Daddy’s Girl

, , , , , | | Right | June 15, 2019

(I am restocking the department after a busy weekend when a very cute little girl taps me on the leg.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Oh, hello.”

Little Girl: “I’ve lost my Daddy.”

Me: “Okay, wait here. What’s your Daddy’s name?”

(She tells me her father’s name and I’m about to contact my colleagues to see if they can locate the father. However, before they do, a woman who is close by the whole time and looks to be the little girl’s mother comes up to us.)

Mum: “What are you doing bothering this man, sweetie? You’re not lost; I was right next to you!”

Little Girl: “Yeah, but I wanted Daddy!”

(I laughed while the mother sighed in exasperation.)

One Door Closes… Because It’s Broken

, , , | | Right | June 14, 2019

(I work with my dad fixing garage doors. A lady calls us asking us for a quote. We go to her house to check out the job.)

Customer: “So, you can fix my garage?”

Dad: “Yeah, but it’ll be [sum].”

Customer: “That’s crazy! You fixed my neighbor’s garage for [smaller sum]; why can’t you do that for me?”

Dad: “Because your springs are broken and require a whole new bar, plus a strap. Your neighbor only needed a strap.”

Customer: “F****** Mexicans!”

(The customer proceeds to go on racist rant and my dad is just really calm. I am about to go off on her, but my dad just gives me a look and I stay quiet.)

Dad: “Well, if you want to call someone else to fix it, go ahead, but keep in mind that if you call me back here it’s doubled the price because I have to waste gas.”

(She huffs and goes inside, and my dad and I go home. I ask why he didn’t go off on her.)

Dad: “Just wait; this happens all the time.”

(Guess who called a few minutes later? We charged her double the sum and a little more from her rudeness.)

Shut Up Before I Go All Old Testament On You

, , , , | | Right | June 13, 2019

(I’m a bisexual female wearing a rainbow wristband. I am checking out a customer I have sometimes seen around the store. The customer has been friendly enough to me up until this point.)

Customer: *points at my wristband* “You’re one of those queer f******!”

(Occasionally, I deal with things like this, so I try to keep my cool.)

Me: “I prefer the term ‘bisexual,’ ma’am.”

Customer: “The Lord says you’ll burn in Hell! He condemns those who sleep with the same gender!”

(I sigh and endure this abuse for a bit longer because she has, unfortunately, purchased A LOT of items. Soon, I decide to ask her to stop after a particularly abusive comment.)

Me: “Look, ma’am, you can have the views you want on homosexuality, but please realize that abusing a cashier is not an appropriate response, especially in front of children.”

Customer: *shouting* “I will not do anything you tell me! God hates [slur]s, and therefore, so do I!”

(A girl who can’t be older than fourteen walks up to the woman who is ranting at me.)

Girl: “Hi.”

Customer: *coldly* “Hello.”

(The customer then continues yelling at me.)

Girl: “You’re not being very nice to the cashier. She never did anything to you. All she was doing was checking out your items.”

(I see the girl’s mom looking surprised and slightly pale.)

Customer: “So? God hates people like her.”

Girl: “That’s not true. I’ve seen you at church, ma’am, and I recall the pastors teaching us that God loves everyone. And He makes everyone, right? Doesn’t that mean that He made her?”

(The customer seems about ready to give up, but has something else to say.)

Customer: “It literally says in the Bible that He condemns homosexuality, so why don’t you go back to being a good Christian girl and love the Lord like everyone else?”

Girl: *visibly getting tired of this* “You know, I seem to recall that the Bible said it’s okay to own slaves and that women were the property of men. Please step out of your homophobic bubble and take a look at modern American society.”

(The customer goes magenta in the face and leaves, sputtering, with her groceries.)

Me: *to the girl’s mother* “You have raised an extraordinary daughter.”

Mother: “Don’t I know it!”

(I never saw the homophobic customer again, but I saw the girl and her mother several times at the store while I worked there and gave them a discount on their purchase each time.)

Oh, Shoot, I Forgot My ID!

, , | | Right | June 12, 2019

(I am working guard duty at a military installation when a soldier turns up without his ID. I cannot allow him on base without seeing his ID, and I explain this to him. During the time that this is happening, we have a major base exercise happening so a lot of people are running around carrying weapons.)

No-ID Soldier: “I literally just need to get to my office to print out a document.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you on base without ID.”

No-ID Soldier: *suddenly angry* “Do you know who I am?”

Me: “No, that’s the point. You have no ID with you.”

(He gets out of his car, slams the door, and marches towards me. All of a sudden, around 50 soldiers appear, all drawing weapons.)

Soldier: “You heard the lady.”

(He went very pale, and actually drove away from the gate so fast he got arrested by the civilian police for speeding and sent back to us.)

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thy Discount?

, , , | | Right | June 11, 2019

(My brother and I own a small bake shop. We give a discount to students, but people are always trying to scam us to get the discount when they don’t deserve it.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [amount].”

Customer: “But what about the discount?”

Me: “Are you a student?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then you don’t get one.”

Customer: “What about the family discount?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The owner’s my kid brother. Family gets a discount here. Didn’t they tell you when they hired your stupid a**?”

Me: “One sec.” *turns towards the kitchen* “Yo! [Brother]! Come out here for a sec.”

(My brother, who is 6’5″ and built like a train, comes out and towers over my “brother” and me.)

Brother: “What?”

Me: “Apparently, I’m not the eldest. Meet our older brother.”

(The customer is starting to look pretty nervous now.)

Me: “Now, he’s our brother, and we should treat him with respect, but apparently, I didn’t do a good enough job explaining the discount. Could you assist?”

(My brother has a slight language disorder, so he doesn’t mince his words, and he does not suffer fools gladly. Now very grumpy, he turns towards our would-be brother.)

Brother: “Is he a student?”

Me: “Nope!”

([Brother] crouches down and looks the customer dead in the eye.)

Brother: “No. Discount.”

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