A customer comes in for a Blu-ray player. He tells me as he puts it on the counter that his current one broke. I get his information and pull up his receipt to find that he purchased it less than a month ago. I tell him we can swap it out for no charge; he just has to bring in the old one first. He tells me that money is no object, and he’s fine with spending another $60 or so on a new one.

Whatever, the customer is always right, right? So, I ring him up and give him his receipt, and he immediately brings up the environmental fee of $2 like I’m trying to pull a fast one on him. Granted, this isn’t a terribly old thing, but old enough that he likely paid it the first time, too. I calmly explain to him that it goes toward electronic recycling costs, and it’s completely out of my hands. I can’t even take it out of the Blu-ray player, because it is at cost.

He booms in that indignant customer tone, “This is an outrage! I’m gonna go home right now and throw my old Blu-ray player in the garbage!”

I haven’t worked in retail for some time, but I still have the grey hairs.

I work in an electronics store. It’s a slow day, so when a customer finally comes in, I am thrilled.

Customer: “Do you have these cushions you put on your headphones?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. We used to but have been out for a couple of weeks.”

Customer: “Well, that’s weird, because I was at [Electronics Store #2] and they looked up in their computer that [Electronics Store #3] should have it.”

Me: “Okay, maybe you should go there instead and ask them?”

The customer looks confused.

Customer: “You mean this is not [Electronics Store #3]?”

Me: “No, this is [Electronics Store #1].”

I gesture at the store logo on my shirt which is in no way shape or form the same as [Electronics Store #3]’s.

Customer: “Oh, you could have told me you were not.”

Me: *Sighing* “Have a nice day.”

This takes place in an electronics retailer about ten years ago. We are required to greet every customer as they enter. This is not hard; it is a small store.

One day, a customer walks and goes straight to the cell phones. We get good commission on those, so I get a little excited that someone is interested.

Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

She stops dead with this deer-in-headlights look.

Customer: *Yelling* “I DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING!”

I would never assume anyone was a thief as they walk in. I was thinking, “COMMISSION! OH, BOY!”

Me: “I was just greeting you. We are required—”

Customer: *Interrupting* “I SAID I DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING!”

Me: *Slightly sterner* “I never thought you did. We are required to greet every customer as they come in.”

She then takes what I recognize from my various martial arts as a “fighting stance.” I find this very odd. The customer is a foot and a half shorter than I am and scrawny. I recognize that this is time to deescalate. Walking it back a bit, I try to explain our policy about greeting customers once more.

Customer: “I do not deserve to be treated this way! I will never come in here again!”

For whatever reason, she does not leave, even though the open mall is a foot behind her. She holds her ground, glaring at me like she is going to either lunge or run. What does she think is going to happen?

Me: *Exasperated* “Please don’t.”

She yelled something unintelligible and bolted.

At the electronics retailer where I work, we have this customer that we call Mr. Driving Gloves because… well… he always wears tacky driving gloves.

Our return policy is a strict thirty days. Mr. Gloves comes in once a month, buys north of $300 in random stuff, then returns all of it on day twenty-nine. He always claims that it is all “defective.” He will literally buy three boom boxes at once plus fifty random little things and just return them all. It is messing with our inventory and commissions badly enough that our manager has instructed us to never sell him anything again.

Mr. Driving Gloves comes in for his last time and returns everything. I am obligated to accept this return, and he begins walking around the store piling random things on the counter for roughly forty-five minutes. I am particularly annoyed with his shenanigans, so I let him finish before breaking the news. He comes to ring out and, with a big smile, I explain that because he is screwing up our inventory and commissions, we are never selling him anything again.

Of course, he argues that all those things were defective, and I reply that defects happen but not to everything you buy. I make it clear that we are not budging.

I’ll never forget his final words.

“I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOT OF LUCK IN LIFE ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT!”

Maybe he jinxed it. Ten years later, I have had a lot of luck in life. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful toddler, and a career with a government agency, and we just bought our first house! Thank you, Mr. Driving Gloves!

I am showcasing an Apple TV setup to a customer. One of the Apple shows, “For All Mankind,” is playing the trailer. It’s an alternative history show about what might happen if the Russians landed on the moon first and the space race never ended.

Customer: “What’s this bulls***?! We landed on the moon first! Not those d*** commies!”

I explain the premise of the show, which does little to assuage his contempt.

Customer: “Maybe if they taught the truth instead of this ‘woke’ crap, our country wouldn’t be full of so many d*** snowflakes!”

Me: “Yes, sir, nothing more dangerous than alternative facts, right?”

Customer: “That’s right!”

The customer did not buy the Apple TV. Worth it.