Was Not Egg-specting That

, , , , , , | | Right | June 20, 2019

(I’m a server at a café. Typically, our customers are older couples who order their food and leave with little to no fanfare. However, one gentleman in particular sticks out. I notice his table has a finished tray and dirty dishes and I go to collect them. As I approach, he notices me and says:)

Customer: “Excuse me, the food was very good but I have one complaint. I found this–” *pulls out a dirty yellow handkerchief* “–under my egg sandwich. It’s disgusting. I’m a member of Health and Safety and this just doesn’t work. In fact, what’s your name?” 

(I’m shocked, a little scared, and nervous. I start to apologize before giving him my name. I’m expecting an angry outburst, but instead, he says:)

Customer: “Well, [My Name], you seem nice, so I’m going to make this situation just–“ *moves his hands and tucks the handkerchief in one of them, then opens it to reveal an egg* “–make it all disappear.”

(I realize he’s doing magic and I let out a little laugh of relief. At the same time, his wife approaches the table and sits down next to him. He grins at her, holds up the egg, and says to me:)

Customer: “I did order an egg sandwich, though. But as for the kerchief, I was only yolking.”

(I laugh again, totally on board with his joke now.)

Me: “That’s very punny, sir.”

(I move on with his trays, but not before I see him grin at his wife and say:)

Customer: “She thought it was funny!”

(His wife just kind of shook her head disappointedly at him. I don’t think this is the first time he’s done this, but it made my day!)

Throwing My Trash Talk Your Way

, , , , , , | | Right | June 20, 2019

(I’m with one of my friends at a fast food restaurant. There is currently an employee cleaning up the tables, mopping, throwing away stray trash, etc. Two teenage boys throw their trash away, hardly getting it into the trash can, before walking towards the door. The employee looks at the cups and napkins on the floor with a disappointed expression. Meanwhile, a frail old man stands up from his spot.)

Old Man: “Excuse me, boys? You didn’t quite make it into the can.”

(The first boy looks at the trash and continues walking as the second boy laughs at the man. The old man sighs a bit and smacks his lips a few times, walking to the trash can and picking up the cup, tossing it at the boys and hitting the first one with it on the arm.)

Teenage Boy #1: *trying to be sarcastic* “You missed the trash can.”

Old Man: *smiles devilishly* “Young man, I was not aiming for the trash can.”

Employee: *laughs slightly at the entire situation*

(The boys ended up throwing away their trash and looking incredibly embarrassed.)

Should Train Your Advice On Those With Training

, , , | | Right | June 20, 2019

(I am employed as a station assistant for the London Underground — metro system. A train pulls in when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me? Does this train go to Richmond?”

(My station is a transfer station for services to either Ealing Broadway or Richmond. The train pulling up is for Ealing Broadway, meaning the train is the wrong one for him to take.)

Me: “No, I’m afraid not; this train goes to—“

Customer: *interrupts* “That man there—“ *points to a complete stranger* “—said it does!”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t. You can board it if you like, but it won’t take you to Richmond.”

Customer: “But that man said it did!”

(Despite the fact that I’ve told him otherwise, the man boards the train. I also board the train, as I have been called to Ealing Broadway for another matter. The moment the train announces it’s arrival to Ealing Broadway, the man returns to me.)

Customer: “What are we doing here?! I thought this train went to Richmond!”

Me: “I told you twice that it didn’t.”

Customer: “But the man said it did!”

Will Need To Ketchup With All The Lies

, , , , | | Right | June 20, 2019

(I’m serving a woman and her boyfriend. The boyfriend has ordered and is playing on his phone while the woman orders.)

Woman: “I want a [burger] but no tomato. I’m allergic. No tomato anywhere near it.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. I will tell the cook. Oh, and I can tell him to leave off the [sauce] also.”

Woman: “No. Why would you do that?”

Me: “Well, [sauce] is made with a ketchup base.”

(The woman gives me a blank stare.)

Me: “Ketchup is made with tomato. You said you are allergic. I thought you would want me to remove all the tomato products.”

(The woman stammers a little, and the boyfriend bursts out laughing.)

Boyfriend: “No, she ain’t allergic; she just doesn’t like them.”

Me: *managing not to laugh* “Okay, no problem. I’ll let my cook know to leave the tomatoes off. Your total is [total].”

(The couple paid, got their cups, and walked to the beverage bar to fill them. I could hear them arguing the whole time. I had to duck around the corner so they couldn’t see me laugh.)

The Problem Is Large

, , , , | | Right | June 19, 2019

(I work in a grocery store deli. A mother and two kids, probably around 11 and 8, walk up to the hot bar. The customer’s kids are each demanding their mom get them something from the hot bar. After they go back and forth for a few moments, the customer finally orders.)

Customer: “I want some macaroni.”

Me: “Okay, what size would you like? Small or large?”

Customer: “Do you have a medium?”

Me: “No, ma’am.” *reaches for the cups to show her the size, now holding up both cups* “Just small and large, 8 and 16 ounces.”

Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

Me: *losing faith in humanity while I hold the large cup a little higher* “The large.”

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