Acting Like A Baby

, , , , , | Working | March 9, 2018

(One of my coworkers, [Coworker #1], has had to go home. She walks past us in tears.)

Coworker #2: “I’m going to run after [Coworker #1] to make sure she’s okay.”

([Coworker #2] is back a few minutes later. She doesn’t look worried; in fact, she just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.)

Me: “What was wrong?”

Coworker #2: “Remember when [Coworker #1] told us that she and [Husband] had decided to start trying for a baby, so she was going to stop taking the pill?”

Me: “Yes, it was just a few days ago.”

Coworker #2: “Well, she got her period today and is now upset because she didn’t fall pregnant right away.”

The Kind Of Things You Say After Having Too Many Shots

, , , , | Healthy | March 9, 2018

Younger Brother: *whining* “Why do we need to get shots?”

Me: “Because they make you feel better.”

Younger Brother: “But don’t the shots make holes in your bones?”

Seizing Control Of The Schedule

, , , , , , , | Healthy | March 8, 2018

(I work Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My daughter has been having some health issues and recently started having grand mal seizures which require the school to call me to come pick her up. All my coworkers know this. My boss is trying to cover some shifts and asks me:)

Boss: “Can you cover some of the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday shifts?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My daughter has been having seizures; she had to be picked up Thursday and Friday last week.”

Boss: “So, Friday is the only day you can’t work?”

Me: “No, I don’t have an emergency person to pick her up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Boss: “So, she’s scheduled to have seizures on every Thursday and Friday?”

Me: “No. We don’t schedule her seizures.”

Boss: “Well, can you schedule them, then? We really need these shifts covered.”

(Best part is, we work in healthcare!)

Nursing A Hospital Hangover

, , , , , | Romantic | March 8, 2018

(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s woken up already, and I find out she’s had a panic attack — which is apparently fairly normal when waking up from anesthetic — and is recovering from it still. I go to see if I can help, being a friendly face and all. When I get there, she is still having the attack and is clinging pretty desperately onto the male nurse. When her panic does subside enough, I end up taking over so the nurse can do nurse things. My girlfriend is self-conscious over the fact she had a panic attack, so I try to lighten the mood.)

Me: *joking* “Are you being like this because I caught you with a man?”

Girlfriend: *super confused* “What?”

Me: “I mean, getting to cuddle up that real cute nurse. You sly dog.” *I nudge her playfully* “I mean, if you wanted to add a man to us, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understaaaaand!”

(She lightens up after that, and I hang about for a few hours until she’s released. As we’re leaving, we walk by the male nurse, who says goodbye. When he’s out of earshot…)

Girlfriend: “He was so cute!

Me: “He’s the nurse you clung to when you were panicking!”

Girlfriend: “D*** it! I don’t remember!”

No Longer Allowed To Pick Up Your Dead Weight

, , , , , , , | Working | March 7, 2018

(I work two different jobs, one through the week, the other only on the weekends. I have just had a minor surgery on my upper right arm. After the procedure, I am told that I am not allowed to lift more than ten pounds for the next two weeks, in order to fully recover. This is fine; my first job as a librarian allows me to sit at a computer and doesn’t often require me to carry heavy objects. My second job as a cashier, however, requires me to lift 24-packs of water, 30-packs of beer, etc., because customers often place these on the belt. I let both jobs know ahead of time that I would be having surgery, and made sure to get a note from my doctor saying I wasn’t allowed to lift more than ten pounds. I go into my second job early to hand them the note and see if I can work at the self-check lanes for my shift, which is only four hours long. There is one person who never works register, because they complain that it “hurts their back” to check for a long period of time, and they happen to be working at this time.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker #1], I had surgery the other day, and I have a doctor’s note here saying that I can’t lift more than 10 pounds. I see that [Coworker #2] is on the self-check; do you think they’ll let me switch them?”

Coworker #1: “Probably not, but we can go over and ask, anyway.”

(We walk over to [Coworker #2]. I have a noticeable bandage on my right arm.)

Coworker #1: “[My Name] has a doctor’s note saying she can’t lift more than ten pounds. Would it be okay if you moved over to a regular lane?”

Coworker #2: *takes a brief glance at my bandaged arm and sighs* “Well, my back’s been bothering me today, and I really don’t feel like checking right now.”

Me: “But I just had surgery the other day, and I have a note that says I am not allowed to lift a certain amount; it could tear the stitches.”

Coworker #2: “Well, I guess, but my back has been hurting.”

Me: *cuts in, slightly annoyed* “Look: I have an official doctor’s note, and I think that it’s a little more valid than you just saying that your back is hurting.”

Coworker #2: *huffs* “Fine, but if my back starts bothering me, I want to switch back.”

(They stalked away to the regular checkout lanes, and I took my place at the self-check. The entire time we worked, they apparently talked about me to our other coworkers, and occasionally they shot me dirty looks. They did ask what I had surgery for, as if the bandage wasn’t enough proof. Shockingly, they never did ask to switch, so I guess their back wasn’t hurting them as much as they thought!)

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