Burping Gets You Some Hangups

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 17, 2018

(Due to being a small business owner, I get all types of spam calls, but due to the clientele and our cloud-based services, I can’t afford to not answer the phone, as it may be a client’s phone number I’m just not familiar with. A particularly dense and determined telemarketer calls me repeatedly from one of those “unknown ID” lines that are impossible to trace. I am getting fed up with them, and so is my girlfriend. She decides to answer the call since my attempts thus far to get them to stop have been unsuccessful:)

Girlfriend: *sultry voice* “Are you ready for something hot and satisfying?”

Telemarketer: “…huh?”

(My girlfriend lets out a low and guttural belch into the phone and hangs up.)

Me: “You are disgusting.”

Girlfriend: “But effective!”

(She was right; they didn’t call back!)

Shaved You From That Dilemma

, , , | Working | July 7, 2018

(I get a call from a telemarketer that sells monthly subscription to packages of razor blades and socks. These types of telemarketers represent borderline scam companies, because although the subscription can be terminated any time, the company is based abroad and doesn’t have a working phone number or email address. Other types of scams happen to like faking audio receipts. The person is being very pesky, as I’ve told him many times I don’t want his product. For some reason, I find it hard to just hang up the phone and he is constantly interrupting me.)

Telemarketer: “Ew, gross! Don’t you ever shave your legs or change socks? Hairy girls are so unsexy!”

(After that I didn’t find it hard at all to hang up the phone.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 32

, , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(Our business has a name that can easily be interpreted as having a single person in charge, even though it specifies that we are, in fact, a company. We do get a lot of telemarketers calling and asking for Mr. [Company]. That person doesn’t exist anymore; the company was founded in the 1920s. Most recover and then ask for the name of the person in charge. This call goes a little differently.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. [Company], please?”

Me: “We don’t have a person like this here; our company only has that name.”

Telemarketer: *trying to be funny* “Sounds like that happens to you a lot, then.”

Me: “It’s usually only people working down a list, with no idea who they actually want to talk to.”

Telemarketer: “And you think that I am one of them?”

Me: “Well, yes. I do.”

Telemarketer: “Do you want to know what I think of you?”

Me: “No, not interested.”

Telemarketer: “I am going to tell you, anyway. I think you are full of prejudice, and that’s no way to treat somebody you know nothing about.”

Me: *not really caring what a stranger thinks about me* “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “Good bye, then.” *hangs up*

Me: *starts laughing, having to explain what happened to my coworkers*

(Guess that counts as a win for me, since he hung up first. He probably would’ve gotten further if he hadn’t tried to be funny and just asked who was the correct person to speak to.)

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 31
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29

Own Up To Their Mistake

, , , | Working | March 10, 2018

(I work at a library that also has a museum. We are publicly funded and affiliated with a university. Telemarketers still sometimes call, and it can be pretty funny.)

Me: “Hello, [Library and Museum]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “May I speak to the owner, please? I have a great deal for them.”

Me: *thinking she means one of the curators, and wants to donate something* “Can I have the name of who you’d like to speak to?”

Caller: “No. I just need to speak with the owner.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a public library and museum. There are about four different people you could be referring to. Could I get a name?”

Caller: “No! The owner! I need to speak with the owner!”

Me: *realizing she’s a telemarketer* “Our library is a public institution. We are also affiliated with [Local University]. We don’t have an owner like a traditional business. Is there something else I could help you with?”

Caller: “But… the owner?” *hangs up*

(I felt bad that she was so confused, but our name alone should have been enough for her to know we weren’t buying. I also should have realized she was a telemarketer earlier, but patrons do genuinely say things like that when they want to make a donation.)

Very A-Mew-sing

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(One day I get a call from a telemarketer. I’m alone in the house, aside from the family pets.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, I am calling from [Company] about [something we don’t need]. I need to speak with Timothy.”

Me: “Um, well, there is a Timothy here, but I’m pretty sure he’s not the one you want to talk to.”

Telemarketer: “If Timothy is there, put him on the line! This is extremely important!”

Me: “All right. If you say so.” *holding the phone towards Timothy* “Timothy, you have a phone call.”

Timothy: “Meow!”

(My dad and my cat are both named Timothy.)

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