This Is A Job For The National Relay Service

, , , | Right | March 23, 2021

I work for the paging and messaging department of a telecommunications company. We are responsible for taking calls on behalf of businesses that can’t answer the call themselves. I am currently working for a hearing-aide company.

Me: “[Business] is not available at the moment. Can I leave a message?”

Customer: *Yelling* “I NEED NEW BATTERIES!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but [Company] isn’t available at the moment. If I can have your name and number, I’ll pass on your details for a return call.” 

Customer: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I NEED BATTERIES!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but they’re not available at the moment.”

Customer: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I NEED NEW BATTERIES!”

Me: “I can’t help you, I’m sorry. You’ll need to call back at a later time.”

Customer: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU! SEND ME BATTERIES NOW!”

I ended up having to terminate the call as I was going in circles. But why call if you can’t hear anyway?

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Lo, Shall The Blue Moon Bring A Crimson Tide Unto The Pale Plane

, , , , | Related | March 22, 2021

I live with my mum. I’ve got conditions that impact my reproductive system and result in my periods typically being extremely painful and really random with three- to five-month gaps between them. Very occasionally, I have what I call a “blue moon” period, where two show up in one month; the second one never has any PMS to harken its arrival. Because my periods are also extremely heavy, I stick to dark bedding to minimise the damage that can be done. My mum hates the dark bedding and has opted to buy me a set that’s white with dots, with a white sheet, which is cute but… risky for someone like me. My period has finished and she’s insisted I switch on over to the white set, which I eventually agree to.

Me: “You’re fully aware that I’m going to have a blue moon period, right?”

Mum: “Oh, shush. You just don’t want the white!”

Me: “I do want the white. It’s cute. But it’s impractical and I’m calling it now; blue moon, here I come.”

Mum: “SHUSH!”

Me: “Just don’t yell at me when it occurs.”

Mum: “Okay, I won’t, but you’re having the white set.”

A couple of nights come and go. I wake up in a scene that wouldn’t be amiss in a horror film, strip the bed, and go chuck myself in the shower. I flounce my way down the stairs with the affected bedding and dramatically pose in the doorway of the living room where Mum’s watching the TV.

Me: “I’m a seer!”

My mum just swore. Fortunately, it was only the sheet that was hit, and since it was white we could go ham with bleach.

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A Sobering Reality

, , , , | Friendly | March 22, 2021

We are having a drink at work and a coworker is looking at the empty, used glasses.

Coworker: “D***, which one is mine?”

I point to one.

Me: “It is that one.”

Coworker: *Half-jokingly* “Are you sure?”

Me: *Dead serious* “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Coworker: “How can you be so sure it is mine?”

Me: “Because I am a woman and my safety and wellbeing can depend on tracking my drink, especially in a crowded room.”

He looked at me, processed what I said, quietly took his glass, and went to have it refilled. I know he was thinking of his young daughter.


This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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That Comeback Was Under The Nose

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2021

I have just started double-masking. The disposable ones are a little large for my face, but they fit fine under cloth ones.

I am getting a customer checked in for a haircut. I start fidgeting with the masks because they are getting in my eyes. I explain this to the customer’s wife and we laugh it off. The husband is the one getting the haircut, and he has his mask under his nose.

As I’m settling into the haircut, the customer asks me condescendingly:

Customer: “Why not just wear three masks?”

Me: “Because two is just fine.”

There’s silence for a moment while I think of a cheeky comeback.

Me: “Besides, at least I can wear two masks properly on my face, unlike others.”

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Wait Until You Hear About Centaur Babies!

, , , , | Learning | March 20, 2021

In the fourth grade, I became obsessed with the discovery of “mermaid babies” — babies who are born with webbed feet and/or hands, or with their legs and/or feet fused together. Every week in my class, someone was required to present a news report on any topic we wished, and of course, my topic was on this interesting phenomenon of mutations.

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm following my week to present led a lot of my classmates to get annoyed and skeptical with me. One kid even came up and basically called me a liar and a fraud because her mom told her mermaid babies aren’t really mermaids but babies with their skin fused together. She got especially annoyed when I just gave her a confused look and went, “Duh, it’s not like they’re born with gills or something,” and walked away.

I finally gave my presentation, starting with a short fictional story I read about pregnant women laying by a “mermaid lake” who then gave birth to actual mermaids. I made sure to mention that the story was just a legend — incorrect word but I didn’t know that — and wasn’t real, before diving into my actual findings about a baby who had to have surgery to separate their legs.

I’ll never forget the look of awe on my teacher’s face as she listened to me speak. And after I was done, she set her grading clipboard down and asked, “So… Wait… Are these real mermaids? Like, can they breathe underwater and everything?” 

I stood there, dumbfounded for a second, before replying, “No, Mrs. [Teacher]. Mermaids aren’t actually real; it’s just the baby’s legs stuck together.”

I wish I could remember what I wrote and read to my class. It still bothers me to this day, wondering where in my presentation I went wrong for her to ask me that.

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