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We’re Not Sure He Should Be Driving, Regardless Of His Vision

, , , , | Healthy | January 25, 2023

I recently had an appointment at an eye hospital for intermittent double vision. I was ushered into an examination room with two chairs, vision charts on the far wall, etc.

In the other chair, an older man was giving his details to an optometrist.

As I waited my turn, the optometrist told the man to put on his driving (distance) glasses and read a line from the chart. Instead, he put on an enormously thick-lensed pair of reading glasses, got out of the chair, and read the line with his nose pressed against the chart.

Optometrist: “Can’t you see the chart with your driving glasses?”

Man: “Yes, but I need my reading glasses to read it.”

*Cries In American*

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 23, 2023

A thirty-minute ambulance ride with three EMTs, one dose of steroids, and a nebulizer treatment (respiratory failure) resulted in a bill of over $1,500. Because I was on disability and only received about $800 a month, I just didn’t have it.

I called a couple of times to try to set up a payment plan, but no one ever called back, so it went to collections. I got the letter and saw that the collection agency had a specific phone line for setting up payments. 

Collector: “What kind of plan are you thinking of?”

Me: “I can pay about $100 a month.”

Collector: “Ma’am, are you aware of how much this bill is?”

Me: “Yes, I—”

Collector: “$100 a month will take you over a year to pay off.”

Me: “I know, but—”

Collector: “I’ll tell you what. We can set you up on four payments of—”

Me: “No. I can barely make this payment. I’m on disability. I only get $800 a month as it is.”

Collector: “Okay, so if you do $400 a month—”

I lost it.

Me: “Are you f****** kidding? Can you pay for everything in your life with $400 a month? I have to buy medications and food and—”

Collector: “Ma’am—”

Me: “I am offering $100 a month, and that is it.”

Collector: “I can’t approve that.”

Me: “Then find someone who can, or you won’t see a penny.”

Collector: “Hold on.”

I know it was rude. I know he was “just doing his job” and someone will undoubtedly say that I shouldn’t have taken the ambulance if I couldn’t afford it. Since the other option was dying, I took the ambulance.

After a few minutes, he returned to the line.

Collector: “I spoke with my supervisor. If you can make your first payment right now, we can approve $100 a month. But if you’re late once, the whole bill will be due. You will owe $100 by the fifteenth of every month.”

I get my payments on the tenth, so that worked.

Me: “Fine, thank you.”

It was a rough year, but with the help of my friends and family, I paid my debt in full.

What If Cats ARE Aliens?!

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 21, 2023

In 2019, I wake up in immense pain and decide to see a doctor. When my mom is driving me to urgent care, we talk about the theory that aliens were the ones that built the pyramids.

After urgent care, I’m sent to the ER, put in a room, and given something for pain, a side effect being drowsiness. A family friend comes to bring my mom coffee and see me. She looks at the monitors beside me and remarks that my blood pressure is high.

My mom convinces me to get some rest and says she’ll stay by my side. Soon after, I wake up.

Me: “Hey, Mom?”

Mom: “Yeah, sweetie?” 

Me: *Turning my head to look at her* “Cats built the pyramids.”

Mom: *Pauses* “What?”

Me: “Cats built the pyramids. They started out with tiny blocks and used metal spoons to carve the shape of them, and then they used a ray gun to make them bigger.”

Mom: *Chuckling* “Uh, okay, honey. Go back to sleep.”

She lightly pushes my head so I’m looking back up, and I fall asleep again. Soon after, I wake up again, not knowing a nurse is in the room.

Me: “Mooooom.”

Mom: “Yeah?”

Me: “Did you know that if an animal has high blood pressure when it’s killed, it tastes better?”

I don’t remember this next part, but according to my mom, I yell, “MMM! DEER STEAK!” before conking back out again.

Nurse: *Slowly turning to look at my mom* “Whatever pain medicine they gave her, we’re giving her a different one.”

The medicine they gave me for pain gave me such weird dreams, and whatever happened during the day before influenced them. To this day, if I say that some meat tastes good, my family teases me about those odd dreams. For anyone wondering, I was in pain because of my gallbladder, and it was removed the next day.

They Should Guard Their Mouth More Carefully

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 13, 2023

I have been working at a few different entrances at a hospital during the global health crisis, monitoring visitors and handing out masks. One day, I’m working with a security guard who is newer and seems to be one of the better ones so far. I rethink this after the following situation.

On this particular day, I’m at a part of the hospital where all the labour, delivery, postpartum, and antepartum units are. We watch a female patient wheel herself outside using a wheelchair. Once past the doors, she gets up from the chair and walks the very short distance over to the smoking area.

The security guard then starts laughing.

Security Guard: “It’s a miracle!”

I stare at her.

Security Guard: “I just watched a miracle! She can walk!”

I just shrugged my shoulders. I should have said something, but I was having a frustrating shift and didn’t feel like getting into it with anyone else.

Unless you’re the patient’s nurse or doctor, you don’t know everything that is going on. For all we know — and I think this was a very likely possibility — this patient was on bed rest but was allowed to do minimal walking and was instructed by the unit to go by wheelchair anytime she left her room.

I’m sure [Security Guard] didn’t mean to be mocking, but a little sensitivity goes a long way!

That’s Some Weird Logic You Got There, Buddy

, , , | Healthy | January 11, 2023

When I worked in Emergency Medical Services, I had a male patient who got stabbed in between his butt cheeks.

Me: “Sir, we’re going to have to take your pants off so we can bandage the wound and keep you from bleeding any further.”

Patient: *Screaming* “I don’t want no female putting anything near my behind! That’s gay!”

Me: “You don’t have a choice. Either we patch you up or we let you bleed out enough that you pass out and we do it anyway.”

What made this comical was that if he had worn his pants properly on his waist, the knife wouldn’t have been able to get so far between his cheeks and he would only have had a scratch.