My family is on a long car ride when my husband’s phone rings and he answers it. After a few minutes of conversation, he tells the man to hold on, places the phone face down on his seat, and returns to his earlier conversation from before the call. Everyone in the family knows by now that this means he believes the person on the phone is a scammer, and he plans to intentionally waste their time, so we don’t think anything about it.

A little while later…

Husband: “Wait, do you hear that?”

Me: “It’s the person on the phone.”

Husband: “He hasn’t hung up yet?! Man, if I wasn’t driving, I’d start messing with anyone that persistent.”

Me: “Allow me.”

He hands me the phone. I listen in for a while until the man sounds like he is about ready to hang up before I speak up.

Me: “Hello! Anyone there?”

Scammer: “Umm, yes, hello. Is this [Husband]?”

Me: “That’s my husband.”

Scammer: “Oh, well, I was calling from the IRS about some back taxes he owes. He was going to go get his Social Security number for me. I don’t suppose you know it?”

Me: “Oh, did my husband leave you waiting all this time?”

Scammer: “Yes, it was a bit of a wait. We’re very busy this time of the year, so I’d like to verify that information so I can help sort this out quickly before it’s too late.”

Me: “I’m sorry about my husband. You see, English isn’t his first language, and he sometimes has trouble understanding people on the phone.”

Scammer: “Oh, that’s fine. I understand. I just needed to get—”

Me: “Yeah, honestly, my husband, he… Well, he’s not that bright. He always tends to forget what he is doing and zone out, staring at nothing. He’s a bit special, really. Not sure why I married the oaf.”

My husband has ADD, so he actually does have a slight tendency to forget what he is doing and stare off in the distance when hyperfocused. It’s not a big problem, but the family isn’t above some good-natured jokes at his expense for this. My kids are snickering at the description of their father, and my husband is just grinning.

Scammer: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But I was trying to get his Social Security number so I could help sort out these back taxes. Would you happen to know it?”

Me: “Oh, you want his number?”

Scammer: “Yes please.”

Me: “It’s [phone number he just called].”

Scammer: “That sounds like a phone number. I was actually looking for his Social Security number. It’s a nine-digit number, maybe broken up into three smaller numbers split by dashes.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m not good with numbers. Give me a second here.”

I take a second to think up a proper bogus number — and just to stall the guy a bit more. I make sure to sound very confused but sincere when I go back to the phone.

Me: “Umm, I don’t know, but is it 666-42-1337?

I figure he will pick up on at least one of those numbers being clearly bogus, but the man seems to be satisfied with it at first. I assume he runs it through something that spits back that it is invalid because, eventually, he comes back.

Scammer: “I don’t think that is right, ma’am. Could you double-check that number, please?”

Me: “Oh, these numbers are too confusing. Let me get someone who can help me.”

I mute him.

Me: “How often do you think we could pass him back and forth between the two of us before he realizes he’s not making any progress?

Son: “Oh, no, wait! I want to try! Can I talk to him next?”

Me: “Sure, why not? But I’d make him wait a bit longer before picking up. The more of his time we waste, the less time he can dedicate to scamming decent folks.”

I pass the phone back to my son, who unmutes it after waiting a minute or two. There is some dead time after he says each line where the scammer is presumably responding.

I should mention that my son is in middle school and has had two years of Spanish class, which is a far cry from being an expert in Spanish.

Son: “Hola. Mi nombre es Pedro. ¿Cómo estás? ¿hHablas español?” (Hello. My name is Pedro. How are you? Do you speak Spanish?)

Son: “¿Mi madre dice tu necesito un número?” (My mom says you need a number.)

Son: “No sé.” (I don’t know.)

Son: “Me duele mi cabeza. ¿Dónde está el baño? Tengo un gato en mi sombrero.” (My head hurts. Where is the bathroom? I have a cat in my hat.)

Apparently, my son is at the limit of his ability to say things that sound vaguely Spanish.

Son: “Si. Un momento.”

