She Has Chef’s Special Needs

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

The restaurant I work at has an “Indecisive” section of the menu with two items: Chef’s Choice and Chef’s Special. Chef’s Choice is just an excuse for the kitchen to use the most underused dish; if the fried chicken isn’t selling well that day and it looks like we’ll have extra at the end of the day, that’s chef’s choice. 

Chef’s Special is fun. The chef starts a timer, runs out, and asks the customer questions about their food choices for two minutes. He then dashes back and makes what he guesses to be the perfect dish for them. To keep the kitchen running, he only does this once an hour and we have markers for people who want to order it to form a queue. There’s a countdown clock we display for the next time he will do a special. 

Keep in mind, this is a free service. The chef does it because, and his exact words, “Cooking the same things all the time gets boring. I’d have to change the menu every other month or so to keep my interest. Getting to do this three or four times a day really lightens things up,” so he doesn’t charge customers who essentially keep him doing what he loves. It’s a real treat to see him do this. You can really see the passion he has for cooking for others when he does and the customers love it. Sometimes we get customers who are angry about it, but generally because we only allow people to join the queue when the clock hits five minutes. 

The worst one I’ve seen, though, is an entitled woman who comes in with her party at about ten minutes to go. She refuses to let anyone order — not even appetizers — before the timer hits five because she doesn’t want food coming out at different times. She ends up being third in the queue and loudly attacks the two people in front of her because, “It’s my birthday and I deserve to get the special!” This is not uncommon to experience; people give up their spots for anniversaries or birthdays all the time. The other two relent and finally, it’s time for the chef to come and ask questions.

Now, let me start by explaining that this is an ordeal. The chef has a little public kitchen that he set up for it. The wait staff help prep the area before he comes asks questions so that it works seamlessly. Most patrons will stop eating for the three minutes just to watch the questioning and most stay to see what was made. The chef even keeps a score card on the wall with wins/losses for the month for all to see. It’s his own personal game, and everyone loves it. 

It comes time for questions. He starts the same way I’ve always seen him start: “Do you have any dietary restrictions?”

“Um…” 

That’s it. For ten seconds, all she has said is, “Um…” And bless that man’s patience, he waits the ten seconds and then moves on with other questions. Despite his best efforts to move it along, after two minutes all he’s gotten out of her is, “I like sweets.” Now, I’ve seen this man do some amazing things, but I have no idea how he’s going to accomplish this.

The chef comes back out with a bowl full of ice and water, and a cookie. He puts them in front of this woman and says, “Here! Ice soup and a cookie for the dumba** who wasted everyone’s time! Kindly f*** off and get out of my restaurant”

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Flying With Captain Obvious  

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I am a flight attendant. We always get some weirdos at work, but this one conversation recently has particularly stuck with me. Context: we are boarding a flight to Baltimore, and we have assigned seats.)

Passenger: “Hey, can we just sit anywhere?”

Me: “No, sir, it’s assigned seating! Your seat is printed on your boarding pass.”

Coworker: “The seat number is in the bottom right corner.”

Passenger: “Yeah, I saw it.”

Coworker & Me: *internally screaming*

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Shopaholic On Holiday  

, , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work in a large, well-known department store with its own store card. An English couple is shopping for clothing using our store card, buying without regard to price.)

Woman: “I love this green dress! Do you have it in any other colors?”

Me: “Yes, it comes in blue, pink, and red.”

Woman: “I’ll have all of them, thanks.”

Man: *holding up a leather jacket* “Honey, do you like this?”

Woman: “Oh, yes! I’ll take a woman’s medium.”

(They leave my department with a full cart of clothes, heading into the store to buy more items. A few days later, they come into the store again.)

Me: “Hi. Did you find everything you were looking for, or can I help you find anything else?”

Man: “We’re on our way to the airport to go home; we need more luggage!”

(Yes, they had to buy suitcases ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT to pack all the new clothes they had bought. I hope they were ready for the store card bill!)

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This Method Is Fairy Effective

, , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(My coworker routinely screens outside calls to weed out cold-call salesmen.)

Coworker: “Thanks for calling our company. This is [Coworker]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “I would like to speak to [My Name].”

Coworker: “May I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “This is [Caller].”

(Neither of us recognizes the name or voice.)

Coworker: “May I ask what the call is in reference to?”

Caller: “No. It is a personal call and I need to speak to [My Name] directly.”

(He puts her on mute and asks if I want to take the call; I don’t.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But I will need to know the nature of the call.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not telling you! I need to speak directly with [My Name]!”

Coworker: “If you don’t give me the reason for your call I won’t be able to put you through.”

Caller: *yelling* “WHAT ARE YOU? THE PHONE FAIRY?!”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am. I even have little fairy wings on my back.”

Caller: *click*

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Roommates Are Produce

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(My roommate and I are shopping in a large store. She goes to find a CD while I peruse produce, and I follow her after a minute. I enter the electronics section.)

Employee: “Are you looking for anything particular tonight?”

Me: “Yeah, my roommate.”

Employee: *without missing a beat* “Second to last aisle.”

(I cracked up and thanked him, then went and found her exactly where he’d said she would be.)

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