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A Chairy Choosy Beggar

, , , | Friendly | CREDIT: Jaws_3D | June 13, 2021

My wife was on a “free items” page on Facebook, where people in need can ask or offer something up for free. Someone was in desperate need of a kitchen table. She went on about how she needed a place for all her kids to do their homework while she cooked meals or something.

We had just bought a new kitchen table and chairs when we redid our kitchen, but the others were in decent shape and we kept them in the garage. We were going to donate them or have a tag sale. So, my wife offered this woman our old kitchen table and chairs. Not only that, but she graciously offered my services to deliver them.

I forced my son to actually get dressed on a Saturday morning before noon and we Tetrised the four chairs and table into the back of the truck and drove to the next town over.

When we got there, the lady seemed grateful. But then she looked at the chairs and said she was going to keep looking for chairs, but the table she’d take.

Pardon?

“I don’t want the chairs; I don’t like them.”

Um, okay. My son was smiling because he thought he was going to get to see me WWE a chair on a woman. So, we drove four chairs to the thrift store with me muttering like the Dad in A Christmas Story the whole way. We got home and I let my wife know never again. Nope, I’m done. Well, until the next time she needs me to do something, because that’s what husbands do.

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If You Throw Shade, I Will Throw It Right Back

, , , | Right | CREDIT: mstarrbrannigan | June 13, 2021

We have a regular guest who checks out late every time he stays. Our normal checkout time is 11:00. We allow a noon checkout depending on how busy we are, and he likes to try to push it as late as he can. He will also sometimes ask for a late checkout and then end up paying for another night, or reserve the room for another night, and tell us to charge the card on file and show up hours later to sign for it. Normally, we don’t allow for late checkouts that only serve as a means to pay late, but we never know when he’s just checking out late versus staying another night, so he keeps getting away with paying late. It’s very annoying, but he’s here often enough and he’s no trouble otherwise, so we still rent to him.

This morning, he requests a late checkout, as per usual. Then, at about 11:30, half past checkout, he calls saying he booked online for another night.

Me: “That’s no problem; I just need you to come to the desk to sign for it and to swipe your card again for the new reservation.”

He tries to argue with me about it for some reason, but I hear his girlfriend in the background telling him not to.

About twenty minutes later, after putting it off for too long, it seems safe to deal with the consequences of all the coffee I drank this morning. All the other checkouts are out, the people who needed to pay have paid except for our regular guest, so I put up my “Back In A Moment” sign and run to the bathroom. I am gone for all of five minutes.

When I got back, the regular’s girlfriend is standing at the window with an attitude on her and smoking a cigarette next to the sign saying, “Don’t smoke near the window.” To her credit, she does put it out as I walk up, but the smell is already heavy inside. She talks to me in the most passive-aggressive tone she can manage.

Girlfriend: “Heeeeeey, there you are! We were worried something happened.”

I respond in the fakest nice customer service voice I could manage.

Me: “I’m so sorry. Normally, everyone has paid or checked out by now so it’s safe for a quick bathroom break.”

She dropped her huff, paid, and went back to the room.

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Poison Oak Is Natural But It Still Itches Like Crazy!

, , , , | Healthy | June 13, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

 

A few years ago, my wife experimented with a certain brand of mycoprotein-based products. The first time we ate some, I became ill with vomiting and stomach cramps. I foolishly assumed that these were caused by something else, but the second time we ate some, it happened again and we very quickly realised I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products, a phenomenon which is pretty well documented.

About nine months ago, I saw a Facebook advert for this particular brand and commented, saying that while I thought this product was a great idea, regrettably, I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products so would have to avoid eating them.

Then, I got THIS reply from a random Facebook user I don’t even know.

Stranger: “Well, you’re clearly an idiot, then. You can’t get ill from [product]. It’s natural. NATURAL PRODUCTS DON’T MAKE YOU ILL!”

I didn’t have the heart to point out to her that latex, peanuts, kiwi fruit, and eggs are all-natural and can ALL trigger serious allergic reactions.

Like I say, this phenomenon is pretty well documented, and in some cases, people have eaten mycoprotein and ended up in ICU! I’m not really sure what this woman on Facebook was thinking.

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Dumber Than A Lamp-Post

, , , | Legal | June 12, 2021

It is a quiet day in the motor claims department of a major British insurance company. A telephone call comes through from a customer.

Customer #1: *Clearly agitated* “Hello, I’ve run into a lamp-post on [Road] in Glasgow, and the lamp-post has fallen over.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. And were any other vehicles involved?”

Customer #1: “No, just mine.”

Me: “Thank you, we’ll just take a few details.”

I proceed to take the normal details for the customer, and the call ends normally. Seconds later, the phone rings again. It’s another customer, of course.

Customer #2: “Hello, I’m on [Road] in Glasgow and some d*** fool has run into a lamp-post and knocked it over on my car and three other cars!”

And this is why you don’t lie to your insurance company.

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1980 Was Twenty Years Ago And That’s What We’re Sticking With

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2021

Me: “Thank you for calling [Mortgage Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I just have a simple question for you. I would like to know when my loan will be paid off.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, I can definitely take a look into when your loan should be paid off.”

I collect the necessary info to pull up her loan.

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I have your loan pulled up here in front of me and it looks like your projected maturity date is October 2040, which is wonderful considering it was originally 2042; you’ve shortened it two years!”

Customer:What?! How can it be 2040?! This is a thirty-year loan! How do I still have thirty years?!”

Me: *Slightly confused* “Yes, ma’am, you do have a thirty-year loan. It was opened in 2012. It is now 2020. You have paid ten years off your loan so far.”

Customer: “2040 is in thirty years! You guys are scamming me! Something is not right and I’m very upset. Someone will fix this right now!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry that you are upset, but 2040 is in twenty years, and you are right on track on paying off your loan, even paid ahead.”

Customer: “What are you talking about?! What year is it, then, huh? Do you not know math? What year is it?” 

Me: “It’s 2020, ma’am.”

There’s an awkward silence, and I assume she is now doing the math.

Customer: “Oh. Oh, you’re right. Well, good.”

Me: “Any other concerns I can address for you today?” 

Customer: “No.” *Quickly hangs up*

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