(I got this scam call last week, and I thought I’d play along.)

Caller: *heavy accent* “Hello, this is Patrick from Microsoft and I have been receiving messages that your computer has a virus.”

Me: “That’s terrible!”

Caller: “If you would go to your computer now and turn it on…”

Me: “You guys haven’t fixed it yet?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “On Monday, Charles called and said he could fix my computer. I gave him my credit card number and he charged me $350.”

Caller: “Charles did?”

Me: “Yes. William said if I paid $728, my computer would be fixed.”

Caller: “Well, he called from Windows Support; I am calling from Microsoft.”

Me: “Yes, that was where James was calling from, too, on Thursday when I gave him my credit card number and he charged me $93.”

(This went on for about ten minutes. I would always use a different name, day, and dollar amount each time I said I gave my credit card number. It confused “Patrick” so much that he thanked me for my business and hung up. I haven’t had a call now for two weeks!)

(My husband has been receiving several scam calls a day. After reading a few stories on here, I told him to tell the caller that he was a minor.) 

Husband: “I got a scam call again yesterday and I tried your trick of getting put on the do-not-call list. I told him I was fourteen.”

Me: “Oh? How’d it go?”

Husband: “The caller told me I could go f*** myself and that I was going to Hell for lying about my age. Then, he yelled that I sounded fifteen–” *my husband is thirty-four and doesn’t in any way sound like a teenager* “–then demanded I give him my Facebook information so he could look me up, and then he continued yelling at me so I put him on mute and let him rant before hanging up. “

Me: “Wow….”

Husband: *laughing* “I thought you said it would work!”

Me: “I didn’t know you’d get an a**hole!”

(I am going through a period of getting calls from scammers, usually with an incredibly thick Indian accent, giving a very American name and claiming to be calling on behalf of Microsoft for some essential update. The first time, I initially thought they were linked to my work where the IT support is a genuinely good company in India, although it was odd that they would call me at home. After some questions about my system, they wanted me to visit a site. I first quickly Googled it which confirmed it was a scam and I hung up. I went along far enough that they considered me a potential victim and called at least five times more in the next hour, claiming urgency. Over the next couple of months, I became unemployed, so I couldn’t afford to simply ignore unknown callers IDs, but the accent and opening lines usually make it clear who I am dealing with. These are some my of responses. I’ll skip their intro spiel. I’m male and so is the scammer:)

Me: *in a sultry voice* “Well, hello, sweetie. What are you wearing?”

Scammer: “…” *click*

(Another case:)

Me: *sigh* “Listen, I know this is a scam. Please just hang up and delete my number.”

(Cue the scammer insisting they are real a couple of times.)

Me: “Okay, I’m done. Do me a favor and jump off a cliff or something. Just f*** off.”

Scammer: *in the same tone as a greeting* “F*** you, too, sir.” *hangs up*

(I need a second to process the politest, rudest dismissal I have ever gotten. Another time, the phone rings at 6:00 am; my grandfather was committed to the hospital the day before.)

Scammer: “Hi, I’m calling from Micros–”

Me: *WORDLESS SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS*

(Another case:)

Me: “Listen, I know that if I follow your instructions you would lock my computer and ask for payment to unlock it. I’m clearly not going to do that, so just give up.”

Scammer: “No, sir, I am calling from Microsoft per instructions by Bill Gates and need you to–”

Me: “Okay, how about this, then: let’s skip the whole bit where you lock my computer and I’ll just send you money to stop calling me?”

Scammer: *without missing a beat* “Certainly. How much money would you send?”

Me: *incredulous pause* “You seriously think I would do that?” *click*

(I later talked to my dad, who works for the police. He said I should have written down their account details. This might have made it possible to trace them, and asking for money to not call people counts as extortion, which makes for a stronger case than phone harassment. It’s almost sad that was the last call I got from them.)

My stepfather works at an energy company as a machinist. He and a few of his coworkers are all heading to lunch together. As they are walking, one man takes a call from an unknown number. It soon becomes clear from his end of the conversation that he’s talking to one of those scammers that tells you your computer has a virus.

All the other guys are waving their arms and telling him to hang up, but this man doesn’t get the hint. He gives them his credit card information and hangs up. My stepfather tells him that was obviously a scam, and he said, “No, they’re charging me very reasonably for the service — only $49.99!”

My stepfather gets him to check his bank account. The scammers have charged him $49.99, all right — dozens of times, until the account was empty.

The man immediately jumps back on the phone, and my stepfather is left to wonder how people who are trusted to handle dangerous equipment like generators and power lines can be so very gullible.

(I work at a small, privately-owned funeral home. While my main job title is embalmer, during less busy periods I also work in the office and often have to answer the phones. The funeral home opened in 1935 and was named after the original owner; the business has changed hands numerous times over the years, but the name has always stayed the same. This has resulted in some telemarketers requesting to speak to the original owner who, of course, has been dead for more than 50 years. Usually, we just tell them we aren’t interested, as the owner figures if they can’t bother to figure out who owns the business, then they mustn’t have anything of use for us. However, one day, after having already received several phone calls asking for [Original Owner], I decide to have a little fun.)

Telemarketer: “Good afternoon. This is [Telemarketer] from [Scam Company]. Could I please speak to [original owner]?”

Me: “I’m so sorry; you hadn’t heard? He passed away… in 1965.”

Telemarketer: “Oh…” *click*

(I figure the very least a scam company could do to make their act convincing is to update their records.)