An Asymmetrical Service

, , , , , | Working | January 12, 2018

(I am walking out of a department store and I have to go through the cosmetic section. A salesperson notices me.)

Salesperson: “Oh. My. GOD! You are gorgeous!”

Me: “Oh, thank you. I’ve been told I have a very symmetrical face.”

Salesperson: “You do. It’s amazing! Well, almost, except for those freckles.”

Me: “Oh. Well, I actually like my freckles, so—”

Salesperson: “You shouldn’t; they’re horrible. It shows you don’t care about your skin.”

Me: “And you just lost your last chance to make a sale.” *walks away*

Salesperson: *shouting* “Don’t worry. I wouldn’t want to sell anything to such a dermatological nightmare!”

(Who would hire a someone who goes from “gorgeous” to “dermatological nightmare” in one conversation to sell cosmetics?!)

What Was In That Happy Meal?

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2018

(I worked doing door-to-door sales on commission for an animal shelter. I’m doing really well this particular day, in a very rich neighbourhood, and I come to one of the biggest houses I’ve ever seen. I ring the bell and a lady wearing a bright green dress and eating fries out of a Happy Meal answers with a big smile on her face.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’m selling a few bits and bobs to raise money for [Animal Shelter].”

Lady: “What animals are in the shelter?”

Me: “Mainly dogs, but there are also cats and donkeys.”

Lady: *raising her voice incredibly loudly* “Dogs! Filthy, disgusting , horrible animals! How dare you ask me to support f****** dogs?! They should all be thrown into a fire, cooked, and eaten! Or better, eaten alive!” *proceeds to spit at my feet then slams the door in my face*

Me: *walking away* “Holy jaysus…”

Insurance That Covers Against Acts Of Jehovah

, , , , , | Working | January 2, 2018

(A recent storm has done a lot of damage, so contractors are swarming to local neighborhoods and going door-to-door offering their services. I live with my parents but around this time during the day, I am the only one home. We’ve had a half-dozen guys come through in about four days, and they won’t listen to me when I tell them I have no power to authorize their services. A contractor comes by and gives a spiel about how they are doing free inspections and that most of any work done would be covered by insurance.)

Me: *firmly but not rudely* “I’m really sorry to waste your time, but this is my parent’s house, and we’ve already been checked out. We don’t have any damage. Have a nice day.”

Contractor: “Oh, but even if you have no damage you could still get a new roof on the insurance company! With all the claims in your area they would never know!”

Me: “I’m fairly certain that’s illegal, or at least questionable. I think we’re done here.”

(The guy seems pretty new to this and I feel bad when I see the almost distraught look on his face as I start closing the door.)

Me: *sigh* “Look: I know it’s tough. But I’m telling you that you’re wasting your time on me. Hmm. It’s pretty hot out, and you don’t look so good. If you’d like, I can get you a cold water bottle, but then you should go, okay?”

(After getting him a bottle.)

Contractor: “You just don’t know what it is like, walking house to house in rural areas, just to be rejected over and over. It’s not an easy task, here!”

Me: “Actually, I have a pretty good idea—”

Contractor: “Give me a break! Selling Girl Scout cookies doesn’t count; people love those! I’ve been yelled at today. No one yells at little kids!”

Me: *deadpan* “Actually, I was going to say I’m one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. And I think it’s time you got off my porch.”

(He scampered off as I closed the door. Sadly, someone else from another company came by an hour and a half later, anyway.)

Isn’t Really Selling Their Innocence

, , , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(I’ve been searching for a job for a while and have gotten hired at a place that does at-home presentations. It’s my first day, and I’m paired with one of the senior trainers who’s been told to take me around his assigned territory.)

Trainer: “So, just to let you know, I got a DUI last week, so forgive me that I have to do the stupid breathalyzer thing every time I start my car up.”

(We get into his car, which is overloaded with trash, and the trainer grumbles about how it wasn’t his fault, his friend spiked his drinks, the police were bullying him, and so on, as he blows into the ignition interlock that’s been fitted. I try to ignore this, telling myself I need this job, I’m a good salesman, and once I get the gist of this I can drive my own car from place to place. For most of the day, the trainer just runs me through the gauntlet of what to say for each presentation, how we receive calls from potential customers, the sheets we have to fill out for each house we visit, etc. Every so often he brings up again how he’s not to blame for the DUI, and curses the police whenever he has to blow into the ignition interlock; however, things don’t go south until later in the afternoon, when the trainer suddenly stops in the middle of telling me something and looks at his rear-view mirror.)

Trainer: “D*** it! No, please, not now!”

(I look behind us and notice a cop car with their lights flashing. The trainer keeps cursing as he pulls over and turns to me.)

Trainer: “Okay, look. I need you to do me a favor. Tell the officer this is your car and you’re just letting me drive it!”

Me: “What?”

Trainer: “I have expired license plates! I can’t let that be added to my record, too!”

Me: “Wait, what about your registration?”

Trainer: “It’s expired, too! So is my license! Look, just tell this guy it’s your car! I’m begging you!”

Me: “I can’t do that!”

Trainer: “You don’t understand! I can’t go back to jail again!”

(The cop knocks on the window.)

Trainer: “Remember, this is your car!”

(He rolls the window down and repeats the same thing he just told me. The cop looks at me questioningly.)

Me: “This isn’t my car.”

(The trainer ended up being arrested on the spot, because his expired license meant he shouldn’t have been on the road at all. The cop let me go after confirming my identity and my statement that I did not own the car, and I ended up having to catch the bus back to the office, since I’d left my own vehicle there. I quit that job shortly after.)

When Customers Scam Themselves

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(I work at a kitchen and bath showroom that sells sinks, faucets, showers, etc.)

Customer: “I want this shower set!” *points to an expensive set*

Me: “Great. That one is wonderful! Now, do you already have this brand in your shower or are you opening the walls?”

Customer: “I don’t see why you need to know that!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but every brand’s showers have specific valves that are placed in the wall. Each brand only works with their valves. To change a shower, unless you stay with the same brand, you also have to switch valves.”

Customer: “Oh, that is a lie. Everyone knows that is a scam to get more money.”

Me: “Well, the valve only costs about $40 for this brand. It’s one of the most affordable valves!”

Customer: “Whatever. Just give me this shower.”

Me: “Okay, sir, your total with the valve is-“

Customer: “I don’t need the valve! Stop trying to charge me more!”

Me: “Oh, so, you do have this brand already?”

Customer: “Ugh, no! I just told you that I am onto your scam!”

Me: “Sir, I won’t sell you this shower unless you buy the valve. The shower won’t work. I won’t sell you an item that is not going to work.”

Customer: “How dare you! Are you denying me service for not going along with your scam?”

Me: “No, I am saving you money and refusing to scam you by selling you an item that will not function for you.”

Customer: “I cannot believe this! I will get you fired for this! You are discriminating against me for not going along with your scheme!”

Me: “Sir, all you have to do is buy a $40 valve and place it in your wall. Every shower has one. Every brand has one. I am trying to save you a lot of time and wasted effort.”

Customer: “I will never shop here! I am going to [Our Biggest Competitor]!”

Me: “That is fine, sir, but they will not sell to you without the valve or the same brand already being in place. If they do, then they are scamming you out of your money.”

(The customer storms out. Three days later:)

Same Customer: “I want to buy that shower and valve.”

Me: “Okay, great. I am glad that you came back to purchase.”

Same Customer: “I went to the other store and bought the item and it didn’t work. But because I opened it, they refused to refund me. I have to buy this twice now. Why didn’t you tell me that I needed the valve?”

Me: “…”

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