(A scam artist calls my house. I answer.)

Scammer: “There is a problem with your computer.”

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “Actually, this is a routine check-up. I’m getting a notification that there is a problem with your computer.”

Me: “Which computer?”

Scammer: “Actually, it’s a problem with your Internet. Whenever you log in to the Internet or check your email, it downloads a virus.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Scammer: “This is what we need to do…”

(I cut him off, sounding horrified.)

Me: “I don’t even have an email!”

(He hung up. I wonder why.)

(This happened in 2017 when those scam callers claiming to be the IRS were calling people about unpaid taxes. They tried to pull it on me and this is how it turned out.)

Scammer: “Hello, I’m calling for [My Name].”

Me: “One moment, please.”

Scammer: “Okay.”

Me: *starts playing a scene from the 90’s movie “Good Burger”* “Look out; he’s loose!” “Goodness gracious! He’s killing Sydney!” *crashing noise*

Scammer: “Sir, is everything all right?”

Me: *panting like I’m out of breath* “Yeah, just another day at the psych ward. Now, you were saying?”

Scammer: *hangs up*

(I get a call from a scammer. I realise it because there is a period of dead time when I first answer the call.)

Me: “Hello.” *hears nothing* “Hello? Hello?”

(There’s a click, and instantly there’s a lot of background noise consisting of a number of people talking.)

Scammer: “Hello, is that Mrs. [Surname]?”

Me: “Hello? Hello? I can’t hear anything; is someone there?”

Scammer: “Yes, I’m here, calling you from Microsoft.”

Me: “Is someone there? I can’t hear anything”

Scammer: *louder* “Can you hear me now?”

Me: “No, I can’t hear you.”

(He hung up for some reason.)

(I’ve been getting a lot of scam calls since I’ve been on maternity leave, with various claims. This call is the third in one morning, and I’ve had enough.)

Scammer: “I’m calling from [Telecom Provider]. Your Internet is about to be cut off.”

Me: “This is ridiculous; it’s obviously a scam. Please stop calling me. Don’t you have anything better to do? Just f*** off and get a life!” *hangs up*

(Two minutes later the phone rings again.)

Scammer: “F*** you, too!” *hangs up*

Me: *laughs*

(The scammer was actually so upset that he rang back just to say that!)

(I’ve been getting a lot of scam calls recently and I’m sick of them. The next time one calls I decide to have a little fun with them.)

Scammer: “Good morning, [My Name]. I’m calling from [UK ISP that scammers always claim to be calling from]. We have detected errors on your broadband line…”

Me: “Well, okay, but who did you say you were looking for?”

Scammer: “I’m looking for [My Name]. I’m calling from [UK ISP].”

Me: “Ah, sorry, mate. [My Name] doesn’t actually live here anymore!”

Scammer: “I see. Do you have a number for him?”

Me: “Well, it’s going to be tough to contact him; he’s in prison.”

Scammer: “I don’t understand…”

Me: “Yeah, he’s in prison. Last time someone called him pretending to work for [UK ISP], he hunted them down and stabbed them to death!”

Scammer: “F*** you!” *click*

(I haven’t had any more calls for a while now!)