Biking In The Netherlands Is Taken Seriously

, , , , , | Friendly | August 26, 2019

(I’ve just impaled myself on a fence after I was riding my bike, avoided a car, noticed no working brakes, went into the sidewalk, and then hit a bump which sent me into said fence. I’m clearly hurting and stuck when a person who was on the sidewalk walks over. I am a tourist.)

Woman: “Bikes are for the road.”

Me: “I know, but I didn’t have a choice.”

Woman: “You should have stayed on the road!”

Me: “I’m not a good enough rider to stay on the road and not get hit by a car when there are no brakes!”

Woman: “You are a terrible rider. Bikes stay in the street! No sidewalk riding!”

(At this point, I get off the fence and fall into the bushes on the other side. I have blood dripping down my leg and other, far more minor injuries like scratches that are obvious as I finally stand up.)

Me: “I understand. I’m not a good rider, but I had no chance. I couldn’t stop the bike and I think I did pretty well to not hit you or anyone else.”

(I’ve got a lovely scar just above my right knee as a reminder but hey, at least she told me off for “riding on the sidewalk.”)

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Giving You A Piece Of My Mind – And My Guts

, , , , , , | Working | August 26, 2019

(I work at a hamburger chain restaurant, but end up having to call out sick. I make sure to call early and speak right to the manager. However, the manager is notoriously lazy, negligent, and incredibly dumb.)

Manager: “You’re just going to have to suck it up and come in.”

Me: “I can’t! I’m puking my guts up!”

Manager: “That’s manageable. We’ll just put a trash can at the end of the grill-line for you.”

Me: “Are you being serious right now?!”

Manager: “Look, [My Name], things are already busy…”

(They aren’t. I have called early enough that the building isn’t even open for business at this time; I know the manager is present with a few prep employees.)

Manager: “…and I just don’t have the time to call around for somebody to replace you. You’re going to have to suck it up and come in.”

(I open my mouth to argue, and instead I give my manager a full auditory experience involving my stomach turning inside out. When I can talk again, I’m pretty sure my voice sounds like the Devil’s.)

Me: “[Manager] if you say that I have to come in one more time, I’ll call the health department as soon as you hang up the phone!”

Manager: *pause* “Come in when you feel better.”

(I do look back on this story with some amusement: apparently the sound of someone vomiting — and/or mentioning the health department — is a 100% effective way to make the laziest manager do their job. Who knew?)

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I Am Beeping Diabetic, B****es!

, , , , , | Learning | August 23, 2019

(I’m diabetic and have a few medical devices and accommodations. One of my devices beeps really loudly when I have high blood sugar. I am in math class and it beeps. The girl next to me tells turns to me.)

Girl: “Silence your phone!”

Me: “My phone is silenced.”

(It beeps again three minutes later.)

Girl: “Oh, my f****** God, turn your phone off! I can’t focus!”

Me: “My phone is silenced.“ 

(She is super mad, and so when it beeps a third time, she gets up and yells.)


(The teacher took my phone, but I didn’t mind, because when the fourth beep chimed the girl stared at me, so angry that she just got up and left. The next day in class, it beeped and I took it out and programmed it to stop; she looked very embarrassed.)

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Definition Of Love: Sacrificing Pizza For Your Child

, , , , , , | Related | August 22, 2019

(I have an unusual food allergy to a type of pepperoni that is used at a specific pizza chain. As a result of this, my family never gets pizza from that specific chain, and they buy a brand of pepperoni that’s safe for me to eat — a story on its own — for times we decide to make our own. This happens the first Thanksgiving after I move out, when I visit my family for dinner.)

Dad: “I just realized something.”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “Now that [My Name]’s moved out, we can get [Pizza Chain we avoid due to my allergy] again!”

(Apparently, he’d been wanting that pizza for 20+ years!)

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In A Thrush To Dump You

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 22, 2019

My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost six months and it had been going great until one day when I started to feel a little itchy “down there.” I made an appointment with my GP. I was so nervous, terrified it was a serious STD or something.

The doctor was very reassuring. She examined me and did a few tests. It turned out it was just thrush. As she could see I was still a little apprehensive, she offered to take some samples to send away for an STD test just for my peace of mind, which I agreed to. Better safe than sorry.

Thrilled that it wasn’t something serious like I feared, I took out my phone to give my boyfriend the good news. That’s when I found he had sent me a text. It read: 

“I know you cheated on me. You obviously have gonorrhoea and I know you didn’t get it from me. I obviously can’t trust you. We’re over. Don’t bother calling. I don’t want to talk to you ever again, you cheating whore.”

Stunned, I tried phoning him but he didn’t answer, so I texted him, frantically explaining it wasn’t an STD. I even sent him pictures of my prescription which clearly stated the medication was for thrush. I didn’t get a response. 

I was utterly devastated. We hadn’t been dating long, but we had been happy, or so I thought. However, I soon learned why he was acting so strangely.

A few weeks after we broke up, I received a call from a woman who said she was his girlfriend. How she got my number I don’t know, but she was furious, claiming that I had knowingly given my ex gonorrhoea, which he had then given to her. I explained that I did not have an STD.

When she didn’t believe me, I sent her the photos of my prescription which I had sent to my ex, the all-clear results from my STD tests, and screenshots of the break-up texts.

This led to several revelations. First, it seemed my ex and this woman had been dating for weeks before he broke up with me. He lied and told her we had broken up well before we actually did. When they found out they had an STD, he immediately blamed me and told her I gave it to him before we broke up, which I had just proven was a lie.

It also turns out that he reacted the way he did because he had been trying to find a guilt-free way to break up with me so he could be with this other woman, and decided my condition was the perfect way to do it.

Unsurprisingly, it became clear my ex was a serial cheater who had not only been dating us at the same time but other women, as well, which is probably how he caught an STD in the first place.

I never heard from the woman again, but I did hear through some mutual acquaintances I still had with my ex that the woman who called me immediately dumped him, and made a public post on Facebook outing him for being both a cheater and for having an STD. Sadly, I didn’t see the post, but I’m told it caused quite a stir.

It just goes to show that sometimes, people get their comeuppance sooner than they think.

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