Reason 47 Why Cats Are Like People

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2020

I work at a pet supply store, and on one wall there are some kennels that hold cats the local shelter has for adoption. People who come in constantly walk past the cats just to say hi, regardless of whether they’re looking to adopt.

One day, it’s rather hot in the store, as the climate control is broken. Suddenly, a customer comes up to my register, looking worried.

Customer: “I think there’s something wrong with one of the cats. He’s on his back, and his eyes are rolled up in his head.”

I finished ringing the customers in line through and rushed over to the kennels so I could make sure there was nothing wrong with the cat. Sure enough, there was an orange and white cat on its back, eyes rolled up in its head, and lips twitching a little. I was worried the poor thing might have heat stroke due to the temperature of the store.

The second the key entered the lock, though, kitty was upright and looking around intently, wondering what was going on, with not a single sign of anything wrong.

We all started laughing a little as I gave him a quick check just in case. His temperature was fine, and he was enjoying the attention he was getting as I made sure he was okay.

Kitty wasn’t sick at all, just a really weird sleeper.

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Warning: “Beep Test” Flashbacks May Occur

, , , , , , | Learning | June 24, 2020

If you’ve never heard of the “Beep Test,” consider yourself lucky. In New Zealand, some genius decided that a good way to test if children were fit was to make a test where they had to run between a marked distance between the beeps. The beeps would get progressively faster, and the level at which you could no longer cross the line between the beeps was your “fitness level.”

Sounds fun, right?

In my younger years, I had an accident where I’d injured my knee. Nothing permanent, not even a scar, but afterward, I found that I was never able to run as fast as I could before. I’d been a sprinter, but now I was a marathon runner

This meant that no matter how hard I tried, after a certain point, I literally could not run fast enough to get between the beeps! And since that meant a low score, you had to give up your lunch to keep running to get a better score.

My stubborn counter to this was that no matter what, I kept running. I wouldn’t get over the line fast enough, but the fact that I continued to run told the teachers I was fit “enough” for purposes, just not fast enough.

I had to do the beep test at least once a year, as required, but I never had to stay in for a lunch with my direct and stubborn ability to stay running for the whole test.

I continue to be angry in adulthood that someone figured that speed was the same thing as being fit.

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That’s Bloody Disgusting

, , , , , , | Working | June 23, 2020

My friend related this story to me. He stops by a chain coffee shop that also sells sandwiches and the like. Almost immediately after he’s been handed his order, he notices that there is a smear of what is clearly blood on the bag that his sandwich is in.

He returns to the counter immediately. 

Friend: “Excuse me, but there’s blood on my sandwich.”

The cashier does not sound at all surprised or alarmed by this serious health code violation.

Cashier: “Oh, that’s not good! You know, there are a lot of tomatoes that go into our sandwiches; it might just be a bit of tomato.”

Friend: “I know what blood looks like. I’m not eating this.”

Cashier: “Okay, we can make you a new sandwich. We’ll just need to take back the one you don’t want.”

As my friend went to hand back the bloody sandwich, he noticed that the cashier had a bandage on her hand but was not wearing a glove over it, as is expected when you cut yourself doing food prep. Hmm, I wonder where the blood could’ve come from?

His second sandwich was blood-free, and amazingly he still ate it. I’m not sure I would have.

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Sucks To Your A**-Mar!

, , , , , | Learning | June 23, 2020

I am asthmatic. It’s not the worst case of it in the world, but it’s not exactly mild, either, and I’ve gone to hospital for it more than once.

I’m also not particularly well-liked at this school, for various reasons, the main one being that most students are very homophobic, and I have a very stereotypical “lesbian” haircut and wear a rainbow pin on my school blazer. I get bullied a lot as a result.

Students at this school like to spray deodorant a lot, just in the air. They claim it’s because the classrooms smell bad — they’re not that bad, really. This could set off my asthma and even send me to hospital. For this reason, I always ask them politely to stop and explain my asthma and medical history. Most people apologise and stop, as they recognise the gravity of this situation. Some don’t.

On one occasion, we have a substitute teacher in class, and I am sat near one of my biggest tormentors. He decides to spray deodorant, under the table as if he’s trying to hide it, but he’s making it very obvious. I tell him to stop and take my inhaler, pointedly, just in case he’d forgotten I’m asthmatic.

He looks at me, taking my prescribed medication, whispers to his friend, giggles, and does it again.

And again.

After about a minute, I can feel my breath getting worse despite having taken my inhaler, so I look him in the eyes and ask, “Do you want to be tried for manslaughter?”

He looks confused, so I continue. “Yeah, if you keep doing that you could kill me. Did you know that?”

At this point, his eyes are pretty wide and he’s gone slack-jawed. I wait for him to say something, perhaps an apology, but he doesn’t make a sound, so I leave the room to get away from the deodorant air.

Later on, I learn that some girls from another of my classes had told him I “get annoyed” when people spray deodorant. I think they forgot to mention that it could send me to hospital, too!

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This Teacher’s People Skills Are A Bit Flabby

, , , , , | Learning | June 21, 2020

I’m in PE class. I am not a very sports-inclined student. I’m struggling to shoot a basketball into the hoop, so I ask my PE teacher for help.

In response to this, she reaches out, squeezes my upper arm, and shakes her head.

PE Teacher: “Not much up here, is there?”

I was speechless. I did not ask this teacher for help again.

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