My wife was an elected county official. This story takes place on the afternoon of Halloween. That day, the courthouse employees brought finger foods, and many wore some fashion of a costume to work.

I decided, unbeknownst to my wife, that I was going to dress for the occasion and walk the five blocks from my office downtown to the courthouse and pay her a visit.

I was able to fit into one of her drop-waist, size-ten dresses: an ugly yellow with big black polka-dots. I bought a costume wig at the five-and-dime, wadded up a small bath towel for padding on one side and a hand towel for the other side, and wore knee highs rolled down to my ankles.

When I got to the courthouse, I sat outside my wife’s office door and had one of her girls tell her there was a woman in the outer office with a problem. When my wife came up behind me, I could tell she did not recognize that ugly dress or me until I jumped up to give her a hug. She shrieked and ran into her office.

On the way back to my office, I had to wait for a traffic light at the busiest intersection in our town. Because it was difficult to walk with my stride in that dress, I hiked it up almost to my waist. (I had on walking shorts under the dress.)

A guy in the first car shot a leer at me until he realized he wasn’t being flashed by a woman.

Guys, take it from me. Don’t use lipstick. Boy, that stuff is hard to get off!

I live in France, and I’m a native French speaker, but I can speak English quite fluently. I also took German when I was in high school and college, and I remember some of it.

I’m hanging out at my home, and I get a phone call.

Me: “Allo?”

Scammer: “Hello! Do you speak English?”

He speaks with a strong accent I cannot identify, and he sounds awkward, like English is definitely not his mother language.

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “This is Microsoft. There are three dangerous viruses on your computer, and I’m here to help you get rid of them.”

This is an obvious scam attempt. I could just hang up, but I decide to play with him instead.

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. I really, really don’t speak a single word in English, so I guess I cannot help you.”

Scammer: “You’re telling me that you don’t speak English, in English.”

Me: “Yes!”

Scammer: “There’s a problem with your computer. Whenever you use Google, it attracts dangerous programs, and you need to get rid of them.”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer!”

Scammer: “Are you Mrs. [Not My Name]?”

Me: “No, and I don’t speak English at all!”

He hangs up. I shrug it off and start going about my business again. Then, the phone rings again and it’s him. I decide to answer in German until he hangs up.

Me: “Hello!”

Scammer: “Hello. I need your phone number to help you get rid of this virus.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Scammer: “What are you saying?”

Me: “I don’t understand. I only speak German.”

Scammer: “I don’t understand. Speak English.”

This goes on, and then I hang up. One minute later, guess who phones again? This time, I answer in French.

Scammer: “This is Microsoft. Are you Mrs. [Not My Name]?”

Me: “No, I’m not Mrs. [Not My Name]. Would you like me to sing you a song?”

Scammer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying. There’s a problem with your computer.”

I sing something and go about my business again. He has hung up when I come back. I think I’ve gotten rid of him, but then he phones again. This time, I answer in English.

Scammer: “You have a virus on your computer. Please, give me your phone number.”

Me: “Why would I do that? I’m a married person, and I will never, ever cheat on my wife!”

Scammer: “Your wife or your husband?”

Me: “My wife! She’s beautiful!”

This is a lie as I’m a happily single lady. However, this seems to trigger the scammer.

Scammer: “This is wrong! Really wrong! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

He hung up and never called again. This scammer was stoic no matter how silly I acted, but the single idea of interacting with an LGBT person was enough to make him run away. This is a very sad way to win the war against telemarketers.

When I was running a lot, I was in several online running clubs. We’d talk about training tips, give race reports, discuss the impressive runners, share motivational tricks, and just yuk it up about running stuff. Cool.

There was a woman in one club who told us about a friend of hers, another runner, who was married to a guy who liked to hunt.

[Husband] decided to take a buddy to his deer-hunting cabin out in the sticks where he spent nearly a week every year. It was an annual thing.

[Buddy] came over the night before they were leaving to help pack all the hunting gear and get ready for an early start in the morning. He was going to sleep on the couch to save time.

As the guys were packing the rifles, camouflage, food, blankets, cooking stuff, and everything else they’d need for several days, they decided to open one of the twelve-packs of beer they were taking on the trip.

[Husband] left detailed instructions for his wife on how to finish packing everything in the camper-covered pickup truck, which was parked beside the garage, backed in so they could just take off in the early dark. 

