Last year, I was woken up by a telemarketer working for my cell phone provider, informing me that I’d have to update my data plan from 4G to 5G, increasing the cost of my plan by ‘only 10%’ for a year, and after that, it would be 50% more than my 4G plan.

Me: “I am not interested, period.”

Telemarketer: “But it’s up to 200Mbps!”

Me: “I don’t care, I don’t need that kind of speed on my phone, I am not going to switch to 5G no matter what.”

Telemarketer: “Why not?”

Me: “None of your business.” *Click.*

Immediately after the call, I realized she had said that I ‘have to’ switch to 5G, implying 4G was going to be discontinued, yet when I refused, she instead kept telling me that 5G is so much better.

That made me angry, as these sorts of deceptive tactics might actually work on the elderly, the tech-illiterate, and worst of all, on people with certain disabilities. Just as I was gathering steam, I received a text in which my cell provider asked me to rate the call. 

I told them exactly what I thought of the telemarketer’s predatory tactics, then to make sure they got my message, I emailed their customer service, and contacted their customer service through their live chat.

Later that day, I received an email from the company (not customer service) informing me that they had listened to the recording, apologizing for the telemarketer’s actions.

My 4G’s price went up a little bit sometime later, but nowhere near as much as the one-year offer on the 5G was. I don’t know if the telemarketer was supposed to say that I SHOULD switch because my plan’s price was going to rise anyway and for ‘a little bit more’ I could multiply the speed, only for the telemarketer to go off-script and unintentionally lie to me (she most definitely DID say “I have to”/”I must” switch, there is no other way to interpret the words she used), but in order to err on the side of caution I have to assume it was deliberate.

When this happened, I was living with my mother, part convenience, part being there for her after my father died unexpectedly.

Due to this, my name wasn’t on the rental agreement, the electricity bill, phone bill, etc., you get the point. I was pitching in, but basically she paid for things.

So whenever somebody called and asked for a Mr. [My Name], we were both cautious, because I don’t have any contracts, so it is more likely that somebody was working off outdated information.

I was working at home that day, and she was out shopping for groceries when the phone rang.

Me: “[My Name], hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello, my name is [didn’t bother memorizing it], I want to speak to Mr. [My Name]?”

This is not a typo; she actually said it like a question, basically asking me if she wanted to speak to me.

Me: *Being a smart a**.* “I don’t know, do you want to speak to me?”

Telemarketer: *A combination of not really listening and/or blindly following her script.* “I am calling about the contract you have with [our local energy provider]. We want to talk to you about it.”

Me: “Well, which Mr. [My Name] do you think you’re talking to right now?”

Telemarketer: “I want to talk to Mr. [My Full Name].”

Me: “That’s me, why do you think I have a contract with our local provider?”

Telemarketer: “Well, you do use electricity and water, don’t you?”

Me: “You haven’t answered my question; why do you think I have a contract with them?”

Telemarketer: *Getting confused.* “You need to check your documents, you are using electricity and water.”

Me: “Why do you think I have a contract?”

I’m getting a bit short with her, at the same time getting amused since I clearly broke her script.

Telemarketer: “If you do not answer me, I cannot continue this conversation.”

I wished I had thought to tell her that I didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place, but that’s hindsight for you.

Me: “Okay, bye then.”

Telemarketer: “Check your documents. Bye.” *Click.*

Scathing burn, I know.

So, win for me since she hung up first. A few days later, I came across a news article about scammers trying to get you into a new, basically legit, but more expensive contract with a different provider, so I guess that was the reason for that call.

I guess they marked me down for being difficult, since I haven’t had any calls like that again after that.

I own and operate an automotive-related business in a small city, about fifteen minutes away from a very large city. In my field, there are a TON of competitors with legitimate businesses, and even more “under-the-table” weekenders offering similar services. As such, those of us who are legitimate need to work twice as hard to market our businesses to the public.

I personally have spent hundreds of hours and dollars optimizing my website and social media pages to be easily searchable, and I come up high on a Google search — WITHOUT running ads (a feat I am incredibly proud of). For reference, I outrank another local shop that pays $1,400 a month for Google ads and SEO (search engine optimisation), as well as professional website management. The owner is a friend of mine, and we’ve discussed at length how I managed to get ahead of him organically; that’s the only reason I know his marketing budget.

One day, I get a phone call from a local number. Not at all unusual, until I answer and struggle to understand the individual on the other end due to a thick accent and the loud sounds of an obvious call center, with dozens of people all yelling into their phones.

Caller: “Hello, sir, I am Mark John from SEO Optimum Canada. Is the manager or owner available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Caller: “Okay, sir, thank you so much. I have searched your business, and did you know that you are ranking on page three on The Google? My company has service to put you on page one of The Google, including website optimization and SEO services. We have a special price right now for our services. Can you tell me your email to send the informations to you?”

Me: “Sorry, you said I’m on page three? What exactly did you search?”

Caller: “Sir, yes, you are on page three of The Google. Your business is not being seen by people searching for the services in your local area because your website is not ranking good and is not set up good.”

Me: “What did you search to find me?”

Caller: “I searched [automotive business specialty] in [City #1].”

Me: “Oh, wow! And I was on page three? That’s pretty good!”

Caller: “No, sir, that is not good; it is very bad.”

Me: “I’m in [City #2]. That’s twelve hours away from [City #1]. Page three is impressive.”

Caller: “…What? Oh, I’m sorry. I had the wrong data pulled up. Let me just refresh my search to [City #2].”

Me: “And when I come up as number one on Google, will you remove my number from your list?”

Caller: “Sir, I can assure you that you are not number one. It is a very hard thing to get t—”

The caller falls silent.

Me: “Number one?”

Caller: “Number one. So sorry to bother you, sir. Have a good day.”

This occurred quite some time ago, long before it was possible to easily screen calls coming to one’s landline, let alone to a not-yet-available cell phone.

Our area had a couple of major daily newspapers, along with a few highly local papers; it wasn’t unusual for a household to subscribe to both a major and a local paper. We subscribed to just the largest major daily.

Caller: “Hello, I’m calling to tell you about the many advantages of subscribing to [Local Newspaper we do not receive].”

The caller lists the local paper’s coverage.

Caller: “Would you be interested in subscribing?”

Me: “It sounds very interesting, but I’m illiterate.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Um, er, well, I hope you have a good day!” *Hangs up rapidly*

That’s still the most effective sales-call-ender I’ve ever used!

It’s 2022. I have moved into my parents’ home as my mom has been diagnosed with cancer and needs so much help. I’m on the phone for her constantly, setting up appointments, transfusions, infusions, surgeries, etc., so while I normally don’t answer numbers I don’t know, I’m now in a spot where someone important could be calling me back.

One afternoon, I see a number I don’t know pop up, and I go ahead and answer it as I’m waiting on return calls from a couple of offices.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Good afternoon. I’m calling from the state police, and our police could really use your support right now. We’d like to put you down for a $50 tax-deductible donation. How does that sound?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have the money to donate right now.”

Caller: *Already getting an attitude* “Well, how about $25?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are trying to figure out how to afford the chemotherapy my mom needs since the insurance company won’t cover it, so we don’t have any extra money right now.”

Caller: *Now flat-out nasty and rude* “Well, Jesus! How about $20?!”

Me: “Excuse you? I just explained that we can’t afford chemo, and you think I’m donating money to the state police? What the h*** is wrong with you?”

Caller: “I hope you don’t need the cops to help with a d*** thing!” *Hangs up*