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O, Canaduh, Part 13

, , , , , , , | Related | October 13, 2021

My family is Canadian, but my brother moved to the States for work and has an American girlfriend. Everyone in the family likes her very much, but she sometimes gives the impression that she’s worried about fitting in and getting along with us.

It’s a couple of days after the 2021 Canadian federal election. I’m on a video call with my brother, and I tell him a joke. His girlfriend hears him laughing and comes in.

Girlfriend: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Oh, just a stupid joke about the election.”

Girlfriend: “Oh? Can I hear it?”

Brother: “It’s, uh, very Canadian. I don’t know if you’d think it was funny.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, come on. I wanna hear it! I bet it’s great!”

Me: “Um, okay. What’s the difference between [Politician] and a toilet?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know.”

Me: “A toilet has a seat.”

Girlfriend: “I… Oh. Um.”

Me: “Because, uh, [Politician] is a real scumbag and he’s a party leader, but he didn’t get elected in his riding, so he doesn’t have a seat in the House of Commons.”

[Girlfriend] is wearing the expression of someone desperately pretending that she both understands and cares.

Me: “Anyway, it’s a very silly joke. How are you, [Girlfriend]?”

I hope my brother later told her she doesn’t have to pretend to care about Canadian politics to impress anyone, since if she’s not interested, I can’t think of a bigger waste of her time.

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 12
O, Canaduh, Part 11
O, Canaduh, Part 10
O, Canaduh, Part 9
O, Canaduh, Part 8

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Personally, I Prefer Giraffes

, , , , | Learning | September 2, 2021

This takes place around the 2008 election. I am in high school and one of my classmates is trying to get our teacher off topic.

Classmate: “Who are you voting for?”

Teacher: “We’re not discussing this.”

Classmate: “Are you a republican or democrat?”

Teacher: “Moving on, [Classmate].”

Classmate: “Okay, okay. On a completely different topic. Which animal do you prefer? Elephants or donkeys?”

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“Party” and “DMV” Are Complete Opposites, Part 2

, , , , | Working | August 23, 2021

This story reminded me of when I renewed my driver’s license twenty-plus years ago. After I completed the eye test and filled everything out:

DMV Employee: “You are listed as an Independent. Per Florida laws, you cannot vote in the coming primary election as an Independent. Do you want to update this?”

I didn’t know a lot about politics, so I asked:

Me: “What side is our current president?”

The employee told me.

Me: “Oh, okay!”

The employee looked really happy. I then marked the opposite party and stated:

Me: “I feel the exact opposite.”

Unlike the story I mentioned, my information did not get updated and I was unable to vote in that primary. I got my ID updated later on and still think of the DMV worker when I vote for either side.

Related:
“Party” and “DMV” Are Complete Opposites

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The Only Safe Answer Is A Silly One

, , , , , | Working | August 19, 2021

I attended high school in California but had family in a very red/conservative area of the Deep South; think an area where 95% of the voting-eligible population would vote for Jesse Helms. To induce me to spend time with them, that branch of the family would fly me out every summer and use their connections to get me a job in the area. I was not yet eighteen and thus not able to vote, and my political stances differed so much from those of the locals that I simply didn’t talk politics with my coworkers. I got along great with them as long as we talked about sports and told jokes.

It’s the summer of 1992, and since there’s a presidential election coming up — the first one I’ll be able to vote in, as by Election Day I’ll be eighteen — there’s more talk about politics than usual this summer. My co-workers finally notice that I’m not participating much in the lunchtime conversations.

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name]! Who are you voting for this year?”

I stay silent.

Coworker #2: “I’m voting for the guy in there already. Who wouldn’t? Right, [My Name]?”

He punches me lightly in the shoulder, the usual friendly gesture among guys.

Me: “Ummm…”

Coworker #3: “Come on, [My Name]! You have to tell us!”

An idea flashes into my head. At the time, Mack Brown is the highly successful football coach at the University of North Carolina.

Me: “It’s a secret. But maybe someone could bribe me with a chocolate chip cookie.”

The cafeteria has excellent cookies. [Coworker #4] returns in about thirty seconds with a chocolate chip cookie.

Coworker #4: “Here you go, [My Name]. Now tell us!”

I down the cookie in about two bites and clear my throat.

Me: “Thanks, [Coworker #4]. I’m writing in Mack Brown.”

Knowing how sports-obsessed — college football in particular — I am, my coworkers just nod and laugh.

Coworker #5: “Somehow, [My Name], I expected that from you.”

I didn’t write in Mack Brown, for the record.

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We Don’t Think The [Illness] Cares How You Voted

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: ImDumbButSmart | August 14, 2021

A gentleman just waltzed out of the elevator with no mask on.

Me: “Sir, do you need a mask?”

I really feel like I am being kind. Every other customer seems to respond, “OH, I’M SO SORRY! I HAVE ONE!” or, “OH, YES, PLEASE! I’M SO SORRY!” And I’m always super cool about it and respond with, “Ahh, I gotcha,” and shake my head like, “It’s no big deal; don’t worry about it.”

Man: “I’m just using the restroom! I have one right here.”

Me: *Casually* “Okay.”

Then, he comes back from the restroom, walks right up to the side of my desk, and says:

Man: “DID YOU VOTE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?!”

Me: “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about politics.”

Man: “Everyone in this town has been so nice about the masks, but you super were intense! Are you the manager?!”

Me: “I really apologize if it came off that way, but I’m not the manager, and they’re just strict here and I just don’t want to get in trouble.”

They’re honestly great managers who are super understanding and not overly strict, super reasonable in all their dealings, but I want to get the guy out of my face; he may have had a bit to drink.

Man: “Yeah, I bet they are.”

He shook his head and walked away.

Is there a better way to get people to put on masks? We’re happy to give them out so I always offer. It says on the window of the hotel that masks are mandatory.

I even had a dude a couple of months ago say, “Okay, doctor,” to my manager when he asked a gentleman very politely to put on a mask.

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