(A resident rolls up to my desk in her wheelchair to ask a question.)

Resident: “It’s written on my coat… my defecation…” *trails off*

Me: *blink* “Your… what now?”

Resident: “My name and… my phone number… My defecation is on my coat.”

(I remember a coworker saying something about someone missing their coat so I take a shot.)

Me: “We’ll find it [Resident]; don’t worry!”

Resident: “Oh, thank you! My defecation is on it…”

(She honest-to-God kept saying, “defecation,” but I hope she meant identification. I pity who finds the coat if she really did mean defecation.)

(I work in a home for the elderly. I have to help an elderly woman to change seats because her left arm and leg are paralyzed. She can stand as long as she holds on to somebody. While I’m transferring her into her wheelchair, she holds onto my neck and by doing so she chokes me. Getting out of breath, I quickly set her into her wheelchair. After catching my breath I talk to her.)

Me: “Miss [Woman], you were choking me.”

Woman: “Oh, sorry. I’ll leave that to your girlfriend.”

(After that I had to catch my breath again from laughing too much.)

(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

(My twin brother is mentally handicapped, so he lives in a complex which provides housing and work for people like him. One day, I am visiting. His roommates are watching a reality show about driving. The most talkative roommate starts chatting with me.)

Me: “Those people are making a mess of it, aren’t they?”

Roommate: “Yes. I once saw a car that was wrongly parked.”

Me: “Oh, did you?”

Roommate: “Yeah. So I put a note on it, ‘Sir, you are not allowed to park here.’”

Me: “Ha! Serves him right.”

Roommate: “And then I slashed all four of his tires.”

(I work in an assisted living facility. Today we’re getting a new resident. This resident has a short, but easy-to-misspell last name, so my coworker uses her version of the phonetic alphabet over the phone to tell me how it’s spelled. For the purpose of anonymity, we’ll say the name is Hasc.)

Coworker: “Okay, it’s H as in ‘H***,’ A as in ‘A**,’ S as in ‘S***,’ C as in ‘C***.’”

Me: *laughing like an idiot* “Really, [Coworker]?”

Coworker: “Hey, you’ll never forget it!”