He Sure Didn’t Ace That One

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 2, 2020

I’ve come out as asexual to a couple of friends who I’ve met online. They’re all supportive, but one is completely clueless about anything LGBTQ+ and private-messages me for clarification. There is no malice or teasing, just lack of knowledge.

I’m known for being the “innocent child” of the group, extremely short and not intimidating in any way.

Friend: “If you’re ace, can you perform mitosis?”

Me: “While that would be cool… no. No, I cannot.”

Friend: “That sucks.”

I’m about to ask if he has any more questions before this message comes through.

Friend: “Two [My Name]s would be awesome but equally terrifying.”

Always a kick to be called “terrifying”!

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Unfiltered Story #199831

, , | Unfiltered | July 1, 2020

I worked as a manager in a fast food establishment. Their are two locations on this particular street about 5 or more miles apart. (Its a large, busy road) We had recently been torn down and rebuilt. It was our second day open when i got this phone call:

Me: [restuarant name} How can i help you?

Caller: May i speak with the manager?

Me: I am the manager, can i help you?

Caller: I came through 3 or 4 days ago and you forgot [list of 2 or 3 of our pricier items]

Me: I see. Are you sure it was 3 or 4 days ago?

Customer: (irritated) YES!

Me: The location by the mall on [street name]?

Customer:(getting sort of pissed off) YES! Can i come get it replaced?

Me: Im rather confused how you could have come here 3 or 4 days ago and get your order messed up when this is only our second day open since the rebuild.

Customer: Oh….I must have gone to the other location *click*

Sure you did buddy…sure

Of All The Ways You Try To Get Someone To Pay For Your Ride

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

An employee of a temp service has just been fired from his job. He’s already called once and been directed to the on-call person for the temp agency.

Me: “Good evening, [after hours service]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was jumped by three people at this job and they told me to leave. [Temp Service] told me there’s nothing they can do but my ride won’t be here for another hour. I need to get home; can you call me a taxi?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. I am the answering service; I cannot call you a taxi.”

Caller: “Well… what I am supposed to do, then? I can’t wait here for an hour. I need you to call me a taxi.”

Me: “Sir, I will not call you a taxi. That’s something you need to do yourself.”

Caller: “Okay, well, who would I call then?”

Me: “Call for what, sir?”

Caller: “To get a ride home… Would I call the Department of Treasury?”

Me: *Sighs* “No, sir, you would call the taxi company.”

You can’t fix stupid.

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Giving The Butterfly Expert A Case Of The Butterflies

, , , , , | Friendly | June 30, 2020

Camping in the summer is a tradition in my family, especially since my grandparents have a trailer. I’m a small, bookish elementary schooler and my grandfather is watching me play in front of the trailer.

An adult volunteer is going around the campground inviting children to a program about butterflies native to Michigan, including monarchs.

Volunteer: “Hello! Do you like butterflies?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Volunteer: “We’re going to have a program with them soon. You can find out where monarch butterflies live!”

Me: “Don’t they live here and then fly all the way to Mexico?”

Volunteer: “Um… yes! Do you know what they eat?”

Me: “Yeah! They eat milkweed as caterpillars because it makes them taste gross to predators, and when they’re grown up they drink nectar, but they still taste bad so birds don’t eat them.”

Volunteer: “That’s right!”

The volunteer gets increasingly flustered as I geek out over monarch butterflies, oblivious to her struggle. When the volunteer gives me the details of the program and scurries away, I turn around to see my grandfather quietly laughing.

Me: “What?”

Grandfather: “I don’t think she expected you to know so much about butterflies!”

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The Terrible Twos Are Nothing Compared To The Hateful Eights

, , , | Right | June 28, 2020

I am working at the ticket kiosk for a historic fort. A man walks up to me with two young children and purchases tickets. As he’s doing so, both of us notice that his daughter is pouting.

Guest: “Now, what are you pouting about? We got to go on a cool boat ride, we went to a nice restaurant, and now we’re going to a military fort!”

Daughter: “I hate military forts!”

Me: “Aww. But there’s a lot of neat stuff there for kids!”

Daughter: *Glares up at me* “NO, THERE ISN’T!”

I am taken aback, but I laugh anyway.

Me: “Well, I work there! I would think I would know! There’s a whole building for kids to play in and—”

Daughter: “NO, THERE ISN’T!”

Man: “Come on; let’s go up to the fort.”

As they leave my range of vision, I can still hear the daughter screaming as she walks away.

Daughter: “I hate military forts! I hate this place! I hate this vacation! I HATE EVERYTHING!”

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