I’m a server at a restaurant. A customer calls in to ask about the beer-battered haddock. It seems his wife is really hungry for fish, but she’s pregnant.

Caller: “We’re worried about the alcohol in the batter.”

Me: “Well, sir, the alcohol cooks itself completely out of the batter while it’s frying.”

Caller: “No, that can’t be right.”

Me: “Food that is boiled with stronger alcohol might contain some traces of the alcohol, but it’s different with fried food and with lighter alcohol.”

Caller: “I don’t believe you! It’s beer!”

Me: “Sir, we use beer that starts at 4% alcoholic volume. If there is any alcohol left after the frying process, I assure you it is in trace amounts.”

He isn’t getting it, so my manager takes over to try to explain. After a few attempts:

Caller: “You’re all irresponsible, negligent, and ignorant to the needs of your customers, with no sense of social responsibility!” *Click*

Manager: “Yes, because we obviously just want the money from the alcoholic food sale so badly that we would tell anyone anything to get them to buy it, including telling a pregnant woman that it is safe to eat.”

This story happens immediately after my wife has given birth to our daughter. We are still in the hospital, and the midwife is discussing what our newborn baby should wear to sleep.

Midwife: “It’s actually quite hot in these rooms, even overnight, so she will probably want something light under the swaddle.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. We brought a…”

At this point, I am completely exhausted and can’t think of what to call a short-sleeved onesie, so I finish with:

Me: “…an Armless, Legless Thing.”

At that point, everyone dissolved into fits of giggles. Honestly, it made us feel better after the difficult birth. To this day, we still call those kinds of onesies “Armless, Legless Things”.

CONTENT WARNING: Baby Abandonment

I worked in a big box store about twelve years ago. One day, some police officers came in.

Officer: “A baby was found in a dumpster in an apartment complex nearby. The baby is okay, but we’re looking for any information about this.”

Coworker #1: “Well… [Coworker #2] was pregnant yesterday, and today she’s not.”

[Coworker #1] answered the officers’ questions, and [Coworker #2] was arrested.

I don’t think it’s still talked about so much anymore, but this was our store’s “Incident”.

When I was eight, my family lived overseas due to my dad being in the military. We were on a tiny island near Portugal where you could see the ocean from every direction. When my mom got pregnant with my brother, she absolutely refused to give birth because she didn’t trust the healthcare provided, so she and I traveled back home to the United States so she could give birth. Dad would meet us up there a few months later around the due date.

My brother was an incredibly sensitive baby who would not. Stop. Crying. (We came to find out that he’s autistic.) My mom had some serious postpartum anxiety as a result. When my brother was around five or six months old, we were on our very long flight back home, and due to some mishaps, I had to sit separately from my parents on the other side of the plane. Luckily, I had gotten a portable DVD player to keep me entertained. (This was before smartphones.)

I was told how the flight went once we landed; my mom looked completely pissed.

I could hear my poor brother’s screams for almost the entire flight. There was one particular flight attendant who made it her mission to let my parents know how miserable she was, constantly walking over to ask them to get him to stop crying, asking what his problem was, etc. My mom kept getting more and more irritated, and my dad kept trying to keep her calm.

And then, this flight attendant came back with this gem.

Flight Attendant: “I see you’re military, sir. We happen to have a seat open in first class. Would you like to take it free of charge?”

My mom sat there, flabbergasted, pointedly looking between this moronic woman and her screaming baby. My dad luckily managed to speak before she could.

Dad: “Thank you, but as you can see, I’m with my family right now. But I do have my daughter sitting in [seat number]. She would love to sit up in first class since she’s away from us anyway.”

The attendant made a twisted expression.

Flight Attendant: “I’m sorry, we can’t do that. This offer is for service members only.”

Mom: “Are you stupid? Do you not see that we’re kind of struggling here? And you have the audacity to ask my husband to leave me?! Go the f*** away!”

The flight attendant gave another dirty look before leaving. Apparently, she also switched with the other attendant there because she stopped bothering my parents.

Luckily, my brother cried himself to sleep and stayed asleep for most of the flight.

I’m at my nanny job, and I’m very pregnant with my daughter. The kids I watch have just gotten out of school, and one has invited a friend over to visit — a boy who’s been over to play before and is generally very polite. He notices that I’m very obviously showing and reaches out his hand.

Boy: “Oh, the baby’s right there, huh? I’m going to feel for a kick!”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

He stops, hand frozen in mid-air inches from touching me.

Boy: “Why not?”

Me: “Because you don’t touch people without permission.”

Boy: “Oh, right. Well, can I?”

Me: “No. I’m not comfortable with that in general, and I’m also pretty sore from round ligament pain. But she does kick a lot, and it’s easy to see even through my clothes. When she starts up, I’ll tell you and you can watch.”

Boy: “That would be cool to see!”

My daughter did indeed start kicking a bit later, and both the boy and the kids I nanny got to see. The boy was happy he got to watch, and hopefully, he learned a little something, too!