She Is Not A National Treasure

, , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

(It is the Fourth of July weekend, and the SPCA in our town is running an adoption special. All adult dogs are $17.76 to adopt in honor of the holiday. I volunteer at this shelter, and my boyfriend and I have come to visit the dogs frequently. We’ve finally found one we love and fits with us, and we’re signing the adoption papers. This conversation happens with another member of the public at the front desk.)

Shelter Staff: “There you go, [My Name]! I’m so happy you guys finally found a dog you love, and for a great price!”

Me: “Yeah, Brandy is a great dog, and we can use the money we’re saving on her adoption fee to buy more stuff to spoil her with!”

Teenager: *standing in the lobby looking at the cats hanging out in a cage there* “How much are dogs this weekend?”

Shelter Staff: “They’re only $17.76 to adopt adult dogs! Did you want to look at one?”

Teenager: “I don’t get it. Why is it $17.76; is there tax or something?”

Me: “No… It’s Independence Day. $17.76 like the year? 1776? Declaration of Independence?”

Teenager: “Oh! Like that Nicolas Cage movie!”

Torpedoed The Ending To That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 11, 2019

(My grandfather was in the merchant marines during the Second World War. Occasionally, we’re reminded of how interesting his life has been.)

Grandpa: “There was this one time we were in Curacao and this Nazi U-boat fired a torpedo at us.”

Me: “That’s amazing. You never told me that.”

Grandpa: “It’s not that exciting. I mean, they missed.”

We’re Meeting At Gettysburg – You Got The Address?

, , , , , , | Learning | February 16, 2019

(We’re learning about the Civil War.)

Student: “So, how did the two sides always end up at the same place? Did they, like, call each other on the phone and say, ‘Hey, you want to fight at Gettysburg tomorrow?'”

(Pretty sure that second part was facetious. It was a valid question!)

They Are Being Stamp Nazis

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2019

(I’m at the exit of a trade fair, stamping people who go out for a smoke or some other reason and then want to get back in. This is because people might go out and give their badge to someone else. In that case, people could get in for free. However, lots of people tend to resist it. Some in very rude ways.)

Visitor: “No, I don’t want a stamp, I’m not an animal. I’ll stay inside, then. It reminds me too much of World War Two!”

(Only minutes later it dawned on me that the lady was comparing my job to the Holocaust and mass murder!)

Harriet Tubman Got Up To A Lot More Than You Realize

, , , , , | Learning | December 29, 2018

(I’m a teacher. My sophomore students are writing cause/effect essays about incidents of civil disobedience. The following are comments I’ve had to make on various rough drafts.)

Me, in response to Student #1: “I’m afraid Susan B. Anthony did not vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, because Anthony had been dead for over a century.”

Me, in response to Student #2: “Even though President and Mrs. Obama don’t live in the White House anymore, that doesn’t mean they are dead.”

Me, in response to Student #3: “While slaves were abused in horrific ways, they were not sprayed from above with chemicals, because airplanes didn’t exist before or during the Civil War.”

Student #3: “Harriet Tubman ended slavery because she caused global warming, starting back in the ninth century with the fall of the Roman Empire…”

Me: “I don’t even know where to begin… Just… No.”

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