Spitting Out Political Opinions

, , , , , | Right | July 7, 2021

It is 2010, around Presidents’ Day, and we have a big display of books about and by Presidents, including current President Barack Obama. I am politically liberal and have had a very long day.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I hate to say it, but it looks like someone spat on this Obama book.”

I look, and she is sadly correct; there is a gross smear all over the book’s cover.

Me: “Well, that’s a shame, but I appreciate you letting me know.”

Customer: “What will you do?”

Me: “I’ll probably go spit on a Glenn Beck book to even things out.”

I thought I was doomed for a second, but she burst out laughing.

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For All Mankind Except George From Across The Street

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

I am showcasing an Apple TV setup to a customer. One of the Apple shows, “For All Mankind,” is playing the trailer. It’s an alternative history show about what might happen if the Russians landed on the moon first and the space race never ended.

Customer: “What’s this bulls***?! We landed on the moon first! Not those d*** commies!”

I explain the premise of the show, which does little to assuage his contempt.

Customer: “Maybe if they taught the truth instead of this ‘woke’ crap, our country wouldn’t be full of so many d*** snowflakes!”

Me: “Yes, sir, nothing more dangerous than alternative facts, right?”

Customer: “That’s right!”

The customer did not buy the Apple TV. Worth it.

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In Soviet America, Communism Accuses You!

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

My family runs a small takeout place. We are open on July 4th.

Customer: “Why are you open today? That’s practically un-American!”

Me: “Our family will get together tonight and enjoy each other’s company.”

Customer: “You’re all communists for being open today! It’s treason! You should be closed for the holiday!”

Me: “So, you’re saying that instead of deciding our own hours and opening at times to maximize profits, we should be forced to close by a government-mandated holiday?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Yeah, you shouldn’t be the one accusing me of being communist.”

In Soviet America, Product Buys You!

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Don’t Leaf Them Unattended

, , , , , | Working | May 25, 2021

About ten years ago, my mum got involved with one of the local parties, and when the local election rolled around she got involved in delivering their leaflets. Predictably, she got my step-sister and me to help. So, out we went, and as teenagers, we got bored and looked to cause some mischief.

We noticed another party had been round earlier and some of their leaflets were still stuck in the letterboxes along our route, so we came up with a competition to keep us entertained: who could grab the most of the other party’s leaflets out of the letterboxes? It kept us entertained until we finished our piles of leaflets and we headed home.

Of course, my mum saw us carrying the other leaflets and gave a lecture about democracy, blah, blah, blah.

A couple of days later at the victory party, my mum was talking to the local councillor and she told him this story. He laughed and said, “Your girls have a better idea of how democracy works than you do.”

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Clearly, It’s The President’s Fault!

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2021

I work for a credit union in a smaller location so we don’t have access to “Shared Branching,” which is a ton of credit unions around the world coming together so all members can access banking services worldwide.

Customer: “Hi, I want to do shared banking with [European Credit Union].”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have shared branching available here; you’ll have to go to our [Other Branch Five Minutes Away].”

Customer: “America is declining and falling apart!” *Storms off*

Not the first time someone has been peeved that we don’t have shared branching, but the first time they have blamed it on America as a whole!

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