The Sensitive White Male Will Go Off Before The Cheese Will

, , , , , , , | Right | August 6, 2019

(I’ve just opened a new package of white American cheese made by a company whose initials are LOL. I set a large plastic bag on the counter and write on it the date, the product code, and “LOL White” as a scowling old man walks up and sees what I’m doing. For reference, he’s white and so am I.)

Old Man: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing?!”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Man: “Laughing at the white man?!”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

(He slams his palm down on the bag I’m writing on.)

Old Man: “Right there! ‘Laughing out loud at the white man!’ F****** millennial [racial slur]-loving libtard feminist SJW socialist traitor!”

(I groan. Oh, joy, another one of those.)

Me: “That’s not what that means.”

Old Man: “Shut up! I know what all those stupid things your generation write on your liberal chat rooms mean! You millennials almost ruined this d*** country trying to destroy the white man! Well, you ain’t gettin’ away with it ever again now that Trump is in charge! Trump’s gonna send you all to Hell where you belong!”

(I grab the block of cheese and slam it on the counter right in the man’s face. Over the course of about three seconds, the look on his face goes from, “What the hell is he doing?” to, “Uh-oh, is that what I think it is?” to, “Oh, God, I’m an idiot,” to “NO, I CAN’T be the idiot!” to, “ENEMY! DESTROY! DESTROY!”. He slams both hands down on the counter and leans over it to scream in my face.)

Old Man: “TRUMP 2020! TRUMP 2020!”

(He turned around and stomped out of the store muttering about “f*****’ [racial slur]-lovers.”)

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In Soviet Russia, Cup Refills You!

, , , , , | Right | July 30, 2019

(I work at a large coffee shop. Store policy is to not give refills, but rather sell the coffee at the closest cup size. All is well until…)

Customer: “No refills? What are you, a communist?”

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At Least Someone Is Putting That To Use

, , , , , | Legal | July 27, 2019

(We’ve recently been getting calls from one of those fake auto warranty scam businesses. We’ve told them to take us off their calling list and threatened to report them to the FCC numerous times, but they still keep calling. Today, when I pick up the phone, it’s them again.)

Robocall: “Hello! This is [Robot Caller] calling about your car’s warranty. We see from our records that your warranty is expiring soon. Would you be interested in extending your warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you be interested in extending your car’s warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Let me connect you to one of our operators. Please stay on the line!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *elevator music*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “You’ve reached [Operator]. What extension are you trying to dial?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Excuse me? Are you trying to purchase a new warranty for your vehicle?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Sir, if you’re trying to purchase a new warranty, I can connect you to one of our sales representatives.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “This is not funny, sir. You can’t just call our business and waste our time with silly games.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”


Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “I’m blocking your number! F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *dial tone*

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The Customer Is Always Right: A Paradox

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2019

(I’m in the checkout line. A guy in front of me is whining and reprimanding the cashier about how he never gets good customer service here. He has already paid, so he’s just wasting my time at this point. The cashier, a youngish female, is being sweet and patient with him, but she’s obviously agitated by him, and I’m getting annoyed.)

Customer: “I remember when the customer was always right.”

Me: “I’m a customer. You, sir, are an annoying douche. I’m a customer, so I’m always right.”

Customer: *looks at me* “I’m annoying?”

(I assume he’s asking me a question, although he could simply be confirming his agreement with my assessment.)

Me: *smile, shrug* “You betcha.”

Customer: “I bet you voted for Hillary Clinton!” *leaves*

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The Land Of The Free To Moan

, , , , , , | Right | July 4, 2019

(I am working on the 4th of July while I am in high school. I volunteer to work this shift since I know there won’t be anyone in and because I have no plans. The only people in the entire store are a manager, a custodian, one employee for all the specialty sections (bakery, deli, etc.), and me.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Grocery Store].”

Customer: “You must be a Democrat, not celebrating the birth of our nation; how dare you!”

(Store policy says to not get involved in confrontations.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But the store must stay open to help all our customers.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got a party to get to so let’s hurry this up.”

(I finish up scanning her items and I’m bagging them myself, so it’s going a bit slow.)

Customer: “Can’t you call anyone over to help? This is taking too long!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s a holiday, everyone wanted to be with their families, and I’m the only one working the registers today.”

Customer: “This is terrible service! You should have made other workers come in today!”

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