He mutes the phone.

Son: “Yeah, that’s all the Spanish I know. Mom, do you want him back?”

I take the phone back.

Me: “Great! Did you get everything you needed, then?”

Scammer: “I’m sorry, but whoever I was speaking to only knew Spanish.”

Me: “Oh, you can’t speak Spanish? You should have told me.”

Scammer: “Look, ma’am, all I need is your husband’s Social Security number, or yours if you don’t know his.”

Me: “Oh, no, I don’t have a Social.”

Scammer: “Every US citizen should have one.”

Me: “Well, yes, but you see, about that… It’s just that, umm… Wait. You don’t work for the FBI, do you?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, if you are not taking this seriously, I’ll hang up and let you deal with thousands of dollars in back taxes you owe on your own. Now, for the last time, all I need is a Social Security number for one of the residents in your household.”

Me: “Oh, no, no! Please don’t do that! I’m sorry. Look, I’ll go get it right now. Just one second, please!”

I mute him again.

Me: “I think he is finally on to us. Don’t think he’s going to last much longer.”

Daughter: “No, wait! I haven’t gotten my turn with him yet! Here, let me have some fun before he goes!”

I hand the phone back to my daughter. She has always been told she sounds young for her age. She plays this aspect up to the point that she sounds like a little kid.

Daughter: “Hello, how are you?”

Daughter: “I found the phone. Want to talk about My Little Pony?!”

Daughter: “Oh, no, my father’s not here. He got put in jail for bad driving and punching the police. Mama says it’s because he’s always thirsty, but I don’t know why that would make him want to punch someone.” 

Daughter: “No, they took me away from my mama because she kept bringing men that paid to be her boyfriends back to our house and making so much noise with them that I couldn’t sleep. Now I have to stay with some people until my mama learns to love me right.”

Daughter: “Oh, sure, I can get him!”

My daughter now holds the phone up to my nephew, who we are currently babysitting. He is a year old.

Daughter: “Say hi, [Nephew]!”

Nephew: “Hi! Hi! [Excited babbling]!”

At some point, the scammer gave up on us before we got the phone back from my nephew.

Honestly, I’m surprised he lasted that long. It’s so nice to bond with your family over small things, like trolling scammers.

When I was younger, I knew a boy who was the perfect example of that friend everyone considered a bad influence. He drank at a young age, got in trouble in school, and had a few minor brushes with the law — the sort of things you can kind of get away with when still young enough for police to drag you back to your parents for a stern scolding but would result in a fine or a jail time if done when older.

None of my family liked him, my father being the most vocal of them. He made it no secret that he wished I’d end that particular friendship — though, to his credit, as vocal as he was about disapproving, he respected my decisions enough that he never tried to force me to end our friendship.

I admit that [Friend] managed to drag me into a few minor forms of teenage rebellion — things my father might not have approved of but were relatively benign — but I had the good sense to say no to any of the more dangerous things.

Eventually, [Friend] pushed his boundaries too far and faced two, somewhat related, major problems in a row as a result, which seemed to scare him into straightening up. I did my best to support him through it all when he didn’t have anyone else to support him.

Around the time when I graduated from high school, I distinctly remember my father telling me that he had been wrong to tell me I should end my friendship with [Friend] since I’d been such a positive influence in helping him straighten out. It was a short conversation at the time, and I doubt my father even remembers it, but it was one that really resonated with me and meant a lot at the time.

I convinced [Friend] to join the military with me to help cover college costs, and eventually, we both signed up to essentially be contracted out by the military as security guards for a local prison. It’s a mind-numbingly boring job, but it pays for college, so I can’t really complain.

Of course, I discussed these plans with my family.

Father: “You know, I always said that if you stayed friends with [Friend], he’d eventually do something that would land you both in prison. I’ve been vindicated at last!”

I am working at an indoor food market in a mall. We are selling a selection of fancy European cheeses. A woman walks up and starts to browse.

