I’m switching my primary care physician due to insurance issues, so I decided for my most recent appointment to have a more thorough physical checkup. My usual doctor was unavailable at the time, but one of his assistants could look me over in his stead. I decided a fresh point of view was not a bad idea, so I went ahead and scheduled the checkup.

It all started off relatively uneventfully, with the doctor’s assistant confirming my medical history, medications, symptoms of depression, etc.

Assistant: “And what about your diet? What’s that like?”

Me: “Since I moved out and am now living with a few roommates, we’re all taking turns doing home cooking.”

Thanks to a wonderful combination of social anxiety and ADHD, I have difficulty making eye contact with someone while talking unless I’m very familiar with them or making a significant effort. I was fairly relaxed, so I was just gazing over at the opposite wall while I mentioned that my roommates and I do cooking for ourselves every night. When I looked back over at the assistant, her expression was serious and concerned. I recognized I had to have said something to have caused that change, given she was quite cheerful and chatty only a minute before.

Assistant: “You do this every night?”

Me: “Between my roommates and I, we take turns. And if I get up early enough, I do it for myself in the morning.”

Her expression of concern just grew more intense.

Assistant: “Are you aware of the health risks of what you’re doing?”

I spent a few moments trying to figure out what she could mean.

Me: “I don’t know if there are any risks associated with cooking meals, other than maybe excessive use of salt or oils.”

At that, she burst out laughing! I was even more confused.

Me: “What did you think I said?”

Turns out, she thought I’d said I was doing cocaine every night and sometimes in the morning. It wasn’t until I’d said the word “meals” that she’d figured out I was talking about something completely different! Both the assistant and I couldn’t stop laughing for several minutes straight after that, and the rest of the checkup was perfectly fine.

I work retail at a place that sells candles.

Customer: “So, I see your candles are on sale today.”

Me: “Yes, sir, they are [price] each.”

Customer: “Do you think they can mask the scent of weed in my apartment?”

Me: “…”

I work for an online shop that sells to most European countries. You can buy clothes, shoes, and accessories from us. A customer has contacted us by email because when they received their order with two bags in it, they found a small handbag in one of them. This handbag turned out to contain a few toiletries — and a huge amount of pills!

The customer is, of course, outraged (for an obviously good reason).

Customer: “What it is that you’re planning on doing here?!”

The normal procedure is to contact a manager and get a case like this dealt with properly because it’s a serious issue and a potentially huge health hazard. Imagine if a kid thought it was candy!

But unfortunately, one of my coworkers either doesn’t think it is serious, read the email wrong, or is on total autopilot, since their answer is rather… not good.

Coworker: “I’m sorry this has happened to you. You are welcome to return the article to us.”

And that was more or less it. Try to guess if the customer was happy about that reply. 

Yes, I did forward the case to a manager who would take care of the background part. I was given the task of answering the customer with “a tiny bit” more concerned email and getting all the needed information from them.

My supervisor was sleeping with an associate. Eventually, as most work shenanigans do, theirs burned out and got ugly. [Associate] was at the register next to mine with several people in line waiting to check out when [Supervisor] approached. He stepped between the woman finishing her transaction and the one waiting to start. When the first woman left, [Supervisor] handed [Associate] a piece of paper.

Associate: “What?” *Looks at the paper* “A drug test?!”

Supervisor: *Smiling* “All employees agree to remain drug-free throughout employment. Drug tests may be performed at any time for any reason.”

Associate: “Are you serious?”

Supervisor: “I scheduled you an appointment at [Nearby Clinic] in twenty minutes.”

[Associate] left, took her drug test… and did not come back. [Supervisor] left at the end of his shift and also did not come back. Rumor has it that before [Associate] left for her test, she told Human Resources that [Supervisor] had sold her cocaine and marijuana at a discount for sleeping with him and allowing him to steal things when he went through her register. Security reviewed the tapes and he was consequently fired.

This happened a few years back while I was working at a hotel in upstate New York. The hotel was a popular destination for weddings because of the location and the proximity to a little town that had a good nightlife scene.

I was working the night audit shift that Saturday night, so as I got into the back office, the front desk agent filled me in on everything that was going on. She let me know that the wedding in the conference area had wrapped up around ten and that some people had stayed at the hotel bar while some went downtown. Other than that, it had been a fairly quiet evening.

As the crowd that had gone downtown were returning back from the bars, the bride was in the lobby in some casual sweats waiting around for her husband.

Me: “Is everything okay, ma’am?”

