It is April Fool’s Day. I go into the hospital for a scheduled cesarean for my third child. Thanks to both a blood test and an ultrasound, we know we’re having a boy. The surgery starts, and it doesn’t go as expected.

Doctor: “Oh, wow, look at that!”

Surgical Tech: “Oh, my gosh.”

Me: “What?”

Doctor: “Okay, it’s a girl.”

Me & Husband: “What?”

Husband: “Did you say, ‘girl’?”

I just started laughing. And that’s how our daughter entered the world — by conning us into thinking she was going to be a boy, and revealing her true nature on April Fools Day. Well played, baby. Well played.

(So after my appendix was removed, I’ve come to and been taken back to my room, I realise that because of the air pumps on my legs (to prevent blood clots due to not being able to move for a while) and about 5 hospital blankets on top of me, I’m getting extremely hot. I’m still coming off G.A. so i do something stupid:)

Me: *leans forward to get blankets off, ends up crying from pain in abdomen*

Nurse: *who happened to be passing my room* “Sweetie!? What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Me: *laughing while also crying* “Yeah, i just managed to forget that they cut into me, I needed to get some blankets off me, and i stupidly tried to do it myself.”

Nurse: *begins chuckling a bit too* “That was a bit stupid. You should’ve called your nurse. Here.” *She takes all but one blanket off me* “Better?”

Me: “Much, thanks.”

(When my surgeon came to check on my dressings, it turns out that i’d just very slightly managed to split the wound under my naval. I’m dumb…)

(It’s 1 am. I’m at work. The phone rings.)

Me: *Hospital name*, this is *my name*.

Caller: I’d like to speak to the ER.

Me: Is this a medical question?

Caller: No

Me: May I ask what the call is concerning?

Caller: *Man’s name*

Me: Um, who?

Caller: I want to give the nurses a compliment.

(I now know what this call is about. He calls at random wanting us to put him through to the ER so he can tell the nurses that they are pretty. He doesn’t even doctor here.)

Me: I can’t put you through to the ER.

Caller: Will you give them the compliment for me?

Me: I will not.

(Seriously, what in the mother loving effing frick?)

I’ve had regular ear/sinus infections since I was a toddler, but with one exception when I was around ten or eleven they’ve never actually bothered me. As I get examined for one in my late twenties, I begin telling the doctor about a visit to my pediatrician when I was two.

Me: “–so he keeps asking my mom if I’ve been doing ANYTHING odd or seemed even SLIGHTLY upset, and she keeps saying no, so finally she asks why, and he looks at her and says: This baby has the worst ear infection I’ve ever seen!”
Doctor: “…you have the worst ear infection I’ve ever seen…”

(I’ve been dealing with morning sickness for weeks and my doctor’s office has sent me four reminders in two days this week to get blood work done, unrelated to the pregnancy. Today, I’m finally feeling well enough to go to the blood lab in the morning. It is a 30-minute drive to get there, and I’ve had to take a little time off work.)

Me: “Hello, I’m here for a blood draw.” *provides my name, date of birth, etc. as needed*

Blood Lab Front Desk: “Oh, we don’t have any record of this. Are you sure your doctor’s office sent it over?”

Me: “Yes, they’ve even sent me multiple reminders this week to come here.”

Blood Lab Front Desk: *confirms the name of my doctor* “No, there’s no record of this. Do you want me to call them?”

Me: “No, thank you. I’ll call them myself as I won’t have the time now to wait for them to send the order over and still do the draw.”

(So, I call the doctor’s office and explain the situation.)

Receptionist: “Well, we sent the order over. We faxed it.”

Me: “Okay, but they are saying they don’t have it, so they won’t do the draw. I’ve just driven for 30 minutes to do this and taken time off work. Now I don’t know when I’ll be able to do it again.”

Receptionist: “Um, well, we did fax it. Well, do you, like, um, want us to fax it again?”

Me: “Yes!”

(Inside I was thinking, “No! Please just continue to be as useless as you are right now.”)