If You Still Have Underwear By Sunday You’re Not Doing It Right

, , , , , | Romantic | January 13, 2019

(My husband has two hearing aids, and I often forget about them in the early morning before he puts them back in after showering, which makes for some interesting conversations. He is also terrible about sorting clothes when he puts laundry away, so things like socks and underwear always end up in the wrong place.)

Me: “Tomorrow’s Saturday, right? Do we have anything going on?”

Husband: *not hearing, and pulling something out of his drawer* “I have a pair of your underwear.”

(Glad those will be going on tomorrow!)

You’re Showing Your Ignorance

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2019

(I am a manager in a store and I had just rung out a customer, thanked her, and wished her a good day.)

Customer: “Oh, when are you due?”

Me: *smoothens over puffed out sweatshirt* “I’m not expecting.”

Customer: “Oh, come on, you’re showing.”

Me: *icily* “I am quite not!”

Customer: *pointing at my middle* “You’re so bulky… I mean, your sweatshirt is… TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!”

(I look over at her as she giggles and back-peddles.)

Me: “None of that was very nice or your business.”

Customer: *as she walks out the door backwards and still tottering* “IT’S A COMPLIMENT!”

(I get that she may have been embarrassed, but I think a simple, “I’m so sorry,” and a hasty exit would have done us both big favors.)

It All Boils Down To This

, , , | Right | January 12, 2019

(A young mother pushes her baby over in a pram and tells me that her baby took some “warm” water and splashed his face with it the day before. I look at the baby and he seems bubbly and happy. There is barely any sign of redness of his skin and there are no blisters, either.)

Me: “There’s isn’t any redness at all. He seems fine.”

Mother: “There’s a mark here.” *points under his eye*

Me: “Well, it’s not that obvious. You shouldn’t need to do anything about it. It’ll go away on its own.”

Mother: “The water got in his eyes.”

(I look at the baby’s eyes. There is also no redness.)

Me: “He looks fine. He’s not crying, either.”

Mother: “He cried for ten minutes yesterday. Will it leave a scar?”

Me: “No… his skin did not even get damaged. You really don’t have to do anything.”

(The mother looked a bit relieved yet doubtful at the same time but she thanked me anyway. Later she came back and asked if sun protection was needed to prevent scarring. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I asked if she really meant “warm” water or if she meant “hot” water. She told me that it was freshly boiled water with a triumphant expression. Well, either this baby has skin made of steel… or she left the boiled water out longer than she thought and it had cooled down already!)

Crispy Cops

, , , , , | Right | January 12, 2019

(We are in the middle of a rush. A customer orders almost all of our chicken; we only have white meat in our original recipe left. The car behind him wants a crispy two-piece meal and some potato wedges.)

Me: “The car in front of you ordered all the crispy that I had on hand.”

(This doesn’t seem to bother him too much. He gets to the window, pays for a meal, and asks to talk to my manager. As the general manager is cooking more chicken, his relief manager talks to him.)

Customer: “You guys never have the chicken I order! Every time I come in I need to wait about fifteen to twenty minutes for you to get my food.”

(After complaining, he took his food and left. About fifteen minutes later he calls the store complaining.)

Customer: “The chicken is disgusting; I wouldn’t even feed it to my dog! The potato wedges are harder than bone! I am going to come to the store and show you how bad of a job you did!”

(He shows up and shows us a chicken he had. It has met all of our selling expectations. In the store he said his potato wedges are too soggy so he had to bake them in is own oven, and now they are too hard. Since the guy is being a complete jack-a**, my manager refuses to give him a refund and tells him to leave the restaurant. The customer decides to record the whole conversation between him and my manager. He goes outside and pouts for fifteen minutes; after that, he calls the cops. The officer talks to him for ten minutes and then comes inside. The officer is wondering, just as we are, what is wrong with this guy. My manager tells the officer what happened, then the officer goes back outside to talk to the guy.)

Customer: “Can I at least post the video I took online?

Officer: “Sure, if you want to make an a** of yourself.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Officer: “You were angry because they sold you perfectly good chicken, potato wedges that you ruined yourself, and you wanted them to refund you $13 even though you have eaten more than half of your meal. You would be making an a** of yourself.”

Look At What You’re Doing, Because You Can

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2019

(A patron has asked to speak to me.)

Me: “Good afternoon, madam.”

Patron: *shouting* “Finally! This woman–” *points* “–has been staring at me all afternoon. I want her removed. It is so uncomfortable. It has ruined my entire day. I want our meal for free, and a coupon for–”

Me: *interrupting* “Madam, I can assure you that this lady is not ‘staring.’”

Patron: “Are you f****** blind? Look at her!”

Me: “No, madam, I am not blind. The woman you are accusing of staring, however, is blind, and therefore, I can guarantee with absolute certainty that she is not staring.”

(The patron sputtered and quickly asked for the bill while turning the colour of a tomato. After she paid she practically dragged her husband out. He offered a quick apology to the blind patron and her guest. The guest glared at the couple as they left.)

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