Cookies Don’t Cause Cancer

, , , | Right | May 15, 2018

(I live in Australia. I work at a petrol station and as it is around Christmas time, our work has bags of cookies we can give away free to customers. A customer has just finished paying for her fuel.)

Me: “Would you like a complimentary cookie today?”

Customer: “Oh, no! I can’t possibly have that; it’s summer season! I have to watch my figure!”

(Having heard this from a lot of people that day, I let it go and wish her a good day. She then turns back around.)

Customer: “Oh, I almost forgot! Could I get a pack of [cigarettes]?”

A Cycle (P)ride

, , , , , | Related | May 14, 2018

(My brother and I take a two-day motorcycle course over the summer. It is a state-certified program meant to teach the practical skills needed to ride in a safe environment. My brother has always been protective, but in the strange older-brother kind of way. He says that it’s okay if I drop the bike or fall over; that people will only laugh a little. This happens when we are taking a break the second day. I am heading one way, and my brother the opposite way.)

Instructor: “Uh, [My Name]? Your brother isn’t moving.”

(I look, and sure enough he’s tripped over a small, hanging chain and is lying on his back on the ground.)

Me: “You okay?” *he nods* “You need a hand?” *he shakes his head* “You just want to lay there for a second?” *a nod* “How’s your pride?”

Brother: “Kind of hurts.”

(He managed to crack the visor on the helmet he was carrying, and scraped up his elbow. He was the only one all weekend to need any type of bandages. I stayed upright the whole time. He still hasn’t lived it down.)

It’s Good On Paper

, , , , , , , | Hopeless | May 13, 2018

My brother had just finished soccer practice in his senior year and decided to drive his friend home. On the way to her house, a distracted driver ended up rear-ending the two of them into an intersection, where the passenger side was hit by a van going 50 miles per hour. My brother broke four ribs in the crash and managed to roll out of the car. He stood up and tried to make his way back to help his friend, puncturing a lung in the process. Eventually, a bystander managed to restrain my brother so he wouldn’t be injured further. The girl was taken into intensive care, and we didn’t know what was happening with her for a long time.

I was in the same high school as my brother, and I was allowed to take a week off to stay with him in recovery. He was incredibly worried about his friend, and he was starting to get depressed. That’s around the time people started coming to see him. Throughout his stay he had nearly the entire school visit him, both students and staff. The nurses actually had to start getting involved to make sure not too many people were in the waiting room at a time. Each and every person brought him an origami swan.

We learned that the day after the accident the entire school shut down all its activities. Instead, everyone was taught how to make origami swans, which signify health and quick healing. Everyone spent the entire day folding them for my brother and his friend. My brother received over 3,000 swans. When he was finally released and he went back to school for the first time, we found the entire school covered in swans. They were hanging from the ceiling in nearly every room. One of his friends even managed to make a seven-foot tall swan that the school kept in the cafeteria.

My brother and his friend miraculously recovered. Even the doctors were baffled that there was no permanent damage to either of them. My school had those swans hanging in the hallways until the day it shut down. It might be silly to think little pieces of paper could make a difference in a life-or-death situation, but I can’t help but be thankful for each and every one of them.

El-Blow

, , , , , | Friendly | May 11, 2018

(My dad and I are staying with a friend of his, whose daughter recently had a baby. We are all sitting in the kitchen, while she bounces her son on her lap. At one point she moves a bit farther to the left than she meant to, and SLAMS her elbow onto the edge of the table. She freezes, her eyes bug out, and her jaw drops.)

Me: “Why don’t I hold onto him for a minute?”

(She wordlessly handed me her baby, eyes watering, then doubled over, clutching her elbow.)

Spoon-Feeding You Some Advice

, , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(Sadly, I’m the stupid customer in this one. I have bronchitis and have just made it home from the pharmacy with my cough syrup. When I open the bag, I notice the cup that you use to take the medicine isn’t in there, so I call the pharmacy.)

Pharmacist: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [Pharmacist]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. This is [My Name]. I just picked up my prescription for [cough syrup], and when I got home I saw that it didn’t have the cup thing you use to take it with.”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, [My Name]. Do you want to come back and pick one up?”

Me: “Well, I have to take the bus, and I don’t want to get everyone else sick, too.”

Pharmacist: “Okay, well, do you bake?”

Me: *slightly confused* “Yes?”

Pharmacist: “Then you can use the teaspoon measuring spoon from your baking set.”

Me: “But… but… I need medicine teaspoons, not baking teaspoons.”

(She then proceeded to calmly explain to me that teaspoons were teaspoons, no matter what they were used for.)

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