This All Sounds Totally Normal

, , , , , | Healthy | July 9, 2021

I’ve had some worrying symptoms, so I go to see a new doctor for the first time. I recently lost my insurance and then the health crisis hit, so I haven’t had a primary care provider in some time. As suspected, the doctor orders some bloodwork.

Me: “Will this require me to fast? Because if I don’t, fair warning, my liver enzymes will be high.”

Doctor: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Any time I take a blood test and I’m not required to fast, my liver enzymes are always reported as abnormally high.”

Doctor: “And your previous doctor never bothered to try and figure out why that is?”

Me: “No, they would just order another test, have me fast, and then go, ‘You’re normal.’”

The doctor rolls her eyes in annoyance at this.

Doctor: “Okay, but… why wouldn’t they check that?” *Sighs* “Don’t fast for this one, but I’m going to have to have that checked out… like somebody should have a while ago.”

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Expecting A Muted Apology

, , , , , | Right | June 25, 2021

A coworker is getting frustrated; she keeps getting notified that she has a call waiting for her, but every time she goes to answer it, she can’t hear the woman and has to hang up. The woman has called ten times now trying to get through. She switches devices and reboots it, as well, and it still doesn’t work. Finally, I try it on my device to see if I can get through.

Me: “Hello, hello?”

Silence.

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be honest. Whatever problem we are having hearing you is on your side. My coworker has switched devices multiple times and I know mine is working as I just answered another call a couple of minutes ago. By any chance, did you happen to mute us?”

A couple of seconds go by.

Customer: *Very meekly* “Oh, can you hear me now?”

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You Know You’re A Bad Cook When…

, , , , , , | Related | June 19, 2021

My mother and father have asked that I spend more time with my grandmother as she hasn’t been looking well lately. I agree and figure a good thing would be to bring her food and maybe tidy up her house a little. I call her on a Saturday.

Me: “Hi, Grandma, how are you?”

Grandma: “Oh, not great. Been feeling dizzy and I don’t eat much.”

Me: “Well, how about I bring some haluski? I got a great recipe that uses bacon and it’s pretty good if I may say so myself!”

Grandma: “That sounds good. Maybe you can come Monday.”

Me: “Sounds like a plan, love you!”

Grandma: “Love you.”

Two hours later, my mom texts me that my grandfather has taken Grandma to the ER because she got dizzy enough that she couldn’t stand or walk without aid. As a family, we tend to joke a bit to deal with stressful news, so when I see my sister on Sunday, I know the perfect joke.

Me: “I guess the thought of eating my cooking was enough to send her to the hospital!”

It made my sister laugh because she doesn’t usually eat what I make and it helped to relieve a bit of stress. We’re still waiting to hear about Grandma, as she’ll be in the hospital for a bit, so send good vibes, please!

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Judging You By A Hidden Yard-Stick

, , , , , | Right | June 11, 2021

Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

Customer: “Yes, I need some chicken wire for my yard.”

Me: “Okay, follow me and I’ll show you where it is.”

We get to the chicken wire.

Customer: “I need enough that will cover my yard.”

Me: “Okay, do you know how big your yard is?”

Customer: “No! You work here. Shouldn’t you know how big my yard is and how much I’ll need?”

Me: “Sir, I’ve never been to your house to see your yard, so I don’t know how much you’ll need.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just buy two rolls, and if it isn’t enough, I will be back and tell your boss to get you fired since you obviously don’t do your job right.”

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Judge Not Lest You Look Like An A**hole

, , , , , | Friendly | June 3, 2021

The year is 2019 and my favorite boy band growing up announces they are going on tour. I buy tickets the day they come out, excited for a nostalgic experience with my husband who I am dragging along.

Less than a week after the tickets are purchased, I learn that I am expecting. With the concert date a little under seven months away, I decide to still go. However, I failed to buy parking with the tickets, and by the time I decide that a close parking spot would be well worth the money now, they are completely sold out.

The day of the concert comes, and even arriving multiple hours early, we struggle to find parking close to the arena. We finally settle and make a rather lengthy walk. By the time we get to our seats, I am sweating and extremely out of breath.

My husband leaves me to go get some drinks and food as I enjoy the air conditioning.

Some time passes and a mom and her teenage daughter take a seat beside me. I think nothing of it as the band’s current fans range from pre-teens to their thirties. I glance at the woman as they settle in their seats, and she is giving me and my pregnant stomach a death glare. I smile at her just in time for her to pounce out of her seat and tower over me.

Woman: “How dare you come someplace like this?! Showing off your gross pregnant stomach! You are showing girls your age this is okay!”

I am very taken back and still slightly out of breath but I quickly gain my composure.

Me: “Ma’am, not that it’s any of your business—”

She cuts me off again, going into a rant about how her daughter now thinks teenage pregnancy is cool because I’m here.

I realize with my jeans shorts, band T-shirt, and Converse, I appear a bit younger than my twenty-five years. However, I fail to believe that I look as young as her fourteen-year-old daughter.

Woman: “You know what? Forget it! We’re leaving! I hope you’re happy, making my baby miss this show because you couldn’t keep your legs closed.”

She then violently pulls her daughter up by her arm and up the stairs. She passes my husband coming down the stairs with his arms full of drinks and snacks and almost knocks him over. 

Husband: “Wow, she seemed mad.”

Me: “Yeah, I guess you should know. You apparently married and impregnated a minor.” 

The lady and her daughter did return about ten minutes after the show started. My guess is she tried to get their seats changed without any luck. She didn’t say another word to me, luckily, and I enjoyed the show.

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