My sister is a twig. Whenever she eats a lot, her stomach balloons up and looks like she’s pregnant. We went out for her birthday to her restaurant of choice, so of course, she’s gonna splurge and eat a lot.

The waitress walks by, and she asks:

Waitress: “How far along are you?”

Sister: “Oh, you know, about thirty minutes and two courses…”

The waitress avoided eye contact with my sister for the rest of the night.

Related:
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 25
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 24
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 23
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 22
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 21

A pregnant customer comes up to me at the checkouts:

Pregnant Customer: “I’m trying to leave, but can’t. A truck is parked too close to my car, and I can’t squeeze in.”

I paged the driver of the truck up to the cash desk.

The truck driver, another woman, came up, and she and the pregnant woman got into an argument because the truck lady didn’t want to leave her shopping to move her truck. I didn’t get involved and continued to cash out customers, and eventually truck lady moved her car so the pregnant lady could go home. 

Afterwards, my manager walks up to me and talks to me about the truck lady.

Manager: “She complained about you.”

Me: “Me?! What did I do?”

Manager: “Apparently, you calling her over meant you already thought she was guilty.”

Me: “Guilty of what?”

Manager: “And most egregiously, apparently during her argument with the other customer, you appeared to nod slightly, so that was you clearly siding with the other customer.”

Me: “What did you say to her?”

Manager: “I told her that I’d talk to you about it, so here I am talking to you about it.”

And with that, he just left.

I work in the ultrasound and imaging section of the hospital, specifically for pregnant patients coming in to get those important first baby pictures.

I’m walking down a hallway when I see a man storm out from one of the treatment rooms, being calmed down by the doctor.

Man: “No! I’m her husband! I need to be there!”

Doctor: “Yes, that was fine at the beginning, but she’s made it very clear she’d like you to leave, and since she’s the patient, I have to go with her wishes on this.”

The man grunts loudly, throws his hands up in the air, and storms off to the waiting area. I catch up to the doctor just in time to hear him sigh.

Me: “Do I need to let security know about him?”

Doctor: “I think we’ll be fine. He just freaked out when he saw the ultrasound wand.”

Me: “Uh… he’s not getting an ultrasound… is he?”

Doctor: *Realizing my confusion.* “Oh! No! His pregnant wife is in there getting a transvaginal ultrasound. At first, he didn’t want it to happen because it had ‘trans’ in the name, and that was a fun etymological lesson, let me tell you.”

Me: “But then why did he freak out?”

Doctor: “As I said, he saw the length of the ultrasound wand and started to get scared his wife might, and I quote, “like it too much”. That’s when she told him to leave.”

Me: “Just when you think you’ve heard it all.”

I later heard that he shouted at our ward receptionist that his wife was “taking too long with the lesbian doctor”.

A teenage boy came in looking frazzled and breathlessly asked:

Teenage Boy: “Where are the pregnancy tests?!”

Me: “They’re on the shelf that’s underneath the condoms.”

Teenage Boy: “I don’t know where they are!”

Me: “Well, I guess that should have been obvious.” 

Luckily for me, he laughed really hard after the initial moment of shock.

I’m pregnant and at the ‘nicely rounded’ stage. My parents are visiting, and my aunt (mom’s sister) has tagged along.

Aunt: *Gasps.* “Is… is that a piercing? On your belly button?!”

Me: “Yes. I’ve had a navel piercing since I was eighteen.”

Aunt: “Shouldn’t you take out that piercing so it doesn’t affect the baby’s breathing?”

That sheer stupidity surprised me into an instinctive and undiplomatic response of:

Me: “My navel’s not a friggin’ snorkel.”

My dad snort-laughed, and my mom was quick to change the subject.