Medicine Prices Can Wind You

, , , , , , | Healthy | March 1, 2019

I had been having horrible stomach cramps, to the point where I could barely stand. I’ve already had my appendix removed, so my doctor ran a few other tests and determined the pain was from a bowel obstruction. He sent me home with instructions to drink more water and take a laxative and some OTC pain killers.

While waiting in the checkout line with my purchase, several waves of cramps came over me and I started seeing stars. The cashier saw me start to stumble and called for help. More stars appeared before the pain became so intense I passed out.

When I regained consciousness, there was a crowd surrounding me with a mixture of emotions on their faces. Some were concerned, others embarrassed, and others looked like they were trying not to laugh, but none of them are looking at me. I started to sit up and the associate closest to me — the pharmacist who helped me pick my laxative — told me to stay still and wait for the ambulance to arrive.

I asked what happened and the pharmacist blushed deeper. I looked down to make sure I hadn’t lost control of my bladder. I hadn’t, but then I realized my stomach didn’t hurt as much anymore. I made that comment aloud, and some of the crowd laughed. A man from the crowd leaned in and told me that when I hit the floor, I’d released the biggest, loudest, longest fart he’d ever heard out of any human being.

The people gathered around were obviously there to see how I handled the news of my flatulent faux pas. I was terribly embarrassed, but I was also so relieved that I wasn’t in pain anymore, I just laughed until I cried. The ambulance arrived shortly thereafter and gave me the okay to go home. I apologized to everyone in the vicinity and told them I hoped the rest of their day went better than mine.

Who Does She Think She’s Kidding?

, , , , , , | Right | February 27, 2019

(I’m working at a famous hamburger place when this happens. A young lady has come in with her child, who is maybe three years old. The child is running around in the lobby while she is waiting in my line. When she gets to me, the following happens:)

Me: “Ma’am, it’s unsafe for your kid to run around in here like that. He’s going to hurt himself.”

Lady: “He’s fine. And don’t call my child a kid. A kid is a baby cow! Call him a child!

Me: “Okay, ma’am, but your child will get hurt; please ask him to stop running around.”

Lady: “He’s fine! Now let me place my order.”

Me: “Fine, what can I get for you?”

(Just as she’s starting to order, her kid falls and does a header right into the corner of one of the garbage cans. The kid doesn’t make a noise, but all of a sudden starts shaking, so it’s clear he’s having a seizure. The mother runs over to her kid and turns him over. His eyes are rolled back, his head is bleeding, and he’s shaking. One of my coworkers is calling 911 and others have rushed to help her.)

Lady: *looks up at me and yells* “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

(She later tried to sue us. I was asked to give a deposition, and I told them that I had asked her to stop having her kid run around, and a couple other people I worked with said they’d heard me tell her. She didn’t win her case. Also, a kid isn’t a baby cow; it’s a baby goat.)

Suffering From Wi-Fitis

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2019

(I am coming to the end of a line of customers checking into our hotel. When I come to the last, she appears to be in considerable pain from a headache. I offer to let her sit down and she can check in once she feels better.)

Woman: “Thank you, dear, but I have electromagnetic sensitively, and your Wi-Fi box is giving me such a headache.”

Me: “Um, I’m afraid I don’t follow.”

Woman: *now extremely irate* “I’M ALLERGIC TO WI-FI!” *points at telephone* “TURN THE BLASTED THING OFF NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that won’t—“

Woman: *laying on the floor* “I am in agony!

Me: “Madam, I wish I could help, but this is a telephone, and the Wi-Fi hub is—“

(She sits up abruptly and sees that I am holding the receiver of our wired public telephone. She lets out a massive sigh.)

Woman: “It must just be a headache, then. I’ll take some painkillers from my bag.”

(She checked in and seemed perfectly all right after being in agony just a few moments before. She spent the rest of the week walking by the reception with no issue, despite the fact that the main Wi-Fi hub for the hotel was directly above my head. When she checked out, she commented on how “Wi-Fi-free the hotel was” and left a positive rating in her feedback. We have hubs on every floor and the signal is pretty much constant throughout the entire hotel. I don’t want to criticise the claims that allergy to Wi-Fi is an actual thing, but in her case, I sincerely doubt it was.)


Wrapped That Around Back To Them

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(I am working the customer service desk when a woman approaches with an item.)

Me: “Hi. Returning?”

Woman: “Yes. It’s just too small.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have the receipt?”

Woman: “I do, right here.”

(We go through the transaction with no problem. At the end, I hand over the new receipt and she hands me a folded piece of paper.)

Woman: “I think you’d be a great model. Give us a call.”

Me: “Oh. Thank you, I never really— Wait. This is for [Holistic Wellness Company].”

Woman: “Yes, I’m [My Name]; I’m one of the top representatives! I think you’d be a wonderful candidate for our stomach wrap. It just melts the fat right off!”

Me: “Uh…”

Woman: “I may even be able to get you on our website! Give me a call, okay?”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Woman: *offended* “It’s all-natural! Your belly could be flat!”

Me: *lifts my shirt to show a g-tube in my stomach* “I need more fat, not less. I don’t think I’m a good fit for this product.”

Woman: *sneering at my stomach* “Ew. Well. Everyone could stand to lose a few pounds.”

Me: “Okay, then. I hope those wraps work for you. Have a nice day.”

(The woman complained to management that I’d insulted her weight, bragged about my body, and flashed her. She demanded compensation in the form of a $100 gift card. When management called me over to apologize to her, I showed him the paper she gave me and gave my side of the story. He returned the handout, told the woman we had a “no solicitation” policy posted at every door, and escorted her out of the building.)

Like… Like An Owl?

, , , , , | Learning | February 19, 2019

This year’s English teacher is a nice lady, but she’s very strict about quiet time. When the class is supposed to be doing “individual activities,” e.g. writing down instructions or notes, if she hears a single word, she’s on the case of the student responsible.

Sometimes, my neck has a tendency to crack loudly as my head, of its own accord, jerks to face in the other direction. This happens just as “quiet time” begins and I hiss in pain, and from the other side of the room, the teacher hears.

“Did you not just hear me?” she says, glaring. “I said silent!

While she may be good at spotting troublemakers, she didn’t seem to notice that my head was briefly facing in the wrong direction.

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