I’m walking past the beauty section at the big-box store where I work when I see either a young woman or a teenage girl walking around, which makes me immediately call for a manager.

Manager: “What’s up?”

Me: “There’s a woman with green hair in beauty who’s wearing an oversize t-shirt and only an oversize t-shirt with it being pulled up to expose her butt cheeks.”

Manager: “How bad is it?”

Me: “I can tell you with 100% certainty that she’s not even wearing a thong.”

Manager: *Deep sigh.* “Okay, I’ll be up.”

I later found out that they did tell her to pull it down, which she freaked out over, saying, “How dare you tell me to cover up? I should be able to wear what I want without judgment,” only to then pull the shirt back up once again, exposing her butt cheeks.

After that, she was told to leave the store, and the poor security guy had to go through camera footage to make sure she hadn’t exposed her coochie at any point, as then we would have to call the police because this was the weekend before school started, meaning kids were everywhere and she might have exposed herself to a child. 

What makes a person think it’s okay to just Winnie the Pooh it in public?!

I’m on month five into my management position at the tree of dollar. This means I’ve got a pretty good handle on the products and where they are. I’m always happy to help customers when they’re looking for something.

Then there was this lady:

Customer: *Lays her things for me to check out.* “So, I have to know if yins* have this thing.”

Me: *Already starting to scan her things.* Sure thing, what is it?

Customer: “So it’s a little plastic rose on a cylinder… my friend saw it on TikTok, and it can vibrate. You have to have it!”

Me: *Stops scanning to stare at her with a heftily arched brow.* “…we do not sell vibrators. We’re a dollar store.”

Customer: “No! I can’t lose this wager! I made a bet with my girlfriend that yins—”

Me: *Shakes head, bagging her stuff now.* “There’s lots of fake stuff online, especially about our products.”

Customer: “D*** it! Now I have to treat her to the Grand Concourse (Upscale Restaurant)! Are you sure?”

Me: *Deadpan.* “Yes.”

She was SO adamant through the rest of the transaction that she had for sure thought that the DOLLAR STORE would sell vibrators!! While she’s at a loss for losing the bet, I’m at a loss as to her critical thinking skills!

*Yins/Yinz regional second-person plural pronoun used in Western Pennsylvania (particularly in Pittsburgh) to mean “you all” or “you guys”

A grandma and her granddaughters come up to my register. After giving the two girls some stickers, I scanned their items. It’s been a bit of a long day, so when Grandma gets out her cash and licks her finger for EVERY dollar bill, my eye twitches a bit.

Me: *Getting out my hand sanitizer.* “Oh, apologies, I wish we had one of those moisture things so you don’t have to lick your fingers and touch money.”

Her: “Oh, I don’t mind.”

Me: “Ah, haha, I guess I mind then.”

Her: *Stares directly into my soul.* “Well, how will you build an immunity if you don’t expose yourself to germs?”

Me: *Stares right back.* “I just don’t want to touch your saliva.”

She silently glares at me while I handle her money and give her her change, then immediately uses my hand sanitizer.

Me: *Smiles.* “Have a lovely day, ladies!”

I’m forty. I’ve been working various jobs since I was sixteen, from retail to call center to personal care. I’m done putting up with entitled jerks and have no problem calling them out. Yins shouldn’t be ashamed either! Especially from these old folks who think they can talk down to workers.

A few decades and a few jobs ago, our software company moved from the warehouse district to a new office building out in the burbs. All of the cubicles were moved, as well as the furniture and whiteboards. However, the whiteboards were stacked in the hallway for the first few months. We were under explicit orders from the CFO that only the licensed carpenter could mount them.

Well, one fine day, we were designing some fairly complicated interfaces. It got to the point where we really needed a whiteboard. I was the group lead, and said “f*** it.” We grabbed one that was the right size for the cubicle wall clips and hung it. Trivial. Then, we continued the design meeting. 

The very next day, the CFO shows up with the carpenter.

CFO: “[My Name], what is THAT doing there?”

Me: “I don’t know, [CFO]. I left a plate of cookies in my office the other night, and in the morning, they were gone, and this was there. It must have been elves.”

He just grumbled and left.

For the record, we had a good working relationship; he was even in our fantasy baseball league. But if I’d told him that I’d ignored him, he would have had to respond. Serving up complete BS is something he would respect.

A customer walks up to me and shoves his iPad into my face.

Customer: “You have this item as in stock on your website, but not in the store!”

Me: “That’s an online-only item, sir. You can order it online, or we can order it for you to pick up in the store if you like.”

Customer: “Okay, order it for me. I’ll go have lunch, and I’ll come back in two hours.”

Me: “Sir, the item will be in our warehouse, which is in California. It will take longer than two hours to get here in Pittsburgh.”

Customer: “Okay, fine, I can do three at a push.”

Me: “Sir, it will be two days.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “As I said, it’s in California. It needs to go into an overnight truck to be here from the West Coast.”

Customer: “Why would it need to come from the West Coast?! California is about forty miles south on the I-70!”

Me: “California… state, sir. On the West Coast.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you say so?! How was I supposed to know that!?”

And that is when I learned our state of Pennsylvania had a town south of Pittsburgh called California. According to Wikipedia, it has a population of 5,479, so I can’t imagine why the customer got confused as to which one I was talking about…