My family is on a long car ride when my husband’s phone rings and he answers it. After a few minutes of conversation, he tells the man to hold on, places the phone face down on his seat, and returns to his earlier conversation from before the call. Everyone in the family knows by now that this means he believes the person on the phone is a scammer, and he plans to intentionally waste their time, so we don’t think anything about it.

A little while later…

Husband: “Wait, do you hear that?”

Me: “It’s the person on the phone.”

Husband: “He hasn’t hung up yet?! Man, if I wasn’t driving, I’d start messing with anyone that persistent.”

Me: “Allow me.”

He hands me the phone. I listen in for a while until the man sounds like he is about ready to hang up before I speak up.

Me: “Hello! Anyone there?”

Scammer: “Umm, yes, hello. Is this [Husband]?”

Me: “That’s my husband.”

Scammer: “Oh, well, I was calling from the IRS about some back taxes he owes. He was going to go get his Social Security number for me. I don’t suppose you know it?”

Me: “Oh, did my husband leave you waiting all this time?”

Scammer: “Yes, it was a bit of a wait. We’re very busy this time of the year, so I’d like to verify that information so I can help sort this out quickly before it’s too late.”

Me: “I’m sorry about my husband. You see, English isn’t his first language, and he sometimes has trouble understanding people on the phone.”

Scammer: “Oh, that’s fine. I understand. I just needed to get—”

Me: “Yeah, honestly, my husband, he… Well, he’s not that bright. He always tends to forget what he is doing and zone out, staring at nothing. He’s a bit special, really. Not sure why I married the oaf.”

My husband has ADD, so he actually does have a slight tendency to forget what he is doing and stare off in the distance when hyperfocused. It’s not a big problem, but the family isn’t above some good-natured jokes at his expense for this. My kids are snickering at the description of their father, and my husband is just grinning.

Scammer: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But I was trying to get his Social Security number so I could help sort out these back taxes. Would you happen to know it?”

Me: “Oh, you want his number?”

Scammer: “Yes please.”

Me: “It’s [phone number he just called].”

Scammer: “That sounds like a phone number. I was actually looking for his Social Security number. It’s a nine-digit number, maybe broken up into three smaller numbers split by dashes.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m not good with numbers. Give me a second here.”

I take a second to think up a proper bogus number — and just to stall the guy a bit more. I make sure to sound very confused but sincere when I go back to the phone.

Me: “Umm, I don’t know, but is it 666-42-1337?

I figure he will pick up on at least one of those numbers being clearly bogus, but the man seems to be satisfied with it at first. I assume he runs it through something that spits back that it is invalid because, eventually, he comes back.

Scammer: “I don’t think that is right, ma’am. Could you double-check that number, please?”

Me: “Oh, these numbers are too confusing. Let me get someone who can help me.”

I mute him.

Me: “How often do you think we could pass him back and forth between the two of us before he realizes he’s not making any progress?

Son: “Oh, no, wait! I want to try! Can I talk to him next?”

Me: “Sure, why not? But I’d make him wait a bit longer before picking up. The more of his time we waste, the less time he can dedicate to scamming decent folks.”

I pass the phone back to my son, who unmutes it after waiting a minute or two. There is some dead time after he says each line where the scammer is presumably responding.

I should mention that my son is in middle school and has had two years of Spanish class, which is a far cry from being an expert in Spanish.

Son: “Hola. Mi nombre es Pedro. ¿Cómo estás? ¿hHablas español?” (Hello. My name is Pedro. How are you? Do you speak Spanish?)

Son: “¿Mi madre dice tu necesito un número?” (My mom says you need a number.)

Son: “No sé.” (I don’t know.)

Son: “Me duele mi cabeza. ¿Dónde está el baño? Tengo un gato en mi sombrero.” (My head hurts. Where is the bathroom? I have a cat in my hat.)

Apparently, my son is at the limit of his ability to say things that sound vaguely Spanish.

Son: “Si. Un momento.”

He mutes the phone.

Son: “Yeah, that’s all the Spanish I know. Mom, do you want him back?”

I take the phone back.

Me: “Great! Did you get everything you needed, then?”

Scammer: “I’m sorry, but whoever I was speaking to only knew Spanish.”

Me: “Oh, you can’t speak Spanish? You should have told me.”

Scammer: “Look, ma’am, all I need is your husband’s Social Security number, or yours if you don’t know his.”

Me: “Oh, no, I don’t have a Social.”

Scammer: “Every US citizen should have one.”

Me: “Well, yes, but you see, about that… It’s just that, umm… Wait. You don’t work for the FBI, do you?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, if you are not taking this seriously, I’ll hang up and let you deal with thousands of dollars in back taxes you owe on your own. Now, for the last time, all I need is a Social Security number for one of the residents in your household.”

