Som-nude-ulism

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: teenage_turntbag | July 20, 2021

I work the night audit shift as well as housekeeping at our hotel. This particular day starts like any other; I get my cleaning cart out and I’m in the middle of scanning my chart, looking to see which linen sizes I need.

Out of the corner of my eye, someone walks past me down to the dead-end of the hall. I usually greet the guests, but he is already well past me. I peek down the hall, wondering which room he’s even going to, and I have to do a double-take. This man is butt-a** naked.

He must’ve done a double-take, too, because when I look back, he is ducking behind the wall.

Guest: “I’m sorry! Can you help me? I don’t know which room I’m in.”

I’m kind of stunned. I’ve only worked here for a few months.

Me: “How do you not know where your room is?”

Guest: “I don’t know! I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t know my room.”

He keeps repeating that like he’s going to cry, so now I’m feeling really bad. I use my walkie to ask the front desk if anyone with his name is on a reservation, and of course, it isn’t. Now I’m wondering if this man is homeless and trying to get in a room or if he has a mental problem or something.

Me: “Just sit tight for a minute.”

I hurried down to the front desk. I told them the situation, and they hurried up there. This guy was already gone, running through the hotel. He found another housekeeper, and she did the smart thing, gave him a towel, and walkied us. He went with the front desk workers to figure out where the h*** his room was.

Apparently, this guy was sleepwalking and had just woken up when I saw him! I know I had a panic, but I can only imagine his. Hopefully, he learned not to sleep naked in a hotel with sleepwalking tendencies!

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Superbrother!

, , , , | Related | July 19, 2021

When my brother is five and I am three, my mother attempts to go to the bathroom by herself. When she comes out, she finds me holding an apple that has been impaled on two knives, eating it like corn on the cob. She promptly takes it away.

Mom: “[Brother], why did you do that?!”

Brother: “She wanted an apple, but I couldn’t reach the apples, but I could reach the knives!”

Mom: “You could have hurt yourself!”

Brother: *Suddenly sobbing* “I did hurt myself!”

He brought his hands out from behind his back to reveal that he had cut himself on the web of one hand. Mom cleaned him up and brought us to the hospital. Because she was so concerned about getting him seen, she didn’t change us out of our pajamas, and my brother was wearing Superman pajamas, cape and all. By the time we were ready to go home, several doctors had stopped by to say hi to “Superman” and compliment him for being so brave while he got his stitches.

It was a while before Mom trusted us to behave ourselves enough to go to the bathroom alone again.

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Just Call The Customer An A**hole And Spare Us This Awkwardness

, , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2021

I’ve recently started working in a call center. It’s a relatively quiet period of the day, so the majority of us are not currently on calls. One of my colleagues finishes his call, hangs up, and angrily mutters:

Colleague: “What an absolute d*****bag!”

We all laugh and commiserate.

Team Leader: “What is a d*****bag, anyway?”

There are a few shrugs, but nobody offers an answer.

Me: “It’s… a device for… ahem… intimate cleansing.”

Some people understand, but [Team Leader] is still uncertain. She asks me to explain more clearly. As mentioned, this is still quite a new job, so I’m trying to keep my descriptions professional and polite.

Me: “You use it to clean your… private areas. It’s mainly for feminine use but can be used for cleaning the… uhh… backside, as well.”

[Team Leader] still looks confused. I start to flounder. I’m not sure how much more descriptive I can be without using cruder language that I’m not really comfortable saying in front of these people.

Then, another woman on the team comes to my rescue.

Woman: “It’s for washing out your a*** and fanny!”

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Invisible Disability, Visible Laziness

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 13, 2021

I have what is sometimes called an invisible disability. It varies from week to week. At its best, it is a numb pain; at worst, I can barely walk. Even so, unless I absolutely have to, I never park in the disabled spots. There are far too many people who rely on these to just live a normal life.

Once, I was in such pain that I couldn’t face the long walk across the car park and had to turn around when some idiot parked across two spaces!

A friend is driving us to the shops. I must have mentioned that I have a parking badge as she goes to park in a disabled bay.

Me: “Wait, what are you doing?”

Friend: “You said you have a pass to park here.”

Me: “Maybe, but I don’t need to use it. Park in a normal spot.”

Friend: *Whining* “But it’s so much closer.”

Me: “I can see a dozen spaces just there.”

Friend: “Well, we are parked now, so I’m not moving.”

She gets out of the car.

Me: “I can’t believe how lazy you are!”

My friend shouts at some random man.

Friend: “Don’t worry, she’s disabled!”

Me: “Don’t say that!”

Friend: “Whatever.”

We finish our shop, apart, and then walk back to the car. I walk right past.

Friend: “Where are you going?”

Me: “Walking home. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Friend: “Don’t be stupid.”

Me: “I’ve never had anyone use my disability for their own benefit, and I don’t intend to let anyone start now. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.”

When lockdown started, I was grateful for the distance between us. And I haven’t heard from her since.

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Talking Turkey About Food

, , , , | Right | July 13, 2021

Customer: “I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I’m looking at your thermometer; it says, like, thirty-three. Does it have to stay at that temp?”

Me: “My cases run really cold. You don’t have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.”

Customer: “Crap. Really?”

Me: “Um… yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.”

Customer: “I’ve just had it sitting on my kitchen table.”

Me: “For two days?!”

Customer: “I put it in a freezer bag.”

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