Someone’s Feeling A Little TOO Good

, , , , | Healthy | September 23, 2020

I am a student nurse who hasn’t seen much of the world. I’m working in a geriatric ward and I have been really enjoying working with these patients. Thus far, they have all been sweet, polite, and charming, and they usually have delightful things to tell me.

A group of patients has been positioned together in lounge chairs near the window. It’s a lovely sunny morning; the sun is streaming in and everyone is feeling great.

I approach one gentleman.

Me: “How are you doing there?”

Patient: “Ahhh…”

He settles himself right back in his chair.

Patient: “If I was any more comfortable, you’d be f****** me!”

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With No Bacon, Comes No Legal Responsibility

, , , | Right | September 21, 2020

I’m brewing coffee at a hospital cafeteria when a guy walks in. It is 10:20 am.

Customer: “Where is the breakfast?! I came down here for pancakes and bacon! Get me pancakes and bacon!”

Me: “Sir, the hot food ends at 9:30; you’re about half an hour late.”

Customer: “Bull! Your menu says you serve breakfast until 10:30. I’m a lawyer and I will sue you for false advertising.”

I point to the large-print menu right behind him.

Me: “As you can see, we have hot breakfast until 9:30, and then continental breakfast until 10:30. Maybe that’s what you saw.”

I show him the bagels, cold cereal, coffee, and fruit. He makes me explain three times what a continental breakfast is, interspersed with vague threats and “I’m a lawyer.” 

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am sure you aren’t a lawyer. The only people who say that are trying to bully people. Also, sir, are you really suggesting you would try and sue a hospital cafeteria because you couldn’t get some bacon?”

He huffed, grabbed his free coffee, and left while mumbling something about “lawyer…”

Related:
With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility, Part 5
With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility, Part 4
With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility, Part 3
With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility, Part 2
With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility

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We’re Sure She Remembers The Really Important Stuff

, , , | Healthy | September 21, 2020

I have just had minor surgery and am recovering from the general anaesthetic. The nurse in the ward has been amazing; she brings me a cheese sandwich which, after a day of not eating, was very appreciated. She asks if I want a drink and I say I do. However, after ten minutes pass, she hasn’t brought one. She walks past and suddenly gasps:

Nurse: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry; I forgot your drink. I’ll go get it now.”

She leaves, and after a further wait, I realise she has probably gotten sidetracked with other patients. I remember that I actually have a drink in my bag, so I just grab that.

After a while, the nurse walks past again.

Nurse: “I can’t believe I forgot your drink again! I am so bad at this job!”

At that, she slowly turns around to face the patient she was coming here to see and quickly shouts out.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean that! I promise I’m not bad at this job!”

I cracked up. Thank you, [Nurse], for making my day much brighter.

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Avocado Hand, Cousin Of Salad Fingers

, , , , , , | Healthy | September 16, 2020

My grandma calls my mom to tell her she has just had a minor fall, so my mom and I rush over to help her right away. We notice that she has bumped her head and it is bleeding slightly. Even though she is in a good mood and says she feels fine, we decide to take her to the emergency room to get it checked out.

At the hospital, my grandma is shown to a bed in a large open room with several other patients. In the bed closest to hers is a man in his twenties or so who looks really nervous, so we decide to start up a friendly conversation while we are all waiting.

Man: “Yeah, I’m here because of an avocado.”

Grandma: “Wow, must have been some avocado! How did you manage that?”

Man: “Yeah, man, avocados are like, really dangerous! I was just gonna make some guacamole — it’s so good, you know? So, I opened the avocado, and I went to take the pit out with a big knife like chefs do on TV. I hit the pit really hard, but the knife bounced and got my finger instead. I’m really afraid of blood, and so is everyone else in my family. It’s just, like, really gross and everything. So, I barely managed to call 911 before I passed out, and they brought me here.”

Grandma: “I had no idea avocados were so dangerous! Don’t worry, though; you got to the right place, and I’m sure they’ll have no trouble patching up your hand.”

Man: “I hope so because I’m starting to feel kinda woozy again.”

