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Multiple Mail Fails

, , , | Right | May 20, 2022

I used to work at a company that processed mail for other companies. Whenever a customer sent in a letter or form to one of those companies that were our clients, it was actually sent to our office. This included promotional mail which people returned for whatever reason.

Some of our clients did so much promotion through mailings that some potential customers made very clear how fed up they were with it. This included many swear words written on the envelopes, but it also sometimes included filling the envelopes with some weird stuff in the hopes of getting back at them, not realising that the effect would be limited to the people processing the mail, even if those had been working for the client company directly.

The most innocent examples were the ones attaching a brick or a piece of wood to the envelope, the idea being that the client company now had to pay the postage for that, as if that would really harm them.

Others went to more weird and disgusting measures. There were envelopes filled with nude pictures cut out from some cheap dirty magazines, envelopes that felt like an adult toy was stuffed in there, envelopes filled with itching powder, or envelopes filled with gravel. Why people thought this would really shock a big business is beyond me, but who cares.

The worst cases in the end weren’t even the envelopes filled with the indecent stuff or even actual garbage (like a package that felt like it just contained a pair of old shoes). The worst were the anthrax hoaxes some dissatisfied customers pulled off. It happened about three times during my time there. Every time, it turned out to be innocent, but not before some special experts from the police arrived to make this conclusion. Until that time, the room where it happened would have to be closed off.

In the end, it had resulted in a policy that every suspect envelope was to be thrown out without opening. Therefore, the attempts at revenge actually backfired since the return wouldn’t be processed. Given the frights or distress that they sometimes created, I can’t feel sorry for those people.

During those years, my wife and I visited a friend, and one of the “physical spammer” companies once was brought up in conversation.

Friend: “Well, if you want to make them stop, just send the envelope back with a brick attached to it.”

My Wife: “I used to think that too, until [My Name] had to stay locked in his office a few times due to anthrax hoaxes. It’s not funny at all.

Just Not Linux-ing Up For These Scammers

, , , | Legal | May 19, 2022

I am a Linux user. I have an enormous amount of fun with “there is something wrong with your Microsoft software” scammers.

Scammer: “Go to the Start icon.”

Me: “I’m restarting my computer. Hold on.”

I make them wait.

Then, they try to tell me where the start icon is. But it isn’t there. They keep trying to get me to do things I can’t do. Eventually, I tell them I use Linux. They swear at me and hang up.

People everywhere: if you get a call from someone who says there is something wrong with your computer, hang up. If you are concerned, get a local tech support company to help you.

Your Friend’s A Real Animal

, , , , , | Romantic | May 15, 2022

My friend loves April Fool’s Day. Just this year, she posted ads online for bogus stuff — one with goats for sale and the other for an animal impersonation contest.

On both of them, she included her husband’s phone number and encouraged people to call pretending to be responding to them.

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 10

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2022

It’s the early 1990s, when local telephone companies are still a thing and they charge extra for caller ID — plus you need a compatible phone. I’ve been working nights for several years. I get a phone call one day from a child asking for one of their friends. I let them know they have the wrong number. They refuse to believe that they have the wrong number and start verbally abusing me.

This leads to this kid and other kids prank calling me every few days, using foul language after waking me. I call the phone company.

Me: “I’m getting prank calls from some kids using profanity and harassing me. I’m a day-sleeper so this is a real problem. Can you give me the number they’re calling from so I can talk to a parent?”

Operator: “I can’t give you the number, but I can call the account holder. Let me call you back.”

After about twenty minutes, I get a call from the operator. 

Operator: “I spoke to the mother. She works nights, too. She’s been asleep while the kids are making the calls.” *Laughs* “I don’t think you will get any more calls from them.”

And I didn’t. But I would have loved to see the look on the kids’ faces when they had to wake Mom up and tell her that Ma Bell Security was on the line. And I would have really loved to hear what she said to the kids!

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 9
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 8
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7
The Wrongest Number Got You
The Wrongest Reply To The Wrong Number

That’s Not A Prank, That’s Just Mean

, , , , , , , | Related | May 1, 2022

Before I was born, my aunt was married to a guy who considered himself a prankster. He was more like a Schrodinger’s a**hole — the guy who plays it off as “it was just a joke/prank” if you got upset due to his horrible behavior.

Mom got engaged to Dad, and [Aunt’s Husband] got an idea for a “joke.” The plan was to get my father drunk the night before the wedding and buy him a one-way ticket to Hawaii. Naturally, this would have left my mom alone at the altar for a wedding that could not happen, that was barely afforded, with Dad stuck on an island with no money to fly back. I’m guessing it would also be “hilarious” to cost other people money to eventually get Dad home and “hilarious” to have a whole bunch of people furious at [Aunt’s Husband].

Perhaps the greatest blessing of this whole thing was that [Aunt’s Husband] added to the “mirth” by openly threatening to do this prank — several times. My mom repeatedly told him that it wasn’t funny and that he’d better not do that to her. He doubled and even tripled down on it.

Finally, a few days before the wedding, Mom snapped and called my aunt. In an icy fury, she told my aunt that if [Aunt’s Husband] dared to pull off that “prank,” she would commit a felony and go to jail with a smile on her face.

My aunt was completely in the dark and very confused about the whole thing. [Aunt’s Husband] had been making his prank threats when [Aunt] wasn’t in the room. After Mom explained to [Aunt] what her husband had threatened to do, [Aunt] said she would put a stop to it and not to worry.

[Aunt’s Husband] made one more threat of a different “prank”; he threatened to throw my father into the fountain, rented suit and all — because throwing Dad into the fountain would be funny, regardless of how much the suit rental company would charge Dad for the damage caused by the “prank.” This, too, was thankfully stopped.

[Aunt’s Husband] ultimately passed away from a heart attack before I was born, and my aunt married a much kinder man who is my acknowledged uncle.