Being A Man Sure Is Handy Sometimes

, , , , , | Romantic | July 10, 2021

My husband, toddler, and I are getting ready to go on a hike. I have a Shewee — a female urination device — so I don’t have to squat in the woods. I’m having a hard time finding where I put it last.

Me: “I’ve got to stop misplacing my pee thing.”

Husband: “Huh, I don’t have that problem.”

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Sounds Like She Doesn’t Need More Oxygen!

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2021

I’m an assistant manager at a dollar store. Two elderly women are shopping for toys and candy and I am ringing them out.

Elderly Lady #1: “My grandkids coming over this afternoon, this is for them.”

As I was ringing them out another elderly woman, with a cane and oxygen tank in tow comes in SCREAMING.

Elderly Lady #2: “Who parked in the handicapped spot!”

I guess the two women, who are on their way out the door, didn’t have their placard on the mirror and this set that woman off. She starts swinging her cane, screaming:

Elderly Lady #2: “I’m going to beat you two up!”

I pick up the phone and dial the dispatch number.

Me: “I’m calling the cops!”

Her husband literally dragged her back out the door and out quick before anyone answered. The two ladies I was helping were super apologetic the whole time. They had the handicapped plate but I guess she forgot to hang the placard before entering… they left so quick too, they just wanted to get their grandkids.

I’ve had to threaten to call the cops a few other times but usually that did the trick and people would leave. My husband made me leave that job for my safety!

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Soccer Is Always Bloodiest When Parents Get Involved

, , , , | Healthy | CREDIT: xylophoneplayer88 | July 8, 2021

When I am about eleven or twelve years old, I play for a local girls’ football/soccer team as the goalie. We play on a field not far from my house for home games.

We go up against another local team in the county tournament. This team has a girl on it whose mother is a known problem. She’ll scream if her daughter is so much as touched and has been known to be threatening to both parents and players. [Girl] is lovely, and we actually know each other from school. There is a friendly sort of rivalry between us.

About halfway through the first half, [Girl] comes at the goal and we end up both going for the ball at the same time. Her foot connects hard with my ankle and I immediately know it is broken. [Girl] apparently heard the break, and helps me to the ground, yelling for help. When I look down, my foot is at a very strange angle.

Both coaches help me off the pitch, [Girl] beside me holding my hand, both of us crying. Other players are gathering round, but the coaches tell them to step back and give me some space. My parents appear and sit with me while my team’s coach calls for an ambulance.

[Girl]’s mum appears. I hear her before I see her.

Girl’s Mum: “What’s going on? [Girl], get back on the field.”

Girl: “Mum, I broke [My Name]’s ankle. I want to stay with her. I’ll be red-carded, anyway.”

Usually, if there’s a foul you get a yellow card, and two yellow cards cause you to be red-carded and sent off. However, if a foul is particularly bad or causes serious injury, you’re red-carded straight away.

Girl’s Mum: “Red-carded?! Why, because she didn’t get out of the way in time?”

My Mum: “No, because it happened. I don’t think [Girl] meant for it to happen, but it still did.”

Girl’s Mum: “Well, I think your daughter did this on purpose to make [Girl] look bad. I bet she’s faking it.”

I’m still crying and in too much pain for patience.

Me: “If you think I can make my ankle bend like that myself, then you’re stupid.”

Girl’s Mum: “How dare you?!” *Turns to the coach* “I want the police here, too, for defamation of my daughter’s character.”

The referee comes over to check how I am and to let [Girl] know that, as she thought, she’s red-carded. [Girl] doesn’t seem to care, but her mother explodes.

Girl’s Mum: “You can’t red-card my daughter. Red-card that little b****. In fact, ban her from the game! She’s putting it on on purpose. Look!”

She kicks my ankle. It’s not hard, but it still causes me agony because of the break. I scream, and my mum jumps up to take the woman on. The other team’s coach has to get between them to stop a fight.

An ambulance shows up during this, and the paramedics come to help me. They manage to get both [Girl] and me laughing and help to secure my ankle so as not to cause more injury. My dad tells them about what [Girl]’s mum did, and one of the paramedics shakes her head.

Paramedic: “You can’t help stupid, I guess.”

The police also showed up while I was being sorted out. I didn’t see this part but was told about it by other players later. [Girl]’s mum started yelling that my mum and I should be arrested for defamation. However, after the police were told by several witnesses what had happened, [Girl]’s mum was arrested for assault.

I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance, my mum riding with me and my dad driving the family car. It turned out that I had a break in two places in my ankle. I have a strong suspicion that one of the breaks was the result of [Girl]’s mum’s kick, though that couldn’t be proven.

I had to wear a cast for six weeks and missed a week of school. [Girl] and other members of both teams came to visit me at home in the following days.

[Girl]’s mother was cautioned and released but was issued with a lifetime touchline ban by the team’s coach. She apparently tried to show up at a couple of games, but other parents made her leave again. Thankfully, [Girl] is still lovely, and we remain friends to this day.

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He’s Doing A Crappy Job Protecting His Kid

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: realtomgl | July 8, 2021

At one of my old hotels, I was sometimes literally the only person working on the PM shift. One night in the summer, a guest came in.

Guest: “Someone took their baby into the pool with them and the baby had an accident.”

I ran out and asked all the other people to get out of the pool. The pool was outside and next to a BBQ area, so the guests eating inquired what was going on, and when I told them, they immediately helped me get their kids out of the pool. Good guests — not bothering me, and giving me space to clean. They even asked if they could stay in the BBQ area.

I got the pool skimmer and pulled the poop out, and then I called my maintenance man to see what chemicals to put in the pool to clean it. I put up signs saying the pool was closed and even put yellow caution signs in front of both ladders entering the pool itself. All the while, I was hoping that the phone wouldn’t ring or a guest wouldn’t come to check in since, again, I was the only person working there.

I finally got it all done and went back inside, but then I heard a splash. I ran out and a kid had cannonballed into the pool, with his dad standing there watching.

I probably wasn’t calm but screamed and pointed when I came out to tell the dad to get his kid out of the pool. Ignoring signs and letting his kid swim with poop? Sigh.

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My Hunger > Your Life

, , | Right | July 7, 2021

It is before masks are mandatory. A customer comes inside the restaurant and approaches the counter, standing back a bit further than most would.

Customer: “I should be self-isolating.”

Me: “Then why the h*** are you here if that’s the case!”

Customer: “I’m hungry…”

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