A week earlier, this customer had dug in his pockets for change and started laying out on the counter everything he was carrying. One of the items was a pistol, so I know he carries. 

I’m wearing a pentacle necklace while checking this customer out. He peers at my neck and decides to share his opinion.

Customer: “You worship the devil?”

Me: “Uh, no, sir. There’s no devil in the craft.”

Customer: “Good, because if you did, I’d have to shoot you dead.”

He then leaves like he didn’t threaten my life. I don’t think too much of it at first, until he’s been gone for ten minutes, and then I remember he actually has a gun. My boss tells me to call the police immediately. 

Long story short, he’s the same guy who threatened a Walmart cashier earlier that week, but they didn’t have his name until he checked out with me using his membership card.

He gets a visit from the cops and is banned from my chain of stores nationwide.

All over a necklace.

It is Black Friday at the large superstore where I work. The massive crowd has been waiting in a pen (yes, like cattle) and as soon as we open the gates, they unleash h*** on the towels.

I see a lady literally dive into the pallet and start throwing stack after stack of towels in her buggy with her husband following suit on the other side. A little grandmother walks over to the buggy and starts removing stack after stack from that lady’s buggy over to hers.

Of course, this does not go down well, and I find myself calling security over the ensuing physical fight that has started over $1 towels.

As they’re fighting yet another woman casually walks over to both of their buggies and takes all the towels for herself, noticed by no one except myself. I’m beyond caring at this point, if they’re willing to shed blood for those towels I am not going to get involved!

I used to jump on a cash register at a department store where I worked when it got busy. I would be one of four people putting folks through. This one lady would always come to my cash; I was really fast. 

This is the South, so certain terms of endearment down here are very common.

Me: “Hello, hun! How are we doing today?”

Customer: “Do not call me hun! I am not your hun! You will address me as ma’am or not at all!”

‘Not at all,’ it is! I check her out in silence and move on with my life.

A few weeks later, I’ve forgotten all about it, and she’s back.

Me: “Hello, hun! How are we doing today?”

Customer: “I have told you not to call me hun! That’s it! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “My manager is on vacation this weekend, ma’am. I’m the manager on duty today, ma’am, but I can get her to call you if you like?”

Customer: “You better have her call me on Monday or I will be back here to get you into even more trouble than you’re already in!”

I left her a message on her voicemail, with the standard store code indicating a callback is required for a customer complaint.

My manager got back on Monday and had so many messages on her phone waiting for her that she didn’t listen all the way through my message, and jumped straight ahead to calling the customer back.

Manager: “Hi! How can I help you, hun?”

Apparently, the call did not go well.

I’m speaking through the speaker to cars pulling up to our drive-thru. A new hire is shadowing me.

Me: “Welcome to KFC, what can I get you?”

Customer: “Yeah, did you have to change your name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC because y’all started using genetically-engineered chickens with extra legs and wings that the government won’t allow you to sell as ‘chicken’?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Ah. That’s a pity.”

And then the car does a U-turn (our wide drive-thru allowed this) and exited without even ordering. I turn to my now-confused-looking trainee.

Me: “Don’t worry, that almost never happens.”

Trainee: “Almost?!”

During COVID (2020 ~ 2021) times, I was working as a part-time security guard in the heart of Alabama. My job was to watch a mail distribution center on the weekends. (I have mixed feelings about being a security guard, but if they want to pay to watch an empty building while I play on my Switch, I’ll look the other way.)

I worked Saturdays where they did an early run and were usually done by 1 PM. My role was to sit in a checkpoint guard ‘shack’ that had two metal detectors (for employees coming in and out) and a desk off to the side.

One day, a package runner was doing a few early morning runs, had finished up for the day, and was going to their car. Normal everyday behavior.

They came back in a bit panicked, asking for me to ‘come check this out.’

A bit taken aback, I lock up the shack (protocol) and step into the parking lot, where I see this snapping turtle in front of this guy’s car. It was a gnarly-looking creature. The turtle looked like it was around forty-ish pounds, and it was already completely wary of us, as it had it mouth open in front of both of us, ready to cause a problem.

I should mention that this distribution center was basically located next to the woods.

The package runner next to me asked me what we should do. I was cycling through all my options:

The correct option was probably to call animal control or something of that nature. However, not wanting to deal with extra paperwork and having to make multiple calls, I decided to throw caution to the wind and just pick up the turtle and move it to the woods.

The package runner looked at me like I was crazy (to be fair, this was not a good thing to do as an amateur), but I simply positioned myself behind the turtle, grabbed it from the sides (under its arms), and slowly walked it to the forested area. The turtle definitely wanted to bite me, but was unable to reach my hands. I had walked a little ways into the forest and set it down, and quickly stepped away from it. I guess it got the message that it wasn’t wanted and disappeared behind some trees.

When it was over, all I could think was ‘man, my hands feel disgusting (I wish I wore gloves) and the package runner was looking at me like I was Bear Grylls. I went to wash my hands and got back to my job.