Laptops Now Require 14 Exabyte Hard Drives

, , , , | Right | November 28, 2018

Customer: “Hi. I’d like a laptop. Does this one have Internet built in?”

Me: “They all have Wi-Fi built in. You’ll just need to connect to it via the password and such.”

Customer: “No, I mean a laptop that has Internet built in, so I don’t need Wi-Fi.”

Me: “No… none of them have that.”

Wi-Fi Range Extender Extended Beyond All Physical Means To Work

, , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(A customer comes to return a Wi-Fi range extender. The receipt says that it was purchased yesterday.)

Me: “Why are you returning it?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “All right.”

(I open the package, and before taking the range extender out of the box, I can see that it’s extremely dirty. I have a hard time believing this was purchased less than 24 hours ago, but I continue to look it over, anyway, and take it completely out of the box. Part of the plastic next to one of the plug-in prongs is burnt and melted.)

Me: “Um, this is melted.”

Customer: “Yeah, it did that.”

Me: “It just did that when you first plugged it in?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you why you’re returning it?”

Customer: “Because it came like that.”

Me: *pause* “It came burnt?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I turn the item over to check the serial number and sure enough, it doesn’t match the serial number on the box.)

Me: “Well, the serial numbers don’t match, so this isn’t the item that came in the box.”

Customer: “Yes, it is!”

Me: “There wouldn’t be a melted item in a brand-new box.”

(My manager comes over and starts looking at it.)

Manager: “Was the box opened when you bought it?”

Customer:She just opened it!” *pointing at me* “I didn’t do it!”

Manager: “Well the serial numbers don’t match, so this isn’t the item that came in the box.”

Customer: “Yes, it is! It’s the same model number!”

Manager: “Well, I can’t return this, because clearly you bought a new range extender yesterday to replace your damaged one, and you’re trying to swap them out so you don’t have to pay for your new one.”

Customer: “No, it was open when I bought it!”

Manager: “It wouldn’t have been opened when you bought it, because it would have had a sticker on it signed by a manager to say that everything was inside and working.”

Customer: “That’s how it came!”

Manager: “Well, I’m not returning it.”

(He didn’t argue anymore.)

Unfiltered Story #127581

, , | Unfiltered | November 22, 2018

Customer: Are your phones broken or something?

Me: No…? Um, we can’t answer the phones if we’re already with customers, so maybe that’s why no one picked up.

Customer: Oh someone picked up.

Me: … oh…? I thought you said no one answered?

Customer: No I didn’t! I asked you if they were broken!

Me: Oh, ok. Well I don’t understand why you’re asking me that, then.

Customer: Because I called three times!

Me: And only got through once?

Customer: No I got through each time!

Me: I don’t understand.

Customer: I kept getting cut off! And I had to keep calling back!

Me: Oh, weird. Maybe one of them is broken, then. Sorry about that. We’ll have to take a look at that.

Customer: Oh maybe she just didn’t want to talk to me!

Me: Um, I highly doubt she hung up on you…

(Turns out one of the phones was broken! haha)

Your Printer Requires Some Hyper-Ventilation

, , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I’m a customer in this. A woman comes up to me with her arms loaded with printer cartridges. She drops them on the floor before addressing me.)

Woman: “Can you help me? I’m trying to find the right cartridge for my printer. It’s all so confusing!”

Me: “It can quite a bit daunting. Sure, I can help.”

Woman: “I get all in a panic and have to sit down.”

Me: “Really?”

Woman: *nodding frantically* “I’m on pills for it. The stress is. Just. Too. Much!”

Me: “Okay… Which printer do you have?”

Customer: *company and model* “I have my used one with me. They have a bin for them!”

(She hands me the cartridge, with the label and number associated with that particular model still attached. None of the ones she dumped are right, so I head to the shelves. I find it quite quickly and hand it to her. She looks are me like I’ve sprung from the underworld.)

Woman: “How… How did you do that?!”

