Spend €8 For A Priceless Moment

, , , , , | | Friendly | May 15, 2019

(I have a friend who loves designer handbags. Still, she would never buy such frivolous nonsense for herself, as she expects to be given expensive things by men. She once joined my husband and me on a holiday, which she mostly spent window shopping at every bag shop she encountered, wasting a lot of precious sightseeing time educating us on all her material wishes. A year after the catastrophic trip, my husband and I are abroad again. One day, he brings back a cheap, used counterfeit handbag from a flea market, proud to be the first man to ever buy my friend a bag of her favourite brand. We decide to have some fun, so I message her.)

Me: “[Husband] has bought a handbag for another woman today! Should I be worried?”

Friend: “Which handbag?”

Me: “Who cares?! Tell me your opinion; do you think it’s troublesome that he buys stuff for someone else than me?”

Friend: “Depends on the handbag.”

Me: “It is brown and quite ugly, and it smells strange. So, tell me, what is that bag saying about the state of our marriage?”

Friend: “Send a photo; I cannot judge the situation without seeing it first.”

(We pose for a selfie: my husband grinning and slapping his forehead, me with an overly dramatic, panicked expression.)

Friend: “Not of you! I need to see the handbag!”

(I send a badly-lit photo of the handbag in its plastic bag.)

Friend: “Take it out! It could be a [Brand Bag]!”

(I write a price tag, formerly 1600 Euro, now only 799, and place it on the unobscured handbag.)

Me: “Happy? Can we discuss the actual matter now?”

Friend: “It’s a [Brand Bag]! It’s the [Model]! Steal it from him!”

Me: “Really?”

Friend: “It’s sooo beautiful! He should have consulted me, though; usually it’s just 550 Euro.”

Me: “He must have thought that the woman is worth more.”

Friend: “She is really lucky! You should take it from him; then he can’t give it to her!”

Me: “What if [Husband] just buys another one? It wouldn’t solve any of my problems! Besides, it’s ugly and I don’t need a bag.”

Friend: “How can you say that?! I have always wanted this exact bag! It deserves to be loved and worshipped!”

Me: “So, do you want to know anything about the woman? I’m still waiting for your advice!”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me: “She has a strange desire for expensive things and can sometimes be incredibly slow. Who does this sound like?”

Friend: “Forget the other woman. You have to steal the bag from him immediately! And then you give it to me!”

Me: “How am I supposed to do that?”

Friend: “You wait until he is asleep, and then hide the bag. I’m going to meet you at the airport and make it disappear. What is he doing right now?”

Me: “He has been shaking his head since we started texting, and just muttered something about live reality TV and an exceptionally stupid person. Any ideas what that could mean?”

Friend: “See, he doesn’t even care about how you feel right now! Another sign that the bag should be mine!”

(The next morning:)

Me: “So, have you figured out who the materialistic woman the handbag is for could be?”

Friend: “No, but you are going to steal it for me today!”

(A couple of days later, we are back home and I meet my friend.)

Me: *handing her the wrapped bag* “Here, I stole the ugly thing for you.”

Friend: “Wow, really? I didn’t think you would actually dare to do that! Wonderful! Did [Husband] notice?”

Me: “Sure.”

Friend: “What did he say?!”

Me: “After he bought it, ‘I have got the perfect gift for [Friend]!’, and this morning, ‘How can [Friend] be so ignorant?’.”

Friend: “It was for me?! I’m so happy– Hey, wait, no! This bag is fake!”

(I’m not sure if that or the whole prank bothered her more. To this day, she has been waiting for a millionaire to magically appear and reward her with a luxurious life. My husband still refers to the incident as the best 8 Euro ever spent on entertainment. I now know who to never consult when I have relationship problems.)

An Incredible Story About Stories

, , , , , | | Legal | May 11, 2019

A few years ago, I came home from a New Year’s party, walked past my car and suddenly stopped. I did not have a convertible, but the roof looked quite, well, missing. It turns out that a huge slab of ice detached from the roof of the house I was parked under and hit my car squarely on the roof so it was lying basically flush on the back seats, essentially totaling it since it was about 20 years old and barely able to pass inspection anymore. The total worth of the car was, maybe, if I was lucky, 100 bucks. More likely, the worth was negative because it costs to take it to the dump.

