An old man wanders over to me and asks:

Customer: “Can you adjust my hearing aid for me?”

Me: “I can try! Are you having a particular issue?”

Customer: “I just need you to find the Jesus frequency.”

Me: “The… what now?”

Customer: “The Jesus frequency. Jesus talks to people, but on very specific frequencies.”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “And since hearing aids can be adjusted, I wanted you to search for the Jesus frequency.”

Me: “I don’t think I’m qualified for that kind of… uh… tune-up.”

Customer: “Yes, you are! Just have faith!”

Me: “I’m an atheist.”

Customer: “Then even more reason for you to hear Jesus!”

Me: “If you’re having trouble hearing people and things on Earth, I can help with that. Anything else, you need to go to your church.”

Customer: “Oh my poor child. You won’t find Jesus at a church!”

He was very pleasant and calm, but it did take me a while to convince him that I wouldn’t be able to find that specific frequency. I did tell him that the local Walmart and Costco have hearing aid centers, and he chose to go to Costco. Why? Because…

Customer: “I’m already a member, and Jesus wouldn’t ever be found in Walmart!”

I guess Jesus shops wholesale?

I recently started working at my local electronics store, and one day whilst I was doing resets of returned computers, there was an elderly man sitting on one of the waiting chairs and asked me if I could queue him in for tech support.

It was me and, like, three others; we’re very short-staffed.

I asked him if he had an appointment, and he said no; he just told me about how he “had cancer” and “almost passed out waiting for us.” I hadn’t been properly trained just yet, so I asked one of my higher-ups to take care of him.

I overheard the conversation that ensued, and the man said again that he had cancer and almost passed out waiting, but my higher-up saw through him and said that if he’s prone to passing out simply sitting and waiting, then that’s an urgent medical issue and he should see a doctor, as a tech store is the last place he wants to be if he does pass out.

The guy just left, but man, was it satisfying to witness.

Back when I worked retail (early aughts), I had a customer call the store:

Caller: “Yeah, I just bought [item].”

I remember his distinctive voice as belonging to the customer who just bought a Sirius XM radio unit.

Caller: “I got it out of the box and… well, I am very disappointed. Why is there writing burned into the screen?”

Me: “Did you take the protective sticker off of the screen?”

Caller: “What sticker?”

Sound of something being peeled.

Caller: “Oh, I… uh… I figured it out.” *Click.*

A customer is looking over our air-conditioning units when he stops and stares thoughtfully at one.

Customer: “I always wondered, where does the cold air from the AC come from?”

Me: “The unit takes heat out of the air that’s already inside the room. Refrigerant absorbs that heat, carries it through the system, and releases it outside. The cooler air is then circulated back into the room.”

Customer: “Okay, but where does the cold air come from?”

Me: “It doesn’t bring cold air in from somewhere else. It cools the air that’s already around you.”

Customer: “How?”

Me: “Think of it like a refrigerator. A refrigerator doesn’t have a supply of cold inside it. It moves heat from the inside of the fridge to the outside. An air conditioner does the same thing with a room.”

Customer: “Right, but where is it getting the cold air?”

Me: “It pulls in the warm air from your room, removes some of the heat, and blows that same air back out cooler.”

Customer: “So it makes cold air?”

Me: “Not exactly. Cold isn’t something being added. Heat is being removed.”

He looks increasingly frustrated.

Customer: “Look, I just want to know if it’s connected to a pipe with the cold air coming through or whatever.”

Me: “There isn’t a pipe supplying it with cold air.”

Customer: “If we’re importing cold air from Canada, then I’m not interested, but if it’s coming from the USA then that’s okay…”

A customer came back to the shop with his tablet he’d purchased earlier in the day. The following is a much, much, MUCH abbreviated version of events that took place over the entire day:

Customer: “It doesn’t work like it should!”

We turn it on, and it just works, but before we could ask any details:

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong!”

He takes the thing out of our hands and tries turning it on again by holding down the power button. But then, when the logo appears, he keeps holding down the power button, so it shuts off again.

Customer: “See! It’s turning off! It’s not working!”

Me: “You need to let go of the power button when the logo appears.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because continuing to hold it down forces the tablet to turn off again.”

Customer: “But I’m holding the button because I want it to turn on.”

Me: “It does turn on. You just have to release the button once it starts.”

He tries again, holding the power button until the tablet switches itself off.

Customer: “See? It did it again!”

I call over a tech guy to help him, as I don’t have time for this.

Customer: “See! It’s broken!”

Tech Guy #1: “Because you’re still holding the button down.”

Customer: “But if I let go, how will it know I want it on?”

Tech Guy #1: “That… that makes zero sense.”

Customer: “Yes it does! This thing is broken!”

Tech Guy #1: “Because pressing the button already told it to turn on.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense.”

Exasperated, [Tech Guy #1] calls over a more experienced tech guy:

Tech Guy #2: “Press the button, wait for the logo, and then release it.”

The customer tries again. The logo appears, but he continues holding the button until the tablet shuts down, despite all of us practically shouting “let go!”

Customer: “It’s broken! Get me your manager!”

Tech Guy #2: “Please, just try one more time, and let go the instant I say.”

He does so, and as soon as the logo appears:

Tech Guy #2: “Now! Let go now!”

Customer: “No! It won’t turn on if I let go now!”

Tech Guy #2: “It’s on… right… now!”

Customer: “Look! It’s turned off again! It’s broken! Get me your manager!”

All completely exasperated, we summon the boss, who tries to explain it all over again. This guy just does not understand what we are trying to tell him (let go of the d*** power button!)

The boss takes me aside.

Boss: “I want to give him a new tablet, just to get rid of him.”

Me: “That’s not a good idea.”

Boss: “Why not?”

Me: “He’s just gonna come straight back saying the new tablet has the same problem.”

The boss gives him a replacement anyway. A couple of hours later, he’s back.

Customer: “This one has the same problem!”

The boss takes me aside again after yet another ten minutes failing to get the customer to understand his problem.

Me: “Told you!”

Boss: “I’m so tired. Tell him we’re willing to give him his money back if he promises to never set foot in our shop again.”

Me: “You tell him!”

My boss does so, and he leaves. A few days later, he gives us a call. He bought a no-brand tablet in a local supermarket, and whaddayaknow, it has the same problem!

Customer: “Could you maybe help me with it?”

Boss: *To me.* “This guy is like a fart in a spacesuit.”

Me: “That’s what you get for enabling stupidity! Have fun with your new friend!”