Like The Steve Rogers Of Scammers, She Can Do This All Day

, , , , | Working | July 2, 2021

I was driving along the motorway and my phone was connected via Bluetooth so I could be completely hands-free except for the button on the steering wheel to disconnect the call.

I get one of those invest-your-money-with-us-thieves calls as I’ve just joined the motorway. I do the usual who’s-calling-please, no-thank-you-not-interested stuff, after which my usual technique is to block the number on the phone. But as I’m driving, I can’t do that; I don’t know of a voice command to block a number.

A few seconds later, she calls again.

Me: “Nope, still not interested.” *Click*


Me: “Nope. F*** off.” Click*


Me: “F*** off.” Click*


Me: “F*** off and die, c***.” *Click*

And again and again and again.

Eventually, I am amused enough to let her say something before telling her to f*** off. 

Caller: “Do you want to do this all day?”

Me: “Yep. F*** off.”

She still doesn’t get the message.

Eventually, we have done about twenty or thirty rounds of this.

Me: “It’s your time you’re wasting here, not mine; I’m still driving.”

That was when she finally understood that she was not going to get anywhere with me.

At the next service station, I parked and blocked the number in case she decided to play the game again.

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They Read You Loud And Clear

, , , , | Legal | June 24, 2021

I’ve been getting an absurd number of spam calls from “Amazon” claiming I need to reconfirm my payment settings. It’s bad; I’m getting over five calls a day. Though I block the number each time, the number spoofing is good and I keep getting more and more calls from different places each time. Eventually, I get sick of it.

Me: *To my wife* “Ugh, another spam call. Brace yourself; I’m going to be loud.”

Wife: “Are you going to yell at them? That doesn’t work.”

Me: “No. I’m putting my theater and choir kid training to good use.”

I answer the call. The scammer does their spiel.

Scammer: “To speak with our cybersecurity department, press two.”

I press two and inhale deeply.

Scammer: “Thank you for calling Amazon—”

I screamed for a solid ten seconds. The scammer hung up. It seems to have worked; I haven’t gotten a call in weeks.

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What, You Didn’t See That Coming?

, , , , | Legal | June 6, 2021

We’ve been getting a lot of scam calls for the past few months. Sometimes it’s “Windows” claiming my computer has a bug, sometimes we’ve apparently “won a free consultation with a fortune teller,” and so on. My mother works from home and is getting pretty pissed off because they keep interrupting her work. I decided to handle the next call.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Congratulations! You’ve been selected for a free consultation with our fortune teller!”

Me: *In a creepy tone* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to call me.”

Scammer: “Right! So, all we need from you is—”

Me: *Interrupting* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to ask me something.”

Scammer: “Okay, madam, erm… So, our fortune teller—”

Me: “Ooooooh, I knew it was a fortune teller.”

Scammer: *Stammering* “Erm… I don’t understand.”

Me: “Oooooh, I’m a Seer myself, you see.”

There’s a pause and then the scammer hangs up.

Me: “Oooooh, I knew they were going to hang up.”

My mother had to leave the room because she was laughing so much.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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Out Of Range

, , , | Legal | June 4, 2021

After weeks of getting phone calls about our car’s “expired warranty” and how we can improve on that, I finally decide to answer the phone.

Scammer: “Hi! Can I have the make and model of your car?”

Me: “Yes! It’s a 1998 Ford Ranger. If you can get a warranty on that… Oh, they hung up.”

I didn’t get another call about that for several months!

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Scamming: Short, Sweet, And Still Stupid

, , , | Legal | May 27, 2021

Apparently, there is a new spin on the “your computer is infected” scam. Here is the full extent of a Saturday afternoon call to my landline.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this the technician who worked on your computer last time. Remember?”

I have a ten-second belly laugh.

Me: “Bye.”

Scammer: “Bye.”

For the record, no one — technician or otherwise — has worked on my computer.

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