The Problem Is Large

, , , , | | Right | June 19, 2019

(I work in a grocery store deli. A mother and two kids, probably around 11 and 8, walk up to the hot bar. The customer’s kids are each demanding their mom get them something from the hot bar. After they go back and forth for a few moments, the customer finally orders.)

Customer: “I want some macaroni.”

Me: “Okay, what size would you like? Small or large?”

Customer: “Do you have a medium?”

Me: “No, ma’am.” *reaches for the cups to show her the size, now holding up both cups* “Just small and large, 8 and 16 ounces.”

Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

Me: *losing faith in humanity while I hold the large cup a little higher* “The large.”

“It Doesn’t Work” Doesn’t Work As A Descriptor

, , , , , | | Right | June 18, 2019

(I work in a small call center providing technical support to retirement homes. I have the utmost respect for nurses. However, they are some of the worst when it comes to technical support. There is a very common documentation software we deal with.)

Caller: “My computer doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll take a look and see what’s going on. What’s happening on the screen?”

Caller: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, it’s not coming on?”

Caller: “Well, no, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, no lights at all?”

Caller: “Well, no, the lights are on.”

Me: “So, it has power.”

Caller: “I guess. But it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Is there anything on the screen?”

Caller: “No, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you have a completely black screen?”

Caller: “Well, no, but it doesn’t work.”

(My patience fading…)

Me: “What, exactly, does the screen look like?”

Caller: “Well, it’s white.”

Me: “So, you have a blank, white screen?”

Caller: “Yes, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, there is a blank, white screen, nothing on it?”

Caller: “Yes, because it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Did this happen when you turned the computer on? Or were you working on something?”

Caller: “No, I wasn’t doing anything. It just stopped working.”

Me: “So, you logged in and got a blank, white screen.”

Caller: “Well, no. I put my name thing in and password.”

Me: “So, you could log in.”

Caller: “I guess, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you logged in and the screen went white.”

Caller: “Well, no. I had the blue screen first.”

Me: “Okay. You went to the desktop? Where you saw icons?”

Caller: “Well, yes. But it’s not working.”

(But is it working?)

Me: “So, you were on the desktop, and then everything went white?”

Caller: “Well, no, I was doing documentation.”

Me: “So, you were in [Documentation Software] and the program stopped working?”

Caller: “Well, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you were able to log in and start using [Documentation Software], and now the screen is blank and white?”

Caller: “Well, no.”

Me: “So, is there something on the screen?

Caller: “Well, no. Not really.”

Me: “Not really?”

Caller: “Well, it’s not working.”

Me: “I understand that it’s not working. But is there something on the screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not my documentation.”

Me: “Okay, can you describe it for me? Tell me everything on the screen from top to bottom.”

Caller: “But it’s not working.”

Me: “Yes, I know. But I need to know exactly what’s not working.”

Caller: “Well, it’s my computer. It’s not working.”

Me: “Are there words on your screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not [Documentation Software].”

Me: “Okay. What are the words on your screen? Read it to me.”

Caller: “It says, ‘Login Expired.”’”

Me: “So, you need a password update?”

Caller: “Well, yes. Because it’s not working.”

Me: “Okay. Your new password is [password]. You can log back in.”

Caller: “Oh! It’s working again! I guess it fixed itself!” *click*

(Cue my coworkers’ screams of laughter. Luckily, most of our calls are not this bad!)

These Kids Lacked Some Parental Guidance

, , , , | | Right | June 17, 2019

(A young teenager who has purchased tickets to a PG-rated film has just been caught sneaking into an R-rated film. I happen to recall this customer, as I sold him the ticket.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Do you have tickets for this film?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “May I see them?”

Customer: “I left them in the theater.”

Me: “Which theater? We can go find them.”

Customer: “Nah, my cousin has them.”

Me: “You do know you need to be 17 or older to see this film, correct?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “May I see some ID?”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, that is fine. I recall you purchasing a ticket for [Movie]. If you would like to go back in there, that is okay.”

Customer: “F*** you, man.”

Me: “Well, in that case, you’re welcome to head through that door over there.”

(I gesture to the exit.)

Customer: “I want my money back.”

Me: “Sure. If we can get your tickets, we can return them to the box office for a refund.”

Customer: “I don’t want a refund; I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, you can either get your money back or get a refund. Pick one, because they’re both the same thing.”

Customer: “I don’t need this s***. F*** you.”

Me: “Well, in that case, let me walk you to this door.”

(I escorted him out of the building, sans refund.)

Unfiltered Story #153740

, , | | Unfiltered | June 5, 2019

(This happens on a regular basis.)

Me:  “Is this for here or to go?”

Customer:  “Yes.”

What It Takes To Piss Off A Canadian

, , , , , | | Right | May 27, 2019

(I am a Canadian visiting family in Alabama. I am at a mall with my aunt, but we have separated for a bit for some personal shopping time. I am in line to pay behind a white-haired white woman who is behind a younger African-American woman. I am kind of in my own world until I notice how hunched the African-American woman’s shoulders are as she steadfastly keeps her back to us as she unloads her cart. Then, I notice what the white woman in front of me is saying, and hoo boy, is it racist. I plonk my shopping basket down where I am standing and storm around to the white woman’s face and go off. I don’t say anything especially coherent, just a string of abuse, punctuated with demands for her to leave. She tries to respond, but I grow to a level, screaming pitch. Security comes up to break it up, but I don’t stop. A manager appears, but I don’t stop. I won’t stop until the horrible woman drops her basket and storms out of the store.)

Security: “Ma’am, you have to leave.”

Me: “One sec.”

(I turn to the African-American woman who is standing there, tears running down her face.)

Me: *to the cashier* “How much will her stuff cost?”

Cashier: *silence*

Security: “Ma’am! You have to leave.”

(I can see that the total is about $20 and about half her stuff has been input.)

Me: *to the cashier* “What do you think? Like fifty bucks?”

Cashier: *still silence*

Security: “Ma’am!”

(I pull $50 out of my bag — as a tourist, I have quite a bit of cash on me — and put it on the last of her items on the counter. Turning to the African-American woman:)

Me: “The whole world isn’t like her.”

(I allowed myself to be escorted from the store. When I found my aunt, she angrily reminded me that there was a real chance I could have been shot for that – Canadians don’t think of that – and she made us leave the mall.)

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