Send Them Sarah Palin’s Autobiography And Be Done With It

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2020

(I work in a bookstore, and I swear people think people who work in said stores are like Google. Here is one example.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book by an author.”

Me: “Who is the author?”

Customer: “I don’t know. She’s from Alaska. Can you tell me?”

Me: “No… Uh, what books has she written?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Um, is there anything else you can tell me?”

Customer: “She’s from Alaska. Don’t you know her?”

Me: *bangs head on desk*

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This Story Results In A Double Positive  

, , , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I work for a first-tier supplier for a major automotive manufacturing plant. I was born in Korea and immigrated to America when I was eight years old, so I can speak Korean and English. As my parents are both Korean, I look unmistakably Asian. After pulling a long shift, I am exhausted. I stop by a fast food place to eat. After I am done with my meal, I stand in the parking lot to smoke before driving home. I notice two ladies coming out of the store with a to-go order. They walk right past me. Then, one of the ladies stops and turns to me while the other lady opens her car door.)

Lady #1: “Excuse me… Do you work at [My Company]?”

(I must look confused as to how she knows where I work, but then I realize that I am still wearing my company shirt with the name on it. She repeats the question.)

Lady #1: *pointing at my shirt* “Do you work at [My Company]?”

(I don’t mean to be rude but I am too tired, and my response comes in the form of me shrugging my shoulders. The lady pauses for a second.)

Lady #1: “What’s the average pay for working there?”

(Of course, this depends on the position, experience, and station that you work… but I don’t feel like explaining all that so, once again, bested by my compounding lethargy, my answer is a shoulder shrug for “it depends” or “I don’t know.” The lady stares at me for a second.)

Lady #1: “Are you guys hiring right now?”

(Again, this depends on the position she is looking for. And since I am not in the Human Resources department, I don’t know that answer, anyway, so I shrug again. The other lady, who’s been watching our interaction, walks back to [Lady #1] and grabs her arm.)

Lady #2: “C’mon, [Lady #1]… why you botherin’? You know this [Asian slur] can’t speak no English.”

(Before I even have time to process this comment thoroughly, I respond almost as a reflex.)

Me: “’Can’t speak no English’ is a double negative; it cancels itself out.”

([Lady #1 and #2] look shocked for a second, hearing my first words spoken. [Lady #2] stares at me and says:)

Lady #2: “What?”

(I took a last drag from my cigarette and shrugged my shoulders. They were still standing there talking to each other about the meaning of my one verbal comment when I pulled out of that parking lot.)

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Checking On Checked Checks

, , , , , | Legal | December 8, 2019

One afternoon, my wife and I were puttering around our tiny apartment in a poorer section near the university when the phone rang. It was a pizza place that we could see from a window, calling because a somewhat inebriated, probably homeless man was trying to buy a pizza with a check that had my wife’s name, address, and our phone number — this is back before cell phones were around. The clerk had clearly had suspicions of fraud and called to see if the check use was authorized. We told him it was not and walked over to the store immediately. Surprisingly, the man didn’t run away, and he had an entire box of my wife’s checks that he had presumably stolen from our broken mailbox.  

The clerk said, “Do you want us to call the police? This guy keeps trying to use stolen checks and we’d like to stop it.”

My wife said, “Sure.” She was young. Now, she would have reamed the guy up and down the street.

The police came, arrested him, and kept the box of checks as evidence. We went down and pressed charges. When we checked with the store a few weeks later, the clerk mournfully told us that because there was no evidence that the man had signed the check, the prosecutor wouldn’t pursue the case.  

So, a bum passed a check, the pizza clerk checked up on him, we picked up the check, and the prosecutor took a rain check on earning his paycheck.

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Be Glad They Left

, , , | Right | November 25, 2019

(A patron is signing in at a public computer lab.)

Librarian: “Computer sixteen will be open for you in the lef—”

Patron: “What number do you want me to use?”

Librarian: “Number sixteen, in the lef—”

Patron: “Where’s that at?”

Librarian: “It’s in the left—”

Patron: “I don’t want sixteen, I want over there!” *points*

Librarian: “It’s… that’s… the left corner.” 

Patron: *suddenly happy* “You just read my mind.”

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Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Bigot

, , , | Right | November 21, 2019

(I’m at a locally-owned florist shop looking for flowers when I overhear one of the employees talking excitedly with a lesbian couple about their wedding. After the couple leaves, another shopper approaches the employee.)

Customer: *to the employee* “God, I didn’t think they’d ever leave! They don’t pay you enough to serve people like that!”

Employee: “Like who, sir?”

Customer: “Like them! Those women were gay!”

Employee: “Oh, I know. I’m a bridesmaid. Personally, I think they look absolutely adorable together.”

(The customer looks appalled and leaves the store in a hurry. The employee sees me watching and raises an eyebrow in my direction.)

Me: “Are you really a bridesmaid?”

Employee: *breezily* “Nope! Never seen those women before in my life!”

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