The Wrongest Number Got You

, , , , | Right | December 13, 2019

(I spend several years taking in-bound calls for infomercials. Every day is an adventure. We have a lot of people who write an infomercial phone number down at two in the morning and the next day can’t remember what the product was.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “What the… Who the h*** is this?”

Me: “This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Uh, what number did I call…?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure. There are several thousand possibilities of products that lead to my phone; were you watching something on TV?”

Caller: “Well, yeah, but isn’t this where the ‘me so horny’ girls call you back?”

Me: “Uh… No! We take orders off of infomercials you see on TV. You must have written it down wrong.”

Caller: “F***! That just ruined my whole morning.” *click*

At This (Interest) Rate They’ll Stop Calling You

, , , | Working | December 5, 2019

(I’m very careful with my money and budget, and I pay off my credit card every month. I also shop for and get low interest rates. One day, I get a marketing call.)

Caller: “Hello! I can save you money! I see you have a car loan. I can offer a refinance for only [percentage].”

Me: “That’s nice. I am actually paying 4% less than that. Can you beat that?”

Caller: *slightly deflated* “No, ma’am, but I can offer you a credit card for only [percentage]!”

Me: “Thanks, but I already have one for 3% less. Can you beat that?”

Caller: *even more deflated* “No, ma’am. What’s your home loan rate?”

Me: “It’s [percentage]. Can you beat that?”

Caller: *totally depressed* “No, ma’am.” *long pause* “Have a nice day.”

Me: “Goodbye!”

(That felt so good!)

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Homeowners Gotta Start Younger Every Year

, , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2019

My youngest sister is ten years younger than me, and even though we have her phone number — and ours, too, for that matter, not that it works — on the do-not-call registry, we still have cases of spam and telemarketers trying to call her. Usually, if we see it is an unsaved number, one of us — me, our other sister who is only two years younger than me, or our mom — grabs it and if it does turn out to be telemarketing, tells them off.

At this time, the sister in question is twelve years old and has a friend over. Both have their phones in the living room and are playing in her room.

I hear buzzing and try to figure out which phone before I call the wrong kid, find it’s my sister’s, and call her, but I decide to answer her phone regardless to tell them she’s coming because it had been going off for a while before I found it. I see the number on the screen is unknown, unsaved, and answered.

“Hello?”

A male voice says, “Hello?”

I ask, “Who is this?”

He then says his name and starts saying something about being with a group that is supposed to help homeowners; he is kind of hard to understand. But I do hear “homeowner” and cut him off as my sister and her friend get to the living room. I am stern, but I try not to be an a**hole because I work in retail and know how it can be, even if these guys do usually have it coming.

“This is my twelve-year-old sister’s phone. Put this number on your do-not-call list.”

There is kind of a long pause and I expect him to just hang up like they usually do when pausing this long after hearing that. But then he asks, “All right. Is there a homeowner available, then?”

I’m still being firm because I want to get him off the phone. “No, there isn’t.”

He was already getting a tone the last time he spoke, but now he goes into full-blown attitude and sarcasm. “Ohhh, so a twelve-year-old girl lives by herself, then?”

I am completely caught off guard and now I’m pissed and put more of a tone in my voice. “I never said she lives in her own. I said that the homeowner is not available!”  

He then hangs up.

But seriously, how does it click in someone’s mind that when I say a homeowner is not available that I am automatically trying to tell them a twelve-year-old kid lives by themselves and therefore I am lying to them? Excuse me? Obviously, either the parent is not around, or we rent and the landlord, ergo homeowner, is not around. Seriously.

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Magazines Are Dying

, , , , | Legal | July 21, 2019

(My uncle passed away six months ago and my aunt is not comfortable telling strangers that she lives alone. The phone rings.)

Aunt: “Hello?

Caller: “Is [Late Husband] available?”

Aunt: “No, he’s not.”

Caller: “I’m calling on behalf of [Organization her husband was a member of] about renewing your subscription to our magazine.”

Aunt: “No, thank you. We won’t be renewing it.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Aunt: “Absolutely.”

Caller: “Well, I talked to [Uncle] a couple of weeks ago, and he told me he was renewing!”

Aunt: “You talked to him a couple of weeks ago? Are you sure?”

Caller: “Oh, yes, and he told me he was renewing!”

Aunt: “Well, when you talk to him again, can you have him call me? He died six months ago, and I sure do miss him!”

Caller: *click*

(She never heard from them again, and they quit getting the magazine.)

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Taking A Hard(wood) Stand Against Telemarketing

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2019

(My sister-in-law started this, and it was so much fun that I actually delayed putting my phone number on the “Do Not Call List.”)

Any Telemarketer: “Hello! I would like to talk to you about—“ *begins sales pitch*

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

Any Telemarketer: “But this isn’t about hardwood floors.”

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

Any Telemarketer: “But this isn’t about…”

Me: “But we have hardwood floors.”

(Lather, rinse, repeat, until they hang up.)

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