course. Please let us know what this is about, so I can redirect your email if needed.”

Client: “I want to talk to someone. It’s about my home.”

Me: “I understand, but what is the matter?”

Client: “That is private. Please redirect my mail to someone who can call me.”

Me: “I’d love to, but I need to get the gist of what this is about so I can ask the right person to call you.”

Client: “I want someone to call me.”

Me: “If you want to speak to someone live, you can call our customer service. If you want someone to call you, please tell us what it is about.”

Client: “You are invading my privacy!”

Me: “I understand that it’s an inconvenience to explain things, but we have over 600 people working here, from technicians to administrators. If you want me to redirect your email to the right department, I have to know more.”

Client: “Fine! My water tap is leaking.”

Me: “Oh, that is indeed an inconvenience. Luckily, I can help you with that. We can make an appointment with a plumber for you.”

Client: “I don’t want an appointment with a plumber. I want someone to call me!”

I decide I’ve had enough of it, leave my station, and pick one with a phone. I call the client.

Client: “Ugh, finally! That person in the email was so rude — not helpful at all! Anyway, now that you’re calling, my neighbour is parking outside the lines on the parking lot.”

Me: “I thought your email mentioned a leaking tap?”

Client: “I just said that because that annoying person kept on asking. Now, what will you do about my neighbour’s parking?”

It was a public parking place, so we did nothing. She did not like that.

Shake The Salt Shaker And Shake Up The Internet

, , , , , , , , | Right | February 6, 2023

A few months after we have cameras installed, a group comes in consisting of three adults and two kids who are maybe six or seven. They order and sit at two tables to wait. The adults are at a four-seater table and the kids are at a two-seater right next to them.

Immediately, all of the adults bury themselves in their phones, not paying any attention to the kids. The kids decide it’s a dandy idea to play with the salt and pepper shakers by crashing them into each other. A cashier walks over to very obviously clean a nearby table, giving the adults the opportunity to step in and stop the kids from roughly playing with glass.

Crickets from the adults. They’re too busy on their phones.

The cashier walks over to the kids’ table with a huge smile and takes the shakers OFF THE TABLE.

Cashier: *With a big grin* “Don’t want you to get hurt, guys!”

As she walks away with the shakers, the kids start complaining to Mom. It takes Mom a minute to even look up ’cause, you know, HER PHONE.

Mom: *To the cashier* “Why are you so mean? The kids weren’t doing anything wrong!

Blah, blah, blah. Their food is ready, and they go out ranting and moaning.

Mom: “Well, we were gonna stay and eat, but because you’re so rude, now we’re not!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is a win.

Mom: “And we’re never coming back!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is an even bigger win!

Later in the day, Mom ups the ante. She goes to our Facebook to tell her version of what happened.

Mom: “The cashier screamed at my kids! She wrenched the shakers out of their hands and nobody apologized!”

By the time any of us noticed, there were already a few comments, all on her side. Oh, poor kids, the cashier should be fired, you should have gotten your food for free, they owe you an apology, every retail worker on the face of the earth doesn’t want to work anymore, they and all their family members should die in a fire, etc. It was the standard Internet commentary from people who weren’t there, assumed they knew everything, and had absolutely zero chill.

My IT team — basically my two sons and a nephew — uploaded the footage of what REALLY happened. About the only thing Mom didn’t lie about was that they were there and nobody apologized as there was nothing to apologize for. Nobody screamed, the cashier was showing her pearly whites, and nobody “wrenched” the shakers out of the kids’ hands. BUT someone was more interested in her phone than watching her kids. It showed the kids trying to get her attention and her shooing them away.

The next morning, there were about four phone messages from Mom begging us to take down the video. She was getting roasted and toasted online and begged us to pleeeeeeeeeease take it down NOW.

We did eventually take it down… about a month later.

The Internet Will Make A Monkey Out Of You If You’re Not Careful

, , , , , | Working | January 30, 2023

The elderly security guard at my office sent me a random video on YouTube. I only took a quick glance at the video, found it a waste of time, and resumed doing my work.

Guard: “Hey, girl, did you see the video I sent you?”

Me: “Oh, not yet, sorry. I haven’t had time.”

