(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

Lady: “Okay.”

(There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

(This is before smartphones, so she is talking about the old-style analog phones.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

Me: “…”

(I try for ten minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

Me: “Okay, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMB-A**!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

Lady: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

Lady: “Okaay—” *click*

(I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

(A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4 pm on Saturday when I get this call.

Me: “Welcome to [sandwich shop], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Stoner #1: “Hey… yeah…”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Stoner #1: “What?”

Me: “Would you like to order something?”

Stoner #1: “Yes…”

(After about two minutes of silence…)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

Stoner #1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”

Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”

Stoner #1: *tells me his order*

Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”

Stoner #1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”

(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)

Stoner #2: “Cookies!? Where?”

Stoner #1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”

(Now I can hear [Stoner #2] grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)

Stoner #2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”

Stoner #3: “Four cookies! I want two!”

Stoner #2: “SIX COOKIES!”

Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”

Stoner #2: “Yeahhhhhh.”

Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”

Stoner #2: “Delivery…” *gives address*

Stoner #1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”

Stoner #2: “S***! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”

(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)

Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”

Stoner #2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”

Stoner #1: “Dude, she means the police!”

Stoner #2: “S***!” *click*

(We ended up delivering to them anyway because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)