He also requested that she pack their breakfast and lunch for the long ride to the hunting grounds, make sure the truck was full of gas, and set the alarm for the guys, maybe waking them up if need be.

The guys had fun messing around finishing the beer and got to bed early. They left hours worth of work for [Wife].

She dutifully finished all the tasks, but she added her own touch after packing everything.

The hunters left in the early dark, coffee in hand and breakfast in the cooler. The truck was fully packed, so they drove a bit slower than traffic and stayed in the right lane. They were gonna do the primal thing and bring home some meat!

It went well, but the guys noticed that a lot of people were tapping their horns as they passed while it was still dark. After the sun came up, even more honks were heard as people passed. 

They’d just smile and wave at the cars as they went by, but they were kind of getting tired of being honked at all times. 

Three hours into the trip, well into the morning light and after hearing several dozen horns, they stopped at a gas station to refuel, stretch their legs, and maybe get some fresh coffee.

As [Husband] walked around the truck to head into the store, he saw something on the back window, written in big letters with bright white shoe polish.

“Just Married!”

Customer: “I’d like a large [soda].”

She gets to the window, and I see three other people in the car laughing pretty hard. I take her money and give her the drink. About two seconds later, I hear…

Customer: “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”

I see a large orange grenade flying at me. I am not impressed. I am even less impressed when…

Customer: “Could I have my money back?”

This is not my story; this happened to my friend. When they told me this, I had to share because I love it and I’d never expect it from the friend who did it.

I work as a server. This one guy always comes to the restaurant, and he is usually pretty quiet and never tips too well. Most of the time, he comes with a couple of friends or by himself, sits at the bar, and watches a sports game. I’ve never had a problem with him until he came in one time with a date. I’ve never seen the woman before so I assume they were new to dating.

They sat at a table this time in a quieter part of the restaurant, and they were seated at one of my tables. I had no problem with them, and everything was going fine. They asked for the check, and I went right around the corner from their table; it was close by so I was quick. As I was coming back to the table…

Guy: *To the woman* “Watch this.”

And he put a hundred-dollar bill down on the table. Then, he saw that I had seen him.

Guy: *Jokingly* “Oh! You weren’t supposed to see that!”

I was ecstatic either way, even though it was so obvious that he was trying to impress the woman. I didn’t care.

I waited until they left to go grab the hundred-dollar bill. When I unfolded it, it was one of the fake $100 bills — I guess for pranks. That means this freaking guy planned this out to impress this woman. It was so frustrating because I needed the money, but at the same time, I thought it was because I had done a great job. Either the woman was in on it, or he decided to be a jerk in two different ways.

I told my manager, who said the guy’s behavior was ridiculous. I decided to hold on to the bill because I knew the day would come when I could get back at this guy.

Two weeks later, the guy came back and my manager recognized him. While I was working at the time, I was on a different side of the restaurant which was already full.

Manager: “The fake-hundred guy is back. Do you want his table, as well? He’s with the woman from last time.”

I often joked with my manager about throwing the fake $100 back on the table in front of that woman to embarrass him if he ever came back. I thought to myself, “Yeah, I may be busy already, but sure. What’s one more table?”

Me: *Smirking* “Absolutely, no problem.”

Before I went over to their table, I ran out to my car to grab the fake $100, which was sitting in my cup holder for this exact moment.

I got to their table and they instantly recognized me. The woman seemed normal, but the guy looked like he was nervous. I pretended nothing had happened all the way until I got their check.

When I brought the check back, I placed it down on the table as well as the fake $100, but I left it unfolded so the fake part was showing.

Me: *To the guy* “Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me from last time, but I believe you forgot this. I’m just returning it because I believe it was too much.”

The woman looked very confused, so I instantly knew she was not a part of it, but the guy got all nervous.

Guy: “I don’t know what that is!”

Me: “Oh, my mistake!” *Laughing and turning to the woman* “Have a good night!”

And I walked away.

When I came back, they were both gone. There was a big $0.00 on the signed receipt and a $50 bill — real this time — where the woman had been sitting. One can only assume that the guy didn’t want to tip on his card, so he wrote obnoxiously big zeros on the tip, and that $50 just happened to be where the woman was sitting, so I’m hoping she had placed it there.

I don’t know what happened with the couple or if they stayed together, but I haven’t seen them back since, and it’s been a few weeks. I really hope she looks for his red flags now.