He Is Stick-ing To His Plan  

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2020

(When my dad is at university, one of his friends, [Friend #1], is blind, and his other friend, [Friend #2], is known for doing pretty bad stuff when he’s had a few drinks. One night, after they’ve been out for a large amount of beer, they get hungry and stop at the local chip shop, which is next to a university and so is full of people at 3:00 am. [Friend #2] decides he doesn’t want to wait in line, so he grabs [Friend #1]’s blind stick and walks to the front of the line, in a trick I’m sure everyone has heard of. After he is served, my dad starts to help [Friend #1] into the shop, since [Friend #2] only got food for himself, and [Friend #1] trips over the doorstep.)

Counter Guy: *laughing* “You’d almost think he was the blind one.”

Friend #1: “I am; that p***k has my stick!”

(To quote my dad when he told this story, “It’s amazing how quickly you sober up when a six-foot bloke from a chip shop chases you down the road.” The guy also gave [Friend #1] free chips, not realising they were friends. I’d like to make it clear that they didn’t plan this; it just kind of worked out in [Friend #1]’s favour. Thirty years later, my dad is still good friends with both, and they’re both great people, but it’s fun to remember that your parents can be as bad as you sometimes.)

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They Can’t Hold Their Drink

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2020

(At the drive-thru one day, a car with three young men in it orders a single large drink. I rather suspect what’s about to happen, so I’m ready. Sure enough, it’s the “fire in the hole” prank. I reach both hands out the window and neatly catch the cup.)

Me: “For me? Thank you! I could use a drink, and this is my favorite one.” 

(Cue surprised looks from the men in the car.)

Driver: “How did you…?”

Me: “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

(They drove off, and I enjoyed my free drink.)

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These Girls Are Dying To Meet You

, , , | Right | December 30, 2019

(Being a funeral home, we get a lot of prank calls. This is a frequent call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Funeral Home]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Is this the line with the girls?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “The line to talk to the girls. I have something here that’s eight inches long and two inches thick.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only handle one type of stiff here.”

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Ah, The Flower Of Youth

, , , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2019

(I work at an answering service for flower shops. Occasionally, I work the late shift and get prank callers. I can tell these particular callers are a bunch of teens that sound a little high.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Flower Shop]. How may I help you?”

Teen: “Yeah… I need to order some flowers.”

(It’s obvious immediately due to his friends giggling in the background.)

Me: “All right, I’ll be glad to help you with that. What kind of flowers would you like to order?”

Teen: “Well…” *giggles* “What do you got?”

Me: “I have a lovely bouquet of roses.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll get that.”

Me: “Great! What color?”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers* “Red.”

Me: “Okay, so, that’s a dozen white roses.”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers to his friends, giggles* “Yeah.”

Me: “Wonderful, would you like those tulips in a vase?”

Teen: “Huh? Uh… Wait… What?”

Me: “In a vase?”

Teen: “Oh.” *whispers, giggling* “Yeah, yeah…”

Me: “Great! So, that is two dozen blue daffodils in a box. Can I have your name?”

Teen: *click*

(I just sipped my coffee and waited for the next call.)

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Will Pass That Class Kicking And Screaming

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 22, 2019

Many years ago, when I am in high school, I join my local volunteer first aid squad and sign up for EMT training. The classes are largely interesting, and I learn a lot. However, EMTs have a strange sense of humor sometimes.

When we get to the maternity section, the final exam for that part of the course consists of delivering a baby. This is accomplished with a set of special dummies: one which is made to replicate the lower body of a woman, and of course, the infant doll which the instructor pushes out for the person to deliver. The proper procedure is to “catch” the infant as it comes out, clean it gently, and then lay it on the mother’s chest for her to hold.

All is going well in the exam, the students having been broken up into groups and assigned to the dummy on which they will take the exam… until, that is, one of the instructors quietly goes around the room, collecting all of the infant dummies and secreting them away.  

At this point, only one group is still testing, as there are no baby dummies to be had anywhere else. One young man approaches to begin his test, and the instructor who’d been taking the dummies steps up to administer it…   

And proceeds to begin screaming at the top of his lungs.

The instructor is wailing like he’s being murdered, which, of course, causes the entire room to look over at what is going on. Never breaking his cry, he begins to push the infant doll through. The poor student is terrified, but he still follows procedure admirably.

But the instructor doesn’t stop screaming.

Not sure what to do, the boy is standing there when another infant starts to come out. So he catches that one, too. Then, the next one. And the one after that. Each time they come faster and faster. It looks like an “I Love Lucy” routine as the poor boy is struggling to catch the dolls, clean them, and place them before the next one comes. It’s to the point where he is stacking the babies like logs on the “mother” because there is no room for them, and he barely manages to put one down before the next one is out.

All the while, the instructor never stops wailing.

The rest of the class is, of course, cracking up. We’re all laughing so hard we can’t breathe. The poor student is handling it admirably, though, never giving up or getting mad. Finally, about two dozen babies later, the instructor runs out of dummies. The test is allowed to end, and the instructor ceases screaming.

The student does pass the exam, but he is admonished that in the future he probably shouldn’t stack newborn infants like Jenga blocks.

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