How To Be A Total As(thma)

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(I am five years old at this time. I have had trouble breathing, and so my mom takes me to the ER. Note that she is a nurse.)

Doctor #1: “What seems to be the problem?”

Mom: “She can’t breathe, and some of her symptoms are matching up to asthma.”

(The doctor examines me.)

Mom: “What is it?”

Doctor #1: “She’s fine. You can just take her home.”

Mom: “What? No! Look at her. Do you think she’s fine? I’m a nurse, and I can tell that this is asthma.”

Doctor #1: “Ma’am, I am part of the board of Asthma Awareness. She is fine.”

Mom: “No, she is not. If you will not listen to me, then I demand to see another doctor.”

Doctor #1: “Ugh. Fine.”

(My mom overhears this:)

Doctor #1: “[Doctor #2] We have one of THOSE moms in there. Just patiently listen to her and send her away.”

Doctor #2: *walks in and looks at me* “Oh my gosh! She needs to go to the ICU.”

(I went to the ICU. I made a full recovery, and my asthma was well controlled after I was diagnosed.)

A Slight Wrinkle In The Application

, , , , | Right | December 7, 2017

(My sister is a counter manager in a department store for a mid-level makeup brand. One day, a customer comes in to return an anti-aging serum.)

Customer: “I need to return this. It’s making me sick.”

Sister: “Do you mean it’s causing a rash?”

Customer: “No, it’s making me physically ill!”

Sister: *now really confused* “Are you having an allergic reaction?”

Customer: “No, I get sick to my stomach every time I take it!”

Sister: “What do you mean, ‘when you take it’? How are you using this?”

(It turned out the customer had been SWALLOWING the serum. The directions for use on the bottle clearly said to rub a couple drops of it into one’s face, but she skipped the reading part, saw the medicine dropper attached to the cap used to measure it out, and decided that meant it was to be swallowed. She had been ingesting this serum twice a day for a couple of weeks before she’d had enough, because it wasn’t fixing her wrinkles!)

Just Another Pain That Gay People Suffer

, , , , | Learning | December 5, 2017

Friend: “Can I try something with you?”

Me: “What is it?”

(She grabs my arm and I pull back. I see something shiny in her hand and lean away from her as much as I can.)

Me: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Friend: “I wanted to poke you with a needle.”

Me: “WHY?!”

Friend: “Because I read that gay people have an autonomic response that stops them bleeding.”

Me: “Where the h*** did you read that, 4chan?!”

Friend: “Yahoo.”

Me: “Well, it’s wrong. Completely wrong!”

(She tried to convince me to do it, but I flat out refused and moved to another seat. There were two other gay people in our lecture that we both knew about. I heard one of them yelp a few minutes later. I wish I was joking…)

Periodically Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 3, 2017

(For the past few months, I have been having heavy periods and horrific pain, so bad that I ended up going to A&E twice in one week. Eventually, I get a gynaecology appointment, a month after my emergency trips, though at a hospital I have never been to. However, it is the earliest available date and I need it. After a few questions…)

Doctor: “Do you use birth control?”

Me: “No. I’ve never had sex. It causes me so much pain that I have to stop immediately. I can’t even have physical examinations, because the smallest equipment hurts so much.”

Doctor: “Is there any chance that you are pregnant?”

Me: “…”

(I’m now waiting for another appointment to pop up.)

Makes You Want To Take Medical Leave

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(Our manager is taken sick at work and we have to call an ambulance. As a result, we’re closing early. Although we’ve put signs up, no one reads them, so I am standing at the door asking people not to come inside. Our shop is in the same building as a bookshop, which is remaining open.)

Me: “Sorry, guys, we’re closing early today, due to our manager being unwell.”

Customer: “I just want a hot chocolate.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closing, and all the machines are being turned off.”

(As she is launching into a rant, the ambulance pulls up and paramedics go inside.)

Customer: “But I want a hot chocolate! No one else sells this hot chocolate! Can’t you just pour out some you’ve already made?”

Me: “We don’t have any made up right now; everything has been cleared away.”

(She looks at the sign, which says the bookshop is remaining open.)

Customer: “Where is [Bookshop] then?”

Me: “It’s just next door.”

(She peers through the door at the displays.)

Customer: “Oh. I thought you were trying to help me find another cafe. The least you could do is put a sign up.”

(She walked away in a huff, and people kept coming to the door and asking why we were closed, even whilst they could see the paramedics inside!)

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