Bride: “We’re leaving. We have to catch an early morning flight; we’re heading to LA and then on to Hawaii for our honeymoon.”

We chatted briefly about where in Hawaii they were going, and finally, the groom came down and they hopped into a waiting car.

About twenty minutes after they left, I got a call for a noise complaint saying that the room next door was having a party. I apologised and told the guest I’d have someone up right away to break it up. I checked the room number and saw that it was the bride and groom’s suite. I called my overnight security guy on the radio and told him to go break up the party since the people in that room had already vacated the premises.

He called back down about five minutes later.

Security: “I told everyone to clear out of that room, but the moron that answered the door had a bong in his hand and the room stunk like weed.”

Me: “Okay. Come downstairs and write out a statement, please.”

I posted the $300 smoking bond to the room and my overnight guy went back up and told them we’d be applying the $300 charge.

Fast forward to the next morning. I was still at the desk because our early morning person had called in sick, and I was approached at the desk by one of the guys that had been partying in the room.

Guy: “Your guy last night said we have to pay $300 for smoking?! That’s bulls***! My friend had his wedding here!”

Me: “And we hope that the service that was provided for the wedding was everything they asked for. However, upon checking into the hotel, everyone — and I mean everyone — signs a form stating that they understand there’s no smoking in the room. Ultimately, your friend is now responsible for you guys smoking in that room.”

Guy: “This is absolute bulls***. We’re not paying that! I’m calling him right now!”

About ten minutes later, I got a call on the main line, and it was the groom. I didn’t even have time to get my greeting out before he was ripping my head off about the $300 charge. We always get push-back on it, but this guy was aggressive about it.

Me: “My security guy knocked on the door and smelled weed. The guy who answered the door had a bong in his hand. They were caught red-handed, and you are now responsible for that.”

The guy swore at me for another five minutes before I hung up.

Then, the groom’s mother came up to the desk.

Groom’s Mother: “Is there an issue? Some of my son’s friends were yelling about something, and I heard one of them talking to my son on the phone about a charge.”

Me: “Unfortunately, due to privacy laws, I’m unable to divulge what happened. You should ask your son’s friends about it.”

I was like 95% sure that was true regarding privacy laws, but I sounded really confident about it, so she bought it. She sighed and went back to the conference area where the wedding guests were seated for brunch. A few more of the friends came over to yell at me, but I sent them on their way. I wasn’t budging from that $300 charge.

The mom then came back and started pleading for any sort of information I could give her.

Groom’s Mother: “I just want to make sure that the weekend is a success, and I don’t want to have people arguing over something trivial with your staff. My credit card information is on my son’s room! I just want to know what happened!”

Me: “Wait, your credit card is on the room?”

Mom: “Yes, I’m paying for my son’s room and the suites that the bridesmaids got ready in.”

Me: “Give me just one moment.”

I went rummaging through the paperwork for the room, and sure enough, there was a third-party consent form attached to the paperwork stating that all charges be charged to the credit card on file.

Me: “Well, ma’am, that sort of changes things since you’re financially responsible for the room.”

Groom’s Mother: “Okay? What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, here’s what’s been occurring since last night…”

I proceeded to give her the entire story. Her face got angrier and angrier as I spoke.

As I was finishing telling Dear Old Mom about what her son’s friends had done, HE CALLED BACK! I answered the phone while she was standing in front of me, and he didn’t even let me get the greeting out before he was yelling and swearing at me again. I pulled away from the receiver so his mom could hear the action and she stormed off. In the middle of yelling at me, he yelled at his new wife:

Groom: “My mom is calling me! Text her and tell her I’ll call her back!”

I could hear the bride reply:

Bride: “She’s calling me!”

The son stopped yelling at me for a few seconds to get on the phone with his mom, and I could hear her laying into him. She was absolutely shredding him to pieces, and I know this because she was on her cellphone walking down the hallway back to the desk, demanding that he get back on the phone with me and apologise for his behaviour. She walked up to the desk, stood in front of it, and hung up.

A few seconds later, the son got back on the phone with me and apologised for his behaviour, sounding utterly defeated. The mom stuck around to make sure he apologised and then marched back to the brunch. A few minutes later, every single one of the friends was standing in front of the desk apologising, and the mom had them reaching into their wallets or hitting the ATM to pay her back for the $300 charge that was going on her credit card.

I checked our system and saw that she had a massage booked at our spa. I called and asked them to comp one of the mineral soaks for her performance in the lobby, and they were more than happy to oblige once I told them the story.