We’re Meeting At Gettysburg – You Got The Address?

, , , , , , | Learning | February 16, 2019

(We’re learning about the Civil War.)

Student: “So, how did the two sides always end up at the same place? Did they, like, call each other on the phone and say, ‘Hey, you want to fight at Gettysburg tomorrow?'”

(Pretty sure that second part was facetious. It was a valid question!)

They Are Being Stamp Nazis

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2019

(I’m at the exit of a trade fair, stamping people who go out for a smoke or some other reason and then want to get back in. This is because people might go out and give their badge to someone else. In that case, people could get in for free. However, lots of people tend to resist it. Some in very rude ways.)

Visitor: “No, I don’t want a stamp, I’m not an animal. I’ll stay inside, then. It reminds me too much of World War Two!”

(Only minutes later it dawned on me that the lady was comparing my job to the Holocaust and mass murder!)

Harriet Tubman Got Up To A Lot More Than You Realize

, , , , , | Learning | December 29, 2018

(I’m a teacher. My sophomore students are writing cause/effect essays about incidents of civil disobedience. The following are comments I’ve had to make on various rough drafts.)

Me, in response to Student #1: “I’m afraid Susan B. Anthony did not vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, because Anthony had been dead for over a century.”

Me, in response to Student #2: “Even though President and Mrs. Obama don’t live in the White House anymore, that doesn’t mean they are dead.”

Me, in response to Student #3: “While slaves were abused in horrific ways, they were not sprayed from above with chemicals, because airplanes didn’t exist before or during the Civil War.”

Student #3: “Harriet Tubman ended slavery because she caused global warming, starting back in the ninth century with the fall of the Roman Empire…”

Me: “I don’t even know where to begin… Just… No.”

Been Taking Too Many Mushrooms From The Mushroom Kingdom

, , , , | Right | December 18, 2018

(I work in a retro gaming store. We sell both modern consoles and retro consoles. I am working in the retro department when a middle-aged female customer comes up to the desk. We don’t complete purchases, just advise and assist customers.)

Customer: “I am looking for a Zelda or Mario game for the PlayStation 2.”

Me: “Ma’am, those characters are property of Nintendo; the PlayStation 2 is made by Sony a competitor.”

Customer: “Yes, but I used to play Zelda and Mario as a child. You wouldn’t know anything about old consoles; you are too young.”

(I am a 20-plus-year-old guy who, thanks to a short height and a clean shave, looks like I’m 16. I grew up with the NES and SNES and other consoles due to my mother playing them, and they still work.)

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you I still own almost every console that is for sale here and play them regularly. Now, would you like me to look for games that are Mario or Zelda-like for the PlayStation?”

Customer: *huffs* “Well, if you don’t have them as you ‘acclaim’ I’ll have to look for them myself.”

(She walks to the Xbox Classic section of the store.)

Me: “[Coworker], could… could you explain to her that the PlayStation 2 games are here… I’m gonna take my five now.”

The Name That Launched A Thousand Rebuttals

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 4, 2018

(I have just had my first child and am visiting my parent’s place. My brother’s friend and his wife are also visiting.)

Friend: “Hi, [My Name], I heard you had a baby.”

(I show my daughter to him.)

Friend: “Ooh, she’s tiny. What did you call her?”

Me: “Her name is Cassandra.”

Friend: “What sort of name is that? I hate these modern made-up names. Just because you can make up a name, it doesn’t mean you should be able to use it. You should just give her a traditional name, a name that’s been around for years.”

Me: “Three thousand years isn’t long enough for you?”

Friend: “Yeah, sure, three thousand years. How come I’ve never heard of it?”

Me: “Ever heard of the Trojan wars? Helen of Troy?”

Friend: “Of course I have, but what’s that got to do with what you named your daughter?”

Me: “Cassandra was Paris’s sister; it’s a Greek name.”

Friend: “But Paris is in France; why would it have a sister, and why would you choose a [racial slur] name?”

(I am speechless. Just then his wife comes up to us.)

Wife: “Oh, for God’s sake, [Friend], will you stop being a f****** s***head?! Cassandra is a lovely name. Sorry about that [My Name]; I’ll take my idiot of a husband home.”

Friend: “But it’s not a real name.”

Wife: *dragging him out the door and screaming at him* “WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP?!”

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