Too Bad You Can’t Vaccinated Against A**holes

, , , , , , | Working | March 30, 2021

We are in the middle of a global health crisis. The office is set up a little strangely: worker bees downstairs and upper management upstairs in offices rented by another company. We sublease about three offices upstairs. No one, and I mean no one upstairs wears a mask despite there being a mask mandate in place.

My boss decides to force us back into the office around late July because he is lonely and misses talking to people. Therefore, my manager makes a fuss about getting a thermometer and taking our temperatures when we come into the office. But don’t worry! We have a rotating schedule! That I have to watch. Meaning the same person is in the office as multiple shifts come in, one hundred percent defeating any purpose of a rotating schedule. Masks are, of course, optional to her, so I set a policy saying we have to wear masks.

Fast forward to late August; someone upstairs gets sick. You would think that would mean neither of my bosses would come downstairs and instead would self-isolate, right? Wrong! My manager calls and informs me that she is picking up the thermometer for her own personal use because she is feeling ill and then comes in without a mask on.

This is rinsed and repeated each month from September to February. Each time, my manager is aware of it and comes down to swipe the thermometer — while people are in the office — without her mask on. Each time, I wonder if she is maybe going to learn her lesson to have people work from home again. I mention it to her several times and she thinks that because we are all young and healthy, we should be fine! Both of the bosses are in their sixties and all of us have roommates who work in retail.

I can’t wait until she gets someone down here sick and they sue, because quite a few of them have mentioned it. I am also sure many of us would’ve found a new job by now if it wasn’t for the crisis.

One day, my manager tells me we’re getting back into the office again after telling me how she went out to lunch with someone waiting on a test because they were symptomatic. That day, I sign up for the vaccine trial. I am still double-masking and keeping my distance out of respect for my coworkers, but I feel relieved having fully been vaccinated with antibodies since September.

This entire thing really shows who is a thoughtful, caring individual, and who is a selfish jerk.

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The Only Thing Scarier Than Creative Writing

, , , , , , | Learning | March 29, 2021

I’m in an English Studies class and the teacher is known for his jokes and sarcasm. We’ve just done a creative writing task based on an image prompt, and we’re discussing one of the stories.

Teacher: “Have you ever broken a bone?”

Student: “Yeah. My leg, playing football.”

Teacher: *To me* “Have you ever broken a bone?”

Me: “I do parkour, so… many.”

Teacher: “I’ve only ever broken one.” *Absolutely serious* “It wasn’t mine.”

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She’s Not The Sharpest Item In The Luggage

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2021


I work as a security guard, screening passengers at the airport.

A lady is pulled over for a bag check because a knife is seen on the X-ray of her carry-on luggage. The knife in question turns out to be a pâté knife. For those readers who are unaccustomed to fine food, there are two kinds of pâté knife: a blunt one and one with a sharpened edge for slicing cold meats.

I pull the knife out of her bag, and guess which type it is?

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but this is sharp so you can’t take it.”

Passenger: “It’s not sharp!”

Me: “No, it’s definitely sharp, so you can’t take it, sorry.”

At this point, like lightning, the lady reaches over the counter and snatches the knife.

Passenger: “IT’S! NOT! SHAAARP!”

She punctuated each screamed word by slashing at her wrist with the knife. On the third stroke, she sliced her wrist deeply.

The knife was confiscated.

I’m certain that she’ll have a nice scar to remind her to behave better in future, especially since she refused any treatment, opting instead for a wad of paper towel which quickly got soaked.

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I Refuse To Be Married To THAT Customer

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2021

My husband and I both worked retail jobs when we were younger, so we have a lot of sympathy and understanding when it’s obvious folks are just overwhelmed, new hires, or anything like that.

Well, at least I thought we both did.

The store we’re currently in has a total of four registers. At the moment, two are being manned and there’s a long line waiting. One register is empty, and one is being obviously used for training, as there’s a big sign on the belt that says, “TRAINING,” with a product rack blocking the aisle, there’s a manager standing over the person at the register, and that person is looking over a book.

Husband: “Man, this is a long line.”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s our fault for coming during rush hour.”

Husband: “They could really open up another register.”

Me: “It’d be nice, but we’re almost up to the front, anyway; there are only like two people ahead of us.”

My husband turns around, stares at the manager and trainee, and then reaches up and SNAPS HIS FINGERS and calls for help. I glare at him and raise my voice.

Me: “Did you seriously just snap your f****** fingers at them?!”

Husband: “They’re just standing there!

Me: “She is getting trained! That register is closed! You know better than this. Get out and go wait in the car!”

Husband: “But—”

Me:No buts. You never act like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with you right now but I’m not dealing with it. Go! I’ll see you in a few minutes!”

He finally did trudge off. It left everyone else kind of staring at me, and I apologized for the scene. And no, I didn’t suddenly get handed a ton of coupons or the double-employee-discount or anything like that, but the manager did thank me for standing up for them.

I got outside and my husband was indeed sitting in the car but looking unwell. We figured out that his blood sugar was going wonky, and apparently, the first symptom for him is getting extra snappy… no pun intended. And yes, since then, I have more than once pulled the “you’re not you when you’re hungry” line when he gets that way!

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This Cannot End Well

, , , , | Right | March 24, 2021

Customer: “Do you have any of that acne remover?”

Me: “We have basic skin cleaning items in aisle seven.”

Customer: “Can it cure really bad acne for my son? Like, really bad.”

Me: “I think you’d need to see a health professional if you want to get something stronger like that.”

Customer: “I see, I see. Also, can you tell me where I can find the sandpaper?”

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

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