Doubling Down On Saving Paper

, , , , , | Working | July 10, 2018

(I’ve been training a new coworker to work the front desk. One of her tasks will be printing certain documents, most of them two-sided, because we’re trying to save paper. I come back to the desk, after leaving her alone for the first time for just a few minutes.)

Coworker: “I printed out those documents you said to do, but I forgot to do them two-sided like you said, so I did it again.”

Me: “You did it again?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I threw out the first ones and printed them out again double-sided to save paper.”

(She holds up the new prints, looking very proud of herself.)

Me: *barely stops mouth from gaping open like a fish* “Yeah, that’s… that’s not how saving paper works.”

The Adventures Of Man-Bear

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work a volunteer job at a retirement home. The people living here usually aren’t problematic, but visitors can be. I am helping the cafeteria with another volunteer, a quiet bear-type who looks like he’s only there to find his WWE membership card. It’s busy and every table is packed; I’m running around trying to get residents seated on tables that only have one or two other residents. I see a table coming free, so I go to the entrance where an elderly couple is making their way over to said table, to guide them there. Two guys who are obviously not visiting anyone take the table. This happens often, as our prices are way lower than a cafe, so people take advantage.)

Me: “Sir, could you please leave the table? We give residents priority.”

Customer #1: “No, they should have been faster.”

Me: “Sir, these people are well over 80 and 90 years old, respectively. I’m asking you to leave the table.”

Customer #2: “Well, we were here earlier; go dump them somewhere else and bring us two coffees.”

(I’m too shocked to form a reply, but then I hear chairs scraping and see my man-bear coworker helping the couple to take a seat.)

Customer #2: “Hey, what the h*** are you doing? We were here first; get them out of here and get us our coffee!”

(My coworker walks over to the pair, and places his hands on the back of their necks.)

Coworker: “You two are not here to visit residents, are too cheap to go to a café, and are very rude to my coworker and our residents. She asked you to leave, and now I’m telling you: leave, or I’ll make you.”

Customer #1: “Go ahead and try; I’ll call your manager and have you fired.”

Coworker: *begins lifting both men from their seats* “Well, too bad I value our residents over a volunteer job.”

(He drags them to the exit where he drops them — literally. The two get back up, but by now a couple of nurses, volunteers, and half our visitors are up and looking at them.)

Customer #2: “I’m going to call the cops on you guys! I’ll have this whole place closed down!”

(My coworker went back to the counter, took off his jacket, and asked me what the couple ordered. Then, he paid for their order and made me a coffee to get over the experience. He was later called in by the director, lightly scolded for getting physical, then commended for protecting the residents. He’s still working with us, and he’s really cool.)

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This Meeting Is DOA

, , , , , , | Working | July 5, 2018

(I work the front desk. As part of our ongoing safety training, we do storm drills at the beginning of spring and throughout the season. The maintenance manager asks me to call out such a drill.)

Me: *on the overhead* “Code Yellow drill, Code Yellow drill. All staff please report to the lobby.”

(The manager and I wait a few minutes, watching people show up. After a few minutes, we figure everyone’s there, and he’s about to start his safety talk when a couple other employees walk up.)

Me: “Too late! You’re dead!”

Manager: “Yep. Blown off to Kansas.”

(The employees start to walk away.)

Me: “Hey! Not too dead to miss the meeting!”

(Everyone laughed as they came back.)

Don’t Leave ‘Em Hanger-ing

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2018

(I’m a receptionist at a nursing home. On this day, all of the administrative staff has gone home on time, so the only staff are maintenance, dining staff, the nurses, and me. I am alone at the front desk when I see the hanger tag on my shirt hanging out for the thousandth time. Seeing as no one else is around, I grab a pair of scissors and cut one side off. I look around again and start cutting the other side, except this side will not cut. As I’m struggling with a pair of scissors by my face, the maintenance man rounds the corner.)

Maintenance: “What are you doing?!”

Me: “Trying to cut the stupid hanger tag off my shirt, but our scissors suck.”

Maintenance: “Do you want some help?”

Me: “Sure!”

Maintenance: “Here, I’ll try it with my knife.”

(Just as he finishes sawing the tag off with his knife, one of the waitresses comes around the corner, and her eyes bulge.)

Me: “It’s not what it looks like! He was cutting the stupid hanger thing off my shirt for me.”

Waitress: “Oooh! God, I hate those stupid things, too.”

Treating Your Colleagues Like Poop

, , , , | Working | June 25, 2018

(My coworker comes up and asks if the mail’s been sent out yet. I tell her it hasn’t, and she hands me a small cardboard envelope.)

Coworker: “Can you mail this out, please?”

Me: *taking it* “Sure. Ooh, it’s squishy.”

Coworker: “Yeah.” *laughs* “It’s a fecal sample.”

(With a look of horror, I drop the envelope on my desk, wildly wiping my hands off*.)

Coworker: *laughing* “It’s in something!”

Me: “Not enough somethings! God, [Coworker]!”

(Granted, I didn’t get anything on me, and it was perfectly sealed, but still! Warn a girl, jeez!)

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