A tornado has done some damage to our retail park. As a result, the entire back-end of our phone store no longer has a roof, and our stock room’s walls are half gone. The whole area has been cordoned off, but after a couple of weeks, Corporate deems us able to serve customers as most of our stock can be on the shop floor and facilities have been provided using portable toilets.

Customer: “I need a new iPhone. I need it in space grey and with 512GB memory.”

Me: “I don’t think we have that configuration in stock.”

Customer: “Oh, you have to! I need a replacement today!”

Me: *Confirming* “I’m afraid we don’t, sir. We would need to order that in, for you.”

Customer: “Can’t you check the back?”

Me: “Not right now, sir. I—”

Customer: “Stop being lazy! Just check the back and see if you have one!”

I go over to the door that used to lead to our backroom, open it, and let the customer see the broad daylight and distinct lack of… a room.

Customer: “Well… you shouldn’t be open without a back!”

Me: “Finally, we can agree on something, sir.”

I ordered an OLED Switch from the website of a major electronics chain, and I went to pick it up in the store.

While I was buying it, a woman’s child saw it and started whining about it. The woman offered to pay me the base cost for it. I’m not above a bit of scalping if the price is right, but it wasn’t.

Woman: “A grown-a** man like you shouldn’t be playing video games!”

Me: “Well, this grown-a** man is going to go play Pokemon on his new OLED Switch.”

She fumed and tried to snatch my bag, not realizing it was one of those anti-theft ones with metal handles to prevent that exact act. She lost the tug of war and tried to leave, but she got stopped by security.

I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I did.

A customer comes in with their laptop, complaining that the Internet is slow. We open it up to try to troubleshoot.

Me: “Well, sir, I think I see your problem.”

Customer: “What is it?”

Me: “You currently have 302 tabs open on your Internet browser.”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “Well, that’s… a lot. I’m surprised your browser hasn’t crashed, to be perfectly honest. I would recommend using the ‘favorites’ feature and closing most of these down.”

Customer: “No! Then they’ll change the site! I always leave a website and when I come back they change it. I like them just as they are.”

Me: “Well, websites change, sir. They update them to remain current.”

Customer: “Idiots! I don’t use the Internet to stay current!”

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 2
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet

A customer comes in with a tablet she purchased from us.

Customer: “I have a problem with my Internet.”

Me: “Oh, well, did you—”

Customer: “There are other people using it.”

Me: “Well, did you share your password with any—”

Customer: “No, let me show you.”

She opens up a webpage, a forum she looks like she has been reading.

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “It’s a forum, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, but look! Other people are using it!”

Me: “Wait, is your complaint that other people are accessing the same websites as you?”

Customer: “Yes! I paid for my Internet! Other people should go and use their own!”

Me: “Ma’am, the Internet is a shared service. For the most part, everyone on the planet has access to the same websites as you.”

Customer: “Well, how do I get rid of them? I paid! I should get my own Internet!”

After my manager and I try to explain, she snatches up her tablet and marches out the door.

Customer: “Ridiculous! I should have just stuck to books!”

Related:
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet

I have a coworker who is neurodivergent. He essentially takes most spoken phrases literally and has difficulty understanding some societal nuances. Funnily enough, he talks at length about his love for “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and how he relates to the character Data.

Customer: “I need to return this iPhone.”

Coworker: “What is the reason for the return?”

Customer: “It broke.”

The customer presents a phone with a cracked screen. The receipt puts it outside our return window.

Coworker: “Did you purchase a warranty with us or Apple?”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to! It shouldn’t break so easily! I need this refunded!”

Coworker: “I’m afraid that if you’ve not purchased a warranty, there is nothing we can do.”

Customer: “Look! The customer is always right! I need—”

Coworker: “That’s not true.”

Customer: “What?”

Coworker: “You’re not right in this instance. And you’re a customer. Therefore, the customer cannot always be right.”

The customer is dumbfounded for a moment, as calling out the obviousness of the biggest fallacy in retail isn’t expected in our field.

Customer: “No… I mean, you have to do as I say! I need you to—”

Coworker: “That’s not true. I am here to service our customers within the store policies. Outside store policies, there is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Then I need to speak to a manager!”

A manager is called, and the return is denied. As the customer storms out, she passes my coworker.

Customer: “And you! You… it’s like talking to a robot!”

Coworker: *Beaming* “Thank you!”