A customer is trying to tap their credit card to pay. He’s an older fella, and the cashier is a young woman.

Cashier: “Sir, it’s asking you to insert your card and enter your PIN.”

Customer: “And I told you I don’t want to do that. Are you having trouble understanding my English?”

Cashier: “I… understand it just fine, sir. I don’t have any control over which transactions can be paid with a tap and which need a PIN inserted. That’s decided by your bank.”

Customer: “I don’t want to type in my PIN in a public space! It’s not secure!”

Cashier: “Sir, it’s more secure than simply tapping your card.”

Customer: “Shut up! I will not be told how to spend my money by a little immigrant girl.”

I’m about to step in and tell this guy to shut the f*** up, but a manager appears before I make more than a couple of steps.

Manager: “Mate! Just insert the card or use another one. Being a racist pr**k isn’t going to make the card go through.”

Customer: “It’s not racist to expect some basic English comprehension and some decent customer service, not to mention that this girl here doesn’t even know how to operate her machine! Did you know immigrants have taken all the jobs?! Did you?!”

The manager puts his finger up to his lips and does the ‘shhh’ noise, while also holding the same finger from his other hand up to the customer’s face, doubling the shushing. Then he says calmly:

Manager: “Did you know if you put your top lip and your bottom lip together, you’d shut the f*** up?”

He did shut the f*** up, as he abandoned his shopping and walked out!

I used to complain about going to Home Depot all the time with my dad because he would always just want to wander around, so he tried to compromise.

Dad: “Okay, what’s your favorite part of the store?”

Me: “The exit.”

I am shopping in the supermarket and overhear a teenage girl arguing with her mum about something.

Mom: “No, I’m not buying it. It’s too expensive!”

Teen: “Urgh! You suck!”

Mom: “If I had, you wouldn’t be here right now!”

That shut up the girl, and just about everyone else in a three-aisle radius!

Back in the late nineties, I worked at a Panera Bread. I remember when I had to go out back to ask the manager (who is very professional but also a great joker).

Me: “Hey, [Manager], can you come out front and say you’re Mr. Panera?”

Manager: “Uh… there is no Mr. Panera.”

Me: “Yeah, but this customer just said that if we didn’t refund her order, she’s gonna call Mr. Panera himself and have me fired! Apparently, he’s good friends with her husband. They even grew up together!”

Manager: *Sighs.* “Fine.”

My manager walks out to the front, sees the customer in question, and says:

Manager: “Ma’am, who is your husband? If we grew up together, he never mentioned you. Oh, wait, are you the wife who s*** her pants at her wedding? Oh yeah, you look like her. How’ve you been since… You know… the procedure?”

She did not wait around to hear what else my manager could come up with.

An older couple has been shopping in the clothing section for a while. While his wife is in the fitting room, I find myself standing there with the husband.

Me: “I hope you’re both finding everything you need today.”

Husband: “Yeah, but this store is really going downhill.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What issues are you experiencing?”

Husband: “Well, for one, none of you girls working here are young! You’re all in your forties! I want pretty young girls waiting on me when I shop!”

Me: *Disgusted.* “Well, that’s not something that affects your ability to shop here and find the items you need, so I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

Husband: “It does affect my ability! If I can’t find something I want a pretty girl to find it for me! I know I’m never gonna get to f*** her, but this way I still get her to do what I want.”

I pause a moment, giving my brain time to process those words and determine if he really did just say them out loud, or if I imagined the whole thing. Turns out, I’m awake and lucid, so I decide if he can talk like that, then so can I.

Me: “That’s okay, you human equivalent of the hair and gunk at the bottom of the shower drain. None of us would touch you even if we were hookers with herpes.”

The look on his face was priceless. His wife could hear everything from her fitting room, and she couldn’t stop laughing.