Like many people, I remember where I was on September 11^th, 2001. I was at work, at a call center, dealing with delivery enquiries at an international logistics company.

This call took place the day after:

Caller: “I was meant to receive my package yesterday, but the tracking information says it’s delayed.”

Me: “Yes, sir, due to all US flights being grounded, we will be experiencing delays while we deal with the backlog. Flights are still grounded, so there is little we can do until—”

Caller: “That thing is still going on?! That was yesterday!”

There’s still smoke coming from the rubble of the buildings…

Me: “Sir, until the FAA allows flights to resume, we cannot ship any items across the country or internationally. You’ll have to be patient and bear with us until—”

Caller: “—What will your company do to compensate me for my losses?”

Me: “If you’d like to cancel your item free of charge, we can do that.”

Caller: “That’s all you’re offering me for my losses?”

Me: “Sir, I think in the grand scheme of things, a lot more people lost a lot more than you did yesterday.”

Related:
(Ground) Zero Empathy, Part 2
(Ground) Zero Empathy

We’re watching a movie as a family. It’s “Inglorious Basterds” this night, and we’ve reached an end scene where they drive Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz’s villain character) from Germany into “US Territory.”

Sister: “Wait? They drove from Germany into the USA?”

Dad: “No, US Territ—”

Sister: “—Was World War Two when all the continents were together?”

Dad: “To… geth… er?”

Me: “Wait, [Sister], are you talking about Pangaea?”

Sister: “Yeah! That one!”

Me: “Pangaea was hundreds of millions of years ago.”

Sister: “Oh… what war were we fighting back then?”

I’m a teacher, trying to get my kids to learn something about dictators.

Me: “Okay, so you’re all going to have a debate, and each one of you is gonna be a historical dictator. Take a piece of paper from the pile and read out your name.”

Student #1: *Takes paper.* “I’m Mussolini.”

Student #2: *Takes paper.* “I’m Mao Zedong.”

Student #3: *Takes paper, says nothing.*

Me: “Say your name, [Student #3].”

Student #3: “…”

Me: “[Student #3], your name, please?”

Student #3: “…”

Me: “[Student #3]?”

Student #3: “Oh, I’m sorry… I was just… ‘Stalin‘.”

Based on the groans of the classroom, we had already witnessed our first crime against humanity.

Coworker: “Did Hitler have a last name, or was it just one name, like Madonna?”

Me: “Just the one name. Like Obama.”

Coworker: “Ah, okay. Is that like a world leader thing?”

I’m talking to a friend about his recent trip to The Science Museum in London.

Friend: “My nephew wanted to get a big poster of The Peruvian Man, but his mum said no because of the nudity.”

Me: “The what, man?”

Friend: “The Peruvian Man. You know, the naked bloke who does this.”

He does a t-shape pose.

Me: “Do you mean the Vitruvian Man?”

Friend: “Yeah, that one by Michelangelo or whatever.”

Me: “Leonardo da Vinci.”

Friend: “Yeah… one of the ninja turtles.”