Customer: “Why are these all so expensive?”

Me: “They’re all imported from Europe, so it costs a bit extra to keep them fresh on the journey. The one you’re holding is a special type of Gouda from The Netherlands.”

Customer: “Netherlands? Sounds like a made-up place!”

Me: “Haha, I know, right? Sounds like something out of a book.”

Customer: “I still don’t see what’s so special about this cheese.”

Me: “Well, it’s a special type that’s been made by the same cheesemakers using the same method for over five hundred years.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! There weren’t even people five hundred years ago, let alone cheese!”

Me: “Uh… I’m pretty sure people have been around for a bit longer than that.”

Customer: “America is only, like, two hundred years old.”

Me: “There were people before America.”

Customer: “Learn that in a public school, did ya? This is why I’m glad I was homeschooled and why I homeschool my kids!”

She puts the cheese down and wanders off. I look over at a stall owner next to me, who understands my shocked face.

Stall Owner: “Happens more often than you’d think, sadly. A lot of these older people who were homeschooled and didn’t have the Internet growing up have some… strange ideas. Thankfully, some of my kid’s friends who are homeschooled use the Internet to basically undo everything their parents are teaching them these days. That’s the one good thing I have to say about the Internet!”

To this day, that’s still the most “out there” moment I have had with a customer.

Gather around, and let me tell you the story of the classmate from Hell. I am on the autism spectrum. During my senior year in high school, I was part of the school’s news program, as well as a theater kid. In both the news program and theater classes, I had a classmate. We got along well for most of the year — until we didn’t.

For reasons I can’t remember, the classmate started to menace me in the news program’s class, talking s*** about me and kicking my backpack around. I tried to deal with it as best as I could and let it slide off my back so that I wouldn’t worry my mother, but the teachers in the school’s special education program saw what was going on and, while initially respecting my wish not to involve my mother, decided she needed to be made aware of the situation. It was a good decision, in hindsight.

The teachers told this classmate not to bother me anymore, and she retaliated by trying to spread rumors about me. She claimed I tried to have her thrown off of the theater team that would be going to a state competition — a bald-faced lie. Ironically, as a result of her continuing to menace me, she actually was thrown off the theater team before we went to state, where I wound up winning “Best In State Actor”.

She was certain not to bother me after that.

The last I remember anything about her, she had been hired at a call center where my mother worked. Mum made certain to introduce herself to her as “[My Name]’s mother” and make it awkward for her.

I work for an upper-middle-class buffet restaurant. We don’t see, like, stock magnates, but a lot of our customers are the wealthy working class. One day, we are all out of shrimp. The shrimp is very popular, and we prepare it in several ways.

There was something of a major run on the shrimp this past week, for reasons we’re not sure of: there were no special events or anything, though business was much greater than normal.

Regardless, we’ve run fully and unexpectedly out of shrimp on Saturday. The next shipment will be on Tuesday. Today is Monday.

Several of the pans are empty, as they normally carry shrimp dishes. A customer confronts us and demands to know where our shrimp are.

We admit that we’re out and offer to refund him his meal price and let him go home, but we point out that if he sticks around to eat, he’ll get no refunds.

He sticks around to eat and then attempts to get the refund he was promised at the front desk. They deny him. He says, “Fine, I’ll just eat some more,” and disappears onto the food floor.

About ten minutes later, he grabs a food pan. He rushes off with it to the bathroom and locks himself and the pan in the stall. When he leaves the restroom, holding the food pan, we’ve already got an employee waiting to escort him off of the property. We inform him that he is banned and that if he does not leave, it will be trespassing.

He throws the food pan, now full of s***, at the wall — thankfully not at an employee!

One of our workers, startled by the motion, punches him in the face, and he goes down clutching at his face and accusing us of breaking his jaw.

We debated simply dragging him off of the property but decided to call the police to deal with him. Last we heard, he took a plea deal in which he pleaded guilty to trespassing and property damage and paid a fine rather than going to jail.