Proving Them Wrong Is An Endorphin Rush  

, , , | Right | January 6, 2020

(I’m working part-time in a small, privately-owned store that specializes in Austrian sweets and generally high-quality products. Because we are located both in the historic part of the city and near a rather posh, well-known big store, we get a lot of tourists, as well as rich people. One night, a sophisticated-looking gentleman in his 50s enters; he seems to be in a hurry.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Are you looking for something special today?”

Customer: *says nothing, but is looking at our chocolate truffles from an Austrian producer*

Me: “Here we have our chocolates from [Producer]. Are you interested in them? We’ve got some new flavours.”

Customer: “Why are they called ‘endorphins’?”

Me: “Oh, [Producer] has two kinds of chocolates. One comes in squares and the round ones are called ‘endorphins’. For example, we have strawberry endorphins, pumpkin seed endorphins, and lemon endorphins. [Producer] likes to give his products special names. Can I get you some of them?”

Customer: “Can I get two of those eggnog chocolate sticks?”

Me: “All right, of course, here you go.” *hands him his choice and finishes the transaction*

Customer: “You know, you really shouldn’t use foreign words if you don’t know what they mean!”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Are you talking about the endorphins? I’m well aware that those are the so-called happiness hormones. I’ve just assumed you know this, too. Have a nice evening!” *turns around*

Customer: *leaves*

(Although he seemed to be in a hurry, he took his time to “test” my general knowledge and wanted me to fail. You know, just because I’m working to pay my rent while studying law doesn’t mean I’m dumb. And even if I was a full-time cashier, there is no need to assume that those guys are, just to be clear.)

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Schrödinger’s Phone

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2019

(This happens way too often, but I still understand that some people don’t want to or can’t keep up with technology. An elderly person enters the store.)

Elderly Customer: “This phone I have… I’ve had it for several years now, and the way this specific button blinks… I can hardly sleep as this button blinks all night; it bothers me all the time, no matter what I do or press on the phone. I’m out of options and don’t know what to do anymore.”

Me: “Just press the blinking button for two seconds.”

(The customer slightly taps the button. If it were a cat, it would start to purr.)

Me: “Please press and hold the button for two seconds.”

(The customer taps the button harder, still too short. If it were a cat, it would probably look at them funny.)

Me: “Sir, when the light flashes on your phone or this specific button, you have to keep it pressed for two seconds to see your missed calls. Please try again.”

(Usually, with a little time I do it myself, but to help them learn it I let them try it themselves.)The customer taps and holds the button with all of his might. At this point, they have a face like having a workout with heavy weights. If the phone were a cat, its eyes would probably pop out. Suddenly, it works. They look at the screen, exhausted and terrified at what they did.)

Elderly Customer: “Oh, my… the light… it stopped! How did you do that?”

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Sealing The Deal

, , , , | Working | November 22, 2019

(Back in 1996, I get a summer job in the media section of a department store. Downloading music or video games isn’t really a thing yet; CD burners are a bit expensive but not totally uncommon. My coworkers are all a lot older than me and not really tech-savvy. One day, I see a customer, about 16, return a huge pile of video games and music CDs. After he leaves, I walk up to my coworker and ask what that was about.)

Me: “He didn’t like his birthday presents, I guess.”

Coworker: “Oh, no, he is a regular. He always buys a lot of CDs and games but returns most of them within a week. Very picky, I guess.”

Me: “Like, how often does he do that?”

Coworker: “Once or twice a week. It kind of sucks but it’s store policy to get your money back if you return your items within a week.”

Me: “Ahh, have you considered that he might actually take them home, copy them, and then return them?”

Coworker: “Nah, you can’t really copy CDs at home. That’s why they switched from cassettes and floppy disks.”

Me: “Yes, you can. It’s called a CD burner. I read an article about them in my dad’s computer magazine. I can bring it tomorrow if you like.”

Coworker: “Well, maybe they have something like that in America or Japan, but not here in Austria.”

Me: “I think we should tell our manager. I am sure he is copying that stuff.”

Coworker: “Okay, knock yourself out, but I’m not gonna bother him with such a silly story.”

(The next day, I brought the magazine with me and went to our floor manager, who was much more interested in my hunch. He took me to the store manager, who was also quite interested. They changed the return policy the same day and after that, storage media had to be returned in their original sealing.)

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Unfiltered Story #177740

, , | Unfiltered | November 20, 2019

(I have a commercial space to let in my house. A potential renter is late by 10 minutes, then wants to wait for her husband, who shows up even later. By the time the viewing starts, 20 minutes past the initial appointment, I have already decided that I’m not going to rent anything to them ever, no matter what they are offering.)

Man: “You said the building dates back to classicism? Well, it’s old, so can we have it cheaply?”

Me: *patiently* “That’s not how this works. This house has been carefully restored for over two years, preserving the original facade while having high-end interiors. I suppose this space is too expensive for your project?”

Woman: “Expensive? No way! That’s not up to you to decide! The owner will be happy to get our offer!”

Me: *just wanting to get rid of them* “Okay, sure, I can’t stop you from making any offers. Send an e-mail to [my work e-mail].”

Man: “You are useless! Who’s the owner and how can we contact him?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Woman: “He didn’t mean it like that! I think you are a wonderful person, such a lovely young woman, don’t you agree, [husband]?”

Transactional Innuendos

, , , , , | Working | October 30, 2019

(Our store doesn’t carry much change in the morning, so I volunteer to visit a nearby bank almost daily to exchange some notes after a few hours. There is almost always the same lady working there. The moment I enter and she sees me, things are quickly prepared and ready to go. Today, she came to our store to have her phone fixed. As she is waiting in line, I look over to her and say:)

Me: “I have the strangest urge to give you a large amount of money, but I guess this is neither the right place nor time.”

(She knew what I meant and laughed at the comment, unlike the woman beside her, who covered her mouth and looked at us in disgust. It took me a few seconds to understand what I could have meant instead.)

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