I’m alone at home and my phone starts ringing.

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] from [Phone Provider]. Your phone line will be cut within the next twenty-four hours, so we need you to phone our special number for further instructions.”

I’m working from home due to the sanitary situation, and losing my phone and my Internet would be a VERY bad thing for me. However, there’s something about this woman’s voice that screams “scam attempt.” She makes me write the special number down and it’s becoming obvious that it’s a premium rate number: if I phone them, I’ll lose a lot of money. I could just hang up now or tell her I’m not fooled, but I decide to play with her, instead.

Scammer: “So! You have our number!”

Me: “Yes! 06 26…”

Scammer: “No. I just said 00 26.”

Me: “00 36…”

Scammer: “No. 00 26…”

Me: “00 26…”

Scammer: “76…”

Me: “36…”

Scammer: “No! There’s no 36!”

Me: “How dare you say that? One of my coworkers is thirty-six, and she’s a truly wonderful person!”

Scammer: “There’s no thirty-six in this phone number. Let’s resume.”

Me: “Okay, let’s resume, but please, don’t insult the number thirty-six.”

Scammer: “Goodbye.”

She hung up. I waited twenty-four hours and my line wasn’t cut. I guess it was definitely a scam attempt.

I run the office in a small family-owned auto repair shop. The owner is also the lead technician, so his days are very busy working on cars along with the duties of running the business. My job is to take care of everything I can on the business end so he’s free to concentrate on the repairs. Our policy is that the owner does not take phone calls, especially cold sales calls. If a customer or known vendor needs to speak to him and it’s something I can’t help with, the owner takes the call, of course. We get annoying sales calls all day, every day — my least favorite part of my job.

A youngish-sounding woman calls and asks to speak to “the owner.” She doesn’t call him by name, although she could find that information on our website in about three seconds.

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s not available. May I help you?”

Caller: “No, I need to talk to the owner. When’s a good time to reach him?”

Me: “I’m sorry, he doesn’t take calls. May I help you?”

Caller: “He doesn’t take calls?”

Me: “No, he doesn’t have time to deal with calls; that’s what he pays me for. Is there something I can help you with?”

I guess by this time, my tone may have gone from very polite at the beginning to a bit testy.

Caller: “No, you sound agitated. I’ll call back later and talk to the owner. Click.”

Sure, honey, because suddenly someone else will answer the phone in my one-person office and put you through to the boss. Oh, and of course, I’ll be less “agitated” when you call again.

I’m getting calls every hour on my landline — I guess I have a landline; who knew? — from a scam call centre, hoping to coax me into letting them into my home network. I have ignored them, gotten angry, reported them, etc. They keep calling. So, I try a new tack.

Caller: “This is [Company] support. How are you?”

Me: “I’m great! How are you?”

Caller: “I’m good. I am calling about the problems with your broadband. We are seeing a lot of errors.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! I’ve been meaning to call you about that. Thanks.”

Skip the bit when I straight-out lie about the colours of the lights on my router.

Caller: “So, do you have a laptop or computer to connect to the Internet?”

Me: “Yes, I have a laptop but is… um… in a box.”

Yeah, improv is not one of my skills. 

Caller: “If you set it up, I will wait.”

Me: “Great! Won’t be long.”

Now I am in a coffee shop. I wonder how long she waited before hanging up?

I never usually answer my phone for numbers I do not recognize. I am waiting for a call from my resident advisor regarding a dorming matter; he has my number but I do not have his. My phone rings and I assume it is him, so I answer it.

Me: “What’s up?!”

Scammer: “Hello, miss. We have been trying to get a hold of you for quite some time. Your computer has a serious bug and you need to act fast!”

I have nothing better to do, so let’s play along.

Me: “Really? D***. Which computer is it on?”

Scammer: “It is on your main computer. We need your details so we can log in and help get rid of the bug.”

Me: “Well, I have a couple of computers, so you really need to nail it down.”

Scammer: “Whichever one you use the most, that is the one.”

Me: “But I make sure to use them equally every day. If I didn’t, they would get upset with me!” *Whispering* “We wouldn’t like it if they got upset. You know what I mean?”

Scammer: “Um, no, I’m not really sure, but your computer has a—”

Me: “Yes, yes, a bug.” *Lowers voice* “But which ONNNNEEEEE?”

Scammer: “Miss—”

Me: “Shhh! Not so loud! They can hear us!”

Scammer: “Who?”

Me: *Practically scream-whispering* “THE COMPUTERS. THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. ALWAYS. WATCHING.”

Scammer: “Okay, I’m just going to—”

Me: *Now literally screaming* “AND THE DAY SHALL COME WHEN FIRE DESCENDS UPON THE EARTH AND THE DEVIL WILL CLAW HIS WAY UP FROM HELL. ONLY THE HOLY WILL BE SPARED. THE COMPUTERS ARE BEHIND IT. THEY. ARE. EVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLLL—”

I made sure to draw out the evil until I heard the distinctive click of the scammer hanging up. Game, set, match.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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I was driving along the motorway and my phone was connected via Bluetooth so I could be completely hands-free except for the button on the steering wheel to disconnect the call.

I get one of those invest-your-money-with-us-thieves calls as I’ve just joined the motorway. I do the usual who’s-calling-please, no-thank-you-not-interested stuff, after which my usual technique is to block the number on the phone. But as I’m driving, I can’t do that; I don’t know of a voice command to block a number.

A few seconds later, she calls again.

Me: “Nope, still not interested.” *Click*

Again.

Me: “Nope. F*** off.” Click*

Again.

Me: “F*** off.” Click*

Again.

Me: “F*** off and die, c***.” *Click*

And again and again and again.

Eventually, I am amused enough to let her say something before telling her to f*** off. 

Caller: “Do you want to do this all day?”

Me: “Yep. F*** off.”

She still doesn’t get the message.

Eventually, we have done about twenty or thirty rounds of this.

Me: “It’s your time you’re wasting here, not mine; I’m still driving.”

That was when she finally understood that she was not going to get anywhere with me.

At the next service station, I parked and blocked the number in case she decided to play the game again.