Our store has just fully reopened after lockdowns, but management is mandating that customers be vaccinated. Of course, this goes down with certain groups of the population about as well as can be expected.

Customer: “You can’t force me to take a vaccine!” 

Manager: “No one is forcing you, ma’am, but we also don’t have to let you into the store.”

Customer: “It’s my right as an American to go where I please without being forced to be vaccinated!”

Manager: “This store is private property, ma’am, and we can exercise our right to deny you entry.”

Customer: “Freedom has been a right in this country since 1776! Vaccinations are an attack on those freedoms! George Washington is turning in his grave right now!”

Manager: “George Washington made Congress force all his troops in the Revolutionary War to be inoculated against smallpox, ma’am. Please try again.”

I’m selling art by local artists, and one of my larger pieces is an interpretation of Adam and Eve. I grew up in a very strict religious household and was able to escape that particular religion. As a result, my Bible knowledge is quite strong. Also, as the owner of my own market stall, I can be honest with customers who irk me.

Customer: “Why are they Black?” 

Me: “Because the artist chose to interpret them as Black. But to be fair, it’s a pretty fair interpretation considering where most events in the Bible took place.”

Customer: “But that’s blasphemous! Adam and Eve weren’t Black!” 

Me: “What were they, then?”

Customer: “Well…”

Me: “You think they were white?”

Customer: “All the pictures I’ve seen of them they’re white!”

Me: “You mean paintings? As in artist interpretations? Like this one?”

Customer: “But they weren’t African!”

Me: “They weren’t European, either. And it’s the general consensus that all of humanity originated from Africa anyway.” 

Customer: “You mean that evolution bulls***? No. I’m gonna stick with the Holy Bible on this.”

Me: “So, you’re going with the Garden of Eden? Which was located near the Tigris and Euphrates River? So, the Middle East? Yes, lots of white people from there.”

Customer: “I thought you were trying to sell this painting?” 

Me: “Were you ever going to buy it?”

Customer: “Adam and Eve weren’t Black!” *Storms off* 

The painting was eventually sold to a church for their Sunday school! I hope that the next generation of Christians does better.

Waaaaaaay back in the stone age, with the Internet just becoming a thing, I worked in a library. A patron in his twenties said to me:

Patron: “You must be thrilled. With the Internet, you will never have to answer reference questions again. All books will be on the computer, and you won’t have to buy books for the library.”

He went on to list a bunch of reasons why we should essentially be delighted over the potential for losing our jobs.

My coworker piped up.

Coworker: “I assume you will be thrilled to pay our monthly unemployment checks or our welfare checks if we can’t find jobs?”

Mr. Thrilled looked at us in confusion.

Patron: “You’d lose your job because you wouldn’t have to do any of these chores?”

Me: “Dude, that is our job.”

He looked surprised, and then pensive, and then finally said:

Patron: “Gee, I hadn’t thought of that!”

Clearly, dude. Clearly.

I retired after thirty-seven years. We still answer reference questions because humans are still unable to sort through the enormous amounts of information — real and not so much — on the ‘net. People cannot figure out when they are reading parody accounts. People can read but cannot interpret what they have read.

And, most of all, a lot of people, many of them born after the birth of Google, cannot figure out how to use the computer, fill out a form, or create a password.

I would like to believe libraries are safe for another thousand years.

Caller: “Why have I been charged an international rate?” 

Me: “It looks like you called Canada, sir.”

Caller: “Yes, but that’s not international!”

Me: “I’m afraid it is, sir. Canada is another country.”

Caller: “It’s not part of the United States?” 

Me: “No, sir.” 

Caller: “Since when?”

Me: “Since… well, ever. There was a war about it in 1812.” 

Caller: “Oh… I must have missed it on the news.”

Related:
Blame Canada! Part 14
Blame Canada! Part 13
Blame Canada! Part 12
Blame Canada! Part 11
Blame Canada! Part 10

I once worked at a restaurant on a Viking island called Birka in Sweden. I was serving food like I’d always done since the start of the summer when this middle-aged man turned up from nowhere with a quite disappointed look.

Customer: “Isn’t the food supposed to taste… less? I hardly think that Vikings had access to spices overall, being Nordic.”

I had no idea what to answer. I was in no mood to give a lecture explaining how many places the Vikings raided — a lot.

Me: “Do you want the same meal but with fewer spices?”

Customer: “God, no! Otherwise, it wouldn’t taste of anything!”

I’m still confused.

Related:
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 28
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 27
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 26
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 25
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 24