Oh, He No!

, , , | Right | March 17, 2018

(I work in a popular party store, and we sell balloons. We sell them by the package, and individually if you would like to have them inflated. I am working the front counter when a customer walks out from the aisle.)

Customer: “Are these balloons helium free?” *proceeds to hold up a package of latex balloons that were not inflated*

Me: “Yes, they are.”

Customer: “How can you tell?”

It Can Be Fun To Close A Window

, , , , | Working | March 16, 2018

(I work at the front desk of an assisted living home. One of my main jobs is to answer the phone. I live for callers like these.)

Me: “[Business], [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “This is Windows Technical Support, ma’am. I am showing a virus on your computer.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Caller: “Yes, ma’am. I’m going to need some information from you so that I can remove it.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t think so.”

Caller: “Ma’am, this is a very serious matter. I need your cooperation.”

Me: “No, you really don’t.”

Caller: “Ma’am, please. I am from Windows—”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Caller: “Yes, ma’am. I am from Windows Technical Support and–”

Me: “Seriously? Still? Does anyone fall for this anymore?”

Caller: “You don’t understand, ma’am. I need your help to remove–“

Me: “Oh, come on. You know I know what’s up. I know this is a scam.”

Caller: “This is no scam. Listen to me. I need you to listen–“

Me: “This is a scam. Come on. Can’t you guys come up with something new?”

Caller: *getting pretty angry at this point, which I’m thrilled with, as I usually don’t get to mess with them this long* “Ma’am! Stop cutting me off! I need your cooperation, now! This is a very serious matter!”

Me: “Yes, I agree. Scams are a very serious matter. I’ll be forwarding your number on to the appropriate people.”

Caller: “No! You don’t listen! Your Windows computer—”

Me: “My Windows computer? I’m running a Mac.”

Caller: “Well, does anyone else in your household have a Windows computer?”

(She sounds completely frustrated right now, and I’m trying not to laugh.)

Me: “Well, yes, my mother has a PC. But I’m at work right now. Why are you calling me at work?”

Caller: *sounds of total exasperation* “This is a business?!”

Me: “Yes. It’s the business I answered with in the beginning.” *rolls eyes*

Caller: “Well, why didn’t you tell me?! You are wasting my time!”

Me: *puts on super cheery voice* “I sure am! Wasting scammers’ time is the best part of my day!”

Caller: *more sounds of exasperation followed by a dial tone*

(For the record, I’m not really on a Mac. I can’t believe this call went on for so long. Kind of made my day.)

In Fact, I Can’t Believe That It Took This Long

, , , , | Related | March 7, 2018

(My dad is a terrible driver. He’s constantly speeding, texting and driving, and swerving all over the road. Heck, I even caught him BOOKING A FLIGHT on his phone while he was driving once! One day, he gets pulled over out of state, and immediately contacts his lawyer. My sister happens to work for his lawyer, and she relays this conversation between them to me.)

Dad: “You’re not going to believe this, but I just got a speeding ticket.”

Lawyer: “Actually, [Dad], I can believe that.”

Unfiltered Story #106922

, , | Unfiltered | March 7, 2018

(My mother and I have gone out to get some pet food for our animals before a big winter storm. I have two cats whom I love very much, one of whom I have had since I was a small child, and she has a lovable chocolate lab. I am a cat person and she is a dog person. We are at the counter and a woman wearing a shirt with every inch covered in cat faces is checking us out.)

Cat Lady- Alright, that’ll be (price). Would you like to donate a bag of cat food to the local animal shelter?

Mom- Eh, I don’t know…. Can’t the cats just eat mice?

(The woman and I share a look.)

Me- Are you effing kidding me?

Cat Lady- I will lock you in a room and make you watch Humane Society videos if that’s what it takes to get you to give those poor babies some food.

Mom- Well…. I’m more of a dog person….

Me- I’m going to disown myself. Get the cats some food.

(Another employee, a man wearing a shirt with dog faces, chimes in.)

Dog Dude- In my opinion, cats can go f**k themselves. See this here? (he rolls up his sleeve to show a large scar that was obviously caused by a knife or something of the like) This here is from my mam’s cat, Mr. Bubbles. He tried to kill me. But even if I hate cats, I’ll give them some food because if I don’t, I’m a horrible person. Are you a horrible person, ma’am?

Me: I think so.

(My mom starts laughing and gives them their ten dollars for the cat food. The cat lady hands her a slip for the wall to write her name on and mom looks at me.)

Mom: I’m writing (my name) the Cat Lady on this no matter if you want me to or not.

The Taliban Can Wait

, , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(I’m an aide at an assisted living facility and am scheduled to help out with life enrichment activities. I am in the middle of doing group exercise when someone comes in saying that the guy across the hall needs help and that he is yelling for somebody.)

Resident: “Help! Help! The Taliban are on their way, and I need you to help me defeat them immediately!”

Me: “No, no, [Resident]. There are no Taliban coming for us right now. Do you want to come exercise with us?”

(The resident will not stop insisting that the Taliban are here and that we are in imminent danger. He keeps begging for my help to defeat them.)

Me: “Can it wait fifteen minutes, so we can finish exercising?”

Resident: “Oh, sure. Go ahead.”

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