If Trump Was In Telephone Scams

, , , | Working | January 20, 2018

(My mom gets a phone call from someone claiming to be a credit card company.)

Scammer: “Do you recognize a transaction of $300 at [location] on [date]?”

Mom: “No.”

Scammer: “Well, I’m going to need your credit card number to verify your account.”

Mom: “How about this: why don’t I get your name and call [Credit Card Company] myself?”

Scammer: “F*** YOU! I HAVE A BIG C***!”

(My mom was so stunned she just hung up.)

Your Job Is Going Viral

, , , | Working | January 16, 2018

Me: *answering the phone* “Hello. This is [Office], security department.”

Caller: “Hello, my name is Peter from Microsoft, and I’m calling because there’s a virus on your Microsoft machine—”

Me: “Well, I should hope so. I didn’t spend all this time setting up an air gap for a false alarm.”

Caller: “Sorry? I’m calling because there’s a virus –”

Me: “Technically, it’s a WannaCry Trojan.”

Caller: “I don’t think you understand—”

Me: “Oh, did you mean you want to order a virus? Because I can make them, but it’s illegal, so I’m going to have to tell you not to do that, and if you are especially don’t go onto the dark web—”

Caller: “Miss, this is very serious; you have a virus on your—”

Me: “I know. I installed it. You called a penetration test lab.”

Caller: *click*

(For those not familiar, a penetration test is effectively a hired hacking service, so you can see how secure your system is. Some scam calls are just deliciously ironic.)

The Marketers Are Reverting To Baby Talk

, , , , , , , | Working | January 10, 2018

(I’m at home with my young son, who has just woken up from his nap and is happily playing with his toys. My phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak to [Son]?”

Me: *thinking she meant “about”* “Um, this is his father. What’s this in regards to?”

Telemarketer: “I need to speak to [Son], please. It’s quite important; is he there?”

Me: “Yes. But he’s also 14 months old. I seriously doubt you want to speak with him, at least until he’s capable of… you know… speaking.”

(I hang up, thinking that’s the end of it. However, shortly afterwards, my phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello. I don’t think you realise how important this call is to [Son]. It’s vital that I speak with him on this matter.”

Me: *figuring I can get rid of her quicker if I take the bait* “Okay. About what, exactly?”

Telemarketer: “That’s private, I’m afraid, sir. I need to discuss this with [Son] personally. Data protection, I’m sure you understand.”

Me: “Listen. My son is 14 months — as in one year and two months — old. I don’t know what you want, but I guarantee he won’t be interested. So, I’m going to go ahead and decline your generous offer on his behalf.” *hangs up*

(Ring, ring.)

Me: “All right, what?”

Telemarketer: “You know, if I were the police I could have you arrested.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Telemarketer: *condescendingly* “If my call was a police matter, you could be arrested for obstruction of justice.”

Me:Are you the police?”

Telemarketer: “I could be! As I said, this is a private matter between [Son] and me. I can’t discuss it with you.”

Me: “And as I said… You know what? I’ll pass you over to him.”

Telemarketer: *smugly* “A wise decision, sir.”

(I put the speaker on and pass the phone to my son, who holds it, staring in wonder.)

Son: “Ah?”

Telemarketer: “Good afternoon, Mr. [Son]. My name is [Telemarketer]. I’m calling on behalf of [Not the Police], and we have wonderful news! You have been selected to receive our exclusive offers that you won’t find…”

(My son giggles and babbles to himself as he turns my phone this way and that.)

Telemarketer: “I’m sorry, Mr. [Son]. I didn’t quite catch that; could you say that again?”

(My son then put the phone right up to his mouth and yelled, “AAAAAAAAHHHH!” down the line, louder than I’d ever heard him. I could make out the unmistakable sound of an earpiece being thrown onto a desk, followed by the muffled voice of the telemarketer shouting, “Good f***ing God!” before the call got dropped. My son guffawed and then went back to playing with his toys. We didn’t get any more calls from them again.)

Loaning Your Services

, , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

(We have been receiving calls from a scammer once a week discussing nonexistent student loans and asking for banking information. Finally, I have had enough. The phone rings from the same call center.)

Me: “Hello.”

(Pause.)

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “That’s what I just said.”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “I think we have already covered this part of the conversation. May we move on, or shall we greet one another once more?”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to you about refinancing your student loans.”

Me: “Okay. Have fun with that, but I’m just going to set the receiver down and go start dinner, because I am 38 and paid off all my student loans years ago.”

(I set down the phone and I could hear talking for a full two minutes before the scammer realized I wasn’t there and hung up. So, I redialled the number and said we got disconnected. I did the same thing again. And again. Until supper was ready. One scammer kept off the phone for over an hour. You’re welcome, society!)

The Scam Of David

, , , , | Working | December 21, 2017

(My husband and I answer the phone at the same time. He speaks before I do, so I just listen to the standard beginning of the “Microsoft Support” scam call. When the caller says his name is David, I break into the conversation:)

Me: “Can you spell that?”

(He begins his spiel again. When he repeats his alleged name, I again ask him to spell it.)

Caller: *total silence for a full minute, then a click*

(Possibly the fastest I’ve ever gotten a nuisance caller to hang up!)

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