The Burning Need To Pee

, , , , | Right | January 27, 2020

(I am working as a janitor during college in the student union building on campus. I have closed the bathroom to clean it, blocking the entrance to the bathroom with a spring-loaded pole that goes across the opening and a flag hanging down it saying, “Restroom closed.” I have just sprayed phosphoric acid cleaner in the bowls and on the seats of the toilets, and I have to let it sit to clean and neutralize before washing it off. In the meantime, I start on the sinks. A woman comes in with her daughter who seems to be three or so.)

Woman: “Excuse me, is the bathroom closed?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

(She must have walked under a bar that literally said so to ask me this.)

Woman: “Well, my daughter needs to use the restroom.”

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s closed.”

Woman: “But she has to go potty.”

Me: “I understand it’s hard when kids just have to go, but I just put phosphoric acid cleaner on the toilets. If she were to use them, she would get chemical burns. There is another bathroom on the next floor up.”

Woman: “She can’t wait.”

Me: “There’s nothing I can do about this.”

Woman: “I’m going to use this one.”

Me: *standing in front of her* “Look, I’ve gotten this cleaner inside my gloves on accident before and it burns. I can’t let your daughter sit on it.”

Woman: “It will be okay.”

Me: “Go upstairs. You could have made it there in this time.”

Woman: *leaving* “If she wets herself, it’s your fault.”

Me: “Better wetting herself than having chemical burns on her legs and bottom!”

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Enlarging Your Client Base

, , , , , | Right | January 27, 2020

I work at a law office and part of my job is to screen potential new clients — PNC — to help our attorney decide if they have a case or not.

Today, this flashed on my screen from our online contact form.

“PNC requests a callback regarding car accident, and her insurance company is now refusing to cover the cost of a breast enlargement that her doctor stated was to help her balance after car accident caused spinal issues.”

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The Boss Is Anti-Antenatal

, , , , , , , | Working | January 26, 2020

I work in an office and have a very demanding adult baby of a boss. I was also about seven months pregnant when this story took place.

UK law states that employers need to give paid time off for all antenatal appointments. 

My boss was one of those people that always took credit for his team’s work but never acknowledged who actually did the work. I was the most senior of the team but was not treated as such.

One day, several months into my pregnancy, the doctor found a health concern and informed me that I was going to have an ultrasound scan and a consultant appointment, every week for the rest of my pregnancy.

My boss was not happy with this, because it meant that I was out of the office every Wednesday afternoon in a nine-to-five job.

One Wednesday, I was getting ready to walk to the hospital. It’s important to the story that the hospital was only a fifteen-minute walk from my office. As I was saying my goodbyes, my boss nicely told me not to forget my laptop; he then struck up a conversation about an upcoming project.

I was worried that I was going to be late for my appointments, so I started walking to the exit, but my boss followed me. Still talking. I left the office and began to walk down the road. My boss was by my side, still talking. I asked him if he was coming to the hospital with me and he vaguely commented that he wanted to make sure that I arrived okay. “How nice!” I thought.

We got to the waiting room to sign in, and my boss sat down and asked me to take out my laptop. At this point, I was in disbelief. He asked me to take notes for the project, whilst I was balancing a laptop on my pregnant belly. I told him that I was at the hospital, about to have a scan. I would rather not be working right at that moment.

His reply?

“You’re being paid whilst at this appointment. You should be working, too.”

Luckily, the lady at the reception saw how uncomfortable I was and came over. She asked my boss if he was the father, and he was mortified. (I was 30 and he was pushing 60.) She told him that he had to leave, as it was partners and family only.

The next morning, I was called into a meeting with my boss and the head of the department. Luckily for me, the head of the department was a sensible older lady with three children herself. Apparently, my boss had filed a grievance and believed that I should get an official warning for unauthorized time off!

I showed the emails to HR and explained what had happened. The head of the department went very quiet and asked me to return to my desk.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how my boss lost his job, and I got promoted whilst seven months pregnant.

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Skated Right Past That Trend

, , , , , , | Related | January 26, 2020

When I was thirteen, inline skates were all the rage, so I begged my dad to buy me some. I was a quiet kid, and I never begged, but I really wanted those skates. After a while, he did, along with all the pads to protect my knees, wrists, head, and elbows from injury. 

I put them all on, and for some reason I decided to go to a parking lot which had a slight slope, and try skating down it. I figured the slope was good for beginners. It was a good idea in my mind, but when I actually did it, I sped up, panicked, and tried to stop, but skates are slippery and I couldn’t. I half fell, half rolled down the slope before landing on my face and hands and scraping my palms and cheek. 

My dad, who had been watching, howled with laughter and I sat there, embarrassed and humiliated that it wasn’t as safe and easy as I had thought. He said that I looked like a mess. We went home, and I took off the gear and skates and put it in my closet and never used it again. I stuck to bikes after that. I’m glad that he got me the pads, though, since I definitely would’ve broken something.

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Should Have Capped It At Capsicum

, , , , , | Right | January 25, 2020

(I have an unusual combination of uncommon allergies, including tomatoes and capsicum. I’ve taken to joking about being “that guest” wherever I go, because feeding me can be a challenge. I am at a friend’s wedding, and the first dish is served without issue. However, when the main is served, I notice the steak is served with a roasted tomato.)

Me: “Um, I’m really sorry, but I’m allergic to tomatoes.”

Server: “Wait, really? But it’s not on the list!”

(She shows me. Everything else is there, but not tomatoes. Because the skin has split, I can’t eat the dish, and the other meal has tomatoes, too. She takes it away and returns with the vegan meal. I’m a little disappointed, particularly since it looks like there is chili in the quinoa, which I hate, but nevertheless start nibbling one piece of cauliflower. The server comes racing back to me.)

Server: “Put that down! Don’t eat it!”

Me: “What?”

Server: “The quinoa has capsicum in it!”

(The table laughed at me getting two meals each with a different allergen in it. I was amazed I’d really become “that guest.” The third dish they gave me was happily free of all foods I am allergic to.)

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