Scam Caller: *recording* “This is the final notice about your credit card. Please press one to be connected to an agent to resolve this issue.”

Me: *presses one*

Scam Caller: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine. Could you please hold?”

Scam Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I cued up a ten-hour YouTube video of Lamb Chop’s “This is the song that doesn’t end,” and took the dogs for a walk. Yes, I keep a hot-link to this video now, for this exact purpose. But I’m a little surprised; usually they hang up after the first few seconds, but this scammer lasted a couple of minutes at least. And the dogs had a nice little walk.)

(I get a phone call from an 800-number I don’t recognize. Every now and then, these are legitimate calls, so I answer.)

Recording: “Hello, this call is in regards to the interest rate on your Visa or Mastercard credit card account. To speak to a representative, please stay on the line.”

(As I only have one credit card, which is a secured card through a company that always identifies themselves on the phone, I know that this is a scam. I’ve got time, so I figure it’ll be fun to mess with the scammer, and I stay on the line.)

Scammer: “Hi, this is a call in regards to your Visa or Mastercard credit card. May I have your name, please?”

Me: “Sure, but first, what credit card company are you calling from?”

Scammer: *pause* “This is about your Visa or Mastercard credit card.”

Me: “Right, I gathered that. But which [Company] is the credit card through? Visa and Mastercard are typically issued by another company. So, which company is this?”

(He hung up on me. Rude.)

(I get a voicemail stating the IRS needs to speak to me about a matter of unpaid taxes. I see the number and decide to call it back for some fun. I’m a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice.)

Me: “Hello, I just got a voicemail that the IRS needs to speak to me about an important matter?”

Caller: “Yes, can I have your full name and date of birth, please?”

Me: “Sure.” *provides it*

Caller: “Okay, I have your info here and I must let you know I am a federal agent for the US government; my name is Agent Brown. You filed your taxes wrong, and there is now a lawsuit against you in the sum of 5,000 USD. You have to pay it back, and if you do not, then in the next 45 minutes all your bank accounts will be frozen, a warrant for your arrest will be issued, and officers will be at your home to arrest you. All in the next 45 minutes.”

Me: “Wow, really? Five thousand USD and a warrant will be issued for my arrest? On what charges will the warrant be issued? I would like to know what I am being charged with.”

Caller: “Sir, it is a lawsuit that you have to pay; that is what the warrant will be issued as.”

Me: “Well, to have a warrant, you have to have a court hearing, file the charges in the court, have the judge sign off on the warrant, and then execute the warrant. So, again, what am I being charged with?”

Caller: “If you do not pay, your bank account will be frozen and you will be arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, let me introduce myself to you. My name is [My Name]. I am a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice, so if you’re going to be impersonating a Federal Agent and what not, you might want to stop now before I report this number. I also know this is a scam.”

Caller: “You’re a federal law enforcement officer? If so, what is your ID number?”

Me: “My badge number?”

Caller: “Your ID number.”

Me: “My badge number is [badge number].”

Caller: “What is your work extension for your phone?”

Me: “Lady, I’m not giving you my work number. You have called my cell phone so, look, this is a scam. Stop calling me.”

Caller: “You are a liar. I know you’re lying because you will not give me your extension number for your work. You need to pay this money or get arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, then come arrest me. I will be in uniform since I am heading to work. Also, I am taking this number with me and doing a back trace on it to find out where you’re from.”

(Then I hung up. Guess what? I was never arrested. I bought my lunch about a hour later, and guess what? My account was not frozen.)

(I’m on medical leave from work for a while, so I have time to answer all those scam phone calls I usually ignore. Once I get through the recording, unless it sounds like a legitimate business, I like to have a little fun with the scammers.)

Me: *in a fake Russian accent* “Yes, hallo! You are calling me about my car?”

Scammer: “Yes, do you know that your car’s warranty has expired, sir? It is very important to have a good warranty on your car, sir, in case anything breaks.”

Me: “You are saying something is broken in my car?”

Scammer: “Not broken, sir. Expired. Your warranty has expired.”

Me: “Oh. Uh… maybe you can help me understand. I am not knowing too much about cars. What is this ‘warranty’ device? Is part of engine, or what?”

Scammer: “No, it’s not part of your car, sir, it’s… It’s a service that protects your car. It can cover damage from breakdowns or bad weather.”

Me: “Ah, yes! Understand! But I am not thinking I need warranty to cover my car. I already have garage. Is good enough, I think, yeah?”

Scammer: *click*

(I work in the office of a veterinary hospital. We get a lot of spam calls of random people trying to sell us stuff. Also, because we’re a vet clinic, I’m in the habit of letting them know the owner/vet has no time to talk to these spam calls because she is with clients or in surgery; sometimes I say this even if she isn’t. Usually, they at least understand this, because we’re a business and it’s what we do. One day I get a caller who apparently doesn’t catch what type of business we are.)

Me: *answering phone* “[My Name], vet hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to speak to the owner, please.”

Me: “She’s in surgery right now; can I take a message?”

Caller: *pauses* “Oh! Oh, dear. Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. I’ll call back another time; I hope she’s okay!” *hangs up*

(Best way to get rid of a spammer!)