There’s An Issue But You Can’t Put Your Finger On It

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

My friend works as a carpenter. He builds patios for people and cuts everything on site. A customer insists on making conversation as my friend is cutting the wood. My friend responds occasionally to be polite but hopes the client takes the hint because he really shouldn’t be distracted.

Finally, my friend looks at the client as he’s addressing him and accidentally saws off the tip of his index finger. He shuts off the saw, still in shock. Both my friend and client stand still in shock for a minute or two.

Client: “Uh… Do you need a bandaid?”

Friend: “No… I need you to call the ambulance.”

Client: *After a minute* “Okay! I think I have a bandaid in the house!”

Friend:Call. The. Ambulance!”

Client: “I’ll get you a bandaid!”

The client ran back into the house. My friend ended up calling for an ambulance himself. Luckily, they managed to save the finger and reattach it. He’s now a chef and runs his own restaurant.

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A Tale Of Two Customers

, , , , , , , , | Right | June 13, 2020

A customer enters her local grocery store, notes all of the changes that have been made recently to keep customers and staff safe due to the health crisis, and follows all of the guidelines. After paying for her purchases, she tells the cashier:

Customer #1: “I just want to say that you guys are doing a wonderful job. I know this can’t be easy.”

The cashier beams and thanks her.

[Customer #2] enters the same grocery store to look for yeast. She is unable to find any, since it has become a hot commodity, so she wants to leave the store. She discovers that doing so without actually going through the checkout is extremely difficult, due to many of the usual egresses being blocked.

In her confusion, she goes the wrong way down an aisle. In other words, the aisle has clear “WALK IN THIS DIRECTION” arrows on the floor, and she forgets to check them. Another customer barks at her.

Other Customer: “You’re going the wrong way!”

[Customer #2] yelps in distress, almost in tears:

Customer #2: “I’m just trying to GET OUT OF HERE!”

An employee comes along and helps her out of the store. She practically runs out the door, face burning.

Reader, both of those customers were me. I wish I could say that I’m sorry to the people who witnessed the second situation!

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Melt Your Hands, Bleach Your Brain

, , , , , , | Working | June 12, 2020

We are currently in the middle of Big Viral Outbreak 2020, and my office is one of the few still open and “fully” functional — in quotes because there’s always someone out in quarantine, folks working from home, cubicles emptied and rearranged for social distancing, etc.

We’ve got an overall open floor plan with low, glass cubicle walls, and during slow periods in the afternoon, there’s a bit of chatting. During one such time, this gem occurs.

Coworker #1: “Yeah, my hands have just been so dry and itchy lately.”

Coworker #2: “I know! Just constantly washing my hands and everything, it’s terrible.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, I can’t get up and wash my hands every ten minutes, so I’ve just been using these disinfecting wipes.”

Me: “Wait, what? Which wipes?”

She holds up a pack of disinfecting wipes. A mixture of laughter and shocked noises erupts.

Coworker #3: “Well, that could be why your hands are so messed up!”

Coworker #1: “What?! It’s just sanitizer, like Purell!”

Me: “No, it’s bleach. Congratulations, you’ve melted your skin!”

We finally got her convinced that “hand sanitizer” and “surface disinfectant” were different things, and not to use bleach wipes on her hands.

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What A Bloody Nuisance

, , , , , | Working | June 11, 2020

I have recurring nosebleeds which more or less start within fifteen minutes of noon. It’s so consistent that my file has a note against it that I should have my break around that time to avoid problems.

Today is no different, and I am running down the office with a tissue in hand in case of spillage. I run towards the toilet which is next to the staff room. A new employee leaves the staff room and glares at me. I try to say it’s just a nosebleed, but he full-on sprints out of the office, screaming, before I get the chance to.

As I walk past the staff room, I hear a couple of the women cackling.

Me: “What was that about?”

Woman #1: “Get cleaned up and we’ll tell you.”

I’m back a few minutes later. 

Woman #1: “So, the new guy has been a bit of a b**** with everyone.”

Woman #2: “He told HR this morning that I was bullying him. All I did was ask if he could photocopy something for me.”

Woman #1: “So, we thought we’d get our own back. We knew you would be coming down, probably with a nosebleed, so we pretended to be demons.”

Me: “Okay…”

Woman #2: “He didn’t believe us, so we pretended to smell virgin blood. He still didn’t believe us, so we told him to go check.”

Me: “So, you’ve used me to probably traumatise him?”

Woman #1: “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty harsh!”

They weren’t in any way guilty for it, but they did promise never to use me to their advantage again. I was going to tell HR at lunch, but the new employee had beat me to it, clocking on that it was probably a joke. [Woman #2] was dismissed and [Woman #1] suspended. The new employee still works here and he finds it funny now that he understands that I do actually get nosebleeds. He even feels guilty about [Woman #2], but not enough to help get her job back.

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How Is She Going To Eat It?

, , , , , , , , | Right | June 11, 2020

A coworker is on the phone with a lady ordering pizza. She can barely understand the customer; her voice is muffled.

Coworker: “Ma’am, are you wearing a mask?”

Customer: “Yes. I don’t want to get corona from you.”

I’m surprised that the lady didn’t want the pizza faxed to her.

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