I was driving along the motorway and my phone was connected via Bluetooth so I could be completely hands-free except for the button on the steering wheel to disconnect the call.

I get one of those invest-your-money-with-us-thieves calls as I’ve just joined the motorway. I do the usual who’s-calling-please, no-thank-you-not-interested stuff, after which my usual technique is to block the number on the phone. But as I’m driving, I can’t do that; I don’t know of a voice command to block a number.

A few seconds later, she calls again.

Me: “Nope, still not interested.” *Click*

Again.

Me: “Nope. F*** off.” Click*

Again.

Me: “F*** off.” Click*

Again.

Me: “F*** off and die, c***.” *Click*

And again and again and again.

Eventually, I am amused enough to let her say something before telling her to f*** off. 

Caller: “Do you want to do this all day?”

Me: “Yep. F*** off.”

She still doesn’t get the message.

Eventually, we have done about twenty or thirty rounds of this.

Me: “It’s your time you’re wasting here, not mine; I’m still driving.”

That was when she finally understood that she was not going to get anywhere with me.

At the next service station, I parked and blocked the number in case she decided to play the game again.

I’ve been getting an absurd number of spam calls from “Amazon” claiming I need to reconfirm my payment settings. It’s bad; I’m getting over five calls a day. Though I block the number each time, the number spoofing is good and I keep getting more and more calls from different places each time. Eventually, I get sick of it.

Me: *To my wife* “Ugh, another spam call. Brace yourself; I’m going to be loud.”

Wife: “Are you going to yell at them? That doesn’t work.”

Me: “No. I’m putting my theater and choir kid training to good use.”

I answer the call. The scammer does their spiel.

Scammer: “To speak with our cybersecurity department, press two.”

I press two and inhale deeply.

Scammer: “Thank you for calling Amazon—”

I screamed for a solid ten seconds. The scammer hung up. It seems to have worked; I haven’t gotten a call in weeks.

We’ve been getting a lot of scam calls for the past few months. Sometimes it’s “Windows” claiming my computer has a bug, sometimes we’ve apparently “won a free consultation with a fortune teller,” and so on. My mother works from home and is getting pretty pissed off because they keep interrupting her work. I decided to handle the next call.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Congratulations! You’ve been selected for a free consultation with our fortune teller!”

Me: *In a creepy tone* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to call me.”

Scammer: “Right! So, all we need from you is—”

Me: *Interrupting* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to ask me something.”

Scammer: “Okay, madam, erm… So, our fortune teller—”

Me: “Ooooooh, I knew it was a fortune teller.”

Scammer: *Stammering* “Erm… I don’t understand.”

Me: “Oooooh, I’m a Seer myself, you see.”

There’s a pause and then the scammer hangs up.

Me: “Oooooh, I knew they were going to hang up.”

My mother had to leave the room because she was laughing so much.

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After weeks of getting phone calls about our car’s “expired warranty” and how we can improve on that, I finally decide to answer the phone.

Scammer: “Hi! Can I have the make and model of your car?”

Me: “Yes! It’s a 1998 Ford Ranger. If you can get a warranty on that… Oh, they hung up.”

I didn’t get another call about that for several months!

Apparently, there is a new spin on the “your computer is infected” scam. Here is the full extent of a Saturday afternoon call to my landline.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this the technician who worked on your computer last time. Remember?”

I have a ten-second belly laugh.

Me: “Bye.”

Scammer: “Bye.”

For the record, no one — technician or otherwise — has worked on my computer.