(I am a registrar in an Emergency Room, which includes checking patients in and verifying their insurance. It is nearly midnight when I receive a call on the incoming ambulance phone.)

Me: Registration, this is [My Name].

Patient: Hi, [My Name]! My name is [Name] and I’ve had this weird growth on my tongue for months; I think it’s cancer or something… Anyway, I just cut it off with a razor blade and wanted to see if you accept [Insurance]?

Me: Uh, yes sir we certainly accept that insurance.

Patient: Oh great, great! Thank you, I will be in shortly! *hangs up*

Me: What just happened…?

(He shows up about twenty minutes later and checks in for chest pain and numbness, not even mentioning his tongue. While I am charting in the back, he even comes out at one point and asks me to remove his IV. Then he checked out AMA!)

(When I become pregnant with our third child, my husband and I decide to spring for the at-home blood test so we can find out the sex of the baby as soon as possible. Both the blood test and subsequent ultrasound show that we are having a boy. The rest of the pregnancy is spent preparing for our second boy: picking a name, buying cute boy clothes, etc. The day of the birth arrives — I have to have a cesarean — and we are excited and nervous to meet our son. I lay on the operating table, my heart rate accelerating with the anticipation of meeting my new baby. The wail of a newborn fills the air, and I find myself breathless for just a moment. “He’s here,” I think. But then I hear this:)

Doctor: “It’s a healthy baby girl!”

(The best part? She was born on April Fools Day. All I can say is, well played, baby girl. Well played.)

Late at night, my grandfather calls me to say my grandmother is having an “episode” and needs me. I hurry over, take one look at her, and call an ambulance; we escort her to the hospital.

My grandmother has become increasingly anxious about getting older and sicker and is visibly shaking and getting upset at the sudden onset of people around her taking blood, canulating, running ECGs, etc. The primary nurse has been professional, but far from warm or personable. My grandmother and I are nurses ourselves — well, Grandma was, years ago — so we totally understand that that happens sometimes.

My grandmother is given a cup of disgusting potassium liquid to drink, which she does quickly, but, in an effort to try and cheer herself up, she says, “Ugh! Wah wah wah! I want a lolly after that!”

The primary nurse disappears out of the room for a minute and returns… holding a rainbow lollipop, which she unwraps and presents to Grandma. She says, still in her serious voice, “That’s for being a brave girl,” and then heads out of the room again.

Grandma was so chuffed she talked about that little gesture for her remaining years.

(I’m sitting on a bench waiting for someone to come out of the clinic, watching the fountain, but it happens to be right near the turnabout for patient dropoff and pickup. The area is covered in signs — and always has been as far as I know — that say, “No parking, pickup/dropoff only.” I witness this exchange. A woman drives her car up into the no-parking area, turns it off, gets out, and starts to walk into the clinic.)

Hospital Employee: “Ma’am, this is for patient dropoff and pickup only; you cannot park here.”

Woman: “I just need to run into the pharmacy real quick. I won’t be a minute.”

Hospital Employee: “Then you need to move; there is parking nearby and this area is for patient dropoff and pickup only.”

Woman: *looks around* “I don’t see where it’s posted, ‘no parking.’”

Hospital Employee: *points to three signs, then to red-painted “NO PARKING” on the cement* “It is clearly marked in all four of these places, and on the sign as you come into this area. Please get into your car and move it.”

Woman: “I’m not moving my car. I will be back in a minute.”

Hospital Employee: *picks up a radio, speaks into it* “I need a tow vehicle at the fountain, please.”

(The woman starts screaming and yelling with a bunch of profanity and accusing the employee of trying to scam her, take her car, etc. This takes several minutes. What she doesn’t realize is that while she’s yelling at the employee, a sheriff deputy has walked up behind her and observed the situation.)

Deputy: *taps the woman on the shoulder* “Excuse me, ma’am.”

Woman: “What do you want?” *turns around and her expression changes when she sees its a deputy*

Deputy: “You have two choices: move your car, or I will issue you a ticket for parking in a no-parking zone. The fine for parking here is $85.”

Woman: “FINE! I’m never coming back into this hospital again!”

(She got into her car and drove off. A few minutes later, I saw her walking from the parking garage into the hospital, and then a few more minutes later, back out with a bag from the pharmacy and some type of frozen drink.)

(I’ve just started working at a psychiatric hospital. I’ve met ten out of eleven patients so far. This is how I meet the eleventh…)

Patient: You’re short, aren’t you!

(I’m a 5’6″ man…)