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Shrödinger’s Housewife: Simultaneously Doing Everything And Nothing

, , , | Right | September 21, 2021

Male Customer: “I want a pound of ham!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Male Customer: “And hurry up! I’m not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.”

Me: “Um… yes, sir.”

Meanwhile, this tiny older woman walks up behind him.

Female Customer: “Excuse me?! I have all the time in the world?! Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school…”

I keep getting his ham while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.

Female Customer: “…then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner because my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned…”

Me: “Here’s your ham.”

He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.

Female Customer: “I’m at the store because it’s my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then, I have to…”

A little while later, I walk up front to buy a drink on my break. At the register is [Male Customer]… and [Female Customer]. He is turning red and is still silent.

Female Customer: “I have to make dinner tonight! Ain’t nobody gonna help me! So, you listen to me…”

She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.

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An Interesting De-Termination

, , , , , | Related | September 21, 2021

I’m chatting with my sister on the phone about the global health crisis. Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted by video games lately, particularly one where you play as an assassin.

Sister: “And there are some businesses that require a vaccine or else you can be terminated.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a little extreme.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: *Realization dawning* “Other kind of ‘terminated’. Right. Sorry.”

Sister: *Jokingly* “Either way, I guess you’re getting shot.”

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Better Than A Grizzly Bear Or Something

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2021

I’m texting a friend.

Me: “Hey, man, sorry I missed your call. I was running.”

Friend: “Running? From whom?”

Me: “Uh… my winter weight?”

Friend: “Okay, fair enough.”

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When Their Phone Breaks They Probably Ask For Mr. Apple

, , , | Right | September 21, 2021

The company I work for features a family name in the company name; let’s say the Smith company. Through various circumstances that aren’t important to the story, the family who now owns the business is NOT the Smiths; let’s call them the Jones family. The Jones family has owned the company for decades; i.e., no more Smiths left at the Smith company.

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to speak to Mr. Smith, please.”

Me: “Sorry, do you have a first name for Mr. Smith?”

Caller: *Condescendingly* “You know, your boss. The guy who owns your company, Mr. Smith? His name is on the company? He’s expecting a call from me!”

Me: *Laughs* “I’m certain he’s not.”

Caller: “Excuse me? Do you know who I am?”

Me: “No, and apparently, you don’t know who you’re trying to reach, either.” *Click*

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It Takes A Village… Minus That Nurse

, , , , , , | Healthy | September 21, 2021

My husband and I had been trying for another baby for a few months when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I called the OBGYN office and booked my first appointment, expecting it to be like the first appointments for my other two children where we previously lived: a physical exam, listening to the heartbeat on an in-office Doppler machine, addressing any concerns that might be revealed in the exam, and some counseling about healthy habits during pregnancy.

However, the appointment turned out to be just confirming the pregnancy, using the exact same sort of urine test you can buy in dollar stores (which I’d done at home). I wasn’t able to get an appointment to be seen for an exam until several weeks later, too late for any early genetic testing; it’s lucky I wasn’t planning to have those, given my family and personal history.

And for extra fun, when I gave the nurse my urine sample (in a paper towel-wrapped cup), she took it, stared at my two- and four-year-old, sighed, and asked with disdain, “If this comes back positive, are you keeping it?”

The office didn’t offer abortion services. Why would I have come if I were seeking that? If they had to ask about my plans for pregnancy, why do it so bluntly, and with the impression that three is too many kids for someone to have? It set the tone for all the rest of the pregnancy visits, wherein I was treated like a nuisance and a hassle. I was very happy to move in the eighth month of pregnancy and have my third child in a more welcoming environment — one which includes a few childfree-by-choice aunts and uncles who said I could have an extra child or two in their place.

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