I took pictures, got the police to record everything, and handed my claim for the replacement of the car to the owner of the apartment building. To my surprise, he refused to pay. I handed the whole mess to my lawyer, he said we’d win this, and off he went.

Come September, my lawyer called. We’d won, and got me 800 bucks for my car — worth, again, maybe 10). But, in his words, “those insane idiots” could not have done it worse. In the lawsuit, of course, the question arose about how could that ice slab even happen? After all, if there had a person in my car, an ice slab caving in a car roof could easily have killed them.

Turns out, the apartment building didn’t have certain gadgets on the roof that are mandatory for buildings taller than four stories to prevent such things from happening. Why didn’t it have those gadgets?

Because, according to what the town — and hence building inspectors — knew, the apartment was only two stories tall.

So, not only was the company owning it in violation of the building code — by itself something that is very expensive if you get found out — our tax guys were very interested in them suddenly having way more apartments to let than he “officially” had.

In the words of my lawyer, “Seriously, if I pulled that stunt, I’d hand you ten grand for your 20-year-old wreck of a car and tell you to shut the eff up about it.”

Yesterday, All My Salads Seemed So Far Away

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2019

(I’m a customer in this story, shopping at a grocery store that has a separate food stand at the entrance with fresh and healthy food. In front of me in the line is a middle-aged woman, already looking displeased with something.)

Customer: *to cashier* “Is this salad fresh?”

Cashier: “Yes, it was prepared this morning.”

(It is about 7:30 am.)

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Cashier: “Certainly.”

Customer: “So, you prepared the food yourself?”

Cashier: “No, I didn’t. I only sell it.”

Customer: “But how can you be sure, then?”

Cashier: “It’s how it’s always done; every food item here is prepared freshly in the morning.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me!”

(The cashier is already visibly upset because she can’t think of anything more to say to convince the customer. Already late to work because the customer delayed everything, I decide to step in.)

Me: *to customer* “Excuse me, but what exactly do you want to hear from her if you accuse her of lying?”

Customer: “Well, the truth of course — that the salad is from yesterday.”

Me: “Would you buy it if it was from yesterday?”

Customer: “Well, of course not!”

Me: “So, you mean to tell me that if the cashier tells you the salad is fresh, you don’t believe it. If she told you otherwise, though, you wouldn’t buy it. Apparently, there is no outcome that would lead you to purchase anything here, so you might as well get lost and make way for customers who actually intend to buy something.”

Customer: *stares, completely baffled* “SOME PEOPLE… HOW DARE YOU!” *storms off angrily*

Cashier: *who has been watching my speech silently* “THANK YOU! I didn’t know what to tell her without getting rude and risking my job.”

Me: “I know. I’ve worked in retail, as well. That’s why I had to say something!”

Through An Immature Lens

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2019

(I am attending a course about glasses and how to order them according to the customers’ needs. Our teacher is talking about common mistakes done while ordering them and comes to the section about the distances seen by wrongfully-ordered glasses —  what you “can” see and you “won’t” see clearly.)

Teacher: *mentioning this and that mistake* “…which leads to the person missing out on about five inches of distance, where he won’t see things clearly.”

(For a moment, one of my female colleagues looks at him in confusion.)

Female Colleague: “Do you even feel five inches?”

(The world turned white as I threw my head back and let out a childish, uncontrollable, howling laughter, which led to tears in my eyes. My colleagues looked at me in confusion, and one after another slowly realised what she had just said.)

Informative About The Current State Of Humanity

, , , , | Romantic | January 2, 2019

(I am on a bus when I overhear these bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Apparently the man has bought a children’s ticket — don’t know what for — for himself and is now angry that he’ll have to pay a fine. Apparently it’s really unclear that a man in his 30s probably doesn’t qualify for a children’s ticket. And then he says this gem:)

Man: “It’s not my fault I don’t inform myself!”

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