That Wasn’t Caused By The Food

, , , , , | Healthy | November 11, 2018

(I have just gotten off of work at a hospital and am waiting for a bus at a nearby bus station. I am wearing my uniform with the hospital’s name on it, and my ID badge which clearly says, “Culinary Services.”)

Driver: “Oh, do you work at [Hospital]?”

Me: “Yep.”

Driver: “Are you a nurse?”

Me: *laughing, pointing at my department on my ID* “No, I serve food.”

Driver: “Oh, well, I been having this problem every morning when I wake up; my chest hurts and I’m coughing.”

(She continues on, describing her symptoms in detail, including the color of her mucus. She swears she feels well otherwise, but mentions she was sick with flu-like symptoms earlier in the week.)

Me: *uncomfortable* “Well, that sucks.”

Driver: “What do you think it could be?”

Me: *my bus pulls up* “If I had to give my honest opinion, I’d say you have an URI from being sick earlier in the week. However, as I said, I’m not a medical professional, and you should probably see an actual doctor. [Hospital] has a clinic; I suggest going there.”

Victory Cream!

, , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2018

(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

 

The Only Reaction We’re Having Is Annoyance

, , , , , , | Healthy | November 9, 2018

(I work for a 24-hour emergency vet. It’s about one am; I usually get strange calls at this time of night.)

Client: “Hi. I was putting some flea medication on my dog and I think I’m having a reaction to it.”

Me: *thinking I misheard her* “Oh, he’s having a reaction to it?”

Client: “No, I am! My hands are breaking out, and I think my throat is getting tight.”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; you’ve called an animal emergency hospital!”

Client: “I know. You guys know what I need to take to fix it right?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you need to call 911 or go to your local emergency room; we only treat pets here.”

Client: “Well, that’s okay. If you guys treat pets, you know what I can take, right? I really wasn’t planning on going anywhere tonight; just tell me what medication you give to pets and I’ll just take a larger dose of it.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m sorry, but we can’t give medication advice over the phone for pets, and we definitely can’t for people! You need to call 911 or go to the emergency room!”

Client: “You’re just being no help. Do you have a number I can call a different animal hospital? I don’t have Internet, so I can’t look up anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give you another number for an animal hospital that’s open right now, but I would gladly give you directions to the emergency room closest to you! You definitely need to go to a hospital for people if you’re having a reaction, not animal hospitals.”

Client: “Fine, y’all are just no help! You know, you really should give better advice to people when they call; you are a hospital, you know! I guess I’ll just have to go to the hospital down the road and see if they can help me. I’m never calling you again!” *click*

(I was so mind-blown I had to sit and collect myself for a few minutes. She sounded like a normal, middle-aged woman, so I hope it was a prank call, but unfortunately I don’t think it was.)

Just Trouble-Shoot Me

, , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(I work in a tech support call center for a television and phone service. I get a call in around 6:50 pm.)

Caller: “I have a giant red cross in the middle of my screen.”

Me: “That means the set top box has lost its connection and probably just needs to be power-cycled.”

Caller: “I am legally blind and can only see my television because it is very large.”

(This means I can’t do any troubleshooting with her.)

Caller: “I also have congestive heart failure and need to put my feet up, and I only do that in front of the television.”

Me: “Since we are unable to do any troubleshooting, I will need to dispatch someone to help you. I can get someone out in the morning to help you get back up and running.”

(She starts screaming.)

Caller: “I KNOW THE TECH IS A LOCAL PERSON, SO DON’T YOU F****** TELL ME YOU CAN’T GET HIM OUT HERE RIGHT F****** NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but by 17:00, the technicians’ schedules are full, and they can’t take on any additional workload unless it’s life-threatening or a medical emergency.”

Caller: “It is a medical emergency because I have congestive heart failure and need to keep my legs up!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but not having television for a night is not life-threatening.”

Caller: “I HAVE HAD SOMEONE OUT HERE LATER THAN SEVEN, SO DON’T YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT YOU CAN’T!”

(I know I am just going in circles with her, and I don’t want her to have a heart attack out of television-related rage, so I get a manager on the line. He answers and I explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Well, no, we can’t send someone out after hours just to unplug her TV and plug it back in.” *sigh* “Bring her on to my line… I’ll talk to her.”

(I transferred the call, but listened in. The manager introduced himself and she then responded like the sweetest old lady ever explaining how she was “crippled,” and how “TV is her only joy now that her children are all moved away.” When told about the next-day repair, she immediately began berating him and refusing the early morning dispatch. He was eventually able to convince her to accept the next-day dispatch after getting verbally assaulted by the old woman. Upon further research, it turns out the woman DID have a tech out later one time, but that was because she had no dial tone and needed it fixed in case she needed to call 911. Long story short, if one of your three televisions is not working, it is not an emergency, no matter how much you want to watch “The Simpsons.”)

I Don’t Have The Energy To Argue

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(It’s before eight am, and I’m manning the check stand. A man walks up and starts looking at the energy shots. He starts to set down an averaged-sized bottle on the counter, then changes his mind and switches it with a large one.)

Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

Customer: *almost helplessly* “Isn’t that enough?”

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