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Probably Should’ve Seen That Coming

, , , , , | Healthy Working | May 18, 2022

I work in an optometrist’s office.

Customer: “Hi. You do glasses repairs, right? The wire snapped. Can you repair it now?”

She takes off her glasses and hands them to me. She has half-frames that use something like a fishing wire to hold the lens inside the frame, and one side has snapped. Hot glue is holding the lens to the frame, but it’s clearly just a temporary fix.

Me: “Oh, yeah, this just needs a new wire fed through. It’s a fifteen-minute job.”

Customer: “Great.”

She then sits at one of the seats, apparently content in waiting

Me: “Uh. Ma’am, you can leave and come back? If you like, you can give me your phone number and I’ll call you when I’m done.”

Customer: “You have my glasses.”

Me: “Yep, I’m just fixing them now. But you don’t need to wait.”

Customer: “I can’t even see the doorway.”

Me: “Oh!”

It actually took twenty-five minutes. The customer waited patiently, paid properly, and then left through the door without any problems.

Oh, Sure, That Sounds Smart

, , , , , | Working | May 17, 2022

My job seeking advisor once told me about a guy who failed his medical exam. He had applied to work on an offshore oil driller platform. He smoked about twenty cigarettes a day and was asked if he was willing to quit smoking. He said no and, therefore, failed the exam.

He even complained, saying that they should have a smoking room for smokers.

Usually, When They Shout They Have The Right, They Have The Wrong

, , , , , | Right | May 17, 2022

I’m bagging as usual when I am asked to move to a busier lane. Once there, I get surprised as a woman nearby suddenly starts yelling at one of my managers.

Customer: “How dare you? I’m your best customer and you treat me like this! I have a mask exception!” *Waves a small card around* “It’s from the department of masks!

My manager continues to try to calm her down and deescalate the situation, but even if he let her just go without a mask, she wouldn’t hear him at this point.

As she storms out of the building, she cries out this gem:

Customer: “Besides, it’s my right!”

Either she was the worst actor ever, or she had no intention to hide that she was lying about having a medical condition.

An Expert On Eyes, Blind To Potential Consequences

, , , | Healthy | May 17, 2022

This happened when I was still a med student. We were learning how to perform an opthalmoscopy, which is an examination of the retina, optic disc, etc. To do so, you normally have to use eye drops to dilate the pupil and then look at the back of the eye with a lamp. As he explains all this to us, the ophthalmologist spots my eyes.

Ophthalmologist: “Oh! Wow! You have such large pupils! That’s rare, but very useful for us! Are you okay with letting your classmates practice on you? That way, we won’t have to use the eye drops!”

Me: *Thinking this won’t take very long* “Uh, sure, okay!”

How wrong I was. What follows is literally thirty minutes of people lighting lamps directly into my eyes. The ophthalmologist encourages them to practice more, gushing about how useful it is to have a student with such large pupils! Finally…

Ophthalmologist: *Addressing me* “Oh! We only have five minutes left. You still need to take a turn, too!”

My classmates shut off their lamps and I blink, for the first time in thirty minutes not looking directly into a lamp.

Me: “Uh, sir, I’m afraid that won’t be possible.”

Ophthalmologist: “What? Why not? We didn’t use the eye drops on you!”

Me: *Still blinking* “Yes, but all I can see are dancing spots in front of my eyes.” 

Ophthalmologist: “O-oh… That could happen, I guess…” *To my classmates* “Would you mind escorting her to your next class until she can see again?”

If I ever need an ophthalmologist, I now know where NOT to go. Luckily, I was never interested in that field anyway, because I never learned to perform an opthalmoscopy.

Sorry, Mom, That Snot Happening

, , , , , , , | Right | May 16, 2022

Every year, my dad volunteers at our church’s annual summer camp for kids. On the last day of camp, they always have a big party with snow cones. Dad always volunteers to run the snow cone table.

One of the kids’ mothers is also a volunteer, and a real Helicopter Mom. Her young daughter is a little bit hyperactive and excitable. Since Helicopter Mom seems to get most of her medical advice from blogs instead of pediatricians, she’s decided that certain food additives and sweeteners are the cause of her daughter’s high energy. All camp, she’s been bringing in special snacks for her daughter, which isn’t a problem at all. Before the traditional snow cone party, Helicopter Mom announces that she is going to bring in a special syrup for her daughter since all of the snow cone flavors have artificial colors in them.

On the day of the party, Helicopter Mom shows up with a milk jug half-full of some weird homemade concoction made of corn syrup, water, and some combination of “all-natural” flavors. It’s viscous and thick, with chalky streaks of light yellow and green. Gross, but, no problem, thinks Dad; he can keep the kid’s special syrup in a little squirt bottle and set it off to the side.

Nope! Helicopter Mom doesn’t want her daughter’s special snow cone flavor in a separate bottle lest she feel singled out and discriminated! She instead takes a nearly-full jug of root beer flavor and dumps it all down the sink. She fills the pump jug with her homemade syrup and gives it to Dad. 

Later, during the party, the kids are lining up for their snow cones and telling the Dad what flavors they want. Dad’s been struggling about what to call the Mystery Syrup until he gets an inspiration:

Kid: “What flavors do you have?”

Dad: “Well, we have cherry, grape, blue raspberry…”

Kid: *Pointing at the homemade syrup* “What’s that one?”

Dad: “Uh… that’s… um… ELEPHANT SNOT!”

Kid: “EEEEEEEWWWWW!”

Dad then pumps an amount onto his gloved hand. It shoots a big, gooey glop out with a coughing sound. He squeezes it out of his fingers, and it drips out in long, sticky strings. The kids are delighted!

Dad: “EEEEEEW!

Multiple Kids: *Laughing and shrieking* “EWWWWWWW!”

Kid: “I want elephant snot!”

Dad gleefully pumps the homemade syrup onto the snow cone. The syrup spreads over the top and oozes over the ice.

Dad: “Here you go! One elephant snot snow cone!”

All The Kids: “EWWWWWWW!”

Dad had a hit! About every tenth kid asked for the elephant snot flavor, and each time, he cried out, “Elephant snot?! Ewwwwwww!” as he pumped it out. The kids who ordered it were loving all the attention they were getting from their grossed-out friends as they gleefully ate their “elephant snot” snow cones.

Everything was going great until Helicopter Mom’s group showed up with her daughter in tow. She was FURIOUS when she heard Dad call her homemade syrup “Elephant Snot.” She stormed off to complain to the pastor as dad served the kids (including a snow cone for the daughter) but Dad didn’t hear the conversation. Later, the pastor pulled Dad aside. Luckily, he had a great sense of humor about the whole debacle, but he respectfully asked Dad not to refer to the syrup as the mucus of a large mammal. Dad laughingly agreed.

Later, the Helicopter Mom was able to get her daughter some medical treatment for her daughter’s undiagnosed ADHD and loosened up quite a bit about her daughter’s snacks. We’ve not had a summer camp at the church since, but I’m wondering if elephant snot will be offered at the next snow cone party!