Me: “Oh, no, no! Please don’t do that! I’m sorry. Look, I’ll go get it right now. Just one second, please!”

I mute him again.

Me: “I think he is finally on to us. Don’t think he’s going to last much longer.”

Daughter: “No, wait! I haven’t gotten my turn with him yet! Here, let me have some fun before he goes!”

I hand the phone back to my daughter. She has always been told she sounds young for her age. She plays this aspect up to the point that she sounds like a little kid.

Daughter: “Hello, how are you?”

Daughter: “I found the phone. Want to talk about My Little Pony?!”

Daughter: “Oh, no, my father’s not here. He got put in jail for bad driving and punching the police. Mama says it’s because he’s always thirsty, but I don’t know why that would make him want to punch someone.” 

Daughter: “No, they took me away from my mama because she kept bringing men that paid to be her boyfriends back to our house and making so much noise with them that I couldn’t sleep. Now I have to stay with some people until my mama learns to love me right.”

Daughter: “Oh, sure, I can get him!”

My daughter now holds the phone up to my nephew, who we are currently babysitting. He is a year old.

Daughter: “Say hi, [Nephew]!”

Nephew: “Hi! Hi! [Excited babbling]!”

At some point, the scammer gave up on us before we got the phone back from my nephew.

Honestly, I’m surprised he lasted that long. It’s so nice to bond with your family over small things, like trolling scammers.

Way back when televisions were newer and color TVs were out of the price range of most people, scam calls were much less common. That didn’t stop my grandma.

When someone called and told her she’d won a color television, she hung up on them. They called back, she hung up.

Repeat several times until my grandfather got home. He answered the next call, asked a few questions, and realized she had entered a drawing at the department store and won.

She was convinced it was a scam up until they delivered the TV and left without asking for money.

Of the many phone scam calls I get EVERY DAY, this story is how I played one particular call.  

Scammer: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “Fine, thank you.”

Scammer: “That’s good. My name is Frank, and I am calling in reference to your Social Security number.”

Me: “What are you talking about? Is there something wrong? Has somebody stolen my number?”

Scammer: “It seems that your number is linked to some illegal activities.”

Me: “What activities? I’m not a crook.”

Scammer: “I need you to confirm your Social Security number and name before I can continue to talk about this.”

Me: “My name is Earl [Last Name] and my number is [number].”

Scammer: “That is correct with my files. So, to explain the illegal activity associated with you, it involves—”

I cut him off at that point.

Me: “Well, it can’t be me because that name is a client who died some ten years ago, and the social security number belongs to my dad who died in 1976. So, gee, Frank, that makes you a lying sack of s***.”

Scammer: “A**hole.”

He hung up.

I recently got a phone call at work that set several red flags flying for me. First, when I answered the phone, there were several seconds of silence before I got anybody on the line. Then came the tell-tale noises of a busy call centre and, finally, a lady with a foreign accent.

She gave her name, but the next part of the call was indecipherable due to a badly glitching line. Hmmm… I caught something about:

Caller: “…as a valued phone and electricity customer, you are eligible for a discount.”

Me: “Okay, that sounds good.”

I was a bit suspicious but, well, the big companies do tend to outsource, so I thought maybe this MIGHT be legit… but then came the final red flag.

Caller: “Can you tell me who your electricity provider is, please?”

Me: “If I’m a ‘valued customer’, you’d already know that. Goodbye!”

Sorry, scammers, but I have work to do!

For a while, I was getting a lot of scam calls — mainly the Microsoft virus one. Hanging up didn’t stop them, and they kept changing numbers, so I couldn’t block them. So, I figured I might as well have some fun with them. The first call after I decided this:

Scam Caller #1: “Hello, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft because your computer is infected with a lot of viruses.”

Me: “Oh, you do know I have a Master’s degree in computer science, right?”

I don’t.

Scam Caller #1: *Click*

That was over so quickly, I thought I needed to step up my game a little. So, on the following call:

Scam Caller #2: “Hello, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft because your computer is infected with a lot of viruses.”

Me: “But I’m Amish.”

Scam Caller #2: “What?”

Me: “I’m Amish.”

Scam Caller #2: “What does that mean?”

Me: “It means I don’t believe in owning or using modern technology.”

Scam Caller #2: “Oh. Does that mean you don’t have a computer?”

Me: “That’s right. I don’t even own a telephone.”

Scam Caller #2: “Oh. Okay, then! Bye! Have a good day!” *Click*

I stared at the phone the caller had just been talking to me on before bursting into giggles.

I am aware that my explanation of Amish culture was very simplified and probably not entirely accurate. I wasn’t trying to be factual, just trying to confuse a scammer, and it worked! I didn’t get any more calls after that one.