This Transaction Is Bombing

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2018

(I’m waiting for my pizza at a pizza place where you pick your toppings and they assemble it in front of you. It’s about a half hour until closing, so the place is pretty empty. A man walks in and goes up to the counter. He’s acting very agitated, has red puffy eyes, and keeps sniffling and scratching his nose.)

Employee: “What can I get started for you?”

Customer: “A medium pizza. Can I ask you a few questions? I’m doing a survey. It’s just two questions, really.”

Employee: “Uh, sure. And what kind of sauce?”

Customer: “Are you a registered voter?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Customer: “And do you know how many countries the US is bombing right now?”

Employee: “No, I don’t. What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “It’s seven! And you’re part of the 80% of registered voters who don’t care to know that. No one cares anymore! See you later, morons!”

(It’s unclear why he added that last sentence since he’s in the middle of the pizza assembly line and isn’t leaving.)

Employee: “Right, um, what kind of meat?”

(The customer wipes his nose messily all over his hand, front and back, and then reaches over the glass barrier to point out the meats he wants.)

Employee: “Sir, please don’t reach over the barrier. The names are printed right under each meat so you can tell me what you want.”

(I miss a bit of the conversation because my pizza is ready, but it sounds like he’s still ranting. As I’m grabbing napkins, I hear some more.)

Customer: “Where are the sun-dried tomatoes?”

Employee: “We stopped carrying them because they had some preservatives—”

Customer: *cutting him off loudly* “You little s***s! You told me you had them! That’s why I came here!”

(I didn’t hear anymore because I left, but I really don’t envy the employee who had to deal with him.)

Obamacare Now Provides Free Phones

, , , , , , | Right | December 3, 2018

(I work for a major cell phone provider in the US. My store is a “store-within-a-store” partnered with another electronics chain. Our partner chain previously serviced multiple contract and prepaid providers Tracfone, Net 10, etc. When we came in, which was about two years ago, the company stopped selling any services besides our brand. From time to time we get someone looking for brands we no longer offer and we are supposed to offer them service.)

Customer: “This phone is a f****** piece of s***. I need a new one. What do you guys have on sale? I have an ‘Obama phone’ but it doesn’t have Internet. That d**k gives illegal immigrants health care but he can’t give citizens a phone with f****** Internet.”

Me: “Okay, are you currently on a contract or prepaid service?”

Customer: “I don’t have no contract. I want a new phone; this thing is junk.”

Me: “Okay, do you have [prepaid option #1] or [prepaid option #2]?”

Customer: “No, I have [Competitor]. I need a new phone; can’t a just buy one of these so you can put it on my number?”

Me: “Unfortunately, these phones are for [prepaid options] and won’t work on [Competitor]’s network. But we have holiday promotions going on right now for both prepaid and contract service if you bring your number in from another company.”

Customer: “Well, right now when my time runs out I have to get another card or my phone shuts off. It’s bull-s***. Do you have anything that won’t do that?”

Me: “Well, we have unlimited service without contract plans. I can run your credit and see what your elig—”

Customer: “I don’t want a f****** contract. They are scams. What is the other option?”

Me: “Well, on [prepaid option #1] you can get unlimited talk, text, and data for [price] a month. You just have to buy airtime every thirty days to keep your service. If you bring in your phone number you get [Phone] for free. You just have to buy the airtime.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You can pay here in store, over the phone, through an app, or sign up for auto-pay.”

Customer: “No way. I’m not giving you a**holes my credit card number. I don’t want to have to get a card to turn my service on. I already told you that.”

Me: “So… You don’t want a contract and you don’t want to buy airtime cards each month?”

Customer: “Yeah. How do I do that?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know of any service that offers an option other than contract or prepaid.”

Customer: “I just want it not to shut me off without having to get a card.”

Me: “Do you mean the Internet? You don’t want to have to renew service when you use all of your Internet?”

Customer: “Exactly. I don’t know why you didn’t understand. I don’t know why [Store] hired such a dumb b****!”

Me: *at this point I’m ignoring his insults because I don’t have the energy to ask him to leave* “Sir, I thought you understood that unlimited means there is no limit.”

Customer: “You didn’t say unlimited Internet!”

Me: “I’m sorry. That’s what I meant by unlimited data.”

Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t say that. Data is what the s*** on my f****** phone is called? How did you get this f****** job?”

Me: *still ignoring his insults* “So, would you like to start service today?”

Customer: “How much will it cost?”

Me: “[Amount] plus tax, if you bring in your number.”

Customer: “I thought you said it was free! You’re trying to rip me off.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the only thing free on the promotion is the device. You would have to pay for airtime.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just bill me later?”

Me: “You said you didn’t want contract service.”

Customer: “I don’t!”

(At this point I had to excuse myself for a moment and get a manager. He had to have the same conversation, while I rage-smoked two cigarettes.)

Me: “So, what’d you tell him?”

Manager: “That if he wanted free service he’d have to stick with the ‘Obama phone,’ because I don’t know anyone else giving away free cell phones and service!”

History Repeated As A Cautionary Tale

, , , , , , , | Hopeless | November 13, 2018

(I live in Germany. In my brother’s high school, it’s custom that the teacher who last joined the staff has to hold a speech at the graduation ceremony. In my brother’s case, it’s a young history teacher, and since it’s exactly a century after the beginning of the first world war, he talks about the political and societal events that led up to it. He then goes on to compare them to current events, showing potentially dangerous similar developments. Suddenly, he’s interrupted by a mother in the audience. I later find out she’s infamous for recently having adopted some far-right political views that she now preaches at every opportunity.)

Mother: *yelling loudly* “BORING! Nobody wants to hear this!”

(There’s a long moment of awkward silence. The teacher tries to carry on with his speech, visibly shaken.)

Mother: “BORING!”

(The teacher stops talking again, unsure of what to do. But then, one of the graduates stands up.)

Graduate #1: “I want to hear it.”

(More graduates rise to their feet.)

Graduate #2: “I want to hear it, too.”

Brother: “Me, too!”

(By now, all graduates are standing in support of their teacher. The disrespectful woman is bright red in the face and looks very determined. A lot of the graduates’ relatives in the audience rise from their chairs, as well. The teacher continues his speech. Some people sit back down after a while, but all graduates remain standing until the end.)

Teacher: *voice shaking* “Now, the future of this country, of our democracy, lies on you.”

(Tears well up in his eyes.)

Teacher: “I was going to say that I hope you all will grow up to be responsible, mature citizens with the courage to stand up for your beliefs. But you’ve already done that. I’m so proud of you all, and I’m proud to have been your teacher. Thank you very much!”

(The hall erupted into thunderous applause.)

Trans-gression Agression

, , , , , , | Learning | October 23, 2018

(This is the day after the president of my country releases a memo that basically erases the existence of transgender people in my country. I’m openly transgender, and I’m talking to my teacher, who I’m rather friendly with.)

Me: “Mrs. [Teacher], if this passes, does that mean I don’t have to pay taxes, since I technically don’t exist?”

Teacher: “I like the way you think.”

Playing A Game Of Political Chairs

, , , , , | Romantic | October 13, 2018

(Australia’s frequent changing of Prime Ministers has become a running joke both there and in New Zealand, and they’ve just got a new one again. I’m getting ready for bed when I knock a stuffed koala off a shelf.)

Me: “Meh, I’ll just replace it. Isn’t that what the Australians do, just replace things?”

Girlfriend: “I’m going to get this for a whole month, aren’t I?”

Me: “Month? By the time that’s over, they will have gotten a new one again.”

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