Bready, Steady, Close!

, , | Right | August 14, 2018

(It’s closing time for the day, and I’ve gone through almost the entire closing routine; the remaining bread that wasn’t sold for the day has been picked up by a local homeless shelter, I’ve counted the register, and I’m just in the process of getting a broom for the floor when I hear somebody enter through the door. I look out into the store to see a woman standing by the counter, talking on her cell phone. I watch her for about ten seconds before she looks up from her conversation and sees me.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “But your door was open.”

Me: “Oh, I was sure I closed it.”

(The door is old and the lock can jolt back unless you give the door a push when you lock it.)

Customer: “Oh… ’cause your door was open.”

(She starts looking at the empty shelves, the empty glass counter, and the empty bread baskets. There’s nothing left that I can sell her.)

Me: “Well, we’re closed, sorry. We closed half an hour ago, and all the bread and buns have been picked up by a local shelter we donate to, and the register is closed and counted for the day.”

Customer: “Oh… Okay… Because your door was open!” *leaves*

(I lock the door properly behind her.)

Me: *to coworker* “What did she expect me to say? ‘Oh, of course, I was wrong; I thought we closed, but apparently we are open! Let me go and bake a new loaf of bread for you!’”

There’s Norway That’s True

, , , | Related | August 11, 2018

(We live in Scandinavia, and my mother is really into researching our family tree; she’s quite passionate about our pretty mundane family history. Eventually, she gets curious about our genetic background and sends her DNA to one of those companies that checks which part of the world where your ancestors were likely from.)

Mother: “Isn’t it exciting? We could have roots in Estonia, France, or Germany! Maybe we even hail from England! Could you imagine?”

(This goes on for a week at the minimum. Every chance she gets, she brings it up to close family and friends. Eventually, the day arrives with the result. She logs into the company website with her code to view the result:)

Result: “100% Scandinavia.”

(It’s been years since I’ve seen her that frustrated.)

A Cold Attitude To Your Order

, , , , | Working | August 6, 2018

(During a heavy snowfall, I go with a Tinder date to the epitome of first date destinations: a coffee shop. This is during the mid-winter months, and the shop is having a special deal on a Holiday-themed milkshake. The barista asks everyone ordering if they are interested in trying this.)

Me: *as it’s finally my turn to order* “Hi! I’d like a chicken sandwich and a large iced coffee with hazelnut, please.”

(The barista looks at me like I’m crazy.)

Barista: *snorts* “Really? Iced coffee?” *pause* “Have you noticed the weather outside?”

(Apparently it’s weird to order a cold drink other than milkshakes.)

Free License On How You Want To Pay

, , , , | Right | July 26, 2018

For work and school reasons, I have been up since two am after no more than an hour of sleep, since I had trouble falling asleep. I’m in school to become a truck driver and am tagging along in a truck to see what the work is like. It’s around 11 am and, despite having slept some in the truck, I am a zombie.

We stop at a gas station to grab some snacks and I’m about to pay. I’m looking through my wallet to find my card. I find it, pull it out, stick it in the machine, and start punching in my pin. The cashier starts to giggle ,and that’s when I realize I’m trying to pay with my drivers’ license.

I say, “Oops, wrong card.” I put it back in my wallet and start looking for the correct card. I find it, yank it out, and put it in the machine. The cashier doubles over laughing and I realize I used my license again.

What Happens When You Kill Spider-Man’s Dog

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work in a library. A patron approaches the counter with a DVD.)

Patron: “Is this Spider-Man?”

Me: “No, that’s a movie called Spiderwick.”

Patron: “Oh… Well, my son wanted Spider-Man; do you think this will be all right?”

Me: “Well, it’s a completely different movie, so I couldn’t tell.”

Patron: “Yeah, well… it has spiders in it, at the very least. Also, it says I can have the movie for a week, but would it be okay if I return it tomorrow, instead?”

Me: “Well, sure.”

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