I answer sort of the “official” phone of the company after the CEO. I don’t know if that matters. I only know I have been getting a lot of scam calls lately, but being “official”, I can’t refuse to answer unknown numbers. And I am fed up with them.

Scammer: “Hi. I am calling you from Microsoft Support. There is VIRUS on your computer.”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling.”

Scammer: “You have virus on your computer, and I will tell you how to remove them. First, you need to—”

Me: “You do know that you have called an adult phone line? We charge $5.99 per minute. I am totally fine with talking to you, but I just need to make sure you understand the cost of this.”

Scammer: “What? I will not pay $5.99 per minute.”

Me: “You are still on the phone with me, and the meter is running.”

Scammer: *Panicky* “You cannot charge me $5.99 per minute!”

Me: “I am not charging you. Your phone company is adding it to the bill. You accepted this when you didn’t hang up after the initial message before you were connected to me. All our prices were explained there.”

Scammer: “I will not pay.” *Hangs up*

Five minutes later, the phone rings again.

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Scammer: “There was no message before I was connected to you. If you are charging $5.99 per minute now, you are scamming me!”

Me: “After I told you I was charging $5.99 and that this was a phone service for adults, you still called me back, and now you’re telling me that despite the fact that you now know we charge $5.99 per minute, you want to talk to me about not paying $5.99 per minute… for $5.99 per minute? So far, you have spent $33 on this. As I told you before, I can keep talking to you about the bill, or we can switch to something more like what my other customers want to talk about. What are you wearing now?”

Scammer: *Click*

I am male, and I work in the finance department of a software company.

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I work at the front desk at a clinic. I answer the phone, and it is an obvious (to me) scam, saying that the caller is from Apple and that our cloud data has been lost or stolen. I hang up, but after I do so, I think of a way to mess with the scammers and hope they call back. They do.

Scammer: “Hi. This is Apple calling to let you know that your cloud data has been lost. We need your login information immediately to retrieve it, or it will be gone forever!”

Me: “Oh, no!”

Scammer: “Yes, it is very important that you give us your login information so we can retrieve your data.”

Me: “My data is in clouds?”

Scammer: “Yes, your cloud data.”

Me: “How’d they get my data all the way up there? Do they put it in the chemtrails?”

Scammer: “…Ma’am?”

Me: “The chemtrails! In the sky! Is that how they put my data in the clouds? My manifesto about how the earth is flat and we’re being deceived by Reptilians at the top of the chains of power is up there! Did the government steal it?”

The scammer introduced me to curses I’d never heard before and hung up.

I’ve been sick for about a week and have gotten several scam calls during this period — all appearing to be from the same scam effort. As my condition declines, so too does my tolerance for bulls***, culminating in this call.

Scammer: “Hello, sir, this is Microsoft Tech Support. I’m calling to—”

Me: “Could I ask you to stop right there?”

Scammer: “Sir?”

I move the phone away from my mouth for a moment for a sneeze that leaves my ears ringing like a gunshot.

Scammer: “Gesundheit.”

Me: “Thank you. One question: are you allowed to hang up on someone if they’re being abusive?”

Scammer: “I… Yes, sir.”

Me: “Glad to hear it. Now, I know it’s a scam, and I’m sick of you f***ers wasting my time while I’m trying to R&R. How many of you guys do I have to call a**holes before you add me to the do-not-call list?”

Scammer: “…Good day, sir.” *click*

I stopped getting calls running that scam.

I am a clerical worker for a State Government Agency. All these robocalls and scammer calls are ridiculous. The phone rang the other day, and I looked at the caller ID. I was almost positive it was one of those, but hey, work phone. I answered.

Me: “Hi! [State Government Agency], how can I help you?”

I heard the click as the robo-dialer kicked it over to a live person, who did not hear this greeting.

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi! You’ve reached [State Government Agency]. How may I help you?”

All I can figure is he thought I was lying about the number he’d called and was trying to get out of talking to him.

Caller: “Well, then, f*** you, b****!”

And he hung up.

I started laughing and told my coworkers that he didn’t even give me a chance to tell him, “Not unless you buy me dinner first!”

I am extremely afraid of spiders and bugs. I am dealing with a very large cricket — easily as big as my palm — jumping around close to my feet.

All of a sudden, I get a scam call and answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hi, I’m [Scammer] from [Company]. How are you?” 

Me: *Scared* “Not good. I’m being stalked by a cricket!”

Scammer: “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that… Nbye…”

And she hung up. I guess I’ve figured out how to stop these calls?