(I am in the break room, hanging up a sign that my boss wants on the wall. I roll four pieces of tape on the back and hang it up, and then turn around to sit and start my lunch. A coworker comes in just as I smooth my hand over the sign, affixing it to the wall.)

Coworker: “How… did you do that?”

Me: “Do what?”

Coworker: “That sign. I don’t see how it’s hanging there… It’s just… hanging there.”

Me: “Tape?”

Coworker: “But where’s the tape? I don’t see it.”

Me: “It’s on the back?” *goes over and peels one of the corners off to show him where I rolled the tape*

Coworker: “Wow! I’ve never seen tape done like that!”

(He closely inspected how I’d rolled the tape and stuck the sign on, then wished me a good lunch and walked off. I guess… I have amazing taping skills? I thought taping things like that was common knowledge, but I guess not.)

(I’m helping my mother sort laundry. My nine-year-old brother has been pestering me for weeks about wanting to watch some online videos that he apparently thinks only dwell on my laptop. I have also made brownies, so he has been asking for those all afternoon.)

Brother: “Hey, [My Name], can I have a—“

Me: “No.”

Brother: “But they’re cool now!”

Me: “I told you, after dinner.”

Brother: “Then can I watch—“

Me: “No.”

Brother: “But—“

Me: “I said no.”

Brother: *grumbles*

Mom: “You would be a great mother.“

Me: “I knew exactly what he was going to ask for. This is why I don’t want to be a mother.”

(People ask why I never want children. I always tell them that I got enough of parenting from my brothers.)

(I work in the front lobby of an assisted living building. My large desk is in one corner and there are chairs, couches, and tables all around where the residents hang out. On the right side of my desk, there is a lower portion where I display announcements and stack flyers for the day’s events, etc. Residents frequently stand there and stare at the things posted there. I always turn and say hello and ask if they need anything. A resident comes up and starts looking at the things posted.)

Me: “Hello, [Resident]. Can I help you with anything?”

Resident: “Nope.” *goes back to reading announcements*

Me: “Okay, let me know if you need anything!” *goes back to typing and phone calls, keeping an eye on the resident out of the corner of my eye*

(It’s been a good five minutes, maybe more, and I’ve taken a couple of phone calls, rummaged in my desk for supplies, and have been typing on the computer — my usual daily things. The resident is still there, which is not unusual at all, as most residents take forever and a day to read the things there. Then, all of a sudden…)

Resident: “What in the h*** is taking you so g**d*** long?! I’ve been standing here forever!” 

(She’s actually been sitting there on her walker seat, looking like she’s just sitting around like people always do.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you didn’t say anything. I thought you were just reading the announcements. You should have said something.”

Resident: “You know g**d*** well I’ve been waiting for you! Lazy b****!”

Me: *taken aback* “I’m sorry you feel that way. People stand there quietly reading all the time and…”

Resident: “I need a toothbrush. I’ve got food in my teeth. The people upstairs told me to come to ask you for one.”

Me: “Who told you to come down here for that?”

Resident: “Why the h*** do you need to know? They told me to come to the g**d*** front desk!”

Me: “I need to know because I’ve never had things like toothbrushes up here and I need to tell whoever told you that so they don’t mislead someone again.”

Resident: “How the h*** did you even get this job?! Useless!” *keeps ranting loudly all the way back down the hallway, using several more expletives*

(I guess I got cussed out for not being psychic enough to know what she wanted and for not doing something that has never been even close to part of my job. A toothbrush? Do I look like a drugstore?!)

The coworker in this story is basically the exact opposite of intimidating. He stands right at six feet tall and is maybe 170 pounds. He’s also incredibly baby-faced and has a somewhat timid personality around new people. With all this being said, it hasn’t been uncommon for ruder customers to notice this and try to take advantage of it but nothing has ever gone too over-the-top… that is, until this incident.

I’m minding my section of the store when I hear a loud crash followed by a string of profanity. I pop out from my aisle to find out what’s going on and, from a distance, I can see a display case has been turned over and this meek coworker is being accosted by a rather burly, biker-looking type of man who stands a head taller and looks to be about 100 pounds heavier. While I can’t hear what’s being said from as far back as I am, the biker guy is right in my coworker’s face and is being rather animated with his “discussion.”

Suddenly, the biker guy violently grabs my coworker by the collar. Before I can even begin to rush over or radio for help, my coworker, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, grabs the biker guy by the arm, steps into him, and executes an absolutely perfect shoulder throw takedown, sending the guy to the floor, hard.

By this time, security has intervened anyway and, as you might expect, the biker guy begins screaming in pain and yelling about “assault” and how he’s going to sue, etc. Security tries to get him up and take him to the office to hold him until the police arrive, but every time they try to move him he just screams louder. Finally, the police come to arrest the guy, but even they can’t get the guy off the ground and it’s determined an ambulance needs to be called.

After what seems like forever since all this began, medics come and cart the biker guy off with him still cursing everyone and promising to sue, get everyone fired, and close the store down. The officers split up, with some following the biker guy to the hospital to get his statement and the others going with my coworker and the managers to the office to review camera footage. The officers at the store quickly determine that my coworker likely won’t face any charges, as he obviously acted in self-defense, but management still has to place him on suspension until everything is totally resolved, as is protocol in situations where police are called.

Fast forward a bit: my coworker comes back to work. We find out through his stories that the whole incident started when my coworker told the biker guy that we’d sold out of an extremely popular sale item and wouldn’t be getting more in. The biker guy apparently threatened to “beat the s***” out of my coworker when he wouldn’t check the stock room for more when, obviously, there wouldn’t be any more in stock. The biker guy also did try to sue, but got laughed at by his lawyers who threw out the case when the security footage was played.

We also find out that my coworker declined to press any sort of countersuit. Reason being, it so happens that the biker guy wasn’t faking his pain! When he crash-landed from being thrown, it shattered his hip and cracked two ribs. My coworker says the punishment to the guy’s ego — spending six weeks or more in a body cast coupled with endless taunting from his biker buddies for losing a fight to a guy half his size — is more of a victory than any financial punishment.

(The phone rings. I answer it.)

Me: “[Business Name], this is [My Name].”

Caller: “Is this [Totally Different, Unrelated Business Name]?”

Me: *inner facepalm* No…this is [repeats Business Name].

Caller: Oh! Good thing I asked then! *idiotic laugh*

Me: Yeah…*they hang up* Good thing you asked?! How about just paying attention in the first place?!