(After a long day of work, a few coworkers and I are waiting for the train. Suddenly, the emergency phone at the station — literally just a box on a pole — rings.)
Coworker: *after a pause* “I’m going to answer it.”
(Answers the phone.)
Coworker: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, sir. I am calling from Microsoft; your computer is in danger.”
Coworker: *huge grin* “You sure about that, mate?”
Caller: “Yes, sir. This is very serious. We need to fix this immediately.”
Coworker: “Mate, this is a train station.”
Caller: “Yes, I can see that here, which means your computer is very important.”
Coworker: “Nah, mate, this is a train platform. There is no computer here, just a phone on a pole.”
Caller: “Are you sure?”
Coworker: “Yup. How did you even get this number?”
Caller: “Um, never mind.” *hangs up*
(I recently retired from a job with our county where my job duties included administering various government grants. The phone rings.)
Me: “Hello?”
Caller: *a young woman with a strong Indian accent* “Hello! I am calling from the Federal Government Grants Office. You have qualified today for an eight-thousand dollar government grant!”
(This is, of course, a variation on the Nigerian prince scam. In order to get the $8,000, you’ll be asked to provide financial details, including your bank information.)
Me: “Really? I didn’t apply for a grant.”
Caller: “Oh, no, ma’am, this is a perfectly free government grant you qualify for.”
Me: “How interesting! I used to be a grants administrator for the government. Can you tell me which agency—”
Caller: *click*
(I’m having a pint when my phone rings. That’s unusual enough, and the caller ID says that it’s from Jamaica, of all places. Hmm, that’s not suspicious at all. The chances of this being a scam rise to 100% at the caller’s first badly-accented words, but I resist the urge to hang up for a moment.)
Scammer: “Hi. My name is Arthur Winters, and I am calling from the Publish Clearing House company.”
Me: “Can you say that name again?”
Scammer: “Yes. My name is Arthur Winters, and I am calling from the Publish Clearing House company.”
Me: “You mean the Publishers Clearing House.”
Scammer: “What?”
Me: “The company; it’s the Publishers Clearing House.”
Scammer: “Yes, I am from the Publish Clearing House.”
Me: “Yes, dear, but that’s not the name of that company. It’s okay. Come on. Say it with me—”
Scammer: *swears at himself and hangs up*
(Poor guy sounds like he’s going to have a tough time at this.)
(My grandmother has just had a tooth extracted and is recovering at home. The phone rings at 7:30 the next morning, and I scramble out of bed to get it for her.)
Me: “Hello?”
Scammer: “Good morning, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft services and technical support about your computer, okay?”
(I am livid, as I’ve dealt with this scam before and only have my iPad with me, anyway. More than that, they’ve just woken my grandmother.)
Me: “No, you are not, because I do not have a computer here. You have just woken my grandmother, and she just had surgery yesterday. GOODBYE!”
(I hung up, sweetly excused myself to my grandmother, and went back to bed.)
(Having gotten extremely irritated by scam callers, I’ve worked out schemes to get them to hang up.)
Scammer: *with a very heavy accent* “Hello. This is Paul—”
Me: “PAUL! You were supposed to be here half an hour ago! How am I supposed to move this body by myself?”
Scammer: *short stunned silence before a click and dial-tone*