Just then, the man’s doctor arrives and starts getting ready to stitch up his hand. We chat amongst ourselves for a bit and then glance over to see how he is doing. The doctor is sitting in a chair beside the man’s bed, facing toward the foot of the bed, and bending over the man’s hand while he works on it.

The doctor is so focused on his work that he isn’t paying any attention to the man’s face, but from our side of the room, we can clearly see that all the color is draining out! I thought people only turned shades of green in cartoons, but let me tell you, it really happens to this guy. As he is getting paler and greener, we try to get the doctor’s attention, but he is concentrating really hard and doesn’t hear us.

Finally, we see the man start leaning to the side as if he were in slow motion, and then he starts to tip over!

Mom, Grandma, & Me: *Shouting* “Doctor! Your patient passed out!”

The doctor looks up for the first time, surprised.

Doctor: “Oh, well, would you look at that.”

He calls for a nurse, who arrives immediately and takes care of the poor guy. She stays with them the rest of the time to make sure he doesn’t pass out again!

Shortly after, another doctor arrives to take care of my grandma. After doing some tests, they find that, fortunately, her injury is minor and will cause no lasting damage, so they are able to give her a few stitches and then send us home.

As we are getting prepared to leave, the same nurse who helped the man earlier comes to check on us, and we ask her how he is doing.

Nurse: “Don’t worry; we got his hand all stitched up and he’ll be just fine. It was actually a pretty small cut. I’ve seen much worse avocado injuries before.”

Mom: “Really? Are people that bad at opening avocados?”

Nurse: “Oh, yeah, avocado injuries are really common, especially here in California where people eat them so often. Our nickname for the ‘syndrome’ is Avocado Hand.”

It was hard to keep from laughing at the man with the Avocado Hand! We’re just glad he ended up okay, and fortunately, my grandma made a full recovery, too. For years afterward, the story of meeting the Avocado Man at the hospital was one of our family’s favorites. Moral of the story: just take the pits out of your avocados with a spoon, people!

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PEBCAK, Episode IX

, , , , , | Working | September 10, 2020

My father works as a tech support in a hospital. He is sometimes “on call,” which basically means everyone in the hospital can call him at every, yes, EVERY hour of the day if there is a problem with a PC.

It is 3:00 am, and my mom and dad and I are sleeping in our rooms; mine is right next to theirs. We all suddenly wake as there’s a loud noise; it’s my father’s phone ringing and it’s someone from the hospital. It pisses us off but it happens less than once a month, and no one usually calls at night. It’s a nurse calling.

Dad: “Hello?”

Nurse: “Hello, is this [Dad’s Surname]?”

Dad: “Yes, what seems to be the issue?”

Nurse: “I am at the end of my night shift and I need to write a report down before I go home, but the office PC doesn’t start!”

Dad: “Okay, has it had problems in the past few days? The nurse before you said something about it not working well.”

Nurse: “No, nothing! What do I do?! I need to sleeeeep!

Dad: “What does the monitor say?”

Nurse: “‘No signal. ‘What does it mean?”

Dad: “Okay.”

He tells her what “no signal” stands for and tries to solve the problem. This goes on for about fifteen minutes but the PC still won’t start. Suddenly, my dad has a realization.

Dad: “Wait, look under the desk.”

Nurse: “Okay, what now?”

Dad: “Is the charger in the power-point?”

Nurse: “No? Should it be?”

Dad: *Huffs* “Yes, or else the PC has no electricity to work!”

Nurse: “Eww, but it’s gross! There’s too much dust! Can’t you come here and put it in for me?”

Dad: “Are you kidding me? I am here to tell you what to do, not to do it for you! You are a d*** nurse; you should have some gloves! If you’re so picky, use them! BYE!” *Hangs up*

My dad was fuming, and he was super tired and went back to sleep.

The hospital is one hour’s drive from my house, so the nurse wanted my dad to get in the car in the middle of the night, drive an hour, put a d*** charger in, and come back home. Some people!

Related:
PEBCAK, Episode VII
PEBCAK, Episode VI
PEBCAK, Episode V
PEBCAK, Episode IV
PEBCAK, Episode III

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