In The Spirit Of Fellowship With Coworkers

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2020

This prank on a coworker required a degree of sophistication, preparation, and a little engineering but it came off great. [Target] is in charge of shipping and receiving and works in the warehouse area of our office. [Target] is, I guess you would say, easily spooked, which makes him the perfect candidate.

I rigged up a zip line in the back warehouse, constructed a shape of something resembling a ghost with a wig head and sheet, attached it to the zip line so that it would zoom across the warehouse where it would be captured by our security cameras. I had to put up the zip line for testing and take it down so it wouldn’t be detected during the day.

I finally got it to where Tristan — the name we gave our ghost — would sail across the warehouse at the right speed. The trick was how to get Tristan to release in the middle of the night where he would be captured with a time stamp on our cameras that had night vision. I tied a restraining cord to Tristan and put the other end of the cord in a frozen bottle of water. This way, as the ice turned into water, the string would release and Tristan would complete his journey.

It worked perfectly. So now, we had this video of some unidentified form drifting across the warehouse in the middle of the night on our camera systems.

The next day at work my coworkers [Accomplice #1], [Accomplice #2], and [Target] were in the office chatting. [Accomplice #1] casually mentioned how tired she was because she received a call from our security monitoring company around 4:00 am saying that motion had been detected in our back warehouse.

While they were chatting, [Accomplice #1] began reviewing video footage from the warehouse from the night before. The cameras only record if there is an event, so it wasn’t hard to find the right spot on the footage. Sure enough, at 4:08 am, there was Tristan soaring across the warehouse. The first time they saw it, it was a WTF moment. They ran the footage back.

When [Target] saw it again, there was a momentary pause, then bye! [Target] proceeded to walk back to his area, grab his things, and walk out.

“You tell [Boss] she’s gonna have to get somebody else,” he said, and he proceeded to get in his car and leave. He was gone before anyone had a chance to explain. Finally, after we reached [Target]’s cell phone and explained, he did agree to come back. He was a good sport about it but has sworn revenge on me.

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Sticking To Being A Litterbug

, , , , , , | Related | April 23, 2020

One of my older cousins — she’s in her late teens and I’m eleven — is visiting for a bit and we’re driving around with my mom at the wheel. My cousin is chewing some gum when she decides she’s done, she rolls down the window and spits it out. She’s extremely gullible.

Mom: *Gasping* “You shouldn’t have done that!”

Cousin: “What?”

Mom: “Spit your gum onto the road! You could stop a car!”

Cousin: What?!

Me: *Catching on* “Yeah! If someone hits it with their tire, it could pull the tire right off!”

My cousin is now looking rather horrified.

Cousin: “I had no idea! I’m so sorry!”

Mom and I can’t keep up the act anymore and start laughing.

Cousin: “Ohh! That’s not nice!”

Mom: *Between giggles* “You’re right. Sorry. But you really shouldn’t litter.”

Maybe that was a bit mean, but at least she spit her gum into tissues or wrappers after that!

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Not A Mind Reader, Just A Reader

, , , , , , , , | Working | April 20, 2020

(I work a second job delivering pizza after my day job. One night, my wife texts me and asks me to bring home some items from the grocery. Since it’s almost midnight, I go to the supermarket just down the street from my pizza store before they close. After getting the items, I go to the one lane that’s open, which is attended by a cute woman in her twenties. She addresses me in an overly friendly manner, like we’re old acquaintances.)

Cute Cashier: “Hi, [My Name]! How’re you this evening?!”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Um… I’m good.”

Cute Cashier: “I haven’t seen you for a while, [My Name].”

Me: *still wondering how I know this woman* “Well, I usually shop at the [Store] near my home in Maryland.”

Cute Cashier: “Oh, you’ve got quite a drive home, [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, I wouldn’t make it to that store before they closed.”

Cute Cashier: *finishes checking me out* “That’ll be $10.24, [My Name].”

(I hand her cash and take the receipt.)

Cute Cashier: “Bye, [My Name]! Drive safe!”

(I walked away, still confused as to how I knew this woman. I looked down at my items, and then I noticed: I was still wearing my delivery uniform which had my first name embroidered on it. I turned around and pointed at my name; [Cute Cashier] nodded to confirm she was just messing with my mind.)

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On April First, Trust No One

, , , , , , , | Healthy | April 1, 2020

My wife was in labor for about twenty hours before deciding to do a cesarean section. I am 6’8″ tall and about 300 pounds. During our visits through the pregnancy, I regularly joked around with the doctor. Even in the Lamaze classes, I would joke around, typically embarrassing my beautiful wife.

My oldest son was born via C-Section at 11:50 PM on March 31st. I was there, I watched, and I was exhausted. It was gruesome and awesome at the same time. 

I was extremely emotional —  had a son! I was crying tears of joy. 

After he was extracted from his nine-month sentence inside of my wife, he was swaddled appropriately by the nurses in the operating room. We were both then whisked away: him to the nursery to get de-munged, and me to see my large family — brothers, parents, 

Godparents, etc. — all of whom were at the hospital waiting in anticipation of the big event. 

So, there I was, telling my family that we had a beautiful boy, and that everyone was okay. I was blubbering as tears were still streaming.

All of a sudden, in an over-the-top manner, a nurse came running around the corner and said, “Mr. [My Name], Mr. [My Name]! They need you back in the operating room! The second one just came out!”

Huh, what? What? WHAT?! Oh, my God! I started running down the hall to go back to the operating room. I’ve never been considered graceful, and it really wasn’t pretty to see me lumbering down the hall.

I heard the nurse call out again, “MR. [MY NAME]!”

My response was dramatic and immediate as I spun to look at her. “WHAT?” I exclaimed. 

With a very calm demeanor and a twinkle in her eye, she said, very matter-of-factly, “April Fools.”

I could have been knocked over with a feather. I stammered and stammered. Meanwhile, my family, who witnessed the event, were in stitches enjoying the whole scene as it played out in front of them. 

In the operating room, my wife was laughing (while being stitched back together). All of this was the doctor’s idea, II suppose a little of my own medicine after enduring me throughout the pregnancy.  

It’s a story that I tell often, not only for the humor in it, but also because it was one of the greatest days of my life: the day I met a great person, my wonderful son.

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It Was A Personal (Stuff) Joke

, , , , , | Learning | April 1, 2020

I am tasked with taking a video inventory of my entire school. This worries the other teachers, as a lot of their classroom supplies are their personal property, not the district’s. I assure them that this is just for insurance purposes, and they have nothing to worry about. The day before I’m to begin the inventory, I send this email.

Email: “I know I’ve previously stated that the video inventory will not affect anything you personally own in your classroom. However, I have received word from the central office that anything on the recording will be considered district property. Please remove all personal furniture, books, posters, supplies, etc., from your rooms by the end of the day. See me if you have any questions.”

A few minutes later a teacher, who’s probably been in the same classroom for twenty years, comes storming into my room. She’s livid.

Teacher: “Do you have any idea how much personal equipment I have in my classroom? Do you have any idea how impossible it’s going to be for me to move it all out? Do you want to go down there right now and have a look?”

Me: “Look, let’s deal with this logically. First of all, what’s today’s date?”

Teacher: “April… first.” *Pause* “You son of a b****.”

Another teacher left a pile of feathers on my desk, with a note saying the tar was coming soon.

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