(My best friend and I are both 25. She has been married for a year now, and I can’t remember the last time I went on a second date. She’s telling me that she and her husband both got ordained from some online group.)

Me: “You’re not going to be my maid of honor now; you’re going to be the one performing the wedding.”

Friend: “Or both! Or [Husband] can perform the wedding, since your spouse might not be close enough with him to have him as a groomsman. Or bridesman.”

Me: “Future spouse will probably be a man.”

Friend: “At this point, can you afford to be picky?”

Me: “*The location, buissiness* how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah hi, I have a complaint”
Me: “Go a head,”
Customer: “I bought a cake for my daughters birthday the other day and it was made wrong. It had chocolate and I asked for no chocolate.
Me: (looking in the order book and knowing that I had made the cake to the specifications in the book) “Right here is says no chocolate ice cream all of our cakes normally have vanilla ice cream on the sides and top with chocolate on the bottom with a layer of cold fudge and chocolate cake crunch, did you specify that you didn’t want the cold fudge and crunch in the center?”
Customer: “I said no chocolate”
Me: “I’m very sorry for that ma’am if you would like a refund I can do that for you”
Customer: My daughter didn’t get to eat her own birthday cake.
Me: “Again I’m sorry for that ma’am, if you’d like a refund I can do that or if you wanted to bring your daughter up I can give her a cone or sundae of her choice…”
Customer: ( getting attitude) “That’s not why I called,”
Me: “Okay, I just feel bad that your daughter didn’t get to eat her own cake”
Customer: “I called to let you know that my cake was not correct and that you should train your employees better”
Me: “Okay… well have a nice day….”
(later that day I asked the employee that took the order if he had asked her if she still wanted the layers in the middle and he said he did and she said she still wanted it.)

(I usually work at the service desk at a grocery store that usually has baggers, but due to so many call-ins, we have none. I just finish bagging a customer’s groceries when I decide to hop on a register to help get the lines down. The first customer insists on bagging their own groceries. I reach the end of their order and the first customer is still bagging while his wife waits patiently for him to finish. I decide to help them out.)

Customer: “Do you understand English? I told you I want to bag my own groceries!”

(I stand there in silence for a few moments while the transaction finishes up and I hand them their receipt. I put on a polite smile as the wife is glaring at her husband, and I start to explain their savings and other deals.)

Me: “Your savings are [amount] and here are your coupons. Thank you for shopping at [Grocery Store] and I hope you have a good evening. And I apologize for the inconvenience of bagging your own groceries and me offering to help, sir. It’s part of my job to offer good customer service and to get people out as quickly and efficiently as possible. If you’d like to complain to my supervisor, he is at the service desk right over there.”

(I pointed to the service desk, but he quickly turned away and rushed out the door with his wife trailing behind.)

(One day at work, I hear my pharmacist and another technician talking about an unusual prescription that’s come in. Curious, I switch to a computer nearby and find them discussing a dog who’s been prescribed the generic for Viagra. Apparently, a recent study has indicated that it may be helpful for relieving coughing in dogs, for some reason, and we spend some time discussing how it might work in that regard. Later, as I’m working on the computer and she’s filling prescriptions behind me, she glances up and leans toward me, chuckling.)

Pharmacist: “You know, it’s hard enough for a person to talk to their doctor about this type of medication. I’d think it’d have to be even harder for a dog!”

Me: *playing along* “Well, yeah. Besides not being able to talk, it’s gotta be way more embarrassing for them, with everything all hanging out and no way to disguise it.”

(After a few moments.)

Me: “I can totally see the commercials, though. This gorgeous Golden Retriever stud going ‘Once, I was the laughing stock of the breeding kennel. But now, I’m back to being top dog, thanks to Viagra!’”

Pharmacist: *cracking up* “See, none of the other health care professions get to enjoy jokes like this.”

(I love my coworkers.)

(A condescending and patronizing coworker of mine has a habit of asking for lots of favors and cajoling people until they give in. He technically outranks me, so I’ve been careful not to get too mouthy with him until today, when he calls just as I am about to leave for the day.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], my office is low on copy paper. Can I borrow a case from you until the next supply order comes in?”

Me: *glad he’s asking for something minor* “Sure, I can spare a case. Just order me an extra one when you do your order.”

Coworker: “Thanks! Hey, can you run that over to me?”

Me: *no longer glad* “Boo.”

Coworker: “Oh, sweetie, please?”

Me: “BOOOOOOO.”

Coworker: “Honey, just walk it over; it’ll just take a minute.”

Me: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Coworker: “C’mon, help me out here.”

Me: “I am helping you out. I’m loaning you paper to make up for the fact that you failed to order enough yet again. I’m not going to go out of my way to make your life easy. Now, you can either come to get the paper yourself, forget about it, or sit on the phone and listen to me ‘boo’ you every time you speak.”

Coworker: “But…”

Me: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Coworker: “I’ll be right over.”