So That’s How He Ended Up On So Many Hundreds…

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

When I am at a physical therapy session, two of the other patients start a political debate. I know better than to get involved, but I do hear this gem.

Patient: “Look at Benjamin Franklin! He invented the printing press, then he could get all the money from making the printing press and pursue his life’s work, like inventing the lightbulb.”

I was vastly amused, after I got done being appalled that a woman in her thirties could be so ignorant.

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She Is Suffering From An Acute Case Of Being A Karen

, , , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2020

Our store is enforcing strict social distancing measures: mandatory masks, one-way system, hand sanitizer, etc. I am at the customer service desk serving an old man who is wearing a mask when I see a woman enter the store who isn’t wearing one. Since I am the closest member of staff, I call out.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am? You need to wear a mask if you’d like to shop in-store today.”

She looks at me as if I’ve just cursed her mother and sneers.

Customer: “No way in h*** am I putting one of those on my face! I am medically exempt! My lungs can’t handle them!”

While some states have made lists of medical exemptions for wearing masks, ours has not, and our corporate policy is that everyone wears a mask, no exceptions. 

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I am going to have to insist. You must wear a mask to shop in our stores.”

She just huffs and marches into the store, ignoring me. I call the security guy and relay the information before returning to my patient older gentleman who has been waiting.

A few minutes later, I see the woman storming up to my desk, enraged. The security guard is close behind her.

Customer: “How dare you call security on me?! I have a medical condition! I have bad lungs! I don’t have to wear a mask! I am going to take your name and get you fired! This is harassment!”

Old Man: “Oh, shut up, lady!”

Customer: “What did you say to me?!”

Old Man: “Lady, I grew up in London when it was being bombed by the Nazis. We had to wear heavy masks for days in case they used poison gas; at the same time, I had to clear away rubble from my neighborhood. If you can’t wear a light piece of cloth for twenty minutes, then you’ve never known harassment in your entire God-d*** life. Now f*** off!”

The woman has tried to interrupt this old man but he wasn’t having any of it. When he finally finishes, she starts loudly screaming more obscenities, but the security guard is already escorting her from the building. The old man turns back to me.

Old Man: “For someone with ‘bad lungs’…”

He didn’t have to finish the sentence as we both smiled.

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Most Concierges Get A Call For A Different Kind Of Taxi Driver

, , , , , | Right | July 20, 2020

This is in the early 2000s, so none of us have smartphones, and while we all have Internet on our computers at school, nobody brought a computer with them. We are in a hotel for a school event. It is well after lights outs and my roommates and I are “sleeping”. So, our conversation is odd, and what follows makes perfect sense at the time.

Roommate #1: “It’s like that guy that tried to kill Reagan to impress the actress from Taxi Driver.”

Roommate #2: “Yeah, exactly! Just like… s***, what’s that guy’s name?”

Roommate #3: “Jodie Foster?”

Me: “No, that’s the actress. The guy was… f***, I can’t remember, either.”

Roommate #1: “It’s gonna bug me until we remember.”

Roommate #2: “Oh, I know!”

[Roommate #2] grabs the room phone.

Roommate #2: “Hello. I know this isn’t in your job description, but can you tell us the name of the guy that tried to kill Reagan?” *Pauses* “John Hinkley. Thank you so much.”

Roommate #3: “Who did you call?”

Roommate #2: “The concierge.”

Telling this story to the rest of the group started a new tradition of trying to find a question that would stump the concierge at any hotel we stayed at. We’d always leave a tip for the night shift concierge when we checked out.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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They Didn’t Die For Your Right To Demand A Burger

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2020

I worked at a fast food place as a teenager. I was working on Remembrance Sunday, and at 11:00 am, we held a two-minute silence to remember those who fought in the wars. There were signs up in the restaurant to tell customers that this would be happening, and most customers were joining in with the silence.

But there was one gentleman who so desperately wanted his burger that he banged his fist on the counter, demanded to know why I wouldn’t serve him, and began to swear. I quietly told him about the silence and that I would be with him as soon as it was over. Well, that wasn’t good enough; he continued to swear, stomp his feet, and sigh loudly until he decided less than one minute remaining was too long to wait and stormed out. 

Such a nice bloke.

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Dropping A Conversational Bomb

, , , , , , | Right | July 6, 2020

This story happens in the early 2000s. I am backpacking through Germany, and I have a few days in Berlin before I move on. I decide to take a bus tour of the city, having never been there before.

On the bus tour, the tour guide is a man who appears to be in his twenties or early thirties. Most of the bus is filled with a group of elderly British men and women. The bus pulls away from the curb, the tour guide introduces himself, and then he asks if anyone has been to Berlin before. 

All of the British men raise their hands.

Guide: “Wow, this is more than usual. When were you all here?”

The British men mumble among themselves for a few seconds.

British Man #1: “Well, if it’s all right with you… we would rather not go into detail.”

Guide: “Oh, come on. Please, share your experiences.”

British Man #2: “If you insist. We were all in the Royal Air Force Bomber Command during the Second World War. We flew bombing raids over Berlin, and other cities, of course.”

British Man #3: “We’ve all seen documentaries about old soldiers who travel to their battlefields one last time, so… here we are.”

The tour guide is at first caught off guard by this response, but he recovers brilliantly.

Guide: “Then I believe we have you, gentlemen, to thank for Berlin being such a unique mix of the ancient and the modern! I do hope you enjoy seeing the city from the ground this time!”

Best bus tour ever. Every time the tour guide pointed out a historic building or landmark, the British gentlemen would share stories about the times they used those buildings as guides and targets for their bombing runs. The tour guide genuinely enjoyed having someone who could share so much insight into what was already a key piece of his lectures, and hearing so many different perspectives and stories made the tour well worth it for the rest of us, as well. I’m pretty sure the tour guide earned at least ten times his normal tips for that tour.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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