Unable To Re-Coup From That

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2021

I am ringing up a woman in her mid- to late forties.

Me: “Do you have any coupons or gift cards?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Your total is [total].”

She pulls a huge bundle of coupons out of her purse and tries to hand them to me.

Me: “Sorry, I cannot accept your coupons as I’ve already totaled the sale. You’ll need to take your receipt and the coupons to the front-end office and they’ll give you the total value of your coupons in cash.”

Customer: *Screaming* “You’re only doing this because I’m black! You’re racist! My brother is the chief of police and I’m going to get you fired!

I say nothing as she rants, having the attention of the entire front of the store. When she’s finished, I look her straight in the eye.

Me: “I am not a racist. I believe that a**holes come in every color.”

I look over to my manager in the office and just know that I’m going to be fired. The lady is flabbergasted. She loads her bags into her shopping cart, pays me, grabs the change and receipt out of my hand, and charges over to the front office.

My manager asks me to follow him to the management office. I’m prepared to be fired and my heart is beating at an unhealthy rate. We enter the office, and he closes the door and begins to laugh.

Manager: “I need to write you up, but that was the funniest response to an irrational customer!”

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It’s Not Just In The Media

, , , , | Healthy | March 11, 2021

It is a day or two after my dad has had a pacemaker finally put in after several years of him dying due to an extremely slow heart rate. It is quite early in the morning and I am awoken by my dad telling me to call 911 as he’s experiencing severe chest pain. He goes back to his room and I quickly run to grab the phone and I call 911, which is when things go south.

Operator: “Hello?”

I think I’ve called the wrong number somehow.

Me: “Hello?”

Operator: “Hi. Did you need something?”

Me: “Yeah, is this 911?”

Operator: “Yes. Did you need something?”

Me: “Sorry, it’s just that in the media you guys always say, ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ and you threw me off. Anyway, I need an ambulance to my house.”

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Excuse Me, I Just Gotta Make A Quick Trip To Pennsylvania

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 27, 2021

Jason Momoa is filming a movie in the town where my college is located. I am walking to the main tourist square to grab lunch and I am behind two young men around my age. I happen to overhear their conversation.

Guy #1: “Are you sure this will work?”

Guy #2: “Absolutely! Look he’s like seven feet tall, right? So we’ll easily be able to spot him. Then, we strike up a friendly conversation and invite him out for beers. Next thing you know, we’re best friends with Khal freaking Drogo, man!”

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The Ability To Ask Nicely Has Been Locked Down

, , , , , , | Right | February 5, 2021

Lockdowns have lifted, but I am still very cautious about going out, even though I work retail, so I try to minimize my contact with others as much as I can. However, my dog’s nails have gotten long and I have trouble trimming them, so I have brought her to a local pet store for a quick trim.

I have already paid and dropped her off and am standing off to the side of the grooming salon waiting. I happen to be in direct eyesight of the doors. A man and a woman walk in — one not wearing a mask and the other wearing one but leaving the nose and mouth exposed — and approach me.

Customer: “Cages?”

He has come super close, and like I said, he isn’t wearing a mask properly. 

Me: “Excuse me?”

I guess my tone takes him aback.

Customer: “Oh, you don’t work here?”

Me: “No, and can you please back the f*** up? You are clearly invading my personal space and not wearing a mask properly.”

He started to say something, but at that moment, my dog came out. She is a very large German shepherd mix and can look quite intimidating. She nearly launched herself over the gate after seeing me. Once they saw this very large dog clearly trying to get to me, the two quickly hurried off.

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You Apologize To That Precious Pupper Right Now!

, , , , , , | Related | January 28, 2021

I am getting ready to go to sleep. My dog will usually start the night off in my sister’s room for an hour before hopping into bed with me and spending the rest of the night in my room. I go to collect her from my sister’s room but she’s not in there. I’m not worried as it’s summertime and I figure she’s in my parent’s room; the air conditioner is in their room and sometimes she’ll sleep on the floor if she’s too hot. However, she’s not in there, either.

I begin panicking as I search the whole house and can’t find her. Eventually, I check outside and see the world’s saddest dog laying on the outdoor furniture. She sees me and is ecstatic that she doesn’t have to spend the night outside and runs into my room where she is given extra cuddles all night.

The next morning, I am furious with my sister.

Me: “You a**hole! You left the dog outside last night.”

Sister: “How do you know it was me?”

Me: “Because I know you smoked weed before going to bed and you always take her out with you.”

Sister: “Whatever, she’s fine now.”

Me: “No, it’s not fine. What if it had been wintertime and you pulled this s***? If I hadn’t bothered to check, she would have been dead. Even so, we have bears in the woods, and what would have happened if one attacked her? It’s so irresponsible of you!”

Sister: “Whatever, accidents happen.”

I’m still pissed at her, and thankfully, the dog realized who was fully at fault here. My sister then began to complain that the dog didn’t like to hang out with her as much and say, “I think the dog is mad at me for some reason.” Gee, I wonder why?

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