Me: *pointing at the cartridge* “That number is on every colour cartridge you buy for your printer. You use that to find the right one.”

(Dumbfounded, she looked at the number, before hyperventilating. I started panicking myself until she grabbed a bottle from her bag and dropped whatever was inside into her mouth. She headed to the checkout, noticeably calmer, mumbling a “thanks” as she chewed. I see her pretty much every time I go in to buy something, and when she notices me she points at whatever cartridge she’s holding and guffaws. I can’t fathom why should would need so much ink, but I hope she tries to get a better printer, as it must cost her a fortune!)

Shopping With Dr. Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I have an autistic friend. We are actually both autistic but in very different ways; I’m much better at dealing with practical household things — like setting up a TV or 5.1 sound system–  than he is, whereas he is much better at the everyday essentials like work, money, and bills than I am. Between us, we manage okay. Like many on the spectrum, my friend finds certain everyday environments, such as his workspace, cold and distressing, so I’ve been helping him make a “safe space” for himself at home. Basically, it’s a lot of relaxing mood lighting with speakers and a monitor so he can watch video or listen to music from his media devices in a space he finds soothing. It’s my first attempt, so I’ve initially been using cheap Chinese equipment ordered online until I’m sure it’s what he wants and it all works, and, as is often the case with cheap Chinese imports, some of it fails pretty quickly. We decide to go shop at a local high street store that sells similar items, now that we know for sure what it is we need. In the store, a smiling assistant approaches us:)

Me: “Oh, hi. We’re just looking for your home lighting section.”

Friend: “We’d normally order things like this from China for a fraction of what you guys sell it for here, I’m sure, but we need it quickly today, so we came here, instead!”

Me: *embarrassed* “Oh.” *laughs* “[Friend], yes, well, I don’t think this gentleman really needs to know that. Let’s just go get the things we need today, shall we?”

(The store assistant looks a little wide-eyed, but duly directs us. My friend is easily distracted by all the flashing, beeping technology on display, but I manage to get us over to the correct section. We find what we need and head off to the counter. My friend is paying, so he is talking to the cashier now.)

Friend: “We need these because ours broke, so we need more. Before, my friend here got them all from China for half the price you guys sell them for here, but they’re all the same things, really, I think, aren’t they? You guys probably just put your logo on them and charge double the price; I know how things like this work. But still, you charge a lot more for them here, don’t you?!”

Me: *losing it a bit now* “Ahahaha! Yes, well, as I said, [Friend], I don’t think he needs to know all that. Let’s just pay the poor man and then go, shall we?!”

(The now rather put-upon-looking cashier dutifully bags and charges our items as my friend continues to “make small talk” in this vein. Other customers begin to take an interest, and a small crowd is forming; however, somewhat relieved on my part, we get the receipt and head for the door, but unfortunately not before my friend spots another rather large and particularly expensive item we both recognise from the same Chinese site.)

Friend: *loudly* “Oh, look! Another thing you could get for less than half the price from [Site] online! I bet that’s the exact same thing, just with their logo on it again. Boy, they charge a lot more in here than [Site], don’t they?! You could get that for [price] on [Site], couldn’t you?”

(I stopped for a moment to look at it with him as he continued in this vein. Frankly, I died a little inside, as other customers mentally jotted down the site name and price; one actually got out his smartphone and seemed to be checking the site out. I rolled my eyes at the store assistants apologetically, but very quickly, and at my insistence, we headed off out to the car, leaving the store assistants to deal with the aftermath. Guys who attended to us that day, if you’re reading this, I am so sorry! If we have to come back for any more things soon — I’m pretty sure we will — if it helps at all, he’s actually a scientist in a very well-paid job — yes, just like Sheldon Cooper — and so has lots of disposable cash to spend in your store. He just isn’t very good at thinking before he speaks. Next time, I’ll try and stop him yelling out that site name and the entire price range he’s got memorised in his head at your potential customers, if I possibly can. Trust me, I will try.)

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