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What If I Don’t Have A Beard?

, , , | Working | January 18, 2022

One day, someone called me and started a spiel about some beard-related stuff they wanted to sell over the phone. In Denmark, only four things are allowed to be sold over the phone: newspaper and magazine subscriptions, books, insurance, and subscriptions to health-related transports. This one was none of those things.

Me: “I’m not interested.”

Caller: “But how can you know when I haven’t fully explained our products?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I think we have a bad connection. All I’m hearing is stupid.”

I then hung up. I never heard from them again.

That’ll Take The Wind Out Of Your Sales

, , , , | Working | January 10, 2022

In the past few months, the real estate market has been crazy in my area. People being out of work and low-interest rates have brought around real estate investors looking to buy houses on the cheap and then rent them out.

My husband and I decided to take advantage of the lower rates and scored a sweet refinance deal. The following day, I get this call.

Caller: “Good afternoon, Ms. [My Name]. I’m [Caller] from [Company]. We’re looking to buy investment properties in your area and we’d really like to help you out. I understand you still owe [amount] on your home?”

Me: “Not anymore. We just refinanced.” 

Caller: “Oh… um… Was it for more than [amount]?” 

Me: “Oh, yeah. Looking forward to upgrading the place.” 

Caller: “Well… Um…” *Audibly shuffles papers around* “Was it more than six months ago?” 

Me: *Laughing* “We closed on it yesterday.” 

Caller: “Oh…” *Long pause* “I… um… don’t think we can help you, then.” 

Me: “Didn’t ask for your help.” 

The guy didn’t even say anything; he just sighed and hung up the phone.

All I Want For Christmas Is For You To Go Away

, , , , , | Working | December 23, 2021

It’s November and I am at a neighbor’s house, babysitting their three-year-old and four-month-old. I’m about fifteen when this occurs.

The toddler and I have just finished decorating a play Christmas tree his parents got him, and I ask him to pick out his PJs while I get the baby a bottle. 

My phone rings, and I don’t recognize the number, but their mother just got a new phone, so I answer. 

Telemarketer: “Hello! Have you heard about the new laws affecting Medicare? We can help—”

Me: “Sorry, I’m not eligible or interested. Please take me off your list.”

Telemarketer: “I promise, we can save you money!”

Me: “Sir, I’m like, fifty years away from being eligible. Please take me off your list. Thank you.”

I hang up the phone and start feeding the baby. The phone rings again, and for some reason, I answer again, putting it on speaker as my hands are full with the baby and the bottle. It’s the same telemarketer.

Telemarketer: “It seems we got disconnected! I was telling you about the—”

Me: “Sir, I told you, I’m not interested! Please remove my number! And if you could, please hang up!”

Telemarketer: “I cannot hang up on a customer, but I can help you save money!”

I hang up and once again, he calls back. I’m still not sure why I answer again, other than being fifteen and dumb.

Telemarketer: “I must have a bad connection today! We got disconnected.”

Me: “Hey, [Toddler], come here.”

Toddler: “Yes?”

I hand him the phone.

Me: “It’s Santa. He wants to know what you want for Christmas.”

I was able to get the baby fed, burped, bathed, changed, and in bed and draw a bath for [Toddler] before he finished his list.

Surprisingly, the telemarketer didn’t call back after that.

If You Insist On Mister, You Just Missed Her

, , | Right | November 12, 2021

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak to Mister [My Name]?”

Me: “I am Miss [My Name]?”

Telemarketer: “Can I talk to Mister [My Name]? It’s about [My Old Business].”

Me: “There is no Mister [My Name].”

Telemarketer: “Oh.” *Click*

When The World Goes Paper-Free, They’ll Find New Ways To Scam You

, , , , | Working | September 27, 2021

I’m a contractor running a one-man company. I use a second phone line for my business and, despite being careful who I hand it out to, scammers and cold callers still manage to get hold of it.

Me: “Hello, [Business].”

Caller: “I need to speak to whoever manages your company’s printers.”

Me: “Oh, we don’t have anyone like that. You see—”

Caller: *Interrupting me* “Fine, just put me through to whoever orders your stationary.”

Me: “That would be me, but I don’t have any—”

Caller: *Interrupting me again* “Okay, so I need you to tell me what printers you have.”

Me: *Fed up* “You haven’t told me who you are or what company you are calling from.”

Caller: “Look, I am trying to save your company money on printing. Do you want your boss to find out that you are wasting company money? Because I could ring and tell him that.”

Me: “Listen, d**khead, I am the boss, and if you listened for more than five seconds, I would tell you we don’t own a printer. Our yearly printing expenses are zero. You got that?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “That’s the most sense you’ve made all call.”

I hung up and made a note of the number in case he should ring again, but I must have made myself clear, as he never did.