Not Such A Mean Old Dinosaur

, , , , | Hopeless | March 11, 2019

(I am shopping with my mom. I’m looking for the oatmeal that has dinosaur eggs in it that dissolve as you make the oatmeal. It has been out of stock locally for a few weeks. Today I see them!)

Me: “Mom, look! Dinosaurs! My favorite!” *grabs a box*

(I hear an indignant sniff to my left. I turn and see a tall, imposing woman in a business suit. I want to shrink into the ground.)

Business Lady: *grabs a box and grins* “They’re my favorite, too!”

Weak Week Magic

, , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2019

(I’m a teacher. The assistant principal at my school is laid back and hilarious. I’m walking out for the day when I stop to talk to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Assistant Principal]. I was wondering something.”

Assistant Principal: “What’s up?”

Me: “Can you use your magic assistant principal powers to make it Friday?”

Assistant Principal: “If I could, I’d make it Friday every few days. Our weeks would be: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Friday again!”

All You’re Ever Gonna Be Is Mean

, , , , , | Learning | February 20, 2019

I work with kindergarten students who have special needs. I have a handful of them that I instruct daily. One little boy, [Student #1], is very self-sufficient — or tries very hard to be, anyway — but still requires my help with schoolwork. He likes to call me “mean” whenever he doesn’t get his way. I take it in stride and tell him that those are not nice words. One day, I end up busy with one of my less-independent students, [Student #2], who needs my attention all day due to a meltdown.

Due to this, [Student #1] has a different helper for a few hours who is “nice” and lets him get away with bad behavior to some extent.

At the end of the day when [Student #2] is picked up by their parents, I am talking to the helper, getting caught up on [Student #1].

[Student #1] looks over at me, smiles his very sweet smile, and says to me, “Can you please go away now?”

I laugh so hard I snort and the helper just stares at him like, “Did he really just say that?” while [Student #1] is just smiling away.

Mom Is Way Out Of Line

, , , , , | Related | February 7, 2019

(It is the late 90s/early 2000s when I am a pre-teen shopping with my mom. My mom grabs only a drink from a cooler by the cash registers. I assume we are just going to join a nearby line for a cashier, but my mom instead marches up to the cashier, who is currently checking out another woman, and holds out her drink.)

Mom: “Ring this up for me.”

Me: “Mom! What are you doing?”

Mom: “I have one thing.”

Me: *meekly* “But there’s a line.”

Cashier: *looking quite startled* “Ma’am, I’m currently checking out this lady.”

Customer: *looking at my mom in disbelief* “What are you doing?!”

Mom: “I have only this. Ring it up!”

Me: “Mom, we need to get in line.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can’t stop in the middle.”

Mom: “I have only one thing. Fine, then!” *tosses roughly the amount needed for the cash at the cashier*

Me: *follows my mom, incredibly embarrassed* “Mom, why did you that?”

Mom: “I only had one thing. They can check out an old white woman quicker than that black with a cartful.”

(Whoever you were customer and cashier, I am so sorry on behalf of my closet racist of a mother.)

It’s Crunch-Time In The Stupid Department

, , , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(I work at a sushi bar. I notice a customer picking at a roll with her chopsticks. My server senses were tingling so I immediately went to check on the table.)

Me: “Everything tasting good?”

Customer: “Well, my roll just wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.”

Me: “I am sorry that you are not enjoying your roll. I can have another made for you. What is it about this one that you are not fond of? ”

Customer: “The texture is just way too crunchy for my liking.”

Me: “So, your super crunch roll was too crunchy?”

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