Very A-Mew-sing

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(One day I get a call from a telemarketer. I’m alone in the house, aside from the family pets.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, I am calling from [Company] about [something we don’t need]. I need to speak with Timothy.”

Me: “Um, well, there is a Timothy here, but I’m pretty sure he’s not the one you want to talk to.”

Telemarketer: “If Timothy is there, put him on the line! This is extremely important!”

Me: “All right. If you say so.” *holding the phone towards Timothy* “Timothy, you have a phone call.”

Timothy: “Meow!”

(My dad and my cat are both named Timothy.)

Loaning Your Services

, , , , , | Working | January 9, 2018

(We have been receiving calls from a scammer once a week discussing nonexistent student loans and asking for banking information. Finally, I have had enough. The phone rings from the same call center.)

Me: “Hello.”

(Pause.)

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “That’s what I just said.”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “I think we have already covered this part of the conversation. May we move on, or shall we greet one another once more?”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to you about refinancing your student loans.”

Me: “Okay. Have fun with that, but I’m just going to set the receiver down and go start dinner, because I am 38 and paid off all my student loans years ago.”

(I set down the phone and I could hear talking for a full two minutes before the scammer realized I wasn’t there and hung up. So, I redialled the number and said we got disconnected. I did the same thing again. And again. Until supper was ready. One scammer kept off the phone for over an hour. You’re welcome, society!)

You Have Been Rejected For This Scam

, , , , | Working | January 8, 2018

(I work from home, so I used to get a lot of scammers and telemarketers on the land line. Ever since the land line phone was canceled, I’ve missed them. Every once in a while, I’ll get them on my cell phone, but the industry seems more disjointed and glitchy than ever. One afternoon, I get a call…)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *obviously a recording* “Hello! You’ve been pre-approved for a small business loan! Press ‘one’ now to speak with a small business specialist.”

(I press one. The recording surprisingly continues, twice more requesting that I press “one,” so I do so in an attempt to mess with a scammer. Then, the call disconnects after once again stating options for touch tones.)

Me: “I guess they come self-rejecting now.”

Hello, Is This Surreality?

, , , | Working | December 14, 2017

(I’m a telemarketer and whenever I have a bad day I call this one number who always makes my day. The lady on the other end always seemed to get a kick out of getting telemarketers like me. Here are just some of my favorites:)

First Time:

Me: “Hello, is this [First name, Last Name]?”

Lady: “No, it’s the f****** Easter bunny and I’m on vacation. Go bother Santa.” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is Warehouse of F***s. I’m sorry to say we have none to give right now. I would say try back later but our f***s just run out so darn fast, we almost never have any. Have a nice day! Bye!” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, you have reached Mistress Iron Maiden, I can’t come to the phone right now, but feel free to give me your name, number, and how you want me to emasculate you at the beep and I’ll get right back to you. Beep!” *click*

Favorite of all Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is the Fairy Tail Bakery. I’m sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. We are either on the other line taking another order, closed, or the raccoons have burrowed through our walls again and we’ve all run for our lives because those raccoons are twice the size of a very large fat cat.” *click*

Me: “Oh, I need more than that.” *calls back*

Lady: “IT WAS THE RACCOONS!” *screams in terror, the phone sounds like it’s been dropped and then sounds of some sort of animal screeching in the distance* “COME AT ME, MOTHER-F*****S! THESE ARE MY CUPCAKES!” *click*

It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

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