Guard: “Go watch it! You’ll be shocked! It was so creepy!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guard: “You don’t think it’s creepy that a girl gave birth to a monkey?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Guard: “Didn’t you see the video? The girl gave birth to the monkey! It was so disgusting and freaky!”

Me: “That’s not possible. Humans can’t give birth to monkeys.”

Guard: “Yes, she did. The video shows it!”

At this point, I really didn’t want to waste my time arguing with him about this, but I was using the photocopier and he was standing right by the door fixing something, so I couldn’t leave. I tried to end the conversation by downplaying the video. 

Me: “It was probably a hoax or video manipulation. It’s impossible for a human to give birth to a monkey.”

Guard: “There’s no such thing as impossible in this world. There are so many things that you probably haven’t heard of before. You go watch that video; you’ll see it for yourself. She gave birth to a baby that is stunted and tiny, with white hair all over it. Like a monkey.”

Me: *Dismissively* “If that’s the case, then I don’t think it was a monkey. Maybe the woman gave birth to a little person—”

Guard: *Cutting me off* “It was no dwarf! It was a monkey! You go watch the video!”

Later, during my break, I went to watch the video. At this point, I was only doing it so he would stop bothering me about it. The video was a (thankfully short) clip of a young woman bathing a baby monkey and swaddling it in a blanket like a human baby. That was all. It didn’t show her giving birth at all. There was absolutely NOTHING in it that could make someone think that the woman had given birth to a monkey.

Guard: So, did you see the video?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s just a girl bathing a baby monkey.”

Guard: Well, it was a newborn. She obviously just gave birth to it! And you see the way she wraps it in the blanket? Why would she do that if it wasn’t her baby?”

Me: “She might be a vet”.

Guard: “No, I tell you, that’s her baby! She gave birth to a freaking monkey!”

I decided to just let it rest. There was no way I could get him to see reason. But this conversation was a real eye-opener on how wild rumours and crazy conspiracy theories get started!

What Is It About Petty Revenge That’s So Satisfying?!

, , , | Right | CREDIT: SRG4Life | January 28, 2023

About a year and some change ago, my cousin was stationed at the Air Force base close to my house and was living with us. He is a total shopaholic. He says things are cheaper where I live.

He found rolls of 12/2 wire on a personal selling app at almost 50% less than at the store. Obviously, my cousin thought it was a bargain. He made an offer and the guy accepted.

We drove down an hour, and this guy said he’d gotten a better offer. Naturally, my cousin got p*ssed and bummed out.

Me: “We should totally mess with this guy.”

I got the same app and found the guy’s post. I made an offer for the full price of the cable, which was steep. I can’t remember how much exactly, but it was more than $2,000.

After messaging for hours and making the guy drive an hour past my house — he lived south and I live north — he told me he was at the random store where we’d agreed to meet. I blocked him.

A few minutes later, he messaged my cousin.

Guy: “My buyer backed out. Do you still want the cable?”

My cousin made a counteroffer even cheaper than he’d originally agreed to pay. The guy agreed and showed up at my house, got less than 50%, and unloaded the cable for my cousin.

My cousin wasn’t sad anymore.

Save The Trash Talk For Home, Buddy

, , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

I’m a department head in the company I work for. I was showing a presentation to our company before showcasing it to our clients. There were about thirty-five people in the video conference. 

We have an instant messenger for inside the company only. The head of another department didn’t realize they were typing in the video chat and not the instant messenger; they look similar.

Department Head: *Typing in the chat* “I can’t believe this. No one is going to sign for this. What a giant, boring waste of f*****’ time. [My Name] is an idiot who is wasting company time.”

I stopped talking and sat quietly for about twenty seconds while I took a screenshot of that.

Me: *Out loud* “Hey, [Department Head], you can get off the call now.”

Department Head: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s a waste of your valuable time, and you should go do more productive things with it — like telling Human Resources why you’ve been kicked off this call.”

He started to stutter.

Me: “Either you can call them or I can, but either way, this meeting is not moving forward with you in it.”

He logged off, and we had a meeting the next day with HR about workplace harassment; his personal attack on me qualified. He was silent the entire time.

HR asked what my feelings were, and I said that [Department Head] owed me and the entire company an apology. He had to apologize and ended up with a week of unpaid suspension.